My wife is really nice to me. When we married, she suggested we engrave our wedding date on the inside of our wedding bands. I know our wedding date, but check inside the ring every once in a while just to be safe.

For my first marriage I somehow managed to have first date, proposal, and marriage all land on the same date. Women felt it was romantic. Men knew it was practical.

Madman - Right on!!
Griff - you too
I agree that it comes down to the communication between the two of you and knowing what the other really wants. Personally? I'll take the furniture - it lasts a lot longer and I can enjoy it with my partner many many times over versus a one night thing. Oh and for the record, I got an Eagles T-shirt for my 40th - no party, no cake (cept from my mom) Nothing - same as my 30th. Thats just another reason I will not be spending any more birthdays or any other days with her ;)

My suggestion is to start changing your communication style. Make it a 'from this day forward' kind of thing. The very next time you have the opportunity to express how you feel about something, take a deep breath and just say it. If it's not fine, don't say 'yeah whatever, that's fine.' I used to have a hard time telling anyone something I thought they did not want to hear. But I have learned that to be fair to yourself and your own peace, you have to be honest with other people. If you're not, then your constantly lying to people and that's not right.

And find an opportunity to tell your house guests that it has gone way past the original offer of temporary housing.
Not to get everyone all upset and yelling, but it has to be all right to start a conversation about it and calmly say 'this is causing a whole different set of problems from the problems it was intended to solve. Let's talk about how we can change this. No offense, but I'm not happy with this living arrangement any more. And you know what? They may act offended and go away mad, but they have to know you are right. They don't have to like it but they won't truly dislike YOU for being honest with them.

This is way past my two cents I know, it's more like $1.50 now, but IMHO you should just talk with your husband. Tell him what you told us, what you expected, what you wanted, your disappointment, and tell him you have a problem expressing yourself honestly. You deserve to get what makes you happy, but people can't read yourmind.. you have to ask for it.

Hoof - so sorry to hear how things have worked out, especially with your health and all.

My :2cents: matches much of what is already posted here. Do try to take a step back (although in your position I'd be screaming the house down)

Don't say to yourself, "If I ignored his special birthday it would mean I didn't care" - it sounds like he just doesn't get how important it is.

You say he's a good man, and you're the most likely to know. So it's just a case of man-itis. I know it's hard, I know you deserve more, but sound off here (where most people will sympathise, esp the women!) and face your husband for a Serious Chat with a hug, a smile, and steel within that velvet glove :)

Where does your husband stand on the subject of the relatives moving out? Your current living situation and your illness(es) are far more relevant than a failed birthday celebration ten years ago. You can't change what happened on your 30th, and you can't really affect what will happen on your 40th unless you take the earlier advice to throw yourself a party (which I also heartily recommend!) But you CAN change the current living situation, and I'd bet a lot of money it's contributing more to the problem than you realize. Imagine what a huge weight off your shoulders it would be to have your own house back again.

RE: Clodfobble's advice. She is wise behind her ears. I find it hard to believe she is as young as she is and has the perception of someone much, well, wiser.

RE: Madman's advice. Have you considered a red crayon checklist?
;)

I agree... you guys are too old and have too many issues to be taking care of those who can be taking care of themselves.
This may actually solve a lot of the issues you have.
That extra tension in the house builds, it gets in the way of our ability to let steam off, to find times to communicate when we naturally would.
My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, no more... it just did not work with us and we suffered trough out last years of college because of it (much less money), but is was worth it and has been since.

I hope you get through this. Oh, he needs to clean-up after himself, no excuse for that shit. Especially after coming home to an, obviously, spotless house.
*sending loving and healing energy*

:lol2: I was going to suggest the Red Checklist.

If you had done dinner & movie for his 50th, would he have been disappointed? I'm betting, not.
We think differently, so if you want something SAY SO. Please, please, please, tell us what you want.If you add, "or else", you're a bitch......anything short of that is greatly appreciated. :D

I had to laugh...when we want to 'talk'...we find ourselves in the Master BR closet! I pointed out to him that this is OUR house and we shouldn't have to speak to each other in our closet. :rolleyes:

When they first moved in, he told them they were not to fight in front of me. It bothers me very badly (raised voices, cursing and saying hurtful things). He told them if they needed to blow off steam that way they needed to take it outside or down to the barn. If my health suffered (took a downturn) they would be out in a flash and it wouldn't bother him at all to turn them out. Thankfully, they have not fought in front of me...and not been the cause of any medical problems I experienced last summer.

Hubby agrees that they need to get motivated, but he also acknowledges that if his sis cries, he backs off. He and I discussed her and her unemployed status and agreed that she needed to be spoken to. We had planned on doing it together one evening...but that evening didn't turn out to be the best time...and I tackled it privately with the sis the next morning. I was balancing the checkbook and it seemed a good segue to speak with her about our finances and resources being slowly drained by them.

The convo was a good one. No crying, no raised voices. I just calmly stated the facts and what I expected out of her/them.

Now for tonight and my 40th tomorrow fiasco...
I have thought about it all day and realize I have been carrying this around with me for 10 years. It is time to let it go.
My husband loves me. He came home from work tonight and brought up how surprised he was when I mentioned a 40th party last night. His mind just doesn't think that way...and I really cannot expect him to read my mind. We went outside and moved some fencing panels to prepare for bringing my horse home from the trainer's and discussed plans for the property. We had a good evening.
I really am very lucky, he does a lot for me. I don't work. I have a nice home. I have a horse. I have a classic sportscar. A b-day party is NOT the be-all, end-all of my life. He is my life. He is there when I need him most, every time. That is what is important.

I am very glad I behaved like a Thoroughbred. I do not ever want him to think me a Nag.
Thank you all for your advice.
hh

ps...he made a comment this evening that he and his boss (our friend) are cooking up some sort of celebration, but it needs a bit more time...so I'll get some celebratory something...just not tomorrow. We don't have the funds this week.

Yay you!

Edit: HH, somehow I missed your last post. I think my eyes jittered past the last page altogether (see espresso thread).
_________________________________________________
I seriously forgot my own birthday last year. Don't hold it against him, hoof. In the day-to-day grind, guys forget that landmark dates mean something to women. What should really matter is not so much the 30th or 40th bday, but all the days in between.

But make sure you get something decent out of the deal. Forgetting birthdays with zeroes at the end is pretty lame.

And boot the freeloaders. Damn, I pay rent to my own parents along with taking care of the outside of the place. And I'm getting off easy -- it's going to be hard to move out again when dad's well and have to keep track of my own laundry. Maybe if you crafted a letter that outlines how you feel without being accusatory, SIL will take it better than a confrontation. But it might be more about her own fear of failure (or success) that's keeping her pinned down, and not laziness. But if it were me, I'd set a deadline for employment and charge 100 bucks/month or something. Even if you're contributing to the household, it costs money to have people running the electricity, gas, and water, not to mention the simple imposition. They're not owed room and board, no matter the circumstances.

Soemone save me, I'm sounding like my parents. :cry:

I hope you get somethin good for your bday ;)

muahahaha Bruce singing Spice Girls is sooo amusing to me for some reason.


HH - wooo hooo for the way you handled that situation. Well done!!

I'm glad you've come to terms with the situation, and I'm glad that you will be getting something, thats all most of us girls want, is some small acknowledgement, more than usually, but still not much.
For my 17th my mom gave me two small charms and I was taken to lunch by my dad and sis (mom was sick, bro never cares). I wasn't really happy with this b/c normally I would get more and since I had caused a "problem" early in the month, this was their punishment. For my 18th I got $75 towards my car payment (a car I hadn't really wanted/asked for) and my mom said happy birthday to me the day after, I don't even remember getting a b-day dinner.

Ha! I sincerely think it was being able to let off steam here at The Cellar AND reading the advice of others that allowed me to view it from a different perspective and let it go without pouting.

I got it out, and that was good. By getting it out, it wasn't inside to poison everything I touched with it. ...and I truly let it go...as evidenced by the relaxing evening and discussion* hubby and I had about it when he came home from work.

*I think I must be most of the problem of our communication problems. I usually pout and drag-around. I had let it all go...and that made a big difference in how we were able to discuss the situation. I see changes in the future...good ones.