Ali's post brought back such memories.
When my grandfather died, my Mom went back to the home town for the funeral.
She and her brother got into a squabble over a stick of gum she found in her Dad's coat pocket.
Gum was a thing with him, a constant chewer.
Anyhow, that squabble led to a life-time fight that they never resolved.

I still don't know which one I thought was the thickheaded.

My sister is a stranger to me, to be honest.
My most frequent dreams involve conflict with my Mum and my sister, sometimes ending in violence (against Laura, never against Mum!)
Except when I wake up I realise I was the one in the wrong...

But hey - I love my brother and we can talk and do things together.

I just wish he'd had children rather than my sister.
I have a niece and nephew I have no real love for.
They're good kids, but we live in the same town and I see them two or three times a year. Mum sees them more, but as she says, Nanny and Grandad saw us more often and they lived in London.

And no, you do not just drop by my sister's house.
She or her husband will stand at the door and make it clear you are not welcome.
Although she uses her own key to drop in on us on the few occasions she wants to...

And good luck getting an "appointment".
Although in this, Laura is the same as Mum.
She thinks she had an open house when we were growing up.
Oh nonononono...

I've grown up the same - VERY private.
Well, a lot of that has been about mental health issues.
When things were bad my house looked like the Council Tip.
Dana knows.

Anyway.
Things are calm here now.
Notice posted in local paper (£100! blimey), flowers ordered, funeral date set 14/11/11.
I'll do whatever I can to make Mum's day the best it can possibly be.
She'll spit fury at Dad at some point. I will ignore it (as will he).
I will be practical and sensible and have a stiff upper lip.
I will make sandwiches and cook chipolatas and pizza slices and all that.

I'll have Steven beside me.

And an international Dwellar brigade standing invisible at your shoulder.

Tense and emotional times rarely harmonise a family. You're doing great. And it doesn't not show you at your best either y'know. What counts isn't what swims through your mind, it's what gets said and acted upon.

^^ WSS ^^

:thumbsup:

I love this.

I love that, too. Kisses, Sundae.


Had a lovely day with my sister - driving home thru the pretty countryside, 66 degrees and sunny with lovely trees, etc. Thirty seconds from my front door I got a speeding ticket.

105.00 dollars.

Sheesh.

if only you'd been going a little faster you've been home free!

:)

I keep telling myself it could be so much worse.

I could get caught for what I REALLY do instead of just speeding.

;)

so you *are* home free!

I'm feeling better about it already!

:driving: <<< me

:cop: <<< cop

I hate my job and I hate my life and I want to give up. I don't want to die. I just want to give up.

It's the same every day. Run with the rats, get off the treadmill, sleep. Be a smiling obedient rat, lest you get wished into the cornfield.

Who has time for instability? If you fall off the line, it takes hours to get back on it. Hours of despair and rage. For what? For fucking what?

I want to give up. Chuck it all and go on crazy pay. Become the less than good human I feel pegged as. Why not? Why not? Oh, it would disappoint 'everyone else' and God forbid I do that. I wasn't taught to deal with looking out for #1.

I'm just # 434325234343453878973647634, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Thank you for listening.

It helps to have something to look forward to. You should should start planning a vacation. Doesn't have to be big and expensive. It also helps to have small fun things every once in a while. Plan a weekend activity out of the routine a couple weeks from now. Or take an adult ed class, like pottery or something new. You just need to shake things up a little bit. You don't need to quit everything.

Anon, when I had my final big crazy episode it felt like I fell off the edge of the world.
Oh, and the one before that.
Oh yes, and the one where I quit my full time job.

Okay, so I have had a series of adventures which start with me giving up.
Quitting my job in Leicester. Shock horror, lack of security and stability.
Moving to London - somewhere I swore I would never live again.
Being chucked out of the house - technically homeless.
Losing my full time job - have to move home with the parents!
Blagging things for a couple of months then having such a meltdown I had to attend a mental health unit every day...

There's always one step further to go.
And oddly, when things get that bad you are glad to take it.

You might find you get to the point when you have to surrender.
Thing is, people offer help then.
People who are barely balancing are rarely assisted, because the plates are still turning, so it can't be that bad, right? Wrong.

Only you know how much you can take.
I hope this is something that will pass.
It sounds devastating for the moment though.
Hold onto the thought you are valued and loved somewhere, by someone.

Anonymous - hang in there, child.

Today is weary and grim and rather blue (or maybe raw umber?) a real, live November day. Today feels like too much for me, too, to handle. Really. I came here to start a bitch session and saw your post and I know that someone else out there feels the way I do. I'm not alone. YOU'RE not alone. I'm here and I feel your weary, grim blueness.

Sometimes I make little bets with myself to get thru the day: Get out of bed and that's all you need to do. Then a little later, take a shower and then that's all you need to to...and so on. It's tedious and childish but sometimes that is what gets me thru the day.

Hugs to you. and a flower, too. :flower:

PS - the work place is a shark tank. Get out if you can.

I understand anon. Except now I have no job and feel even worse about myself.