Well the 'product of his ejaculation' produces exemplary prose. Use the experience for a novel or film script. You're not wrong, but if you find him be willing to understand, not angry, so he doesn't get scared and immediately put up barriers. Hope you find what you're looking for E.

Elspode, you are a fantastic writer.

My extended family has several similar examples of human detritus, and with very few exceptions, all attempts at contacting them proved depressing, disappointing, and fruitless. On the other hand, the hurt 6-year-old in you needs to bawl him out for being such a shitty dad and destroying your faith in him. I don't know if you'll feel any better if you do it, though.

Scenario 2 - You might exorcise some demons by responding to him with love that you don't actually feel. Just kind of be there for him in whatever time he's got left, if he'll allow it. He already knows he's worthless, calling him on it might just make him defensive and you feel worse. Prove you're better by being the family man he never was.

Scenario 3 - Put the pain in the back of your consciousness and try to forget he ever existed.

I can't even imagine trying to make that choice. Whatever you decide, I hope you get peace from it.

We found one of my great-uncles had died in a refrigerator box under a railway bridge, having been knocked in the head by another bum for whatever the hell he was carrying in his pocket - we really didn't want to know. This same guy had done a brief tour with a local "donkey show" (again, you don't want to know), tried to kill my grandpa with a knife when he wouldn't buy him booze, and generally exhibited himself with restraint and civility :P He's buried in the same row as the rest of his family, but every time we go to the churchyard, about twice a year, we find his grave has sunk about 8 inches. Only his, and every single time. We've probably used 30 yards of dirt filling it in over the years. I'm scared to step on it, for fear I'll break through and fall straight into hell. No matter how much people tried, he just wouldn't accept help or love.


I'll be thinking about this stuff all day....again, great writing (for all the cold comfort that is).

Sometimes, when left to my own devices, and with a little lubrication of the neurons, these things sort of leap out and smack me in the face. I suppose it is a sign that I don't actually *cope* well with such matters, but it is definite proof that I *suppress* it well on most days.

As with everything, I just toss it all into a pot full of big words and stir until something flows out. At least when I'm feeling sorry for myself, I have a good place and good people to share it with.

As always, I appreciate each and every one of you, and the input and critiques you offer, both of my reality and my written expressions thereof.

hey Els - i'm a little late coming to this one... you're writing impresses me and lifts me up, even when you are writing about something as dark as this part of your past. you have true talent that puts most extensively published writers to shame.

i have no advice for you other than what has already been written. i wish you well in this quest and hope you find what you are looking for.

and, as always, thanks for sharing.

Like lookout I have nothing to add to what's been said. I read your post soon after you put it up and didn't know what to say apart from a whole raft of platitudes and cliches.

I, too, really hope that you get what *you* need from looking at these questions more closely. Hugs from across the water.

i'll just let limey hug you. i don't hug big hairy guys (it tickles) uh, nevermind.

i wish you the best on this, whether it's simply by feeling better having written all this out and sharing with with us (which I truly do appreciate. . . as others have said, you are an incredible writer) - or succeeding in finding him and closing those chapters of your life with a firm snap.

Myself, I don't truly understand the need for it and I don't think I really can. I've leant toward leaving the sleeping dogs lie and such, and simply moving on. But, then again - that may be seen as a flaw in itself. Good luck.

anyway, good luck. I'm sorry things went like that. what you chose to do is what you chose to do. you are an adult and a seemingly fairly coherant one. I just wish you good luck on this quest.

El, if you have to, print out what you wrote to start this, and burn it on the equinox to release it, and to find balance.

I am not placing judgement AT ALL - but are you looking for some sort of validation from him? You know something like 'your right son, you are a better person than me...' If so it doesn't sound like he is capable of really giving a damn. And if he is would that really be something that would make you feel better...?

I wish you well and hope you are able to resolve this.

You know...that is a *damn* fine idea, Wolf.

This is the perfect example of being too close to one's own inner problems to see the obvious (and Pagan!) solution.

Thanks!

cjj - I hadn't thought far enough to know what or *if* I want anything from the man at all. Mostly, I think I'm just bitter because he took it on the lam, never having any responsibility for what he'd wrought. He never paid a dime of child support, and only showed up over the years when he could make an entrance, a splash. We were pretty damn poor, he was pretty damn well-off most of his adult life (well, not now, but most of it).

I guess it just chaps my ass that he didn't have the fortitude to be less than 100% selfish with his life. My life is rife with things that, given a reasonable choice, I'd rather avoid and go off hiking or joining a rock band or something, but then I would be a person of very little substance. Then, one of my kids would eventually write something nasty about me.

Not the legacy I wish to leave. Not the way I wish to work out my karma.

I think it all really boils down to sour grapes in the end, doesn't it?

Aw you're just jealous because he's a christian. :lol:

I can answer your question quite simply , you care because you are a good person . WAY beter than he is !!!
Even though this ass hole wasn't there for you or any body else.

As to hunting said asshat down and shakeing your ass at him saying " Nanny Nanny boo boo , I 'm beter than you are !!!!" .
Splode , dude what would that acomplish ???
The only thing i can see would be makeing your self feel bad for saying that to another human being .
You are Beter than that :thumbsup:

I would suggest hunting him down ( if you want ) just to see if he is still alive , be civil , if he gets nasty just say " i was just trying to figuer out where to claim your body so i could have it cermated so i could shove your ashes up an elaphants ass , the biggest ass i can think of , where you belong !!!"

Some thing along those lines .

I was raised simalerly ( and NO I WON'T get in to that here ) . Strange when you look back( from where you are now ) and realize just how weird things REALY were ain't it ??? :eyebrow:
But it all seemed sorta normal at the time . didn't it ?? :eyebrow:

I have had a few times when i could have called a parent on their actions in the past , but again what would that have accomplished ?? Makeing a sick old person feel worse .

Just my 2 cents , for what its is worth . :3eye:

I agree Zippy. Els you are a MUCH better person than he could ever be .