Thanks for your thoughts and good advice. I was able to see my lawyer yesterday and his take was: it's a good settlement - far better than the last offer stbx made, and essentially fair to me. It doesn't give me anything I'm not actually entitled to and able to get with the help of a good lawyer, but it doesn't shaft me either.

He said, 'Could you get MORE? Yes. Should you go after it? Only you can answer that.'

My take was, I'm not looking for the last dollar and I'm not looking to destroy stbx's reputation here such that he has to leave this town and never be spoken to again by anyone who knows him. I'm not looking to spend the next three years of my life fighting unless it's necessary. I've been a hostage to this relationship for many years; I'd like to start my training program and my new life now - not fill my entire residency with hearings and rancorous back-and-forth and possibly creating enough rage in stbx that I'd end up in physical danger. Or have him hurt himself and live out that fallout with my kids and in this small community. My big question to the lawyer: is there something hidden or not included here that will hurt me? He says no.

I know there aren't hidden assets; I've done the finances long enough and seen the actual financial statements, met with the accountant, etc. He's a partner in a business that's a service corp, no assets, they drain the accounts every month. There's no business value. I have the keys to all the safety deposit boxes, but most importantly, I know all his sources of income and see it all in our accounts.

I will have this agreement put in proper legal terms and entered into the record as a court order so that it's contempt of court if he reneges. Stbx has agreed to that (he wants it now, because then he can write off the alimony he's proposed to pay while I'm in training).

I have no illusions about why stbx is doing this; it's for his benefit, as always. His top priority right now is keeping me somewhat civil, trying to make it possible to stay in touch. After I left last week, he put this out there to try to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not deluding myself that he's suddenly become a nice guy. But walking away without three years of fighting, being free in early July, is worth a lot. So I'm still mulling it over, but if it can work, I'll take this, I think. If he reneges or plays games before the next two weeks are done, I'll just take the other road with my lawyer and so be it. But long-term anger and fighting are draining. I'd rather conserve my energy and get on with my life.

Eek! Didn't mean to write an essay. Bottom line, I think I'll give it a try and carry a big stick. And still walk very softly for the next two days ...

It's a good essay. Good luck.

good luck!

10 years ago my wife left me right after the adoption of our son was finalized. we split albeit not too amicably. heck, when she moved out she got a hernia and i was thrilled. "serves you right" i thought at the time. then she got it fixed. by my father. kinda made me take a step back and re-assess the situation.

at the time that she moved out, i still got to see my then 18 month old son almost every day. i paid my child support on time, and still do to this day.

point here is: I did get over it eventually. was i a loon then? no, just crushed that it didn't work out i guess. today though, she is a great mother to my child, we get along just fine and as well as things are, all around it's not that bad. could be worse.

hope that little trip down memory lane helped.

Thanks. I hope things can stay civil. Although he keeps moving the goal line. :mad2: He wants changes already, and he doesn't want a clause that says the settlement is dead if he backs out. That clause has to stay ... otherwise there'd be no alimony and my income would be pooled with his for the next two years while he refuses to sign. I'll hang onto that big stick.

do it. i consider myself very lucky in the relationship that i have with my ex wife. you haven't posted much, maybe lurked a lot, i dunno. point is, yes, this is an incredibly difficult time for you. trust me on this one though, it could be worse. in other ways you could even possibly imagine. and i mean outside of what you're going through now. i thought my divorce was the worst time of my life. i was wrong.

you've got him to a point to where he feels threatened. aka the clause that says the settlement is dead if he backs out. that's a control issue. this isn't 50 shades of grey. this is a divorce. i agree with you that the clause has to stay.

let me rephrase that. it MUST stay. i believed my ex when she said that a given court was on yada yada date and that it was only preliminary and i didn't need to show up. so i didn't. guess what. i was divorced that day and didn't even know it. i got duped.

that was then, this is now. hindsight 20/20 yeah, if i'd of had a lawyer then things would be different. BUT, point here is this, get through the divorce and don't let him control you. even while you're still there, if he tries to talk to you about negotiations then put a stop to it right there. tell him to talk to his lawyer so that his lawyer can talk to yours. difficult as it may seem, it's what really needs to happen. so so sorry you're having to go through this.

H.U.G.E row with Mum this morning.
Lasted until I was going to be late for work so Dad had to give me a lift in. He was a bit befuddled, but given I was crying hard and it was Mum who asked him he acquiesed.

I blurted out that she was such a negative person and she told me it was because I'd failed at everything I said I was going to do. She said that after her lumpectomy I was so helpful, but I'd just sat on my lazy fat arse ever since (this is partly true, but she just took back control over everything and never said a word about wanting help).

She said she didn't want me living here, but what could she do? But if I managed to keep a friend for more than a year perhaps it might be easier for her and Dad to live the life they deserved, rather than having me there all the time. This stung (particularly) as I have retreated into ultra-hermit mode to stay out of their way. I never cook for them any more (which I miss) do not eat any meal with them, watch no TV with them. But my presence in my bedroom is ruining her life.

I said we all needed to talk more, raising the times she has stormed out of the house - especially the time she ruined Christmas for all of us - and come back and not said a word to me. Literally. I've crept back into her good graces without ever really knowing why.

She pointed out I am not even able to keep my bedroom in the state she would like it so how could she ask me to clean anything else, and that I did nothing to help in the garden (both are true).

Unresolved.
I came home after a day spent on the edge of tears and have retreated up here.
I've been so upset all day I've been retching. If I told Mum that she's say I was showing off. But no-one knew because I "coughed" into a tissue. And in fact I told no-one except Mrs J who packed me off to the staffroom for a cup of tea to compose myself when I arrived.

I'm not asking for a solution. Nor for sympathy. Just saying how today was and why I am upset.
I might look up family counselling. This is not all on my Mum's side, I have to bear responsibility too. It's just that I am slightly less agressive and slightly less defensive. And yes of course I am aware that this is her house and she is doing me a HUGE favour. I just wish we could talk more rather than her game of What Can I Say To Hurt You Today?

so messed up.

I'm sorry Sundae. I wasn't there, don't know all sides, you're my friend and she's not, yada yada yada. Whatever. It sucks to hear grownups being mean like uncivilized children. Saying and doing things just for the hurtful effect. Tha's fucked up.

Mean people suck.

*hugs*

Sorry, Sundae. :( Hope you feel better soon.

So sorry to see this, Sundae! X


Sent by thought transference

I hope things are going better, Sundae.

Control is, and has been, the issue forever. But ... I'm out! As of yesterday. Physically out, in another state, on my own. It feels a bit like coming to the surface after being submerged in water for a long time. A bit of a shock, but wow, that first deep breath feels good.

I know things still have to be finalized and I have a lot to rebuild. Things won't be all roses. But ... wow.

Holy shit! Fuckin' 'A' ortho. How proud of yourself do you feel right now, on a scale of one to ten? I hope it's eleven.

What Dana said!

Still in shock! Walking around my new apartment with a huge goofy smile on my face. Can't quite believe it.

And hey - thanks for the support. :thankyou:

Outstanding. Very happy for you.

ETA: Yeh the air is much fresher on this side.

Anytime Ortho. *smiles*

What's making me happy is: My little Carrotchops. He's just so fucking gorgeous.

At the moment, my stomach, that is all. :p: I hope everyone is doing well. :)

I just quit my church today. I'd had enough. I just found out about a business meeting in the bulletin and that was the last straw. The Pastor could have called me, or sent me an email, so I could have had a heads up. I'm just tired of being in the dark all the time and having my work disregarded.

Ach damn, fargon, that sucks. Is this the same church that put one of the leader's kids in a role he hadnt earned?

I hope you can find a new one soon, Fargon. It sucks to stay where you're unappreciated and disregarded.

Well done, Ortho!
And Fargon, I too hope you find another church where you're appreciated and which sustains you.


Sent by thought transference

Not upsetting me per se, but upsetting my stomach:

Dinner included fried eggs, and Mr. Clod pulled out the trusty bottle of Sriracha (aka rooster sauce) from the fridge. I thought it sounded like a good idea so I used some as well. Almost immediately my stomach began cramping, so I looked at the expiration date on the bottle.

August of 2008. Fucking hell, are you kidding me? Obviously we don't use the damn stuff as often as I thought we did.

Yikes. Hard to imagine what would grow in hot chili sauce, but then there's a bacterium for every occasion ...

More bad news arrived just as I was getting over a prolonged depression caused by a bad winter, bad job and two grandparent deaths. My grandfather (last living grandparent) is in the last throes of life.

I'm going to finish a knife for him. He doesn't understand what I do for a living, so I want him to see something I made that he will appreciate. I haven't been in the shop for ages, so I'm kind of going crazy and aghast at how crapped up I've let everything get.*

*= Yeah. Classicman, I realize I still owe you a knife. I'm sorry it's taking so long.

No worries - You got enough on your plate.
Hang in there.

*hugs perry*

My brothel of a house is upsetting me today. I've done no housework aside from washing for the last few weeks, so the floors and all the surfaces are disgusting and cluttered with toys and other stuff that has a proper place to be.

It all ends right here, right now!

See ya later when my house is straighter!

I'm thinking that "brothel" in Australian doesn't mean what it means in the US...

Sorry to hear that, Perry ... it does sound like your grandfather will really appreciate what you're doing. A truly meaningful gift at a critical time. Best wishes.

It probably means the same Clod, but over here we often refer to a house that's messy and untidy as a brothel, while still knowing it's not actually a whore house. ;)

damn.


eta: i kid but y'all know i care.

Our kitchen refrigerator is making me very angry today!!!:mad2::mad2::mad2:

My parents had the same refrigerator for 20 or so years, an old Kenmore model with simulated wood panneling on the doors that matched their kitchen cabinets. 20 years!!! My wife and I seem to end up having to replace ours very 3-5 years because the cost to repair this junk outweighs buying a new one most of the time.

So here is the issue. Every few months for no apparent reason the freezer side starts super freezing. I keep a thermometer in there to track the temp and it suddenly goes from an average of about 0 f to -20 f! And then the fridge side stops cooling and goes from an average around 35 f up to 50 f or so. The only way I have found to get it back in sync is to cart everything inside it out to my garage unit (doesn't every American have a spare out in their garage?) and shut the kitchen one off for a day or two and then restart it and it goes back to running normally for a month or 2! Trying to get by with the refrigertor in the garage sucks since it's 50 ft or so away and it's pushing 100 degrees outside now. Plus you have to carry all the stuff outside and then bring it back in!

Guess we will be checking prices this weekend for a new one as this is the last time I am dealing with this!

Have the AC power looked at , have them pay special attention to the Neutral to ground power , this should be 0 but never is , if its in the .25 Volts Ac range there could be an issue with connections
And No TW i have no Scientific essays from Sheldon Cooper or Steven Hawking to site , just 20 years of observation , and a Gut feeling

Well, duhhh. Move the bloody garage fridge inside to the kitchen, silly. ;)

I have neither qualifications nor experience, but my gut feeling is that it isn't electrical connections.

I'm imagining that there is one main cooling unit which provides cooling to both fridge and freezer, and the mechanism which distributes this between them has some kind of problem. I'm thinking the pipes which take chilled gas to the fridge block up, so that all the chilled gas goes to the freezer, thus causing the cold freezer and warm fridge. Or if there is some control mechanism to ration the chilled gas, this has a malfunction.

My mum's just had to buy a new fridgefreezer. Hers is only about 5 years old. Looks brand new, no longer works. Got a guy to look at it and he said there was a leak, with the gas escaping either out of the unit, or inside the unit. No residue at the back of fridge suggests it's not leaking to the outside.

Could top up the gas. Cost of £80, and if it's leaked to the outside that would most likely be enough for quite a while, but if it's an internal leak she could be faced with a broken fridge again within a few weeks.

So. With much grumbling and loathe to give up on what was a really good little fridgefreezer that looks still brand new, she has ordered a new fridge :p

Actually, from what I have found in help forums for refrigerator issues my unit cools from the freezer side and the cooled air is transferred to the fridge side via some vents. Somehow the vents get blocked with an ice buildup which is why letting the damn thing thaw out always seems to fix the problem. My dilemma is that it has been happening every 2-3 months for the past 3 years! This is like the 10th or so time I have had to do this and the thing is only about 5 years old! And it was a fancy smanshy model with shiny bright thingies and smooth glide drawers!

"And inside, it's just as lovely: two shelves where none are needed, and look at that -- close the door and the light ... STAYS ON!":)

OK, here is something else that is really putting a drag on my already not very good day!

I went to the AT&T store an hour before they opened this morning just after I found my refrigerator issue. I took a lawn chair and a cup of coffee and my Nook ebook and sat down in front of the door. I was going to be first in line to get the new Samsung Galaxy S III smartphone which was supposed to go on sale nationwide this morning. The manager shows up to open the store and tells me that they aren't going on sale today and no AT&T stores have them! Maybe next week!

Seriously thinking of suicide now! :greenface

If the frig is self-defrosting, check the drain tube for blockage.
(Frozen peas are notorious for causing multi-million $ damages.) ;)

We had that problem, beest fixed it. I'll ask him to stop in and spill the beans -I think it's to do with air circulation near the vent i.e. you may have to rearrange your food.

So I went to my local Best Buy to look at refrigerators only to find that they are remodeling and have temporarily closed the appliance dept. and suggested I drive to a different store which I did. Jesus! These things just keep getting more expensive! Looking at the LG models with the French door scenario. But most of them were on sale for the July 4th period which starts this weekend so at least I don't feel quite as bad. Funny thing is that when we were in Wales this year and rented our flat we noticed how small the appliances are like stoves and refrigerators. I think it's because people shop more often then we do.

Will Texas state law allow me to be buried in my refrigerator? I'd like to multitask this time around.

We generally have smaller appliances, because we generally have smaller houses :p

Space is at a premium in most British households

Yes and the cars and roads are smaller as well! I drove on some roads in Wales that were barely one car width wide! You just prayed that no one was rounding the bend going very fast.

But I do think Brits and many other people worldwide do shop more often than Americans so they don't store as much at home. I shopped mostly at a Tesco for general stuff and noticed that everything was packaged smaller to fit in the smaller fridge, like milk and other packaged foods.

Lot of the roads round here are like that :P Often bordered either side by dry stone wall. Nowhere to go lol. You just kin of hope that there's a break in the wall for a farm gate set back a little so you can pull in if anything is coming the other way.

Mum refuses to come via the back street to my house if she's dropping stuff in or picking me up, because if another car comes whilst she's waiting she has to reverse her car for a long stretch of narrow and slightly bending lane :p


You're probably right about shopping though. At least...for some parts of the States. I suspect it depends how conveniently placed the shops are. Very few people live far from shops and supermarkets here. There really isn't the space for sprawling suburbs. Some rural areas can be tricky, but even then we're not talking US grade distance :p

We have this exact problem. Except for us, what always happens is the vents get stuck in the open position, and everything in the fridge gets too cold and freezes. Piece of shit Frigidaire Gallery. Now the freezer side has stopped defrosting altogether, so I have to scrape a bunch of ice out of it at least once a week. Can't afford a new one, and fixing it isn't worth the money because like you said, it's just going to happen again in 2-3 months.

I've had great luck with my frigidaire appliances so far. The dishwasher is on its way out after almost nine years. The motor and everything work fine, just all the racks, and plastic crap inside have all gone to shit. Replacing them all is more than a new dishwasher.

Chris, your freezer issue may also be a bad gasket letting in too much moist air. See if the frost buildup is greatest at any spot, that will be the source of the air incursion.

Chris, the same logic is applied if you overload your fridge/freezer. The air needs to circulate in order for the thermostat to know what it's supposed to be doing. If there's too much in there (particularly the freezer) then it will start doing stupid stuff.

I would recommend not putting so much stuff in there and see how that works for you. ;)

Yes, we noticed the milk going off and after working on it I found that yes the air was not circulating properly from freezer to fridge, also the freezer was crazy cold. On ours the flow from freezer to fridge is at the top, if you put your hand near it you can feel cold air being blown out. I cleared out the top shelf and put a hairdrier on it this only helped a little. I looked for the other vent that goes fridge to freezer it was about 3/4 of the way down and had a box against it sealing it up quite neatly, i popped the grill off and it was solid ice inside, I hit this with a hairdrier until I couldn't see any more ice and Bob's your uncle. I was careful to put jars and bottles in this area since they would not seal up the whole in the same way, been great since.

If you have cleared it out or it is working i would look for the two vents and make sure they don't get blocked.

I had an ante natal visit today. They told me I have gestational diabetes.

I'm too fucking old for this shit.

Oh Ali, sorry to hear that.

Thanks limey. I'm sure I'll be fine. I just can't imagine what more could go wrong other than for the baby to decide to come too early, and let's just hope that doesn't happen. :(

I'll keep my fingers crossed, and you can keep your legs crossed!!

I'm never having sex again.

That's not what I meant !

I know. ;)

Sorry to bring this up again - I know lots of you were very helpful and supportive in early June when my stbx was pulling all sorts of shit, and I appreciate that more than you can know. And I've gotten myself moved out, and the final papers are supposed to be signed on Thursday (the 5th).

Today stbx texted all day saying his income has dropped drastically this month, that his income will be less than mine once he pays alimony for two years while I train (not true), and that I need to share expenses for the kids (college expenses). And he wants an exception to the nonmodifiable alimony in case he's totally disabled ... it has to be worded carefully though, because he can get his disability insurance if he decides he can't work ER anymore, even if he does other medical work and makes almost as much income as he does now.

I'm feeling like I'm still held hostage, like I will be for the next two years; he wants to meet in person, see my place, makes inappropriate comments about my body ... and I'm so close to having final papers signed, he says he's willing to do it Thursday morning, but now I feel like it won't really be final. Like he'll still have his hooks in me and I'll be hearing from him endlessly, and enduring his inappropriate comments and having to use my bit of capital to keep the kids going, and I'll feel like I just got f*cked over after all, trying to leave ...

I guess I'm trying to talk out the fact that I don't think this can work in a civil way. That I'm probably going to have to take the scorched-earth route and discontinue my initial divorce filing and re-file in the county where we live, so that I can hire the attorney that I'd prefer to have ... and it'll be 2-3 years of bitter fighting and acrimony and endless expense.

I didn't want this to happen. I hate it. After 2-3 years of fighting there may not be much left once the lawyers get their take. But I can see endless years of being hoovered back into interactions that trigger my PTSD and make me almost unable to function. He ruined my day today and it wasn't a critical day at work; once those critical days start, I can't afford this. It makes me SO angry ...

Sorry, orthodoc. I wish I had more to offer than a virtual hug. Your situation sounds like it totally sucks.

sounds like Uncle vinny and D Boyz need to go have a Little talk with butt head

All hugs very much appreciated, clod ... and I heart you, zippyt!

Need to take some time-out and regain some perspective ... maybe it's a good thing tomorrow is a holiday.