RIP James Arthur Doyle
28/02/1923 - 28/10/2011

Died peacefully in bed this evening with Mum, Dad, Laura and me in the room.

So sorry Sundae. Peace be with you.

Warm thoughts to you and your family Sundae. I'm glad he went peacefully with his loved ones with him: it's the most any of us could ask for.

RIP Sundae's Grandpa

My heart goes out to your family.

Warm thoughts is right. Sundae. Thank you for sharing it all with us.

I am hoisting an apple juice in his honor.

A good life for a good man. I'm glad you all could be there for him. If I could, I'd be there to hug both you and your mom.

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Remember the good times. From what you have said here he certainly was a wonderful man.

I never met him. But your posts and pics made me feel almost like I did a little. So sorry for your loss. Glad you could be there with him.

*hugs*

Peace to you and yours Sundae.

I'm sorry, Sundae.

Dear Sundae: My deepest condolences. This is very sad and upsetting news. I often wonder whether it is better for people to slowly wither away; or to pass away suddenly (like in a plane crash.)

He lived a very long life...
Wishing you the best...

Pam.

Sundae, my thoughts are with you.

Dear Sundae

I know this is a painful time. I don't have anything to soothe that pain but I will remind you that you have my support, and the support of everyone here. Support and care for you and for your family. Keep that in mind, please.

Yours,

My condolences, C.

So sorry for your loss Sundae. Hugs to you and your family.

Thank you all.
It's tougher than I thought it would be.
Now he's no longer the shell he became in the last week I am free to remember him as he was and that means mourning him.

But he had a long life and in the end a gentle death.
He wouldn't really have planned on 17 years without my Nan, she really was the love of his life. But he was in his own place until February this year. He had as much fried chicken as he wanted up til then. And he was in a stable environment when he died, with staff constantly in attendance in the last hours until they realised the end was coming and called us.

It's not like he was in that awful hospital where he could easily have been dead for hours without anyone noticing.

The staff came in to say goodbye as I was leaving (I came home to start making phone calls) and they were in tears. It was a good place to die, with kind and respectful people. Grandad used to joke that he couldn't understand a word any of them said (the basic carers are mostly Eastern European or Filipino) but he would always smile and nod and joke and they were charmed by his passive smile and gentle demeanor.

They really cared. Even as I was leaving they were bringing in tea for Mum and me. And the Nurse on shift had elected to stay until the Doctor came to sign the death certificate, despite her shift finishing 30 minutes beforehand.

We couldn't have asked for better.

It is really nice to hear that the staff treated you so nicely and were so kind during such a difficult time in your lives. Stark contrast to some things I've heard/read here.
My heart is heavy as I read about this. It reminds me of my grandfathers last days.
(Hugs)

Found out in another thread.

Sundae, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

As Classic said, it reminds me of when my own grandfather passed.

:blackr:

Thanks Grav - I've now put it in my sig, because I mentioned him across a lot of threads when he was alive, and I know not everyone reads this one.

I'll take it off in a day or so.

Sorry for your loss SG ,
But at least its over ,
I remember waiting for my Mom to pass over , it SUCKED !!!

Sundae, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. There's no truly nice way to lose someone, but it sounds like your Grandpa went as peacefully as one can, and you and your family had the opportunity to say goodbye.

Again, thanks to everyone.

My first day in my Sunday job today.
I was awake early even by normal standards, and the clocks went back today.
The 'rents got up at 07.30 (GMT) but I already had some thinking time.

So odd. Like something is over and leaves such a large gap.
But there is still so much to plan and organise. Which is usually only for good things.

Mum went to all the neighbours yesterday (I offered to go or to accompany).
"The Asians" across the close came to visit when Mum was at Mass, with flowers and a card.
We know their names now.

And Mum told Tiger's Grandmother (his father's mother, who used to live next door to my sister - small world).

He was so much a part of my (our) routine.
I feel bloody awful that I am starting a new job today, facing people, smiling, learning, being positive. And he is in a drawer somewhere waiting for his doctor to sign him off.

Not him of course. In my belief, he is simply a corpse. In my Mum's he is with his deceased family.
But it seems to hurt either way.

Funeral next week (ie not this monday to Friday)
I already had dresses earmarked on eBay.
Grandad loved my haircolours in the last few years.
he said I was easy to spot.
As a younger man they would have appalled him - he was so conservative.

Sorry - simply posting what is in my head.

Thanks everyone again.

All my love to you Sundae. Sorry I'm so late in arriving here, but my heart is with you now. xxx

Oh, Cherry. I am so sorry. Try to take comfort in knowing how much he was loved and cared for by you and your family. He was a special man loved by very special, wonderful people. It doesn't get much better than that.

Hugs, girl. Hugs.

This struck me as particularly poignant, not just about your Granddad but of growing old in general. It's a beautiful picture of happy mellowing.

So sorry to be late on this bit of news. Sundae, I hope you remember your Grandad in the best way. He will always be with you. Peace

sorry for your loss sundae.

unfortunately i found out early this afternoon that a friend passed away. she was 43. when i moved in with my roommate over 2 years ago that's how i met her. they were dating back then but since had become just friends. she used to drive me nuts sometimes but i loved her for who she was. she was your average happy-go-lucky person that cared for everyone, even strangers and never had any ill will towards anyone or anything for that matter. yesterday according to her mother she drank an entire bottle of vodka without eating anything. so, yes, alcohol was a factor. i'm thinking she knocked her blood sugars way out of whack and went into some sort of hypoglycemic shock. her mother said that she had gotten up around 5 am this morning to use the restroom and had fallen twice trying to get back to the bed. that was the last time she was seen alive. her mom went in to check on her late this morning and found her laying there in bed. only a shell. spirit and soul gone. gonna miss you Michelle.

Damn ... Sorry dude. no words..

Mum went to thank "the Asians" today.
Had a cup of tea, and we were all invited over for dinner whenever we wanted to come.
Mum won't. Dad wouldn't be able to understand a word (hearing related). I would!

But apart from our next door neighbours (of nearly 40 years), they are the only family in the close to respond to the news. Of course everyone has been supportive - Mum talks to everyone and they all knew about Grandad even if they didn't know him.

But I'd like to think the 'rents will remember this when their paper fulminates about ALL Muslims wanting Sharia law in the country etc blah etc.
Although the older Dads gets the more I think he would actually appreciate living in a fundamentalist regime. As long as he had freedom of worship he wouldn't even worry which one. As long as people were killed or mutilated for their crimes...

Sorry, off topic.

Today was horrid.
I expected it to be.
Newbie, ignorant, under-trained (as everyone is) AND feeling sorrow.
But it's a job and I am being paid for it.
And Grandad always spoke up for me for that.
When Mum was moaning about me, he always said something along the lines of "Well, she's pulled her weight before" or "She's a hard worker, give her time" or somesuch. And she passed it on to me.




Filthy, that's awful.
It scares me.
It could be me or Bri.
I didn't know you, Michelle, but I know how it happened.

keep up hard work hun. it's rewarding as you know. you'll get to know the ropes and like everyone else do the job. when i started working at my day job, jeeez! the things i didn't know! from a hands on perspective? i thought for sure i'd get fired for breaking a few things accidentally. i saw what i work with and designed what i work with for YEARS but never had to hands on experience with them. now i help train new hires and watch over their shoulders and give them pointers to help them along. i'm the #3 guy to go to now for questions and how to's. some get it, some don't as with any job.

ty about Michelle. it could be anyone. even me. just damn. 43? damn it. not that it's ok if they're 83. sad either way.

That's awful, Filthy. How horribly sad and untimely.

So much sadness here today. Puts petty complaints into perspective doesn't it.

I think I'll just sew up Mav's shorts that I don't think he should be wearing to school anymore even though they're the only one's he wants to wear.

I was pretty hard on him about it last night, and now I regret it. What if I lose him today and the last thing we talked about was why he shouldn't wear those shorts to school?

Now I really am upset.

I'm sorry plth. That's a terrible death for anyone. xxx

phlthy - adding my condolences. I think it brings us all up short that one foolish decision can be fatal.

Wow phlthy - I am so sorry.

Sundae is right - It could so easily have been either one of us. I've done very similar things - drinking an entire fifth of vodka on an empty stomach (really, there's no other way to drink for me) fallling, etc. I have to wonder why Michelle and not me?

I am grateful for this day and I am grateful that I am sober.

I am so very sorry for your friend. Peace to her and her family and you.

thanks everyone. i'm still numb but at the same time getting more and more pissed off. found out today that mom is donating her to medical science. ok. no biggie here. i'm down with advancing medicine or teaching tomorrows doctors today. what irks me bad is the fact that there will be no service. no memorial. reason? no money. wait! WHAT? not to go into detail but i don't buy it. michelle may have been a free floating soul and what not but she cared for people and loved people for who they were. a true sweetheart. she doesn't deserve this. bri and sundae? keep up the hard work. i know it's difficult. hugs to y'all! hugs to all!

What's to stop you and your roommate organising a memorial meeting at your place? The only cost involved is on contacting everyone. The structure can be quite simple. PM me if you want help on arranging a do-it-yourself memorial meeting/service - I have experience.

Sorry man. Limey's idea sounds like a good one.

limey - that is an excellent idea.

Sigh.
Bitterness and jealousy.
From me.

Laura will read the Reading.
It's not very long, but it is significant.
And I chose it.

Stevo gets to read something at the end - okay, it's a thank you and an invite to people to the Crem and the buffet afterwards.

I get the bidding prayers.
Prayers.
Me.
No personal input, lines on a page, something I don't even believe in.

I have been complimented on my speaking voice.
How come my sister gets the starring role?
Yes, she saw Grandad more in the nursing home than I did.
But when he had his own bungalow, who went on foot to get his shopping?
Who rushed home with KFC or fish n chips so they were still warm (and then had him tell me to put them in the fridge :))
Who searched the whole of the town centre for something he might like?
Who did all his washing and ironing when Mum was away, and every Saturday when she was home?
Who had to clean him up after "accidents"?

Laura never washed shit off his cock and balls.
But she gets to dress his coffin, have her favourite hymn at the Crem and do the Reading.

I don't resent what I did for Grandad, I'd do it again in a second.
I don't resent Mum making her own choices.
I'm just petty and spiteful and need to get over it.

SG, I know it's a hard time for your family, but it's not a competition mate. It really doesn't matter who does what at the funeral. Just be there and celebrate your grandad's life and mourn his passing. At the end of the day, no one is really going to remember much except maybe the eulogy anyway.

Chin up. xxx

eta: What I'm trying to say is, don't make the day even worse by worrying about stuff like that. No one's going to judge you if you're reading the prayers, and some will put a whole lot more weight on that than a reading anyway. Try to remember that it's not about you or your sister or anyone but your grandad. Try and create some good memories of the day. Don't cloud the day with anger on top of grief. xxx

I'm sorry Sundae. That would hurt my feelings too. But you just be the best damn prayer-reader who ever spoke on the planet. You were probably chosen for that because you WILL do it very well. Maybe perfection is what your mom wanted for the prayer; and you can deliver.

Sorry Sundae, from what I've read here, that just doesn't seem right.

After the prayers could you say something like on a personal note...
and then add a few things of your own.

Classic is right - once you're up there you can add a few lines from yourself before or after the prayers. No-one can stop you. Big hugs (to be delivered in person soon, grrl!)

Ali has it right - it's not a competition.
I've always felt like I am in my sister's shadow and things like this bring it out in me.

I've said to Mum again and again, "Don't worry about me, it's your Dad's funeral, you do what you want."
The last thing she needs is squabbling daughters.
And my sister, for all her meek and mild appearance has a will of iron and propriety is very much her thing. For example she very much felt the fact that she didn't get to participate in Aunty Alice's funeral. She admitted she could not have stood up and delivered an off the cuff eulogy as I was called to do, but still mentioned many times afterwards that she should have been included and no-one knew who she was on the day.

I think it was losing the poem at the Crem that tipped me over the edge.
But looking back I didn't even mention it!
Anyway, it's silly because Mum was going to read a poem too, and she cut that as well, so it really wasn't personal.

Thanks for letting me sound off about something that really doesn't show me at my best.
I've got it out of my system without hurting anyone.

I really feel so much sympathy for you mate. My brother and I were really at odds by the time we got to Mum's funeral, and it was a really hard time made much worse because we refused to lean on each other. Too proud and stubborn and selfish and a whole lot of other stupid emotions that really didn't help.

Since then I've watched people tear each other down over funerals and have thought it's such a shame, but knowing it's just so much emotion on the surface that no one really knows if they're arthur or martha half the time.

You just do your best and sort it all out later over a cuppa or a stiff drink. Either way, you're all in the same boat so I guess you'll just float along as best you can. xxx

Ali's post brought back such memories.
When my grandfather died, my Mom went back to the home town for the funeral.
She and her brother got into a squabble over a stick of gum she found in her Dad's coat pocket.
Gum was a thing with him, a constant chewer.
Anyhow, that squabble led to a life-time fight that they never resolved.

I still don't know which one I thought was the thickheaded.

My sister is a stranger to me, to be honest.
My most frequent dreams involve conflict with my Mum and my sister, sometimes ending in violence (against Laura, never against Mum!)
Except when I wake up I realise I was the one in the wrong...

But hey - I love my brother and we can talk and do things together.

I just wish he'd had children rather than my sister.
I have a niece and nephew I have no real love for.
They're good kids, but we live in the same town and I see them two or three times a year. Mum sees them more, but as she says, Nanny and Grandad saw us more often and they lived in London.

And no, you do not just drop by my sister's house.
She or her husband will stand at the door and make it clear you are not welcome.
Although she uses her own key to drop in on us on the few occasions she wants to...

And good luck getting an "appointment".
Although in this, Laura is the same as Mum.
She thinks she had an open house when we were growing up.
Oh nonononono...

I've grown up the same - VERY private.
Well, a lot of that has been about mental health issues.
When things were bad my house looked like the Council Tip.
Dana knows.

Anyway.
Things are calm here now.
Notice posted in local paper (£100! blimey), flowers ordered, funeral date set 14/11/11.
I'll do whatever I can to make Mum's day the best it can possibly be.
She'll spit fury at Dad at some point. I will ignore it (as will he).
I will be practical and sensible and have a stiff upper lip.
I will make sandwiches and cook chipolatas and pizza slices and all that.

I'll have Steven beside me.

And an international Dwellar brigade standing invisible at your shoulder.

Tense and emotional times rarely harmonise a family. You're doing great. And it doesn't not show you at your best either y'know. What counts isn't what swims through your mind, it's what gets said and acted upon.

^^ WSS ^^

:thumbsup:

I love this.

I love that, too. Kisses, Sundae.


Had a lovely day with my sister - driving home thru the pretty countryside, 66 degrees and sunny with lovely trees, etc. Thirty seconds from my front door I got a speeding ticket.

105.00 dollars.

Sheesh.

if only you'd been going a little faster you've been home free!

:)

I keep telling myself it could be so much worse.

I could get caught for what I REALLY do instead of just speeding.

;)

so you *are* home free!

I'm feeling better about it already!

:driving: <<< me

:cop: <<< cop

I hate my job and I hate my life and I want to give up. I don't want to die. I just want to give up.

It's the same every day. Run with the rats, get off the treadmill, sleep. Be a smiling obedient rat, lest you get wished into the cornfield.

Who has time for instability? If you fall off the line, it takes hours to get back on it. Hours of despair and rage. For what? For fucking what?

I want to give up. Chuck it all and go on crazy pay. Become the less than good human I feel pegged as. Why not? Why not? Oh, it would disappoint 'everyone else' and God forbid I do that. I wasn't taught to deal with looking out for #1.

I'm just # 434325234343453878973647634, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Thank you for listening.

It helps to have something to look forward to. You should should start planning a vacation. Doesn't have to be big and expensive. It also helps to have small fun things every once in a while. Plan a weekend activity out of the routine a couple weeks from now. Or take an adult ed class, like pottery or something new. You just need to shake things up a little bit. You don't need to quit everything.

Anon, when I had my final big crazy episode it felt like I fell off the edge of the world.
Oh, and the one before that.
Oh yes, and the one where I quit my full time job.

Okay, so I have had a series of adventures which start with me giving up.
Quitting my job in Leicester. Shock horror, lack of security and stability.
Moving to London - somewhere I swore I would never live again.
Being chucked out of the house - technically homeless.
Losing my full time job - have to move home with the parents!
Blagging things for a couple of months then having such a meltdown I had to attend a mental health unit every day...

There's always one step further to go.
And oddly, when things get that bad you are glad to take it.

You might find you get to the point when you have to surrender.
Thing is, people offer help then.
People who are barely balancing are rarely assisted, because the plates are still turning, so it can't be that bad, right? Wrong.

Only you know how much you can take.
I hope this is something that will pass.
It sounds devastating for the moment though.
Hold onto the thought you are valued and loved somewhere, by someone.

Anonymous - hang in there, child.

Today is weary and grim and rather blue (or maybe raw umber?) a real, live November day. Today feels like too much for me, too, to handle. Really. I came here to start a bitch session and saw your post and I know that someone else out there feels the way I do. I'm not alone. YOU'RE not alone. I'm here and I feel your weary, grim blueness.

Sometimes I make little bets with myself to get thru the day: Get out of bed and that's all you need to do. Then a little later, take a shower and then that's all you need to to...and so on. It's tedious and childish but sometimes that is what gets me thru the day.

Hugs to you. and a flower, too. :flower:

PS - the work place is a shark tank. Get out if you can.

I understand anon. Except now I have no job and feel even worse about myself.