You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You're absolutely good enough.

So sorry, Jaydaan.

Jaydaan, so sorry. All the boxers I've met have been so sweet. I feel that particular pain and though it does get better it hurts terribly. My thoughts are with you.

Bummer J.

Jaydaan, I'm very sorry to hear your sad news, so sorry.
You'll have this always, the waves, the missing, but also her place in your family, always. But the waves will become smaller and less frequent while your memory of Freya will stay strong. I hope you and your family regain your strength as soon as you need to.

:comfort:

It's been 9 years since I lost Bo. Although there isn't any pain anymore, I still remember the shock of going through it. It's really tough to lose a beloved pet. I'm sorry for your loss Jaydaan... :(

Sorry for the loss Jay !

Anon, it is worth it. You already know the solution,

it's just hard to put solutions into practice. It's hard for everyone to do it. I swear to you, like 95% of the world is playing "fake it 'til you make it."

Everyone here accepts you the way you are.

I'm sorry Jaydaan :( :comfort:

Anonymous, Clodfobble's right. It's not an easy solution, but it is an effective one. Happily (or helpfully, to me anyhow), I only have to do what you yourself have already suggested, and suggested to others one time. Just accept yourself, just once. Then you're good to go. Really. Until the next time you have such doubts again, of course. But look, you already got through last time, just do it again, build on your success. Just accept yourself. At least accept that this is the way we all work. That's real too.

If you're dissatisfied about something specific and finite, work out a plan to change it. Being unhappy with "the way you are" might be true, but it's unfixable, not to mention unfair and probably untrue when unpacked. Would you say that to someone else? "I just don't like the way you are." with no details, no specifics? Just a general and all encompassing disdain? No. You deserve the same respect that other person gets from you, show yourself some of that respect. It helps to give yourself some slack too.

Jaydaan - I am so sorry. It hurts so much to lose such a well-loved family member, too soon!
Anonymous - BigV and Clod are right. We're all faking it at one point or another. Also, what BigV says about such a sweeping statement - you wouldn't be that unkind to anyone else, why are you being so harsh on yourself?

In my head it isn't general. It's about most everything I say and do. Was that right. Should I have done this? Why can't I do that instead? I guess that is general too. I can feel good from time to time but something I do, or experience, reminds me I'm barely a living being.I think about giving up sometimes but as easy as it is to hurt myself I could never hurt those around me. Id rather take all the pain from them, not cause it. Again, I feel like a burden. Then ther is guilt for that, too.

Meanwhile the world doesn't really understand it, and I am an oddity who should just get my shit together. Except here, where you have read my words and seem to understand. Thank you for this outlet. Thank you for caring.

You're welcome.

We're not exceptional, this outlet, these people who care. There are people everywhere who care, even around you. Honest, look at yourself. You're a caring person right where you are. You've seen some care from us because you spoke up. You care for people around you when you hear of something that needs to be taken care of. I would respectfully and gently suggest that there are others around you that can care for you too, if only they knew of your need.

You have to ask for what you need, ask for what you want. Let it flow both directions. Help, concern, support, it's out there. You're living proof.

JFC.

I'm babysitting Tucker Mojo, BD's BD (beloved dog). He's a darling lovable animal, but omg, I don't know what she's feeding him but he turns it to gas. :retch: vile, silent, frequent, poisonous gas. Jebus Tucker! just... ask me I'll take you outside for pity's sake.

Funnel. Hose. Bottle. Burn. Energy. OPEC be damned!

Batted a thousand yesterday: one friend accused me of being an elitist because I have a college degree and a decent job. Who knew I was the one percent? Another friend implied the other end of the spectrum. I won't be less so they can feel like more, and honestly, just being me is taxing so I also won't rise to whatever 'more' the other side thinks I should be. Why do people fight to try to control my self-esteem?

Because it's easier and less onerous than dealing with their own?

I think so. Friend thinks there is something wrong with living alone (I should be married like her, only her sixth) and had,, earlier that night, told me I could lie about my income and get free phones. I wouldn't do that, I said. Their tv was on, stolen cable. They owe me 2 grand for his teeth. So I am somehow priveleged. (That isn't spelled right, is it?) Anyway, it was a real slap in the face. I told her 'hey, I love you but I'm not going to listen to this right now' and I left. I'm wondering now if I ever will listen again.

Ffs. People should just butt the fuck out.

I don't get how she got to you being elitist...or was that because you're so wealthy you can turn your nose up at free/stolen/defrauded stuff?

Darling, I have been accused of being posh and brainy pretty much since I left school.
Having been out in the wider world I have been in situations where I've felt common as muck and thick as pigshit compared to the people I am talking to.

Inside my head I do judge other people (colleague who bought her 14 yo daughter cigarettes because "She'd pinch mine otherwise")
But I've never been rude enough to bring it up in conversation. And on many, many occasions I've understood that other people have great family values, morals, relationships. Just because they weren't the ones I was brought up with, doesn't make them wrong.

People who make snap judgements and tell you about them have no class.
And by class I don't mean knowing what knife to use - anyone can learn that. I mean good manners and common sense.

I cheated at life by having non-college degreed parents who said there children absolutely would go to college. And by starting out at min wage at my former job at the college and working my way up, I guess. She never said 'elitist' but privileged did come up. I really don't put on airs, ffs, I can barely stand myself! ;)

That's why it is bothering so me so much I suppose.

Sundae: I hear ya. Soetimes at work I feel like a country bumpkin. When I hang out with them I just feel like me...never knew there was resentment.

Oh hell yeah. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

I am generally either hyper conscious of my 'rough edges' or flailing around trying not to sound like some bookish posh bird depending who I am with. Purely because of how people have responded to me at various times.

I've had the piss taken out of me for being a bit rough and northern, and I've had the piss taken out of me (and resentments shown) for being 'posh' 'stuck-up' and 'thinks she's so clever' etc. I've felt like a lump of grit in a tray of diamonds, and I've felt like an out of touch middle class tourist. Sometimes in the same day.

Swings and roundabouts

[eta] Can see how it'd be a downer to get that from a friend though. And to suddenly find out there's resentment there for nothing you've actually done, but their warped view of who you are.

Can see how it'd be a downer to get that from a friend though. And to suddenly find out there's resentment there for nothing you've actually done, but their warped view of who you are.

That sounds like Their problem to me ,
Joke em if they cant take a fuck !!!

I'm with zip - fuggem'
Dunno the whole back-story, but sounds like you need fewer "friends' like that.


ETA - get yer $$$$ back first ;)

*coughs* fewer *coughs*




:p

:p

Yeah, I'm with the blokes here.

If a so called friend said those sorts of things to me they'd be off my Christmas card list faster than Griff (although he's back on now, so we'll see how that goes hehe), but seriously, you just wouldn't say that to a friend imo, even if you did think it sometimes, and if you did think it, then maybe you don't know your friend well enough to be calling them friend in the first place. What I mean is that if you think badly of your friends about things like that, then maybe they shouldn't be considered a friend. Rather, just an acquaintance.

Additionally, what does it matter if someone is more or less educated anyway? Or has more or less money or debt? Those aren't the bits that make up a person other than to show their ability to manage their finances, which really shouldn't be much of an issue to a friendship.

Dump their arses if they want to be so petty. That's what I think.

Infi -fwiw- remember the "friend" I told you about -the one who didn't want me to get Hebe the tech suit and generally poo-poos anything about my life that is different from hers (better or worse) -the one I didn't tell about training to be a lifeguard because I knew she'd be arsey about it and I was already nervous enough? Same deal, I reckon. It's just their way of dealing with envy and their own self esteem issues.

Something the swim coach said the other day when we were all Polo Moms together in the coffee shop between tournament games (she heard it on NPR or something)....... friendship becomes so much easier when you realize that not all friendships are forever. Some are for life, some for a generation and some for just a season. It's OK to drift away, even after years, and better to do that and accept it than fake it until you can't stand each other any more/come to blows. Maybe it's time to let them and the $2K go -you know you are never going to see that again.

Yeah.. #$%& 'em.



If everyone you know is much the same as you, you lead a sadly narrow life.

Considered amongst the academic and teaching professionals I am friends with, I'm a half-arsed slacker with average talent, but pretty good at getting practical things done.

Then I go to a hippie festival and I look like some conservative sellout abstract intellectual who can't even refuel a generator or colour co-ordinate his chakras.

It's good to mix with a wide variety of people. If someone cannot accept that you are different from them, they have a problem, not you.
#$%& em.

Make no mistake, this is where it's coming from. People are strangely resentful to those they owe money to. There's no good reason for it, and I think people are even generally unaware they're doing it. I guess it's because, underneath, the loan is subtly reminding them they are losers.

Is it refreshing to work in the pawn shop where the resentment is all out in the open?

Some of the store atmosphere is loan based but most of it is open racism.

Nothing like poverty and social distress to ramp up the old racism.

You guys are great, and have really been helpful. Thank you.

Monster, I do remember that and this is that friend I told you about. I think this friendship has beenin trouble for a long time. We just have had so many great times. But really, based on what? I thought it was based on mutual acceptance for who we are. And we've fought and made up, like good friends sometimes do, but I don't know about this time. However, I am forgiving to a fault...but do I want this friendship that I'm not sure is even healthy anymore?

I've let good people fade from my life, never thinking I was good enough I think and hence avoiding the anxiety of the social interaction. This person wouldn't let me do that. She's very determined. And as a sometimes reclusive lonely person sometimes I needed that persistence to force me out of the shell.

So I'm sad. I don't know if we'll talk this one out or not but it seems those underlying 'ideals' may be the end of it. The shit of it is, I'm sure she has no idea how deeply she cut...and may think I'm so damn charmed I will just rise above like us privileged are wont to do.

My auntie Jaqs, Ma's sister, is convinced that ma lives a charmed life.

Any lucky escape mum has, a fall that was nearly a bad one, or a near miss in the car, she says...told you, there's someone up there looking out for you. According to jaqs, it always works out ok for Mum. She seems, in her view, to skate above life's hurdles and troubles. And Jaq's is a little jealous of Ma's life.

Not quite sure how she reached this conclusion. Where this onlooking protector was when Mum fell down her stairs and broke her ankle, or when her marriage hit the rocks and she was depressed, or the years spent coping with my severe childhood illnesses, I don't know. She's had her share of ups and downs like anyone else. Lost a house to bankruptcy, lost loved ones, a miscarriage, a career destroyed by major back injury, etc etc.

But Mum has the skill of being relatively contented. Sure, she gets down at times. I've known her be depressed, occasionally for an extended period. But overall, she knows how to see the good in her life and knows how to take her happiness where she can.

Where it comes from, i think, is that Mum isn't constantly in a state of family crisis. She's built strong and supportive relationships with her children. She remained very good friends with her ex-husband after they'd divorced. People around her come to her aid if she's having problems.

But that's all stuff she built. And she built it with as many tears as anybody else.

Somehow though, Jaqs sees this as a charmed existence, protected in some way from the worst sufferings of life. Because...Jaqs didn't build those close supportive relationships with her children and then their partners. Her divorces weren't amicable, and the one that generally steps up to help when she's in trouble is Mum.

*shrugs*

It's all about perspective and where you sit.

My brothers have wonderful lives. I know exactly what trials and tribulations my older brother went through to be where he is now. My younger brother does 'seem' to have some charm on his side but a lot of that is them making good decisions and being wonderful people. I wouldn't want anything less, not one iota, because I love him and his successes and happiness make me very happy.

And thinking about this, about what's really important in life, has made me happy. Now I'm in the wrong thread. :)

You know what I went through a couple years ago and how its changed my life - forever.
Its also altered my perspective on things - one of which being the term "friends."
From what I've read here, this is exactly the type of "friend" you don't need in your life.
I had what I thought were many friends before. I have many now. They're just different people now.
Those who weren't there or were spreading rumors or only there when it was easy ..... OUT! I fired them all.
Some new and amazingly kind, generous and wonderful people came into our lives since that time as well.
They are the people I consider friends now. The others? I couldn't be bothered even thinking about anymore.
They just continued with their lives when we didn't have the same (insert money, time, help.. here) to offer them.
When we were in need they became too busy or couldn't be bothered to help.
Life is different now and the people I consider friends have enriched mine in ways I would have NEVER anticipated.
I really don't miss the others. I didn't expect that to happen.

Oops - go happy! (was composing while you posted)
never mind

No it is good! I need to spend more time with my friend I used to work with who is now at another college too. She, and her b/f, and her family, and her other friends...good people, all.

infini , for you

I love it! You know, my mom got me one of those stuffed glow worms whose face lit up when you squeezed it, when I was in colllege! Haahhaaa! I can't tell you how many times girls on my floor would ask if they could keep him for a time when they were upset about something: it was strangely comforting. I still have it.

Thanks. :)

Friend's mom died. Not unexpected, but she is a little heartbroken.

Ach damn:( sorry for your friend Monster. Never easy to see a mate go through it.

"Funeral service Tuesday instate 9:30 a.m. with mass at 10:00 a.m. "

instate 9:30 -what does this mean? Is it like a pre-service visitation?

Wow. Not to ignore you monster - i am sorry for your loss - but
just wow. Who knew thst IM and me are the very same person?

I've been in CBT since the cancer - what? Four years now? And still
it's a struggle. But worth it. Worth it.

I wishi could be more fluent here - damn this point and type thing!
drives me nuts and clogs my thought process but i just want
you all to know Esp. Mtp and IM how much you both have helped
me todsy. Hugs.

I am thankful for my real-life friends who schooled me on what I should do. Turns out the appropriate thing is to go to the visitation and skip the funeral. Because this is a full-on Catholic do. Visitation is about showing your support for the family of the deceased, funeral is for those who really knew the deceased. Or so they tell me. So that's what I'll do.

That's true, monster. If it's someone I knew really well I will also attend the funeral, or instead of the visitation.

in state just means a 'viewing' as far as I can see.

(I hope you don't mind some levity: the first visitation my youngest niece went to really confused her. She tells us later "we went to visit him and he was already dead!)

So sorry for the loss of your friend's mother. :(

Can you recommend someone for CBT? I've looked for someone who also takes my insurance...PM me if you can.

:hugs:

Firstly, my sympathy to you.

As you know, we don't do the visitation thing here (open casket?)

I only know how to do the Catholic thing, which would be for anyone and everyone to go to the full-on Mass. People who simply attend the same church do that here, even if they only nodded to them across the aisle once, even people they knew years ago who saw the obituary in the Bucks Herald. Mum took me to a number of funeral Masses when Grandad was very ill. Shopping for ideas. The only real rule is to give up your seat if it ends up being standing room only and you know you were only a random acquaintance. Otherwise the more the merrier - better people who came in out of the rain than a poor send-off.

And everyone and anyone is welcome back to the house (or hall) afterwards. If you don't have a good reason not to attend, and don't, it's considered mildly rude - on a par with calling a new partner by an ex's name, say.

It's attending the graveside that's considered close friends and family only.
It's a terrible faux pas to intrude there.

Glad you got the right advice from the locals.
Turns out funerals are more cultural than religious in many ways.

Another friend confirmed visitation was the thing. I went, she was surprised and pleased to see me (it was a good 40 minute drive and she knows I think American funerals and funerals in general are a palaver). The poor woman is stuck there for SEVEN HOURS, forced to watch people pray by and kiss an embalmed made-up corpse that looks nothing like her mom :cry: (My friend is not religious)

What pisses me off at the moment:
 

The unfortunate tendency of some (perhaps, many; perhaps most) to treat strangers with more kindness, civility, care, than a friend or loved family member.

Familiarity, it seems, indeed breeds a kind of contempt.

Sometimes it's justified though.

"Strangers are nicer to me than you are!"
"That's because strangers have no idea what a bitch you are."

I can still clearly hear the sound of my heart breaking when I was told by the person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else on earth that "People like you because they don't really know you. If they really knew you they would hate you."

It changed me, and not in a good way.

"Sometimes it's justified though."
 

Often, it's not.

Anon
 

Did you tell this person to go fuck him- or her-self?

Probably. I probably got knocked around because of it. Maybe just some more verbal abuse. It's a time dead and gone but those words never leave my head.

The saying 'we always hurt the one we love' is a buncha crap. We should cherish the ones we love.

Is it cuz they're more likely to stick around anyways?

For the record, I'm not talking about family members. I firmly believe that your family is the only one you ever get, and deliberate cruelty is never justified. I guess I've just been in too many situations where other people felt I owed them something based on completely imaginary relationships between us. I would think you, henry, of all people, would be of the mindset that no one owes anyone anything.

Anyway, sorry. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I need to just shut up now.