Home from work, doing so much better today. Because of you guys. Honestly. :blush: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Last night was my collapse, my stream-of-consciousness ohmygod that you all fielded. And sent me back sensible, caring, practical advice and good thoughts.

I've read my references, I know the worst case scenario and I have at least some idea of how I'll approach things if it turns out to be that. If it's not, that's cake. If it's totally benign, I'll buy all you guys a virtual drink (sorry, wish it could be real) and send in a big tip to the tip mug. :) (Actually, I'll do that anyway! But if I could buy you guys a drink, I would ...)

In the meantime I have horses to ride and cows to herd ... packing up my stuff and I'm going to enjoy every minute of this weekend, from the airport (maybe have a drink on the plane, just for the hell of it) to the campground and back. I'm going to enjoy every minute with my daughter, who is THE BEST, most amazing young woman I've ever met. And then we'll see. If it's bad, I think I'll go see what the night sky looks like from the bottom of the Grand Canyon, or go to Maine, or ... somewhere cool ... before things begin. And I'll beat the f*cker. Because I did NOT come this far to lie down and be beaten at this point.

(Note to BigV: thanks for your note about karma. Imagine if I'd found this a few weeks ago, before my divorce was final, before I'd moved out? Talk about being roped back in! At least I can now deal with this on MY terms. So yes, maybe this isn't bad karma after all.)

Oh yes ... I'll do my best to get some decent pics of the weekend and post them. Hopefully they'll be good for a laugh!!

You're welcome. :)

Have fun and be safe. Pics or it didn't happen.

...or...what happens on horseback stays on horseback!

sometimes what happens on horseback echoes through the canyons too.

It all depends on how hard you hit the ground! In that case, what happens may stay in the canyons ... !

(Unless it's particularly funny, in which case I'll swallow my pride and post it anyway)

Yes, pics please. At every stage and of everything.

So the weekend was great. GREAT! The accommodations were a little more rustic than I expected - the shower was 'broken', no running water, tent in the backcountry. That was cool, I just thought there'd be a bit more 'campsite' to it. The staff asked right away if we had food in our luggage because, if so, please keep it in the car. The place is full of ... bears. Bears, omg! (I've had a phobia of bears for years.)

Now, why I didn't clue in to the fact that in the Colorado backcountry there might be bears, especially in a place called Bear Basin Ranch, I do not know. D-uhhhhh. My daughter laughed her head off, because apparently while I was standing there thinking: no problem, the bears won't come, and if they do I'll kill them before they get near my daughter! - my face looked like I was screaming inside. Gotta work on that!

Anyway - I'll post pics, if I can figure out how, when I get home tonight. Proof! I have herded and 'cut' cattle on horseback. Hooray!

A little less 'hooray' is how things went with my tests yesterday. That big bus I felt coming last week? It gave me a pretty good hit. I do not have a cyst. I have a solid, irregular mass with microcalcifications, which is mammogram-speak for cancer. The ultrasound was no better. They took an U/S-guided biopsy immediately and are expediting the pathology so I can see the surgeon Friday and hopefully the oncologist Monday. They're pretty efficient; the nurse hinted that I might get my surgery next Thursday. All pending the path report, but no one seemed to doubt what was going on.

So ... damn.

I did buy a baseball cap with a grizzly on it, at the ranch. A sort of 'face your fears' thing; rather than wear a cap with nice horses on it, I thought I'd wear the thing I was afraid of. So maybe I'll just wear this cap if/when I'm having chemo.

I'm sorry, Orthodoc. That's really bad news. But good job keeping your focus on what has to be done. You're going to take care of it and come out the other side a stronger woman.

You can do this.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

If this thing was outside your body, you could squish it under your heel.

Wish it were; wish I could. Guess I have to use more subtle means to destroy it. Although the first moment the surgeon says she can yank that sucker, I'm there! On that table! Get the damned thing out ...

They'll take it out. You'll have chemo, then you'll be better. Just go through the process..as shitty as it is.

eta: Re reading that I come off a bit blasé, but I didn't mean to. At times of high stress I just find that focussing on the mechanics stops my mind from wandering into areas it's better off not contemplating.

No problem. I'm focusing mostly on mechanics at the moment, myself.

Official call with the path result came this morning: it's cancer. Stage 1 clinically so far, which is good. Grade 3 histology, which is bad. I won't get away without chemo and the survival rate is lower. I hope, hope, hope this is not triple-negative (which would be added bad on top).

At least now I know for sure and I can make a plan and get ready. They should have the rest of the results (receptor status etc.) by my appointments Monday morning, or at least sometime early next week. I'll find out when my surgery will be - hopefully asap. With that histology I want this f*cker out.

Time to practice meditation, drink green tea, eat very healthy foods ... and stop shaking.