Chuck Norris took a leak and sea level rose 3 foot.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to purchase air fresheners for his bathroom, because his shit does not stink.

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

Chuck Norris wanted to smoke Keith Richards, then decided it wouldn't give him a strong enough buzz.

Then did it anyway.

Chuck Norris wades through lava

Chuck Norris tried androgeny and the worlds population fell 37.4%.

Chuck Norris made a rock so big that he, himself, could not pick it up. Then he picked it up.

Chuck Norris fishes for Great White sharks by trolling with his penis.

The Unstoppable Force met the Immovable Object. Their spawn is Mr. Norris.

Chuck Norris always carries a large red flag just in case he runs into a bunch of communists so that he can rip it to shreds or a herd of bulls so that he can wave it in front of them.

Chuck Norris' fillings receive AM radio, FM radio, short wave, medium wave, all emergency frequencies, cell phones and every fast food drive-through transmitter within 100 miles; and when he opens his mouth widely, he receives and decodes all forms of satellite broadcast.

And I thought I was getting jaundice,

chuck norris makes one hell of a burrito.


i fail at humor.

Mo-fucking-hommad moved a mountain. Chuck Norris juggles seven mountains. With one hand. And takes a bite out of the same one, each time it comes around. With his eyes closed. While standing on Laura Bush's shoulders and playing Rainy Day Women 12 and 35 on the harmonica.

Chuck Norris can make a roundhouse kick around the moon.

Chuck Norris doesn't surf very often, because tsunamis are relatively rare.

chuck norris doesnt pee standing up.

im convinced.

if he did, he would bore a hole to china.

Chuck Norris does not eat nails for breakfast, because then he shits railroad spikes later in the day. This doesn't bother him but the noise when this occurs disturbs the neighbors.

Chuck Norris is the father of every Chinese person

Whenever he has a health problem, Chuck Norris performs his own surgery on himself.

Recently, he performed brain surgery on himself, but in the middle of it, he realized that he'd cut out the section that knew how to complete the operation. No problem, he simply re-wired other sections of his brain to take over for the missing sections, and thus he completed the procedure.

Chuck Norris kicks the shit out of people who end any sentence in anything other than "OF THE BEAST.":lol:

Chuck Norris had sex with a car shredder.

...and the shredding teeth on the machine had to be replaced immediately thereafter.

Their offspring was a Monster Truck.

...and Chuck Norris did not have to pay child support. Getting to have his Baby Monster Truck is a privilege.

...A monster truck that regularly wins Nascar and Formula one events.

Chuck Norris is the only known male giving birth to a child. It was called "Steven Siegall".

Chuck Norris wears a clown costume and doesn't scare kids.

I heard that if Chuck looked into a mirror, this is what would happened...

Chuck Norris is the only thing in the universe more real than his reflection in a mirror.

If Chuck Norris was a vampire he would be able to SEE his reflection in a mirror.

When Chuck is about to kill you, you can see your entire life reflected in his eyes. Then you're dead.

Chuck Norris casts vampires' reflections for them.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell " What the hell was that?"

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

We live in an ever expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can catch a fart and paint it green.

A criminal invaded my house. I don't own a gun, so I yelled "Chuck Norris" and the home invader ran away, crying like a little baby.

Chuck Norris can move faster than light. Albert Einstein tried to tell Chuck that this is impossible. We now know Albert Einstein as Stephen Hawking.

damn you wolf!

CHUCK NORRIS IS A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN?! oh for fuck's sake!

chuck norris is dead to me.

chuck norris can eat my asshole. with a spoon. slowly


interesting chuck norris fact: Chuck Norris wets the bed.

Chuck Norris believes that The Host is actually a Hostess Twinkie.

@ wolf; therefore, Chuck Norris has his own ministry so that God will have someplace to go to be inspired!

Oh, did I miss the fun? And here I had some fun things to say...

Well, I will post them anyway I suppose.
When I told my SO about this thread, the first thing he said was "Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a building. It exploded. No one building can hold that much awesomeness."

And here is my contribution: The Ultimate Showdown


Edit: Oops, I thought Chuck Norris won in that song. never mind.

Chuck INVENTED Mr. T

then kicked his ass and gave him a mohawk.

Chuck Norris is the only food not improved by adding Bacon

Chuck Norris IS Bacon

If Chuck Norris Kicks your ass in the Forest, and no one is there to hear it..... IT STILL MAKES A SOUND

How do you keep Chuck Norris busy whole day?
You put him in a round room and tell him to find a corner.

What does he come back and tell you?
He tells you that he found a corner!

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity......twice!

Following a nuclear war, only two things will survive...cockroaches and Chuck Norris. If, that is, Chuck allows the roaches to live.

The world won't end in 2012...it will end when Chuck Norris SAYS it will end.

Chuck Norris was here BEFORE the Big Bang.

Once God decided to kill Chuck Norris. He failed........................miserably.