I'm so sorry for Jaydaan, DanaC and IM for all their troubles....and everyone's really.

Ever hear of the Pleasure Principle? It's when we get to die and NONE of this shit happens.

Personally, I can't wait. Cure me or kill me; I don't care which one but do it.

Binged. five days. scrounged some valiums to bring me down a bit softer. I hate; no, I LOATHE myself. I've done everything they tell me to do. I fail, I fail, I fail.

In light of what you all are going thru this is nada. but I want to be well or die. I'm sick of this POS existence, this loneliness that never ends (some days I'm okay with it but not when I'm coming down all by myself and NOT ONE AA PERSON CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS ALIVE. And I go to meetings, I go; I go. I read the big book, call my sponsor, do CBT, take meds and pray.

NOTHING WORKS.
Oh, I know. I'm not 'working the program'. if I WAS I'd be FINE.

if you had a progressive, chronic and terminal disease and they told you the cure was to drink coffee and talk about your problems-----what would you think? Voodoo? A joke? I'm sick; not bad. I have to keep reminding myself that.

and I'm very very lonely. I even miss my ex. I wish I had the guts to just DIE but it seems I've the constitution of a Cossack.

I hate hate hate myself.

Trilby ... you're right, this is an illness. Don't hate yourself. Sounds like you're not getting the support you need with your local AA. Are there any outpatient or inpatient programs you could get access to? Get a fresh perspective, some new support people, some new people to interact with in general?

PM me anytime. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Trilby, honey, don't do this to yourself. I wish i could help. I think one of my best friends feels the way you do and my heart aches for your pain.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Sometimes the days consist of just getting through the days, you know?

Ach damn. Hugs all round. Infi, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Must have been such a shock. Tril, honey, I can't say I know where you're at, but I can say I'm with you in spirit. It is an illness, you are not 'bad'. In fact you're cool as fuck, and one of the reasons I love the Cellar. I just wish I was over there so we could hang out for real.

IM, I'm sorry for your loss. That's so random.

Tribly try to forgive yourself. You're your own harshest critic.

Infinity: I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Triby: I'm so sorry you're hurting. :( I'm really bad with words and they come out wrong all the time, so I won't say much. Please just know that I wholeheartedly mean this with the best intentions. I hope you feel better soon.

Trilby, I think Ortho is right. Can you try to access some more supportive support? Meanwhile please don't beat yourself up, and know that we at teh Cellar are here for you. Sending you love and hugs x


Sent by thought transference

I feel like Lola, I care about you and I'm sad that you're hurting. I try to think of what I can say, and I come up empty. I'm not going to make suggestions or tell you what you've already heard.

Fuck that, I'll make just one suggestion... if something isn't working try something else! You know that life can feel like a marvelous gift when you hit the right feeling. All these depressants aren't going to do it, and the support you currently have isn't going to do it, but SOMETHING WILL GODDAMMIT.

IM so sorry {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}:sniff:
Trilby Love yourself the most. It is what's best.

A friend died Monday he was 44. This was someone we saw or talked to once or twice a week.
I can't help but think that if his Mother, his only real family {has a daughter who is 7 but he was divorced} had done more he would have had a chance. I have thought about this all week. My husband and I had known him for 30+years and we tried to talk to him about his drinking. Talked to his mother. Talked to his ex wife before she was an ex. No matter how bad he was we always talked to him and tried to help him. Since we are not related we could only watch him deteriorate.

We never got an answer from his mother when we would ask her to have him committed even if he did not quit maybe 30 days forced sobriety may have given him a chance. His wife gave up on him and I don't blame her but her ultimatums certainly didn't work.

We always called holidays unless he called us first. Christmas our calls were not returned and NewYears passed and when we called still no answer. We had a feeling something was wrong. We called a friend who had info that he was in the hospital.

His mother called us about 3 hours after he had passed crying saying she had no idea anything was wrong. I listened to her and asked her if there was anything we could help her do, all the while I was thinking "what do you mean you didn't know anything was wrong? There was something wrong for years." I just feel that it was so sad that no one loved him enough to do something! Didn't he love his daughter enough or himself enough to live?
I guess he didn't

Love yourself most Trilby...You can be in control...The binge has stopped, one day at a time :hug:

Nirvana, thank you for that. It helped me in some ways, too. I can't give details but know that your post helped me.

:grouphug:

Bri I've just read your post.
Don't slice yourself up about it. It's a lapse. You do not do this all the time. You do not live on a constant bender. Of course the come-down, knowing you have had sobriety before, it going to be even more punishing.

Just remember drink-guilt is mostly chemical. Yes it hurts when you look back, but never as badly as the first couple of days.

Keep going baby. No surrender-monkeys in your house.
You have some people IRL that really love you and can offer real support, esp your Good Sister.

And there are plenty of people on here (and we are all real, just communicating by keyboard) who love you too. This is a mixed up, mother-fuck, shook-up world. Drinking hurts you and it hurts us because we worry about you. But I would suspect that most of the people on here do not judge you for it, any more than someone deciding against all medical advice to stop taking their meds.

One of the many things I value about you is your sheer fucking honesty. I've spoken to you loaded. You've come back here after benders. You've not claimed flu or being busy or a slip on the ice, which you could easily have done and been believed (this is not to say people suffering those ailments are dishonest!)

You are intelligent, turn an awesome phrase, write comedic anecdotes well, are true, wear your heart on your sleeve with all the pain that entails, let us into your life, still look amazing, and are a grumpy cynical crone. And a lush and a flirt and my favourite ever not-quite-lost cause (as long as I can be yours).



Sorry to all the others feeling pain and suffering.
I'm on the same road as Bri and drinking/ not-drinking is my current struggle.
Much love Infi and Nirv.

'thank you, Sundae' doesn't quite express how I feel about your post --- but thank you. You've been a rock of sense and friendship from the very beginning.

Perseverance is it's own reward, right? I don't want to die drunk. Not for me but for my boys. They don't deserve that.

*heart* you are a bestie in every way.

(PS to all the others suffering from non self-inflicted wounds---sundae is right when she says we are on the same road so I'm sorry if we seem self involved in this matter; cancer was easy compared to this thing I've got. anyway, I read all the posts here and wonder why I complain at all when others are going thru much tougher things and I feel for everyone who hurts, even dwellars I'm not close to....so know that I read your posts here and find gratitude and appreciate your sharing because we need to listen to each others' stories-----it helps me, anyway, feel less alone.)

If you sprain your ankle, it hurts like hell. Then you read somebody else broke their leg and you sympathize, but that doesn't mean your ankle doesn't hurt like hell anymore. ;)

Sundae! Trilby!! Get a room you two!! ;)

And take pictures... lots and lots of pictures. :luv:

a few days ago I posted that I'd ended a friendship. It's definitely over. During the course of the last few days I've had a number of calls an messages from mutual friends about the situation (none instigated by me. My intention was to just let it die quietly) wanting to know what's going on.

Apparently this ex friend has embarked on full character assassination.

On the flip side, no one's buying into it. In fact, if this person doesn't stop soon, she's going to end up with no friends.

Very sad for her, cause she needs them.

given enough rope most people hang themselves. Just sit back, act classy and see what unfolds.

And if that doesn't work, go round and kick her in the cunt.
Then she'll have somethng to complain about!

Tril, that's kind of what I was doing. Most of this unfolded last week, and I saw most of the girls on the weekend at a picnic we had, but I didn't mention a thing. Apparently the nasty phone calls started on Saturday night after the picnic which ex friend didn't go to.

Believe me, a lot of them are shocked at the things this person is saying. They're so far fetched they don't even believe it. No one wants to tell me what she's been saying though, so it must be awesome. lol

Sundae, I don't think I'll waste any effort getting physical with this woman. It's not really my style for starters and she's doing a pretty good job of beating herself up without any help from me anyway. ;)

So uhmm...

I got kicked out school

Bummer tora. What does that mean for you now then? And why did you get kicked out?

I'm thinking of resigning from my job.

To do what? That's what the 'rents are worried about. Never mind my high blood pressure, two anti-depressants, one anti-anxiety, and constant gastric distress (ulcers maybe?.)

I was on one anti-d when I started here.

I've never not excelled at everything I've tried except sales. My chance to 'shine' and explain my difficulties (while repeating the huge number that is my responsibility...to keep me a bit anonymous let's say closer to 100 million dollars than to 50 million dollars) while the office is restructured have been met with...oh the tinge of implication that I can't prioritize, that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm lazy, that I'm crazy...

My talking with consultants, leaders, HR...all deaf ears, while at the same time making changes right and left to accomodate cow orkers.

To sit in a staff meeting and be told the reason part of my paperwork (that any monkey could process) has such a quick proclaimed turn around time as opposed to two months for another process is that they 'have other responsibilities.' Really? Oh, yeah, and I don't. I won't see any of you in July just as I don't see you now giving a crap about the magnitude of my job. Instead, a MIss Thang who is about the lowest on the totem pole can run cry to bigwigs that we don't ask 'how high' because she snapped her fingers and negates all the extra things I do, every term, that takes hours, that save enrollments to the tune of hundreds of students. When students come to my desk and tell me no one has EVER helped them like I did, or showed them respect. Unbelievable.

But egad: whatever will I do? If my job goes the world ends. Did you know that? Apparently, that is the way it is to MY friends and family. Suck it up. It's just a job. Commit fraud if it helps you achieve your goals. It's your fault, you've fucked it all up somehow (and how? I've been working since I was a young teen and never fucked anything up as it relates to my work ability.) Let the job change you. Let it make you bitter and unethical. Go in every day and feel like the red-headed stepchild. YOu HAVE to. You have children to think of. Except I don't. Your sissy law survived it. Maybe I need to get me a successful husband so I have an equally soft mattress to fall back on, so I can just check out of the employment world altogether. Becasue you know, none of that was her fault. Like it will be your fault. Or be like the other sissy law who is super super woman. That's who I should be.

If only I were MORE perfect. If only I were BETTER. It can't be the fault of anyone but ME. Right? Yes, let's make sure that your feelings about how much I suck match mine.

Ranting. Hurting. Fuck it. All. of it.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem, why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

--Alanis Morissette

anon- I was in very much the exact same position at work as an RN (and, as an Xray tech, too) I took drugs to cope (plus, you know, the 'i'm an addict thing') but working in health care is what REALLY took me down. The utter incompetence, the sheer uncaring attitudes, the fights between depts (hey, I thought we were all in this together to help the patient but apparently not) the pettiness, the backstabbing, the lying and the other liar swears to it, I went from one job to another trying to find my niche and never, ever finding it. People either hated me or loved me; it was never a neutral thing. administers hated me mostly b/c I brought up topics everyone was concerned about and talked about (10 patients to one nurse) I'd say that was unsafe in a 'formal' meeting and guess how many of my cow orkers supported me? right. none. They'd all look at their hands and murmur "Oh, we can manage..." then something horrid would happen and they'd spend 30,000 dollars on a 'consultant' to help them figure out WE WERE UNDERSTAFFED. It was brilliant.

I worked for one of the most unethical women on the planet and SHE hated me because I got work done. I work smart, not hard. I made her look bad. I was on top of this shit. I hated her with a pure white-hot hatred and the feeling was mutual. She was a high school grad who'd worked her way up (after fifty years) to boss of Accident and Emergency and she'd tell RN's how to do their jobs. One time I was at a deposition for an employee and the lawyer asked what gave her the right to voice a medical opinion and she said, "Forty years of experience". She was pure evil. If an employee dropped a wrench she'd drug test them. It was her or my sanity (she did all kinds of illegeal things)and one day I asked for a sign, felt like I got it and quit.

Woooooboy. Then the fun started. yeah, I had problems of my own----but I never drank on the job or before the job ---- just on the way home. I hated everything I did. It was killing me. Traditional health care was NOT my path and it took me two degrees, loads of humiliation and more for me to realize I was not where I was meant to be.

My family had a fucking cow. My father had paid for all my schooling (because he picked what I was going to do----I wanted liberal arts but he wouldn't pay for that "crap") he wanted me to have a job, goddamnit! Preferably one that made me misreble and suicical and insane. My jobs directly affected both my marriages negatively; I started to hate EVERYONE and became paranoid that nobody wanted anything but to manipulate me. "Hey, can you hand me that pen?" and I'd think "What's her true agenda?" I was nuts. the job MADE me nuts. i didn't even know I was nuts until I worked for the State of Ohio in psyche and saw all these horrible, unhappy, grey-faced, burned-out THUGS antagonizing the patients for their amusement and I said something about that. We had 'mental health techs' who were ex go-go dancers. Oh, yes, we did. Most of our staff was on more meds than our patients. I told them they were going straight to hell and you know what? That place closed a year or so later. It was SOOOOO Abusive.

Then someone I trusted said, "you know, working 7p to 7a is inhumane," and I thought, yeah, it IS inhumane. I fucking quit. My dad hated me anyway so what was that to me? and look! I'm still here! I am NOT homeless, i have food (hot dogs, not steak, but hey) I struggle every month to pay the bills but that's my own fault.

Im not telling you to do anything. I'm just telling you I jumped and landed ok. I don't know if the same will happen to you. but it's possible.

It's like the only way I see out, to save my face which is apparently more important than saving my life...is to be seriously injured, seriously sick, or dead. And I've thought of these things. Every time someone tells me how lucky I am. Every time I am discounted or ignored when I try to talk about these things. Every time I sit here and listen to the golden children get accolades for planning a party in their spare time (which is pretty expansive, that spare time) and every time I am looked down upon chastised or just asked "WHY is that the way it is" when I've told a million times WHY it is the way it is...all I can think of is a good way to just check out. Without bearing the brunt of knowing what a fuckup everyone thinks I am.

No I don't really want to die. But I want to be out of it. I want to go away. I am back to wanting to run my car off a cliff. There aren't many happy noments intersecting all the crap right now. Very few laughs keepign me going. But I am not important. I used to be. I used to be considered really really good. No one cares. so why do I bother?

Assuming you are a grown person anon, and you can tell me to fuck right off but you have to quit caring so much what other people think especially relatives. Unless they are providing financial support their opinion is like their asshole...It is so freeing to please yourself. You can only live your life for yourself. Find something you love to do and try to make money doing it and make other people happy. You seem to be making other happy doing what you are doing, maybe you can find joy in that maybe not but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Take care of number 1 YOU!

Gotta agree with Nirv. It's easy to suggest but damned hard to follow.
I did it. But I only managed it because my parents let me live here.
Living as an adult child at home is bloody hard on everyone, but doing a job I love makes me a real person again. It's also allowed me to face health problems which before I would have exacerbated hoping they would kill me sooner rather than later.

If you are that close to the edge - not a judgement, just something for you to think about - then money is a fairly minor concern. Family opinion is a minor concern. It doesn't feel like that, but if you leave these people it will hurt them for the rest of their lives.

Don't judge yourself against other people. Excuse me while I go off and laugh for half an hour at my hypocrisy at typing that. I judge myself against my sister ALL THE TIME. I am jealous. I am envious. I desperately want her to love me and can't understand why she doesn't. And I am never compared to her now. Never, not ever. I just soaked up too much of it as a child. Also I was the second daughter. No special status for me.

Anyway, seems I turned your pain and misery into a post about myself.
See? You can do the same ;)
I feel for you Anon. Mostly because I know who you are and care about you.

Say "fuck it" and go and volunteer in Borneo for a couple of months. What can you lose that you haven't already worried about?
Love and hope.

What Nirvana said. And I think you would be much happier in a new line of work.

I was immediately reminded of that story about the president and the three envelopes:

Upon entering the white house, the new president receives a note from the outgoing president. It says that the three sealed envelopes numbered 1, 2, and 3. In each is a piece of advice on how to handle a crisis.

The first crisis hits and the president's popularity plummets. He opens the first envelope "Blame your predecessor" it says. He does so, and his ratings rebound.

After a while, the president encounters another lack of confidence from the voters. He opens the second envelope "Fire some cabinet members". He does so, and again his popularity rebounds.

A third time, a crisis hits. He opens the third envelope. "Prepare three envelopes" it reads.

My take-away is that you can't win in this situation and neither will your successor.

Another thing to look at is, in how many of your previous jobs did you have a similar problem? If this isn't an isolated incident it could be that you are a poor judge of jobs, or subconsciously pick jobs that are familiarly disastrous.

I realized after about 4 or 5 times that I tend to get involved with narcissistic borderline women. They all looked quite different, I don't have a physical type as much as a psychological type. I told my therapist I was no longer going to pick out my own girlfriends any longer, or at least have them vetted first.

Sorry you are having to endure non-cress people.

I am that close to the edge. The only relief from the pain is to self-inflict pain. People are whispering amongst themselves, giggling, sounding important, going to meetings, acting important.

I used to be important. I used to be respected. I wish I would get shot. I wish the building would catch fire and I'd just sit here. Beating myself up, litterally, only helps for a minute.

I'm not trying to be a basketcase. The fact is, I am a basketcase. People think you can fake being a basketcase but you cannot. Not like this. I'm not exaggerating or trying to get attention.

I know who you are too, and I apologize for making your problem about me and what I went thru. My motive was to let you know I know just how fucked up a work place can be. My two sisters looooooooooove their jobs. The most fun I had working was being a waitress but I was young and cute then so it would be much, much different now.


Meds. Sounds like you need to make an appointment to tweak them or at least talk to your doctor. I know the feeling of wanting to run off the road just to get some relief...it's a dangerous feeling. I also know you don't want to die but you feel like you are dying a slow death in the trap of your workplace. If you call your doc today, at least you will have done one healthy thing for yourself today. You will have a goal to stick around for that day when you can see him or her and get some relief. I've found crying like a hysterical nutcase in their office tends to bring them out of their zombie-like daze and help. God, I remember what it was like. It was unbearable.

And it's not you, sweetie; it's them. It really, really is them. Dysfunctional people will come together like magnets and ostrasize the one normal among them b/c they're terrible people and they want everyone to be terrible.

I wish I had a magic wand...

>wss<

I know who you are too anon, and I wish I was there to hug you and make you a cup of tea :hug:

Here's a good one. I had a little rant on FB (stupid, i know) about how NONE of my so-called pals in AA called while I was gone for 2 weeks. Dead? Alive? Who cares?

I then deleted it, feeling like a jerk but one AA fb 'pal' saw it.

today she put up a picture of a little bird braving a freezing snow storm, his little head tucked in from the wind with the words "This too shall pass"

and I felt like saying two things: yes, it will pass but with the pain of the biggest kidney stone you ever saw; and yes, but it's not passing quickly enough and i want to pass with it.

Hugs, anon.

I am not doing well. I am considering the looney bin. It won't stop until I make it stop. I can't tell you the pain I'm in. I can't do this I can't i can't.

I don't know what to do.

You need to leave work. Go home. Take a nap.

Think office space.

Oh and just walk out, don't tell anyone anything.

Scared.

What if I really am crazy? No...the shit around here is that fucked up. I need to get through today (and a funeral tonight :( ) and make a plan.

I have spies who look for my car, don't you know? I am 12 years old. I haven't the sense god gave a rock.

Dear anon,
Please quit your job. Please visit your doc for a meds tweak. Please look after yourself. You are loved and valued for being you, even by your family, even though they seem to want to keep you imprisoned in a job you hate. Truly. Look after yourself.

Sent by thought transference.

i don't know who you are, but giving up and quiting on life is never the answer. i'm a nut case and you have to learn to live with it. remember, you can always run away and change your name. get a fresh start. i already have my bug out planned just in case things get really bad

Thanks everyone. I'm so sorry. I am so far gone right now. I will be embarrassed someday when I feel better, if I get back on the upswing. But I'm the lowest I've been in years, since I ran my hand through a window just to get away from the abuse and was taken to the looney bin. Even that felt like a relief. So you're getting a lot of info I"ve not given before. Can you love me less or hate me more for being such a loser?

I'm so so sorry. I didn't know where else to turn. I will contact a psych doc. I promise.

I am a leper. When did I become that? I've always been loved. I've always done really well at things I do. I've even been admired. Now I'm just shit. And I can't deal wtih beiong shit.

I will get help. I promise.

What Trilby said this too shall pass
What foot said leave work, tell them you are too upset by your friend's passing and you HAVE TO GO HOME! Take a bath have a cup of tea get ready to say good bye to your friend. One thing at a time...

Nirv's right.

bump

what the ??? I don't even.

Ok. what happened?

Yes, mods. Can we please take out my pitiful cries for help from death to another thread so that I don't step on any more toes? BV knows when and where he's needed, by god, and we don't want to upset any delicate fucking balance for him.

Toro, I do care about your school. I just didn't know where else to put this and I am trying to keep myself from hurting myself.

But BV is right: it's about time we stopped talking about me and started going back to make sure we don't miss anyone. Go V, thanks for at once knowing who to care about and who not to. You're charmed that way, arent' you?"

In fact, delete the whole fucking mess. Who cares.

I do.


Sent by thought transference

He was probably going down the posts and Toro's was before yours , we WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

I do. I care too.

" He was probably going down the posts and Toro's was before yours "
Nirv, that's very charitable of you. The "bump" kind of says not so.


But anon, many of us care very deeply. yes, we are uncomfortable but it's because we care and don't know what to do or say, not because we don't think it's important. it's hella important. Please stop and get help. Your current situ is a pile of crap by all accounts. You ended up there because you were good at your job. apparently some people think that gold-coating lead will make it desirable. idiot people. seems like they thought you would shine brightly enough their crap would stop stinking. "anon -so awesome their effect crosses the sense barrier!" But now you're sinking in the crap weighed down by their lead and they can't see your shine and are too stupid to realize what they've done. get out of there. now.

I will get help.

Just so you all know you did help. I am over the roughest part now. I can see beyond the next five minutes.

I am so very grateful for your kind words and caring. I know I'm a basketcase but I'm your basketcase. I obviously need to make changes...I ain't outta no woods yet, not by a long shot.

-make an appointment
-fix resume
-send resume
-get out of here
-laugh in July about the mess they won't have any idea how to fix. Poetic justice, thought I won't even know about it directly. I'll know.

I thought the bump was to emphasise the 'wtf?' to Toro. because it does sound like it is a big deal, and it had the misfortune to land just as something really major was happening to another dwellar and so hadn't been picked up by anyone. I don't think, and V can correct me if I'm wrong, that it was a dig or criticism of Anon's predicament or its place in this thread. It was giving some attention to Toro, not removing it from Anon :P

@ Anon: Jesus fucking wept, mate, what a shitty situation. I can't offer any great advice other than to echo what's already been said by others: find a way out of that job asap, and try not to let the opinions of others, family especially, undermine your own sense of the world. You know the job is fucking with you. It is making you unhappy. There's nothing lucky, or warranting gratitude in an unhappy worklife. And there's no virtue in sticking to something you hate. If they don't understand the extent of your misery, they cannot possibly judge your response to it.

Wish I could think of something useful or helpful to say. Fraid alls I have is another declaration of caring. *hugs babe*

Dana, and EVERYONE...Really, you've all said useful things. You helped SO much. I was pretty worried about myself.

And yes, please let's get back to Toro. I am sorry Toro. What happened, if you want to talk about it?

We are here...as you can see: I found my comfort here. Today. And it helped.

A heartfelt banality: I hope your situation improves soon, anon.

I recently made the decision not to go back to my job as a teacher in the fall. Our pockets will be hurting, but the job's just not worth it when it sucks the soul out of you. I hope you can find a place that treats you as a human being deserves to be treated -- with dignity, respect, and caring. :flower:

Anon, I'm glad you're through the worst of it today. I hope it gets better for you. I'm glad the others were here to help you through.

dear anon

I intended no offense. I am concerned about toranokaze and I'm concerned about you. I'm glad you're through the worst of it now. DanaC explained well; I can not improve on it so I won't try.

Yours,

Wishing everybody well, hope things get better
Sorry I'm not around, not uncaring just unwell

ortho - take care of yourself too

I wondered about you O hope you feel better soon.

'Anon- quit the job. you CAN do it. Read "The Consolations of Philosophy" by Alain de Botton and focus on Epicurus. I went from making 58,000 in 2005 to 18 and change now and I'm fine if I don't go nuts at stores and buy stuff I don't need-----like yet another pair of earrings etc. 58 to 18 is HUGE but you know what? I'm much happier (mostly-sometimes I'm lonely) I can go nearly a month on a tank of gas, my creativity has started to return and I have time to learn what life is instead of trying to please odious supervisors who lived to kill souls. I went back to school at 43 and I know you're younger than me (and I got a completely useless degree but it meant something to ME) I qualified for FAFSA; maybe you can, too. Study something you adore or have always wanted to. Get an extended LOA or FMLA. If you stick to the hysterical crying in the doc's office, or say certain things, I'm sure he or she will fill out the paperwork. My sister did that FMLA thing when she was in another job and her supervisor was bananas.


the real question is: how do all these nutjobs get into management? They're not good with people, they're not good with managing anything...oh yeah. They're sociopaths who smooch the ass of the one above. Some of the people I've worked with I wonder how they sleep at night. Use this energy to change things for yourself and when your family asks you why you're doing this say "because it makes me happy." and smile. you don't need to explain it to them----they wouldn't get it anyway.

you matter. You matter, you're important and you're no mistake. You are made of star stuff.

anon, it's good to see you've had so much support here during this low period today. I guess that's what most of us like about this place. Knowing there's usually someone around who cares enough to listen even if that's all that can be done. It's heartening to see you've got a plan in place. Please be kind to yourself and stick to it. Things just seem totally out of control for you now, so maybe having a 'get better' type of plan might give you the focus you need to drag yourself up by your boot straps.

Aden just quit his part time job because he's sick of the politics. A big thing for him, but small in comparison to your issues, but just an example of someone else going out on a limb because they're sick of the shit at a workplace.

It will all work out. It's always scary, but there are thousands of stories about people leaving shitty jobs and walking into something great that they would have missed out on if they'd stayed for the torture instead.

The thing that's upsetting me today is worry about a friend who is currently under the knife having a brain cancer cut out. He had the first one cut out last year, but it's grown back. He's going to be left with facial scaring and some paralysis and numbness in half of his face. He is going to lose his ear canal, but is positive about getting a cochliar implant after this op is over. Anyway, I guess we all have challenges to face. I hope we all come through them well.

you know====this whole thing, all this depression and anxiety and dread is smacking of January. January and July---the two suckiest months in the year (my apologies to those born in those months----your zodiac sign isn't a reflection of the month but of the stars. I was born in Feb (along with the fabulous DanaC) which is also a sucky month but short, so that counts, and has nothing to do with me being a Pisces.