Sundae, so so sorry to hear this - horrible for you, horrible for your mum, just so sorry. Fuck cancer. Please don't apologize for being upset, of course you're upset.
I am so sorry you're dealing with so much. :(

Sorry, Sundae. Give your mom and dad an extra hug for us when you visit.

Why can't I just be a normal, decent, achieving daughter?
Poor Mum. Saddled with me as well as cancer.

Yes, I am going to try to step up, but despite what this Govt says, mental health issues aren't just stupid lazy people making stupid lazy lifestyle choices.

I NEED to be well to help Mum. I'm terrified. And if I am, what is she?

Sundae, by helping your mum already, by being there for her, you ARE a normal, decent, achieving daughter.


Sent by thought transference

This. To be repeated many times.

I'm just catching up - hon, this is a horrible thing for you all to be dealing with, cut yourself some slack.

limey has hit the nail on the head there, good and proper.

You're doing just fine.

More then normal actually.

I think it's Bruce that likes to say not to compare your genuine inside to other's made up outside? Most people are all talk and would like to think the most of what they'd do if, but all to often when shit hits he fan they react to their mother getting cancer as something that is entirely happening to them - not to their mother. In contrast - it seems to me you are stepping up and trying to be there for her, measuring yourself to what you'd like to be and give to her in her time of need. Normal is not a particularly high bar in this case, and it seems you are jumping way above it.

I'm sure there are a million thoughts going through your head, that's normal. But these thoughts don't flash in a logical order and it's confusing. Writing it down here forces you to kind of organize your thoughts. Write something, read it, and say yeah that's right, or no, and rewrite it. It's a big help and we don't mind, it lets you and us understand, so write away. :thumb:

Things aren't going well in my head.
I'm not coping. I'm sure I will again soon, but in the mean time if my reactions seem a little "off" it's because I'm going through one of those dips again.

Very hard to communicate effectively.

I've had to reach out to two people who have been very kind in return, but I'm trying not to spread the whole weariness any further.

And no, this isn't directly related to anything my family are going through. Only indirectly because it's affecting my mental health.

That's all.

Go and see that sympathetic doctor, Sundae. Maybe a little rebalancing of meds in the light of recent strains on you is needed? xxx

Good idea.

Seconded. A little help in that direction can go a long way. Sending good thoughts.

today there was a head on collision on a bridge here in town. a tour bus and an amphibious tourist vehicle collided head on. four people dead at the scene, twelve critically injured, another thirty or more with injuries. it's very tragic. the tour bus was full of foreign exchange students enroute to or from a local community college. the "ride the duck" was full of tourists.. two other vehicles were involved in the crash. the road's been shut down for hours. "we're contacting the consulates in an effort to reach the families" so sad.

That's awful! :(

Sent by thought transference

Just had a call from Mum.
She is seriously angry [ftr she has just had a cancerous tumour excised]

I know my Mum.
I know she deals with stress/ hurt/ problems with anger. Really bad anger.
And she's going through a terrible situation. I just hoped the fury would take a little bit longer to arrive.

She's already accused me of not keeping the place clean.
She left at 06.50, and yes'm, I have managed to keep it clean.
She assumed I did not make sure Dads took his tablets (he did)

And when she called, she interrupted me talking about Auntie Joyce who is in hospital, because she was far too tired. AFTER asking me how she was.
Having cancer does not make you a nicer person.

But I do love her and just sounding off here.

Sorry, Sundae. It's not fair, but at least you know her well enough to know where she's coming from. You're a good egg.

Yeah, that sucks. Be thankful you understand where it's coming from, and not your fault. Be strong and soldier on.

On the personal aspect of "bullshit kills people":

In the mean time, back in the short term world, things are very tense around here lately, because a couple of the stabbing incidents were in the city I live in, and a lot of the pressure to provide additional security falls on city hall, where I work.

Everyone is up and armed about that the whole freaking week. Every night I get calls from concerned parents, some of them directly linked to the events and that's all I can say, some just terrified from the atmosphere and the media.
Every day since this wave started, every morning, everyone shouting at each other and fighting about what responsibility falls on who and screaming out the same old political garbage.

I need to be this super nice agreeable person all the time, because 90% of this job is diplomacy, and yet all I really want to do is to get up and call out everyone on their bullshit. My blood is boiling and I need to act like it's the nice calming steam of a relaxing cup of tea. And the worst part is, I have become shockingly good at it. Shocking for me anyway. Probably to anyone who has ever known me too. Which is exactly the change of personality life has being demanding for me, and yet I can't help but feel like I am loosing so much of myself in this... On both directions, I am more agreeable and diplomatic then ever when it seems consequential and more of a prick who pushes people away when it's unlikely to be, and yet neither feels like the fun yet prickly self I used to be.

Sounds like a bag of stress, trace :(

Remember it's not you, you're not lying, not being deceitful, it's your job, like an actor playing a roll. Don't be ashamed of becoming good at it, that's what they hired you to do.

Oh sorry - that probably portrays me better then I am - it wasn't intentional: Let me clarify that for me this isn't an issue of guilt, it's an issue of restraint. My problem isn't dishonesty on an ethical basis, it's having to keep all of what I really think inside.

That's what makes actors good at their job. You can portray the sympathetic shoulder to lean on, then kick a puppy on the way home. ;)

Yeah, we know that much. Milk thief...:p:

That actually worked out really well - they increased the amount of milk they buy. Now a co worker of mine gets to have cereal at work every shift, and I never end up not having enough for coffee. Plus I helped stimulate the economy, and presumably some cow's nipples, which is the most action I've gotten in awhile. Lesson learned:I should steal things more often. I've had my eyes on those sticky notes...

:facepalm:

Update, she went for spinal surgery and they found that her L4 vertebrae is devastated due to new cancer they have found. We shall now see whether this convinces her that modern medicine is her better choice. This is her husband's great hope. She had been going to chiropractic for months for it. They have fused other spinal bones and hope her back works well enough to get along, and advised the next round of treatment.

It is just terrible.

So sorry. Chiropractic for this, oh god ... I can't imagine. Wrenching bones that are already disintegrated and forcing them past ... aggh. So sorry to hear all of this, the entire situation is terrible as you say.

I agree, I've had good luck with Chiropractors but I wasn't broken, just bent.

God damn it... Just followed the post-chain on your friend, UT. And it has gone on for awhile, I am hoping modern medicine still has some time.

That's... How do you deal with a situation like that?
I mean, here's your friend just when she needs support more then ever and hard truth more then ever, while been a self-destructive idiot and yet having every right to be a self destructive idiot. How the fuck do you navigate that terrain?

You have the argument your whole life, but there is this point where you aren't entitled any longer, and then you just don't have it. You just leave it on the floor.

My friend was going to have the argument yesterday with her ("Do you want to see your children graduate high school?") but she was still too groggy and in pain.

I can't judge her decision.

Coming from my perspective as a healthy person, I would like to think that I would fight like hell in her situation. The kids! But who knows how I would feel if it was me?

I'm sorry, UT. :(

An acquaintance's husband committed suicide a couple days ago.

They have kids aged 10 and 7, both with autism. She's been a stay-at-home mom since the older one (who is low-functioning) got diagnosed as a toddler. She manages a small amount of income from some rental properties, but is otherwise up shit creek.

But never mind all that. I get it. Depression lies, the suicidal person may genuinely believe that his loved ones would be better off without him, or that there simply is no other choice. Okay, fine. But I'm pissed because he did it in the house where his fucking kids could find him, and that is bullshit. Your depression may tell you that your family is better off without you, but if it tells you that your children with severe anxiety issues ought to stumble upon your mutilated body, you've got some other shit going on.

Drive off a cliff. Threaten a cop and get him to shoot you. Rent a goddamn hotel room. Or at least do it with pills so they're only partially horribly scarred for life. Jesus Christ.

That's really, really fucked up. I'd guess he was mad at the kids for ruining his life, but who knows.
The only thing for sure is, he is was a fucking dick. :mad:

Wow. That really is fucked up.

This. IMHO there is often a message in the choice of date, method, place etc.


Sent by thought transference

I read something ages ago, can't recall where, about people who commit suicide in such a way that their family find them. One of the things that came up is the idea of feeling invisible or disregarded. It may be that he felt 'ignored' by his wife given that so much of her attention would have been on the little ones. His choice of location and method may have partly been a way to force himself back to her attention, and possibly punish her for 'abandoning' him.

Doubt it would have been as clear as that though. But it may have been an element.

That figured in in the thoughts I was having when I was having those kinds of thoughts.

;

That is brutal. I have a mom deep in the well of depression right now and it is totally blowing up the family and obviously the kid.

Damn ...so sorry.

As usual it all kinda come at once.

I had a really awful email from my Mum over the weekend. I would love to quote it here, but that is very unfair. Suffice to say it was a complaint against my father going back for years. She wanted to make it clear to me that she had had issues with him and his selfishness for long before he had Alzheimers.

Again, I know why.
I know why she directed this to me, I know why she's hurting so badly she can't keep it to herself, and although she doesn't know I know, I do know why she "started hating him" when she was in her 50s.

I also know that she has not hated him continuously all that time. And that they still love eachother. And that for many reasons she can never leave him now - part of the problem.
But reading those words really hurt. I held off replying until it stopped being about me, and made my response all about her. It's not that much of a stretch. I do love her after all. I just forget sometimes we don't get on all that well, and that my relationship with my father was always a flashpoint. The sad thing is, it still is, but neither of us can connect very well with him any more.

And then Otis is sick.
I knew something was up when he came back from the petshop (where he was boarding while I was down at Mum's) and the lady who handed him over said he was lazy/ idle/ something along those lines. No - he's fun, frisky, lively.
So when I heard him wheezing, when he didn't come for mealworms when I opened the cage door, when I went in and grabbed him up and held him under my chin for warmth (for his comfort, not mine) and he didn't try to climb on my head, I knew there was a problem.

Respiratory infection.
Two injections already. Needs to be in vets overnight.
Needs to be seen next week.
Needs to be kept in isolation when he comes home.
I've already gone out to buy a new set of bedding/ housing/ food bowls/ water bottle (for the little cage I keep them in while cleaning the McRat Mansion). He's not infectious, just that his antibiotics will be water soluble, so he can't be with Duncan. And I think that's probably what's upset me the most. They will both be so miserable without eachother.

But hey. I'm probably projecting because Mum goes back in to hospital on Thurs for a check-up.
And Diz died when I let someone else take care of him - pretty much this time last year.

And I have a bad haircut.

Ah geez. It does all come at once. Sorry, Sundae. You're taking care of everything and everyone so beautifully, but you need others too. For what it's worth, sending warmest thoughts and support. Hang in there.

Watching my kids suffer upsets me.

Indeed, I know the feeling.
... especially as my G-kids try to make it today as young adults.

.

@ Sundae: ah hon, that's rough. Give us a bell if you need to vent.

@v: I'm not a parent, but I am an auntie and it broke my heart when Soph was having a difficult time earlier this year. It's never nice to see the younglings suffer, but as a parent it must cut so deep.

I have no idea what is going on with your kids, or why they are suffering, but I hope it's nothing too serious.


[eta[ ah damn, V, I just read the other thread. So sad. I can only imagine how hard this is for them. And for you seeing them go through it.

I'm sorry sundae. That email has to hurt, no matter the reasoning behind it. :(

Bigv...so sorry to you also.

There's so much pain in the world. :(

Well now.
I had a second email from Mum, which was happy and jolly and fine.
So we're back to pretending everything is okay. That's the way we roll.

But in better news, Otis is back from the vet. Gosh he's so skinny to the touch. You can't see it - both my boys are big - but I can feel all his ratty bones under the skin. I noticed it on Sunday. So he gets some extra special treats while separate from Duncan, who is stronger and quite capable of muscling him out of the way.

And the ear infection I feared has sorted itself out. Never progressed further than a bit of pain, fluid and poor hearing.

V, I'm so sorry about your situation.
I was too caught up in my own to read up on it.

Maybe the drum ruptured and relieved pressure? You should keep water out of that ear canal for a few weeks to avoid infection while it heals. (If it ruptured.)

The wife of one of my husband's former partners died unexpectedly late yesterday afternoon. Said that way, it sounds like we barely knew her but we were very close for more than ten years while my husband ran the ER corp in the '90s - always at each other's places, shared holiday dinners, lots of time spent together. They were the only non-family that we asked to be at our granddaughter's funeral in 2010. We drifted apart in 2011 over business issues, but the partner and my husband had been best friends for years prior. She was just 61. She was absolutely devoted to her kids; she was the 'do everything, go anywhere' mom. The family will have a very tough time.

How very sad for all concerned. You can still feel a lot for someone you've drifted apart from if they were a big part of your life for years. Hugs to you, ortho! x

I"m sorry you lost a friend, Ortho.

condolences

Sometimes that makes the loss even harder, because you think of the time you've missed.

Sorry, Ortho.

It is awkward after drifting apart. I'm very sorry for all of them. It feels odd and sad to not feel able to just reach right out as we used to. We have reached out, but they aren't in town (she was stricken while at an out of town wedding) and things are distant physically as well as emotionally. We have given them our condolences and let them know we are available to help. I feel so bad for the kids.
Anyway, they have our contact info and we'll let them know they're always welcome. Once things settle down, it gets harder.

Me.

*frowns* that sucks.

Sorry ortho,

That's weak, I know, but true nonetheless. Sorry.

What's upsetting you today?
 

Mall shooting less than a mile from Auntiedigr.

:(

The VA or eye Dr. not sure which one to blame. Called to check on new glasses. Dead end everywhere. Then VA called and said had nothing from my eye DR. The fax was to be sent on the 16th. Oh well. Was too late to call them when I got the word.

What a crap system. Sorry B.