Thanks for your thoughts and good advice. I was able to see my lawyer yesterday and his take was: it's a good settlement - far better than the last offer stbx made, and essentially fair to me. It doesn't give me anything I'm not actually entitled to and able to get with the help of a good lawyer, but it doesn't shaft me either.

He said, 'Could you get MORE? Yes. Should you go after it? Only you can answer that.'

My take was, I'm not looking for the last dollar and I'm not looking to destroy stbx's reputation here such that he has to leave this town and never be spoken to again by anyone who knows him. I'm not looking to spend the next three years of my life fighting unless it's necessary. I've been a hostage to this relationship for many years; I'd like to start my training program and my new life now - not fill my entire residency with hearings and rancorous back-and-forth and possibly creating enough rage in stbx that I'd end up in physical danger. Or have him hurt himself and live out that fallout with my kids and in this small community. My big question to the lawyer: is there something hidden or not included here that will hurt me? He says no.

I know there aren't hidden assets; I've done the finances long enough and seen the actual financial statements, met with the accountant, etc. He's a partner in a business that's a service corp, no assets, they drain the accounts every month. There's no business value. I have the keys to all the safety deposit boxes, but most importantly, I know all his sources of income and see it all in our accounts.

I will have this agreement put in proper legal terms and entered into the record as a court order so that it's contempt of court if he reneges. Stbx has agreed to that (he wants it now, because then he can write off the alimony he's proposed to pay while I'm in training).

I have no illusions about why stbx is doing this; it's for his benefit, as always. His top priority right now is keeping me somewhat civil, trying to make it possible to stay in touch. After I left last week, he put this out there to try to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not deluding myself that he's suddenly become a nice guy. But walking away without three years of fighting, being free in early July, is worth a lot. So I'm still mulling it over, but if it can work, I'll take this, I think. If he reneges or plays games before the next two weeks are done, I'll just take the other road with my lawyer and so be it. But long-term anger and fighting are draining. I'd rather conserve my energy and get on with my life.

Eek! Didn't mean to write an essay. Bottom line, I think I'll give it a try and carry a big stick. And still walk very softly for the next two days ...

It's a good essay. Good luck.

good luck!

10 years ago my wife left me right after the adoption of our son was finalized. we split albeit not too amicably. heck, when she moved out she got a hernia and i was thrilled. "serves you right" i thought at the time. then she got it fixed. by my father. kinda made me take a step back and re-assess the situation.

at the time that she moved out, i still got to see my then 18 month old son almost every day. i paid my child support on time, and still do to this day.

point here is: I did get over it eventually. was i a loon then? no, just crushed that it didn't work out i guess. today though, she is a great mother to my child, we get along just fine and as well as things are, all around it's not that bad. could be worse.

hope that little trip down memory lane helped.

Thanks. I hope things can stay civil. Although he keeps moving the goal line. :mad2: He wants changes already, and he doesn't want a clause that says the settlement is dead if he backs out. That clause has to stay ... otherwise there'd be no alimony and my income would be pooled with his for the next two years while he refuses to sign. I'll hang onto that big stick.

do it. i consider myself very lucky in the relationship that i have with my ex wife. you haven't posted much, maybe lurked a lot, i dunno. point is, yes, this is an incredibly difficult time for you. trust me on this one though, it could be worse. in other ways you could even possibly imagine. and i mean outside of what you're going through now. i thought my divorce was the worst time of my life. i was wrong.

you've got him to a point to where he feels threatened. aka the clause that says the settlement is dead if he backs out. that's a control issue. this isn't 50 shades of grey. this is a divorce. i agree with you that the clause has to stay.

let me rephrase that. it MUST stay. i believed my ex when she said that a given court was on yada yada date and that it was only preliminary and i didn't need to show up. so i didn't. guess what. i was divorced that day and didn't even know it. i got duped.

that was then, this is now. hindsight 20/20 yeah, if i'd of had a lawyer then things would be different. BUT, point here is this, get through the divorce and don't let him control you. even while you're still there, if he tries to talk to you about negotiations then put a stop to it right there. tell him to talk to his lawyer so that his lawyer can talk to yours. difficult as it may seem, it's what really needs to happen. so so sorry you're having to go through this.

H.U.G.E row with Mum this morning.
Lasted until I was going to be late for work so Dad had to give me a lift in. He was a bit befuddled, but given I was crying hard and it was Mum who asked him he acquiesed.

I blurted out that she was such a negative person and she told me it was because I'd failed at everything I said I was going to do. She said that after her lumpectomy I was so helpful, but I'd just sat on my lazy fat arse ever since (this is partly true, but she just took back control over everything and never said a word about wanting help).

She said she didn't want me living here, but what could she do? But if I managed to keep a friend for more than a year perhaps it might be easier for her and Dad to live the life they deserved, rather than having me there all the time. This stung (particularly) as I have retreated into ultra-hermit mode to stay out of their way. I never cook for them any more (which I miss) do not eat any meal with them, watch no TV with them. But my presence in my bedroom is ruining her life.

I said we all needed to talk more, raising the times she has stormed out of the house - especially the time she ruined Christmas for all of us - and come back and not said a word to me. Literally. I've crept back into her good graces without ever really knowing why.

She pointed out I am not even able to keep my bedroom in the state she would like it so how could she ask me to clean anything else, and that I did nothing to help in the garden (both are true).

Unresolved.
I came home after a day spent on the edge of tears and have retreated up here.
I've been so upset all day I've been retching. If I told Mum that she's say I was showing off. But no-one knew because I "coughed" into a tissue. And in fact I told no-one except Mrs J who packed me off to the staffroom for a cup of tea to compose myself when I arrived.

I'm not asking for a solution. Nor for sympathy. Just saying how today was and why I am upset.
I might look up family counselling. This is not all on my Mum's side, I have to bear responsibility too. It's just that I am slightly less agressive and slightly less defensive. And yes of course I am aware that this is her house and she is doing me a HUGE favour. I just wish we could talk more rather than her game of What Can I Say To Hurt You Today?

so messed up.

I'm sorry Sundae. I wasn't there, don't know all sides, you're my friend and she's not, yada yada yada. Whatever. It sucks to hear grownups being mean like uncivilized children. Saying and doing things just for the hurtful effect. Tha's fucked up.

Mean people suck.

*hugs*

Sorry, Sundae. :( Hope you feel better soon.

So sorry to see this, Sundae! X


Sent by thought transference

I hope things are going better, Sundae.

Control is, and has been, the issue forever. But ... I'm out! As of yesterday. Physically out, in another state, on my own. It feels a bit like coming to the surface after being submerged in water for a long time. A bit of a shock, but wow, that first deep breath feels good.

I know things still have to be finalized and I have a lot to rebuild. Things won't be all roses. But ... wow.

Holy shit! Fuckin' 'A' ortho. How proud of yourself do you feel right now, on a scale of one to ten? I hope it's eleven.

What Dana said!