Freaks.

OK. So, I think Razz's bruises are from a bar fight with a 3ft midget wielding nothing but a very stale loaf of bread and a non-lethal cat-o-three-tails.

Why three? Is there numerological significance?

Nope. I had not noticed I used the number three twice in one sentence (the numbers in this one were on purpose).

LOL I was going to tell after the next guess...but now you're all amusing me with responses...guess I'll have to keep it a secret a little longer :D

I think lumberjim's face qualifies as a bruise on the ass of good taste.

HOW'D YOU LIKE A NICE BRUISE ON YOUR BEANBAG?!!

I'll rochambeaux you.

I was once standing by a hydraulic press that broke and was hit in the face by a solid bar of steel - right across the nose and cheek. As far as I remember, that's the only bruise I've ever had. Sorry, but I didn't get any pictures. I didn't consider the possibility that it was an art form.

That's what ya get for pissin' off a hydraulic press.

I've got a pic of a real bad one from my angeo somewhere.

My Dad showed my brother a picture of the bruise on my foot last night. IN CHURCH!

We were there for my niece's confirmation, so Dad had his camera of course. Before the service started he was checking it was all set up (there was a photo op at the altar to stop people taking pics during the service) and he came across it. He was so pleased with himself that neither my brother nor I reminded him that bro had seen the real thing when I was here last weekend.

1. Attacked by vicious three toed sloth with a penchant for headbutting, said sloth being offended by your apparent lack of belly button. (Where is it, btw?)

2. Playing ultimate frisbee on a mostly-grass field with a few bits of gravel ... dived for the disk, landed awkwardly on the disk leading to stomach bruising, scratches caused by gravel (see, personal experience).

3. Tragic and gruesome photoshop accident.

4. Oversized dog with amorous intent.

5. A small, one-man fighter penetrated the outer defenses, evaded the batteries, flew along this trench here (use your imagination, kiddies) and released proton torpedoes, striking this cooling duct (which explains why she has no navel).

6. Self inflicted for fashion reasons. Goddamn emo kids these days.

Seriously, though: there are sets of vertical scratches and horizontal scratches, so not caused by the same motion of impact. There is one serious bruise and a few lesser bruises. My best guess is you were at a party, had a drink, high-heel gave way and toppled you into a rather spiky shrub. Various scratches from twiggy branches, big bruise from the main impact on the trunk ...
Probably wrong though. How about I come around and kiss them better for you. Wait, you are expired jailbait aren't you?

They aren't scratches.

What, then?
Pinches? Welts (a la cat-o-three tails)? Love bites from a duck? What?

Ahem, stretch marks.

I didn't want to say that.

Apparently I did these (see n00bs thread in cellar meta), I'm sorry Razz. :(