I think it's a good sign. Your brain is resetting what it means to be uncertain and/or out of control. I believe nightmares are a process of our subconscious working things out, rather than sinking farther into them. That's what I tell myself when I have them, anyway. :)


Tril, I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope those kids do okay, and that the dad stays a solid friend of Bill W.

Sundae--try not to sweat the dreams too much, though I hear you: they're disturbing.


It might be the alcohol (lack of) and your brain re-setting itself.

I don't know if it's upsetting me or pissing me off, but Eva is teething, so she's not eating/drinking properly, which of course leads to not sleeping properly, which means neither am I. Dazza is away (although he gets home tonight) and things have been a bit difficult with the no power situation and the wild weather over the weekend.

All in all, I could flatten the next person who irritates me even fractionally. I'm just itching for an excuse to blow my top. :mad:

I love that story. :)

Now I'm crying for her instead of me.

I guess life isn't that bad really. I even have aircon now the power is back.

Oh thank god, that was a *tense* ten minutes!

Excellent story, Zen. :thumb:

from my QI book that Sundae gave me as a present: all the breeds of poisonous snakes in the world live in Australia.

YIKES!

Some of them live in africa. Cobras, black mambas etc. I wouldn't want to tangle with either of them.

Yeah ... I know snakes are necessary to certain ecosystems (I think), but I prefer them to stay far from me. All kinds. :worried:

The Drover's Wife is an Australian classic.

I'm now wondering about rewriting it as The FIFO's de facto.

Ironic, no?

In other news--

My aunt is in the hospital. I am taking my mom to go see her. This is a *serious trip*. She's sedated to stop the seizures enough to get the medicine in her. She's on a respirator. My uncle called me this morning to tell me she's in the hospital. It's the latest trip of many after a fall where she smacked her head. The swelling did not respond to moderate interventions, so two weeks ago she had major brain surgery. She'd been home a week, today, when she started seizing again.

My mom had a major stroke in 1997 and traveling with her is an ordeal. Having her only sister dying in the hospital will make the traveling seem like an insignificant distraction. I don't know how long I'll be gone. I need to get all this shit together then call my uncle with the details of our itinerary.

I feel powerless to help, immersed in busy work, unable to relieve any of the anguish they're suffering. Now to my list. :cry:

Sorry to hear this, V. But you are helping. It's a terrible situation and you're doing all you can. Best wishes and support to you and your family.

Right, handing the logistics is a huge help to all of them.

Brianna crying down the phone.
Totally understandable and I wanted her to let it out.
But so sad to hear.

:(

I'm not doing very well today. I feel so much is hanging over my head. In my immediate environment I see happy, teamy, confident people. I sit here feeling 3 inches tall. Ugly. Fat. Incompetent. Stupid.

I am trying everything, and nothing is helping. I am in no danger of a meltdown. It's just that I see no point in any of this (even though I am still working on 4 things at once. I listen to the young and malleable with their limited responsibilities talking and laughing and occasionally 'working together' on something: perfecting things so they think, because that's the kind of time they have. On jobs that, for the most part, anyone could do.)

I don't think I'm relapsing but it's going to be a very long afternoon. Whatever happens I wish it would just happen. Because I'm dwelling and it hurts. And I'm angry again, and that hurts. And I feel worthless, and that hurts.

The look on 'her' face yesterday was one of incredulous disgust. Never in any job have I been looked at like that. It makes me disgusted with myself. No, don't let her rent space: but you know some people are very very good at intimidation, especially the sneaky kind where no recourse is to be found.

Here I sit, disgusting and worthless. It seems as real as not long ago when I said I will be OK, and that I have worth. It's not easily shakeable. I'm trying, though.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down.

You know you're not disgusting or worthless. Try not to let thoughts like that into your head. They are false.

What, in this moment, is lacking?

So, anonymous. Use your escape plan. Pre-empt them. Leave.
You are not disgusting and worthless. Re-read those positive posts of yours and get your thoughts back on the true track, that you are clever and worth far better than that silly tart with the incredulous scared smirk on her face ... she knows she's the one who's worthless ....

As my friend tells me, "What other people think of me is none of my business."

Well put.

Just as the flower is a plant becoming conscious of itself you are part of the universe becoming conscious of itself. YOU are IMPORTANT. My heart breaks for you b/c I know you are wise (which, in my book, is better than intelligent, but you are that, too) and kind and funny but you are hurting.

I could suggest poems or literature but I will just propose this: You are more than you know and stronger than you seem and other people have to live in their own heads---she's probably a cunting bitch who can shake it because her essence is evil. I know that sounds extreme but there ARE evil people among us and they shoot rays out everywhere----UT might call them stupid; I call them evil b/c they fuck up the world. If they only fucked up their OWN world that would be fine----but they fuck up OTHER people's worlds and they don't care. Psychokillers. I wish I were a true believer, but I think too much shite is random. In that one prayer they say "Lord, lead me not into temptation..." why would a loving Lord LEAD someone astray? Test his faith (Job) fuck with him like a toy for a one dollar bet with Satan? I don't believe that.

the kingdom of heaven is within us. One guru said, "You want to know the secret of my happiness? I don't mind what happens."

Thanks everyone. You help so much. I am better now. I keep trying as hard as i can and doing the best work i can. Not much more to be done, as I've made it perfectly clear how i feel and what i know about the issues.

So i have that: i'm honest and human and i'm no robot or servent I can live with that.

:lol:

A family favorite!

My freaking brain does not work. Chemo has eaten it. :thepain: :confused: :dunce:

Please may I have another?

You need to learn to take better care of your things. How long have you had that brain, 29 years? And look at it. Do you think brains grow on trees? When I was a kid we didn't get a brain until we were 7, and then we had to share it. I think I didn't get my very own brain until I was 26 or something. Even then, my girlfriend did all the deciding for me, I rarely got to use it.

use it or lose it, or so I've heard.

I use it, but I keep losing it. Careless, I know. I blame it on the mustard gas. I really need to stay off that stuff.

So, no dice even with a pretty please, foot? But I'd take good care of it this time ... none of that wacky yewbaccy, I promise.

wacky yewbaccy. Your sense of humor is intact.
That's more than a lot of people have going for them.

Give yourself time and prioritize what you want to remember and what to forget. You've got to free up space on your hard drive and trim your RAM usage. Think Mac classic for a while.

That's me, a cute little Mac classic ... although my RAM will choke and die when I have to put together my PowerPoint presentations with streaming audio and upload them to the online learning site.

I'm gonna free up space on this hard drive, though, starting with my daughter's booked flights (3 trips) home this spring. Rebooking on Southwest has no change fees, but all the fares have gone up. To keep anywhere close to what I paid originally she has to be picked up/dropped off at the airport in the middle of the night, a 2-hour drive each way. Every time I rebook (because she doesn't know yet when she'll come, she just isn't coming this weekend) it'll cost more. I found this out last night, taking time from studying to pore over flights through Sept and coming up with nothing.

So I've decided to stop agonizing over it and throwing good money after bad. She will miss her flights and lose the money this month and next. We'll see about April. If she wants the April trip changed she can pay the difference. Otherwise these $400 flights will end up costing $600 or more each. She can save toward her airfare when she wants to travel.

There! That was easy. Eat the loss, why should I mind losing that much money, right? If I've watched my budget and carefully put aside funds so I could help her while I eat rice and beans, well, I can afford it, right? It's just one more way she's picked my pocket this winter (she asked me to book the flights after she'd decided not to re-enroll, saying she needed to come home more often during the semester - I think she just wanted some plane tickets available for use whenever, once the sh*t hit the fan).

Hard drive clean(er) and re-organized.

vision :(

Sorry monster :thepain:

Shit Monster, I'm sorry.


Orhto, good for you.

What is upsetting me? All that money for health care and it doesn't seem like it helps anyone. Go see a Dr REALLY? :neutral:

Amen. The only doctor's who help you out are the one;s who get indicted for helping hurting people out.

ortho----chemo brain does sort of go away. Now, the pain in my legs and my loss of balance...fairly new. Maybe (hopefully) MS so I can die slow and painfully, the way I;ve lived. Karma;s a beeyotch, Trilby. rememeber that, stupid girl (me, not you)

I feel ill and I don't know why. I'm feeling very low and depressed.

You mentioned elsewhere that you've stopped all your meds, including the antidepressants. Could that have something to do with it?

Yeah, what meds, also? The half-life for Effexor is the shortest, and the withdrawal after one day is horrific.

Did you just stop cold turkey? Did you do it under a doctor's care? It can be dangerous, MTP. Take care of yourself, will you?

I stopped cymbalta, seroquel (I hadn't been on it long), abilify, and some med they gave me for PTSD called prazosin. I don't have PTSD, just bad nightmares about work.
Yes I stopped cold turkey, yes I know it was bad. But I couldn't function on the drugs, I think the seroquel was the worse of it. I stopped pretty much the day they fired me. I tried taking seroquel the other night and then couldn't function for 24hrs. I just couldn't do the drugs anymore and clearly they were not helping me with my job which was the whole reason I was taking that shit anyway.
Don't worry, I don't plan on not being under a doctor's care. I just have to find a new one, one thats not gonna insist on putting me on drugs. I'm done with them. I want to be in therapy and all I'm just waiting until I have new insurance.
I have a touch of bronchitis and I haven't been feeling well since I bumped my head yesterday morning. Maybe I have a concussion.

goodness, mtp. That sounds bad. Werent' you an antibiotics for your bronchitis? Make sure you monitor yourself.

That Seroquel can be powerful stuff. I am prescribed it, and when I first took it, I got knocked for a loop. However, I have the tolerance of a mule, and after a few days, I was OK with it. Still, if it's not helpful to you, I sure wouldn't mess with it. Hope you can find a competant doc to monitor your meds. It's no fun when some idiot doctor gives you a script for something that makes you feel even worse. :(

Sometimes it takes perseverance and honest discussion to figure out what works when you've asked for help in a crisis.

Absolutely! I have had doc's who have been outstanding in this way. I also have had physcians who are spread far to thin, attempting to serve a large patient population in underfunded clinics.

Alas, this is my situation at the moment. I see my doctor every 3 months whether I need to or not, and she is available in y town only 2 days a week. The rest of the time, I've have gotten med advise from a woman who has training as a medical assistant - not even a PA. In once such instance that advise turned into a disaster.

I'm sick. :-( Some kind of stomach bug, though it seems of the 24 hour variety. I had saltines and water for breakfast; for lunch I had the same thing as my 6 month old -- infant oatmeal and applesauce. Hope I feel up to real food this evening.

Fuck Cancer.

Rest in peace brother. I shall never forget you and am proud and honored to of known you. You will always be my copilot no matter what.

I'm sorry, philthy. Fuck cancer.

Sorry man. That really sucks.

I'm sorry to hear, Fred. May he be in a better place.

Fuck Cancer in the EYE !!!!!
Sorry for the Loss Bro !!

thanks y'all

Sorry for your loss, phlthy. :(

Sent by thought transference

Sorry, plthijinx. Fuck cancer. :(

Sorry for your loss, Philthy. :(

I'll add my sympathies to the bunch. It's so, so hard to have someone leave like that.

it's horrid.

Sorry man, fuck cancer.

Sorry pilot. :(

Had a pretty bad scare yesterday.. not sure we are in the clear yet, but things are better this morning.

Yesterday around 11am we noticed Aesa was not moving right. She was "lazy"and kept laying down. By 11:30 we realized her back end was not working! This was not just a case of a leg going to sleep, or just too tired to really move much. She couldn't move. She could not stand up on her own. We got her up on the couch and she tried to lift her head, she wobbled a lot and could not even keep her head up long. All signs pointed to bad... very bad. Heart issues? ( we both remembered our Freya 10 months ago) Stroke? could paralize the back end. Something else neurological?
I called 4 vets, and not one was available. One we could go to, but the vet was on a farm call, and could be hours longer.... Our son remembered a freind of his mom used to be a vet assistant. So he called her. She came right over and checked Aesa out. The symptoms were scary, but not "exactly scary enough to be... stroke, heart, seisures etc" Aesa was alert, eyes were clear and focused, she just could't walk. When she did try she slowly fell down, and then started to shake. We were assured it was just "shock shakes" and that she was ok. The Lady suggested we take her to the vet, as her concern was a temperature change from front end to back end. She was concerned about a blood clot or something like that. So off we go.. We get to the same vet clinic we were at with Freya, in the same room. My hubby looks visably shaken and I am getting stressed out even more. I have been fighting a fever for 4 days and this is not helping. I soon realize Aesa is not comfy in here either, and ask to be changed rooms. They moved us over, and everyone relaxed visably.

We waited over an hour for the vet to get back. She takes a look at Aesa, goes through a quick exam. Says she must have eaten something not good for her, and that she looks like she is recovering just fine and we should take her home. Thats it we ask, and she says yes, heart, eyes, blood pressure, colour, muscle tone, coat, teeth... all perfect. We see this all the time she says. She might have eaten a house plant, some bad food, or pot. A dog on pot will have the same symptoms. Really, thats all you got? There is a 95% chance she did NOT get any pot. BUT we did have company over that smoke, and they did put the roaches in the ashtray. Did they leave enough in there to cause this? No clue, I was in bed, and my hubby said he really was not paying attention. Aesa did eat part of 2 house plants yesterday morning as well... she is part goat I swear. I'm 99% sure my china doll plant is non-toxic, as my cats used to eat the whole plant years ago... it was their favorite. The other one... I don't even know what its called, so I have no clue. I think its part of the violet family. Waxy bunches leaves, with small yellow flowers.

Anyway, the vet sent us home without so much as a blood test. $200 later since it was the weekend. Aesa wobbled a bit, planted her self on Dad, and had a long nap. She then got up, jumped of the couch and ran around the living room 3 times and barked at dad, once each trip around. This is her "I have to go pee" dance. So out to pee she went. She came back in, had her dinner and a drink, and then once again planted herself on Dad and went back to sleep.

This morning she woke me by standing on me and licking my face. We went outside, she came in and flicked her ears and tilted her head ( her"well where's breakfast" look) They had breafast, and she is now napping again. No shakes, no wobbles.... nothing. Good as new.

So now... did I blow 1/3 of my morgage payment on a dog that either ate a plant, or another "plant" or is there more to this, and this was just the first of....??? Her heart is fine, 2 vets agree. She does not have a murrmur or cardiomyopathy. There blood pressure and colouring was fine, both agreed on that too. Temp was fine. Both agreed it was not a stroke, as her eyes were focused and ok. I can't lose another dog so close together. 2 in a year... no thanks. But she seems fine now. Terrified, over sensitive due to illness and the brutal reminder of Freya's passing, maybe we are just over reacting.

Has anyone had this happen to them? Any ideas on what else it could be? Should I be worried?