You know, I read this earlier and thought "yeah, right on" but didn't say anything. I should say something.

rkzenrage, I have a lot of respect for you and how you are dealing with what you are going through. You are a stand up guy.

Me I have had a few times in my life that I have thought about it ,
My mother , well for as long as I can rember every few years she tried some thing stupid , like takeing a handfull of codean , only problem was that she was alergec to codeen , so she pucked it all up , etc,,,,,,,

My father did put his lights out ( when I was about 5 ) , I have never gotten a streight story about that ( depression , or an afair ( or 2 ) tax dept etc,,,,) , Mom suposedly copyed his note( yeah RIGHT) and burned it ( she was the queen of SPIN , and a hell of a minuplater ), then every few years she would get out the note and tearfully read it to us , then with in a few weeks or days she would end up in the hospitol with tubes in her arms ,
Or her best friend ( /lover ) would try to do something stupid ,,,

A few years ago my sister May have tryed , her hubby druged him self to death over a few year period , then she wraped her Ford ranger around a tree at 100mph pluss , no skid marks from brakes , just WHAM !!! She broke both legs , and hips , broke her jaw in a few places destroyed her right elbow , and Fucked up her head , she wasn't right befor that and she is WAY not right .

The only way I would put my lights out is if I had an incurable cancer or some such , being eaten away from the inside .

Then the question comes up ,

If you did HOW WOULD YOU DO IT ,
Quick and messy or slow and clean ???


Sorry for the long post , just had LOTS of esperence with this subject .

That's what this thread is for...speaking the unspeakable, embracing the unembracable, thinking the unthinkable. If you want to clean the outhouse, the first step should be getting rid of the shit.

Me, I'm a pussy. I'd go for the "big handful of downers and a bottle of vodka" escape route if I ever took it.

How about 75 feet of stout piano wire ,
90 ft of stout rope ,
A tube or 2 of super glue ,

Find a tall building ( 100 ft ) , go to the top tie off the rope and the piano wire ,
tie the rope to your legs ,
put the looped piano wire over your head ,
Super glue your hands to your face ,
jump off the building
the piano wire comes tight , "Snick!! " no head
thenthe rope comes tight "Yoink !!!"

And you are left hanging by your feet , holding your head !!

Quick and sure , different , hell you would probley make the evening news !!!

That's awesome. If I ever do it, I'm stealing your method.

Just something I read onthe net some where that I thought was unique

Headbutt the sidewalk, no contest.

i don't know, zip....the snap of the rope might just rip the head loose from the grip of the super glue. heads are heavy. I wonder how long a head would remain aware after decapitation like that. would you know it if your head came loose?

LJ , would it matter ??

I've been thinking about getting close to edge many times over the last 30 years, since teens. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. It's the reason I chose to go on medication. I could deal with most of the other symptoms, but this one is dangerous. I never cut myself, but have harmed myself with life choices, just the same. Being overweight and having an unhealthy lifestyle is just really slow suicide, if you think about it. And I know that's part of my problem. I consciously think "fuck them, I'll show 'em, I'll eat a dozen doughnuts and drink half a case of beer". I've fantasized about suicide, and thought that my family needs me, and I'd like to see my kids grow up, and how a suicide would mentally fuck them up, and that has always stopped my from getting too close to the edge. The worst is when I think that they don't really need me, and don't care if I see them grow up. That's when I came up with the idea of the "car accident". As I was driving on the highway, I thought how easy and quick it would be to veer in front of a Semi. My family would be taken care of by insurance, and they wouldn't be effected mentally, because their father didn't "commit suicide", he died in a "car accident".

I'm not that great. A few years ago a PA o'd me. I went two weeks with no sleep (well, about two or three hours) while slowing being given larger and large doses of morphine.
I don't remember the last week and a half.
I tried at the end. I have a gun but tried to hang myself. Told them I deserved to suffer. I have a good idea why... my family goes through a lot.
I was released after the pump was removed and I got 48 hours of sleep. The first suicide attempt to be released in Polk County before the 72 hour watch time, ever. I had no intention of suing.
I know how close to the edge I am.
I was seconds from it, I was going to do it, there was no hesitation they told me.
It is a weekly struggle.
I am convicted and my reasons are in me and true... however, it is not easy. The pain never goes away, never lets up, never gives me a break and each day it is worse. That is what I have to look forward to, worse, always worse. Sometimes it seems like all I am holding on with are my fingernails and all I get is worse... I am no one's fucking hero.
I just keep thinking, what if my son thinks that I did not love him enough to stay with him? That can never be the truth, nothing will hurt that much. This will kill me soon enough anyway.

You'll forgive me, I hope, if I persist in admiring your strength, perseverence, and love of your family.

I'm sorry if that seemed directed toward any of you, it was not.
It has been a difficult few weeks.
You are very kind and I truly appreciate it. I am one of the luckiest people I know and do not deserve the blessings I have in this life... I do try to, I do, this is part of it. How hard it is for me makes me feel like I do not deserve them all the more.
Another aspect of this is that part of me feels that it is a kind of slow torture, their watching me die like this... as sick voice in the back tells me that it would be a mercy to end it for them as well.

No way. You are a lucid, caring, vital individual, suffering something that must be nearly unthinkable to the rest of us, yet you still make your family the first and foremost concern in your mind.

There's perfectly healthy swinging dicks walking around every day who can't muster up so much as a spare thought for anyone besides themselves. Now you tell me, how's a family going to want to do without a man like you in the name of convenience and denial?

I seriously doubt whether or not you married a woman who is capable of thinking that way, nor raised a son who wishes daddy would just go away...under any circumstances.