Don't be, your thread you can say anything you damn well please.

It wasn't a lie . For several reasons. And certainly not as much as when you shook hands and they said "how are you?" and you didn't say "fucking shit actually"

It’s not a lie. I have two brothers. One killed himself, but that doesn’t stop him from being my brother. I always say I have two brothers.


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Was she depressed?

I have a friend whose baby died a few hours after birth. (It was fully expected, but the deformity was discovered too late to terminate in her state, so she had to finish the pregnancy.) This was 11 years ago, but she still always says she has 4 kids, not 3.

But also and entirely separately, lie your face off anytime you damn well please. They're strangers and you don't owe them anything.

Not outwardly. Not at all. I hadn't seen her since Christmas before last Sunday. I was more concerned about the boy. Man. He dropped out of Widener and was in a funk. No one.. No. One. Saw this coming.

She had been visiting a forum that discussed how to do this. I can't bring myself to look at it. Don't remember the name of it. But my sister went through it. She had never posted. Another girl did the same exact thing the same day.

https://www.ydr.com/story/news/2019/...so/1268146001/

They didn't know each other as far as I know. But the recipe is there. How much to drink, what to do in the days leading up. When to tell someone to call an ambulance so you don't actually die in the home, but too late to save you. To go and have good visits with those you love. Sick sick sick.

I wish to hell I had any clue of what was so bad about her life. But I never will.

I doubt there was anything objectively bad about her life Jim.

Look, I may be speaking out of turn here, and I don't know what was going on in someone else's head, but I can speak to a mindset that almost led me to a similar place when I was 16 or 17. The thing that tipped me was not that life was so terrible - it was a mindset. It was all the confusion and stuff people deal with when they're young, but for some reason, I just couldn't.

The world was different then though - there weren't any forums with expert advice on how to succeed, so I failed. It's only when you fail, that you can learn that wasn't really what you wanted.

Those forums are fucking poison. Every single one of them posting advice and expertise, holds a little piece of the blame for this. imo.

Jim. You're a good man.
Go through the process. Do you have a therapist? Please don't internalize this.

If there's anything I can possibly do from Oregon, I'm here for you.

I don't know if I've said this already, but I've had this kind of shock before, this loss. When Shelby asked me to move out. Not nearly as abrupt or painful, but kind of similar. I'll get through it. I'll lose a bunch of weight. I'll be sad unless I'm forcing myself to be happy... Until I'm happy again. I doubt I'll ever be pure happy again... There will always be this pain. But I'm ok. I'll see the sun rise again.

Thanks though.

[QUOTE=DanaC;1033195:

Those forums are fucking poison. Every single one of them posting advice and expertise, holds a little piece of the blame for this. /

Blame. Not sure how I feel about blame. I don't feel any. I am sure I did everything I could do with the cards I was dealt. I loved her and I treated her gently. Never raised my voice since she was 10. I don't blame Shelby. Not even a little.

Those people on that forum are accruing some scary karma, but I can't blame Them. They don't care about the people that use their sick fucking recipe. I'm going to hate that word from now on, by the way. Recipe.

Ripley had 18 years to learn to know better than to do that. I'm disappointed. I disagree with her decision. But I didn't get a vote. If anyone gets the blame, it's her. What the fuck do I know though. Who cares about blame? Doesn't change anything. It's just that there is information available for everything, and some things are really bad. She made the decision with a brain that I don't have, and therefore can't think with, so I'll never know the motive.

But even if I did. If I had a note she left with the reasons. ...

....


.

Do you have plans for a funeral/gathering of remembrance ...whatever word the kids are using these days?

That's been put on the back burner. Could be a couple weeks or more

Jim, I just got nothing. I'm so bereft for you. i want to... ... I don't know because there's nothing I can..... ......

I totally agree about blame ..even if you could figure out who or what to blame, it wouldn't help.

Right.

So it's Wednesday.

You're fortunate you know your job well enough to run on autopilot for a bit if you have to.
Your undercoating/Scotchguarding sales might slip a little but that's OK. :p:

Yeah, whatever. I won't get fired.

I've done it 21,000 times.

I'm sitting over here, not posting. Because what is there to say?

I think about you all often, and wish I could help make it better.

[quote=lumberjim;1033203][quote=DanaC;1033195:

Those forums are fucking poison. Every single one of them posting advice and expertise, holds a little piece of the blame for this. /

Blame. Not sure how I feel about blame. I don't feel any. I am sure I did everything I could do with the cards I was dealt. I loved her and I treated her gently. Never raised my voice since she was 10. I don't blame Shelby. Not even a little.

Those people on that forum are accruing some scary karma, but I can't blame Them. They don't care about the people that use their sick fucking recipe. I'm going to hate that word from now on, by the way. Recipe.

Ripley had 18 years to learn to know better than to do that. I'm disappointed. I disagree with her decision. But I didn't get a vote. If anyone gets the blame, it's her. What the fuck do I know though. Who cares about blame? Doesn't change anything. It's just that there is information available for everything, and some things are really bad. She made the decision with a brain that I don't have, and therefore can't think with, so I'll never know the motive.

But even if I did. If I had a note she left with the reasons. ...

....


.[/QUOTE]



[emoji175]


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thanks.


mornings are the hardest. such fukkitz, so very don't care. whatevs.


beautiful day. great.

Youre right about the blame. It's not helpful, really

spencer sent a copy of the note. it just says, "I'm sorry I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much"


on a postcard.

Oh Jim! How very sad! X


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My heart is breaking for you all. Again and again. <3

I would take some comfort knowing that she knew the pain she was causing, which means that she knew she was loved. And that she loved you.

It doesn't remotely explain why, but it's something.

I don't want to grasp for rationale. Or even comfort. It's been a week, and it's healing.

Seeing the note only gave me a visual of the scene. I feel so bad for my son who was there when she did it. Just the note gutted me.

But, my guts are all dry and frayed anyway, so.

I had posted the pic, but took it right down to spare y'all that reaction.

Getting through it.

"There" as in "in the house," right? I really hope he didn't (unknowingly) watch her ingest it... :(

hey Jim.

say what you like. tell them a lie, tell them the truth, shout "squirrel!". whatevz. Some people might welcome the truth and respond accordingly. I did, but I'm not a stranger.

My point is, help yourself. Take care of yourself. Let the reactions of other people belong to the other people.

Meanwhile, I'm here, we're here. For you.

No. He was down in his room in the basement. He came up when he heard yelling after Ripley told Shelby to call 911.

He also sent me a mock obituary she had done. Presumably for a college assignment. She was survived by her mother, her brother and her dog. Dated October 2028. Cause of death, falling into the grand canyon.

I must have been dead already by then.

This is eating my ass.

Or she just forgot me.

Jim.

Her mind was bent some way *already*. Look at the result.

Maybe you were forgotten and that's on her for forgetting. Maybe maybe maybe maybe..

My friend. Please. I'm not hugging you -- as you made clear.

However, please have a little mercy on yourself.

Other people's actions and reactions belong to the other people.

You're in charge of you.

I can't speak for her. I can't speak for you. I'll speak for myself, You. Are. Not. Forgotten.

Holy Fucking Shit, I assumed they just found her after the event

DO NOT let this eat your ass. If it's mock and/or a college assignment, it's fiction.

My best friend in high school told every foreign language examiner that her mother was a pilot and her father was dead. Neither were true, but she got shorter exams with fewer unprepped questions than everyone else....

Or she just expediently listed those living under the same roof/registered at the same address 'cause it was just a college assignment (presumably). :eyebrow:

Cope however you feel is right for you. Push us away if you need room or just tell us to shut up. But please please please, don't push Amanda away, trust me, this is important.

There's Lumberthing I don't want to tell you
 

This.
And Bruce is right, too. Cope in the way you need to, and rely on Amanda.
What you describe is unimaginable.



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Help your peace of mind by keeping an open mind about whatever else comes to light, that Ripley has done, since Ripley can no longer explain them.

You can remind yourself to do this by remembering that you put your own daughter's death announcement in a forum titled Nothingland: Something about nothing - ... time-wasters, for the whole internet connected world to see. Would it be fair for the world to judge how you felt about your daughter on nothing more than that?

It just added a layer of regret that I wasn't more involved in her daily. Spencer said she thought I'd be dead by then. Because I smoke and drink and don't eat healthy.

Tara texted to tell me that the cremation is compete. I went to reply and swype brought up the word, Ashley. Ash-ley. Ripley is ashes now.

Really gone.

Turns out, that is the crazy default human condition, which we all share:

We don't care for ourselves, and we don't take care of ourselves, even under penalty of shame, pain, and death. And nobody, it seems, can make us do that. Even our loved ones.

We don't believe we are valuable. The idea that Ripley is not valuable is a laughable idea. Her potential, unmistakable. But we all have a light that we can't see for ourselves. We are all beautiful and important, every one of us.

My friend decided not to treat her cancer, that was the same thing. She had such a bright light, but she couldn't see it. You and I treat ourselves poorly, that is the same goddamn thing.

Couple of months ago J had chest pains -- and fought tooth and nail going to the ER. I had to force her to go. Her family has a history of heart trouble.

Wise words.

I think we all have an inner light only we can see. Others can't see it, or more importantly see when it goes out.

RIP-ley, a little gentler.

Every song has a line that hurts me right now. Spencer made a playlist of songs they both like. She had relatively shit taste in music, thank fuck. Or a lot of my songs would be wrecked for me.



This one almost caught me at work tonight.





because of these lines.:

The lyric sites say, 'as an arrow blue and red'

But it's clearly, 'your eyes were narrow, blue and red'

Her eyes were brown. But her eyelids were blue and her eyes were bloodshot and slightly open. And half her left tit was exposed.

When I got to the hospital, Shelby was alone in the doorway. She said only, "she died"

My head swam. Felt like I was going to fall down.

I had to walk through the place with all eyes on me as I went around the desk area and to a blue curtain. There was a body on the table. Her hair.

I came into the room from behind her right shoulder. I don't remember how I got to the other side. Her head was tilted left, away from me. Did I walk around her feet or head? I put my hand on her brow. She was warm.

Then a small female doctor was at my left elbow. I was bewildered. She said, she drank a poison that bonds to red blood cells. No oxygen can attach.

She offered a chair. Maybe I swooned. I declined. Said something stupid about it just being another Thursday to them. It was Wednesday.

That's something that stuck with me from a TV show. Tuesday.

That line in that song.brought these images back.

Then Shelby came in. She pulled the blanket over her boob and layed across her. I didn't have any idea what to do. None. I couldn't hold either of them. Ripley was wearing the scarab earrings Amanda had just given her. Amanda was ghost white. We left Shelby with her and went to find Spencer. He was sitting on the curb outside. He said something disturbing like, she didn't change her mind. She never said she didn't want to die.

I haven't seen him since. Talk to him nearly every day, but he's fine. He is grieving alone.

When Shelby came back out, I tried to apologize for some stupid text about our cats. Then tried to offer help relocating. Ridiculous. Asshole.

She hitd her face and told me to shut up. So I hugged my boy and told him not to do this. Then I drove home. Hadn't shed a tear yet. Until I touched my doorknob. No. I touched the lavender Ripley had just planted
Then sobs and tripping feet took me to the kitchen sink. I cry ugly. Not good at it.


I'm writing this here so I can remember the surreal feeling. Don't know if I'm getting it. I'm feeling very sorry for myself. And guilty for that. I cried in the car on the way home listening to that song. And when Amanda greeted me she knew. And I fled to the bathroom and let some more snot bubbles out of my nose. Then I went up to my bed and laid down. Thought I had got my shit together, but when I came back down, the pain on her face chased me to the porch. Where the phone rang in my pocket at 10:45 that night.

There's nowhere to hide from it. Just have to keep going through it. I can tell myself lots of smart things. I'm very good at that. Bullshit talk.

My Forte.

I've been wondering how you are doing. Your description is very vivid and certainly catches the surreality, for me at least.
Don't beat yourself up about stuff.

Sent by magick

Exactly this.

Oh Jim - I can't even...

What Limes said, be as kind as you can to yourself, hon.

Seems like every other night I let it through my guard. Last night was longer but less intense sadness. Saturday night it hit me out of nowhere, I don't remember what triggered it, but I suddenly found myself welling up. Felt lost and helpless and not up to the task of grieving her.

It's a pill I have to swallow one jagged shard at a time. Seems like the pill is about the size of my house. But pointier.

I haven't had any dreams about her yet. Day 13.

She's the first person I really loved that has died. Not to say I didn't love Biff or my grandparents, but they were more like acquaintances to be honest. Only saw them once a year or less. This is my little girl. My Smoochie.

Ippy. My phone knows that word.

I'm considering getting a tattoo. She had this beetle on her shoulder.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...05f899a469.jpg

That or, "Goodnight, Smoochie". Or something. I saw where you can have ashes infused into tattoo ink. Creepy. I won't do that. Just something small where I can see it. I was hoping to find out who the artist that did her beetle was and go there.

The weather is so nice lately. Feeling at peace in this moment.. Sitting on my porch with coffee.

I'm sad she's missing this live air and bird song, but it doesn't lessen the beauty. Gentle breeze, flowers surrounding me. Clear cool air.

Future Jim, stay in the present. Quit fucking around with remorse. If you feed it, it will become stronger than you and eat your soul. Pull it back to the now. Use both hands.

See? Smart bullshit talk.

True, but I'm feeling like I need to feel this pain fully so I can start healing. This big chunk that's been bitten out of my life. It's raw and it saps my strength. But. In this moment, what is lacking? She wouldn't be sitting here with me anyway. I wouldn't have thought to reach out to her over just another pretty morning. Just normal life.

I think I'll get working on the present tense focus again. Maybe listen to that book again.

Love you all, and thank you for all the kind words. And sorry to bring this rain into your lives. It's a huge help to me to be able to cry and scream and blubber and wail and sob and reflect and regret and put these thoughts down to get them out of my head.

I found a MSWord Doc on my PC, I wrote at the end of a long day where I left Cape Cod, went to my mother's funeral, and came home. I remember how it helped to get my head straight after a jumble of thoughts on the 5 hour drive home after the funeral. Didn't change anything, just putting it down in writing forced me to sort it all out. Maybe because I'm a hunt and peck typer, writing things down I tend to filter out extraneous bullshit and get to the point sooner.

Jim, you're turning to your friends. And we're here for you. It's what friends do. Corny as that sounds, it works.

I find I am thinking about it regularly, and caring regularly.

It is a feeling of powerlessness, less than a tiny fraction of the size of your own feeling of powerlessness.

I'm sure. And thank you. And you

And you.

I did spend the remainder of the morning listening to mr Tolle. He has a new tome called Practicing the Power of Now. It's a more direct instruction on keeping your awareness in the moment. I had goose bumps several times as I visualized the techniques. The man is on point.

Big help. I'm actually in a good mood today. Holy shit.

Yeah. That's what we're here for. It's what we can do.

Every man is embarrassed by his crying, because it's not like the movies where the man, lit by the sunset or campfire, has a tear run down his cheek at a respectable rate. Not too fast like a girly man, but not too slow like an insensitive lout.
The movies will never show the blubbering, snot bubbles, trembling of real life.:headshake

I don't have anything good to add, except that I'm reading, and I'll keep reading whatever you write about her.

Though I think you already have, I advise finding a private place and cry unrestrainedly, without reserve.
Wail, scream, sob until your eyes blur and burn and your throat hurts.
An hour, two or more is not too long.
And again and again is not too many.
It has helped me in such times.

Yeah. Me too.

I wrote a little thing so I'd be ready when people decide they want a service for her. Spencer says he would not attend, doesn't need it. From what I'm hearing, Shelby is ambivalent and is deferring to his choice. Her sister deferring to her, etc. So if there is to be a service, I may have to instigate it.

And I'm torn. I had been feeling like I was waiting for some kind of closure, so I could move on. But since I've been re learning to take shelter in the present moment, that feeling has dissolved.

I know my family is expecting some kind of thing... And there is a picnic planned at the end of this month. So, I'm feeling like if we haven't done it by then, that could turn into it. And I really don't want to ruin that event.

I just don't want to push her mother and my son.

I guess it's not that big a deal.

A commemorative event can be held at any time.
For my brother we had a humanist service, where friends and relatives spoke, at the time of his cremation. And then quite a while later we scattered his ashes in his favourite place and that too, involved friends and relatives, and had a very different vibe to it.
I do understand you not wanting to push Shelby or Spencer, but you must look after yourself and what you need, too.

I'm content as is. I'm looking forward to having Spencer over Saturday night. I'll let him talk about it if he wants, but won't ask questions or try to pry into his head. He's super stubborn. Usually goes contrary to what i advise. kids.