I find it hard to believe a person could remain conscious, no less quiet, through all that. You're husband is right, nothing has changed, the past never does. Get some help, pro help.

Tried that. More than twice, with different therapists just to make sure I didn't get a crappy one. Nothing happened. It's not that I'm not facing my issues. I know what they are, and I'm aware they are there and I've been given grief and victims' counseling as well. As I said, I was doing really well (considering) with all of this until this new stuff came out.

Not until you are ready to let go of the drama. Its a choice.

Right. I guess PTSD is a choice as well, then right? Because people who've lived with incredible traumas in their lives can just choose to let go of the drama. You should write a book. Make millions. "How to let go of the drama: a veteran's guide". You've single-handedly cured millions of suffering people with that astounding insight. Choose to let go of the drama. Why hasn't anyone mentioned this to me sooner? Astonishing.

She's right, therapists, drugs, counseling, they are all designed to help you let go. But in the end that's what has to happen, we both know that.

What am I supposed to let go of, exactly?
That he's dead? I've gone through that process already. Again, I was fine Tuesday morning. I don't think about him every day, I don't google the event or the people any more, I don't keep his picture in my wallet or his obituary at my desk. I moved on.
That he was tortured? I came to terms with the story I was told back in 95. This is new information that I'm really struggling to deal with.
That it was my ex-husband that did that sick shit? I've even gotten over all of that, and I thank my God that I wasn't involved with that and that I wasn't hurt more badly than I endured while I was with him. I'm ok with all of that.

My problem now is that I have these images in my head of the shit Travis did to him and I can't get them out of my head. I lay down to sleep and they play over and over, and get embellished in my vivid fucking imagination that I can't turn off.

What I'm extracting from your posts is that you're saying that if this new information bothers me, I haven't "let go" of his death. So then, that means if I've moved on with my life you're saying it shouldn't bother me in the slightest? Really? Because the other three people in my Real Life (as opposed to virtual life here) who've read that account say it's the single most disturbing thing they've ever read, and the fact that both of the people involved were people I knew and loved makes it that much worse.

So I don't think I'm too off base to be more than a little freaked out right about now, even having moved on and "let go".

Or you know, maybe we have different definitions of "let go".

"Let go" indeed.

Then I guess you'll just have to figure it out on your own.

Onyx, I'll admit up front that I didn't read the links, because if it's worse than cuts with lemon juice and cutting off a leg to bleed to death, then I don't want to read it.

I know you're in a painful place, so please don't think I'm judging you for your reaction to this. But it seems pretty cut and dried from here: what you need to do (that is, turn off the nonstop images of suffering in your mind) is something you can't seem to do. No one is saying it's wrong or unreasonable for you to be unable to do that right now, but the fact remains that it's what would help you feel better, and what you want to have happen. You've got to find a way to do it--but that doesn't mean you have to magically flip that switch on your own.

You need to seek professional help. Anyone who had gone through what you've gone through would. You are insulted at the suggestion that you should choose to get over it--yet that is exactly what you are attempting to do, when you avoid seeking professional help. If therapy alone hasn't helped in the past, perhaps it's time for a combination of therapy and medication, at least until you are past this fresh grief. Like you say, it's not drama, it's PTSD. And people with PTSD need professional help.

^wise she is.

finding the right therapist can be a lifetime job. Keep trying until you find the one that works for you.

Onxy, I know about letting go. And I know how hard it is to do. It does not come naturally or easy...it has to be learned. But the learning doesn't happen unless you ask for it. And then the process itself is tough. It seems so cold and loney and scary. But the benefits are worth the struggle.

I would be worried about the son and the high dysfunction that keeps this coming back to you.

You can't change the past but you can change the relationship with your son. You can try to change the future. In a positive way, be more real than the website lady and the man behind bars.

You're right. How silly of me to expect otherwise.

I have changed it. I am no longer speaking to him. He told me before his wedding to fuck off and i did the whole forgiveness and understanding thing but i also told him that if it happened again that it wasnt going to end the same way. He purposely told me in the letter to fuck off again precisely for that reason. He's 24 years old now and i no longer have to deal with his bullshit. The time between sep 12 and last week was the most drama free in years. I dont like drama, despite the shit thst keeps happening. He disowned me and truly, at least for now, i'm better off because of it. Hebrought that shit over to me unannounced and more importantly, didnt prepare me for what i was about to read. He can fuck off as far as i'm concerned. How's THAT for letting go?

Im on my itouch so i cant quote n stuff like i want to.

I have tried therapy. I have tried medication. I'm not i sulted at the suggestion of therapy or professional help, but i'm telling y'all it doesnt work. I've been fucking with therapists heads since i was 9 years old. Now after all these psycjology classes, i know what they will twll me. I know the strategies. I know what to say to get exactly the medication i want. I get that professional help works for most people, but im not most people.

And you're right, clod, i know i need to get over this and bruce is right as well, i need to figure it out on my own. I also am sorry for going off on you, pico, but really, telling me its a simple matter of choice was exactly the wrong thing to say to me, like that, at the time, whether right wrong or indifferent. I appreciate the effort, though (weak smile).

I dont think there is a right answer here. This isnt something that anton should have to deal with in the first damn place. I've gottem some sleep finally and i start my third to last semester of college for my aa tomorrow. I have three classes that are going to need quite a bit of my attention so o'll have no time to go moaning about stuff that happened 20 years ago. Art history in particular is going to kick my ass, i think.

Thanks to everyone for the input, even if I am a bitch about it. Thanks for putting up with me. Sorry for the continued drama.