A couple of licks on the face and you'll be on your way, just don't watch the news. ;)

Reminds me of a Bill Cosby-ism. No, not that, put your clothes back on.

He once said that he and his brother were well into their teens before realizing their names weren't Dammit and Jesus Christ.

I love dogs that smile.

Yes, he was in his prime there. I'm reminded of what Chappelle said about that period.

It's that time of year again - the Mid Year performance Review.

Which means I have to complete my mid-year performance self-review - which is fucking bullshit. I never know what to write. The software itself is clunky and unintuitive - the way they phrase the section headings and explanations are an exercise in corporate nonsense. They keep fucking changing the goalposts on what exactly they want us to do, so half the frikkin goals set at the start of the year are now obsolete or we just don't have the individual figures for it.

the free form goals are worse - because you have to try and think in their fucking language.

So - there's the 'What' section where you talk about what you've done - examples of things you think reflect well, and which demonstrate the company goals and aspirations (all very woolly, like 'shout out and make it better', 'love simplicity' and 'better every day') and then there's the 'How' section, where you talk about how you approach things, how you've achieved things, what you've done to demonstrate some other goals and aspirations.

One day, I would like to answer as follows:

What?
..... I did my job

How?
..... To the best of my ability.

There ya go, there's your answers. You may add, I can't do this job as well as I wish to, and do this self-review bullshit simultaneously.;)

My sister has fucked up the sale of my Dads farm with her greedy bullshit. We had a buyer and everything was set to go, and she doubles the asking price for her section of the property. And this is what killed the deal. Her bullshit has cost me over 100K, and I'm way pissed off.

Ah family... sorry dude.

Damnit I just realized I didn't ask anything about corporate silliness with the new gig. I'll get what I get I guess.

DanaC - do you think anyone actually reads it? Just waffle. Or tell 'em that great story you told us the other day with the happy ending, no?
Fargon - oh fuck. Fuckin' sisters! GAH!

Those self evaluations are just to make the bosses job easier. Gives them someplace to start. They hate evaluations as much as you do. Although they have books that they can refer to that will give them sentences to plug in. They flip through the books looking for snippets that look right.

Do you know if any of these reviews are actually read?
Or are they filed as evidence to be used against you at some unspecified point in the future?

At one place I worked each department had to submit stats etc every week and a combined report was produced for all to see.
Nobody seemed to notice that in the summary there were arithmetical errors so big you could drive a coach and horses through them.

I never said anything. :D

Depends who your team leader is.

Some take it very seriously, which is why I need to do it - my bonus and level of pay rise relies on my performance rating. Some don't bother reading it at all.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was based on something concrete and if they gave us a decent amount of time to do it. And if it was genuinely helpful in terms of development.

They do the typical corporate thing of taking something that has a good amount of research underpinning it - using targets and measurable goals as a means to improve productivity and morale, encouraging self-reflection and a sense of personal autonomy etc etc - and then they put it through the corporate mincing machine until it is almost unrecognisable. The goals are too opaque - you can do a really good job, work incredibly hard and be very conscientious and end up with a rating that feels like an insult, mainly because of how it is presented and used. Like, you get a rating of 'performing' which sounds like you are coasting along, just about doing your job - when you read the description it of that rating, it sounds like a really good employee, who does a good job, works hard, is conscientious - and ends up with a bonus worth very little. You read the description of what you have to do for the next rating up and it sounds almost unattainable. The whole thing serves instead to reduce morale and encourage an unhealthy obsession with ratings, and people feeling unappreciated and defeated before they start, thereby increasing stress levels.

I don't really want to engage in the game. I see people emailing round for feedback, and 'shouting out' on Yammer - all of which people then put into their document to justify why they should have a halfway decent payrise.

I don't think I should have to be employee of the year to warrant a payrise above 1.45%

Statistically, the number one reason for people leaving their jobs (at least over here) isn't pay; or, promotions...it's feeling that one has been insulted.

Maybe you can work it into your self-evaluation that you've demonstrated heroic levels of self restraint by not insulting your cow-orkers thus maximizing retention of human resources. ;)

I insult my cow orkers all the time but they just won't leave.