...better the alarm clock than him, right?

Its such a looooong list. And its been building up since he moved back in after Christmas.

He just wont mind me. I tell him not to slam the door when he comes home late at night. He still does it. I get on him about it, he gives me lip and so I yell. I tell him not to do laundry at the beginning of the week (when I do it), he still does AND leaves his stuff in the dryer to boot. I get on him about it, he gives me lip and so I yell. I ask him to clean the bathroom, he doesn't do it. A few days later I get on him about it, he gives me lip and so I yell.

Lately, he has been spending most nights at a new girlfriends, but he neglects to turn off his alarm clock, so it goes off in the morning and I have get out of bed to deal with it. This has happened many times before and I have told him to stop it, but he doesn't. So this morning I threw it against the wall in a fit of anger.

It's really all very petty and actually just a power struggle, I know. But the few things I ask for he totally ignores AND IT PISSES ME OFF!

And I know I am a jerk for feeling this way, ...afterwards.

Why doesn't his father deal with him? surely he must have something to say about his own son's behaviour...

Oh, he's not bothered by it. He thinks I am just nagging him and fighting with him too much. Truth is, I am like a terrier or pit bull when it comes to my house rules. Otherwise, the boys would just run roughshod over me. It would be nice if I didn't care.

eta - My husband will take my side when I need him to. For instance, I asked him to talk to the boy about cleaning the bathroom, he did and the boy cleaned the bathroom today. Also about the laundry and the alarm clock. But it doesn't stop him from still doing it all again later on. Its really frustrating.

Oh well, at least you can ask your husband for help then. I get kind of annoyed with my kids for repeatedly doing the same annoying stuff over and over. I think it's part of growing up in a way, and they probably will keep being annoying till they have their own place and are forced to wake up to themselves. Either that or have kids of their own who are annoying.

It's not so good if he doesn't respect your house rules though, and I don't think there's anything wrong with being strict about them so that you don't have to feel like you're always picking up after someone else. That's simply not fair.

Well, see, there's yer problem.

1) Large bolt on the inside of the door goes across when you go to bed

2) Large trashcan filled with water.by the laundry. all clothes found in your way end up in there.

3) bathroom gets a lock on it that requires a key to open

4) Alarm clock ..... check. :D

Not to get too personal Pico and not to contradict Pat Benatar but, start using sex (or lack thereof) as a weapon. Let your husband go to bat for you.

Yeah, the stepmom relationship is a sticky one, and your husband is the one you should have a talk with. He needs to fully support you in the things you need done in your house (i.e., if the stepson is an adult then he is a guest and needs to behave as one.) Setting his alarm clock when he's not home is incredibly irritating, and breaking it is an understandable reaction after the umpteenth time. Definitely do not buy him a new one. Have your husband let him know that his alarm clock will mysteriously disappear each time it happens from now on. When he slams the door in the middle of the night, make your husband get out of bed right then to go talk to him about it. His growing wrath over this situation will be enough to fix the stepson's behavior, I'm sure of it.

Unfortunately, because I felt like such an idiot for showing my ass by breaking the alarm clock, I gave him the spare I had in the linen closet. He said he didn't want it, and when I closed his door, I heard him throw it on the floor. Probably because before I shut the door, I did tell him that letting it go off when he's not there is inconsiderate and every time it happens it will be taken out of his room. I went down to his room today to check on it and saw that he plugged it in and is using it. I'm pretty sure that right about now, he is feeling justified in his self-righteous anger toward me.

My husband is a bit of a weak link, though, because he doesn't want to be hassled with confrontations. But yeah, its time to direct my attention about this toward my husband. Cause dealing with it myself is making me crazy (and I'm starting to wonder if I'm not like Sundae's Mom...:eek:). If the boy is making me crazy, then my husband is just going to have to share in the misery. I'm just not looking forward to that, because irritating him can backfire on me.


Man O Man, would I love to to do those!


Do you speak from experience? ;)

Just do it Pico. The alarm clock was a step in the right direction not the wrong one. You gotta stop letting him treat you like this.

Hiya ME--

You have a very difficult situation there, as you well know, and I can only think out loud here. From this distance, I know practically nothing about your situation, the dynamics in the family etc. Keep in mind, my advice guaranteed valuable, it is worth at least twice what you've paid for it.

So...

Being a step parent is a tough fucking gig. I know, I am one. I've been a stepson too, so I have some first hand experience there as well. I am an adult child, though as an adult I've never had to live with my parents, step or otherwise. I have had, and do have adult step children living in my home with me. I must say all these step designations are explicit for your benefit since they are not used at all now and haven't been for years. But back in the day when they were merely rebellious repulsive teenagers, the step designation had MUCH more significance. Since then, their mother has become my ex wife; life is better in every way. That's not really what you're talking about though.

I understand the logic behind others' talk about enlisting the support of your husband. This is good advice by itself. It is good to have support, it is good to have a united parental front. However, I really *don't* like it as the main thrust to improve the situation here because it puts more power/responsibility for your own happiness/peace of mind/etc in the hands of other people, transferring it from your stepson to your husband. He might be nicer about it or more effective about it or whatever, but it is still your reaction, your state of mind. And the actions are still those of your stepson. I don't think this is a move forward as it is a move laterally. Not really progress, though definitely not regression.

I think it is more important and more useful to be respected on your own merits. How you earn that respect is ... man... that's huge. That's the whole art of being a parent, of being a grown up. But it is absolutely worth continuously striving for. If he cooperates because you asked him to, that's the best possible outcome, don't you agree?

Based on what I've read, I think you are on track with the thought that this is a power struggle. There could be (and probably are) additional considerations like some people are insensitive slobs, or simply thoughtless, etc etc. But I have a suggestion that works equally well with a thoughtless child as it does with an actively or passively hostile child. I learned this waaaay back in the day when their misbehavior was simpler but still felt hostile. It has to do with natural consequences, consistency, and a mechanical dispassion. In the parenting classes I attended it was described as the "broken record" method.

Pick a given behavior, like leaving the alarm clock on when he's not there. Remember, KISS, (keep it simple, stupid): tell him what's wrong; the alarm clock is clanging away when he's not there. Tell him what the consequences are when that happens; the alarm clock is taken away. Then enforce the rule every time, but without "showing your ass" (I've been there, it's tough and embarrassing and ineffective and diminishes the respect you've earned. Sux. Keep at it.) Others here have already talked about this, like being confronted immediately about the transgressions (door slamming).

Ask Pico how he learned his place in your pack's hierarchy. Lay out the rules and enforce them *consistently*.

Honey, If I used sex as a weapon, NATO would be all over me like a cheap suit.


Or were you asking if it happened to me?:blush:

Note to foot:

Do NOT use the word 'sex' and the word 'cheap' in the same sentence if you are trying to imply that sex with you is an internationally explosive event.

I'm going to change my name to Inf'Initeè Precious M'O'nkeh.