I'm so sorry for Jaydaan, DanaC and IM for all their troubles....and everyone's really.

Ever hear of the Pleasure Principle? It's when we get to die and NONE of this shit happens.

Personally, I can't wait. Cure me or kill me; I don't care which one but do it.

Binged. five days. scrounged some valiums to bring me down a bit softer. I hate; no, I LOATHE myself. I've done everything they tell me to do. I fail, I fail, I fail.

In light of what you all are going thru this is nada. but I want to be well or die. I'm sick of this POS existence, this loneliness that never ends (some days I'm okay with it but not when I'm coming down all by myself and NOT ONE AA PERSON CALLED TO SEE IF I WAS ALIVE. And I go to meetings, I go; I go. I read the big book, call my sponsor, do CBT, take meds and pray.

NOTHING WORKS.
Oh, I know. I'm not 'working the program'. if I WAS I'd be FINE.

if you had a progressive, chronic and terminal disease and they told you the cure was to drink coffee and talk about your problems-----what would you think? Voodoo? A joke? I'm sick; not bad. I have to keep reminding myself that.

and I'm very very lonely. I even miss my ex. I wish I had the guts to just DIE but it seems I've the constitution of a Cossack.

I hate hate hate myself.

Trilby ... you're right, this is an illness. Don't hate yourself. Sounds like you're not getting the support you need with your local AA. Are there any outpatient or inpatient programs you could get access to? Get a fresh perspective, some new support people, some new people to interact with in general?

PM me anytime. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Trilby, honey, don't do this to yourself. I wish i could help. I think one of my best friends feels the way you do and my heart aches for your pain.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Sometimes the days consist of just getting through the days, you know?

Ach damn. Hugs all round. Infi, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Must have been such a shock. Tril, honey, I can't say I know where you're at, but I can say I'm with you in spirit. It is an illness, you are not 'bad'. In fact you're cool as fuck, and one of the reasons I love the Cellar. I just wish I was over there so we could hang out for real.

IM, I'm sorry for your loss. That's so random.

Tribly try to forgive yourself. You're your own harshest critic.

Infinity: I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

Triby: I'm so sorry you're hurting. :( I'm really bad with words and they come out wrong all the time, so I won't say much. Please just know that I wholeheartedly mean this with the best intentions. I hope you feel better soon.

Trilby, I think Ortho is right. Can you try to access some more supportive support? Meanwhile please don't beat yourself up, and know that we at teh Cellar are here for you. Sending you love and hugs x


Sent by thought transference

I feel like Lola, I care about you and I'm sad that you're hurting. I try to think of what I can say, and I come up empty. I'm not going to make suggestions or tell you what you've already heard.

Fuck that, I'll make just one suggestion... if something isn't working try something else! You know that life can feel like a marvelous gift when you hit the right feeling. All these depressants aren't going to do it, and the support you currently have isn't going to do it, but SOMETHING WILL GODDAMMIT.

IM so sorry {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}:sniff:
Trilby Love yourself the most. It is what's best.

A friend died Monday he was 44. This was someone we saw or talked to once or twice a week.
I can't help but think that if his Mother, his only real family {has a daughter who is 7 but he was divorced} had done more he would have had a chance. I have thought about this all week. My husband and I had known him for 30+years and we tried to talk to him about his drinking. Talked to his mother. Talked to his ex wife before she was an ex. No matter how bad he was we always talked to him and tried to help him. Since we are not related we could only watch him deteriorate.

We never got an answer from his mother when we would ask her to have him committed even if he did not quit maybe 30 days forced sobriety may have given him a chance. His wife gave up on him and I don't blame her but her ultimatums certainly didn't work.

We always called holidays unless he called us first. Christmas our calls were not returned and NewYears passed and when we called still no answer. We had a feeling something was wrong. We called a friend who had info that he was in the hospital.

His mother called us about 3 hours after he had passed crying saying she had no idea anything was wrong. I listened to her and asked her if there was anything we could help her do, all the while I was thinking "what do you mean you didn't know anything was wrong? There was something wrong for years." I just feel that it was so sad that no one loved him enough to do something! Didn't he love his daughter enough or himself enough to live?
I guess he didn't

Love yourself most Trilby...You can be in control...The binge has stopped, one day at a time :hug:

Nirvana, thank you for that. It helped me in some ways, too. I can't give details but know that your post helped me.

:grouphug:

Bri I've just read your post.
Don't slice yourself up about it. It's a lapse. You do not do this all the time. You do not live on a constant bender. Of course the come-down, knowing you have had sobriety before, it going to be even more punishing.

Just remember drink-guilt is mostly chemical. Yes it hurts when you look back, but never as badly as the first couple of days.

Keep going baby. No surrender-monkeys in your house.
You have some people IRL that really love you and can offer real support, esp your Good Sister.

And there are plenty of people on here (and we are all real, just communicating by keyboard) who love you too. This is a mixed up, mother-fuck, shook-up world. Drinking hurts you and it hurts us because we worry about you. But I would suspect that most of the people on here do not judge you for it, any more than someone deciding against all medical advice to stop taking their meds.

One of the many things I value about you is your sheer fucking honesty. I've spoken to you loaded. You've come back here after benders. You've not claimed flu or being busy or a slip on the ice, which you could easily have done and been believed (this is not to say people suffering those ailments are dishonest!)

You are intelligent, turn an awesome phrase, write comedic anecdotes well, are true, wear your heart on your sleeve with all the pain that entails, let us into your life, still look amazing, and are a grumpy cynical crone. And a lush and a flirt and my favourite ever not-quite-lost cause (as long as I can be yours).



Sorry to all the others feeling pain and suffering.
I'm on the same road as Bri and drinking/ not-drinking is my current struggle.
Much love Infi and Nirv.

'thank you, Sundae' doesn't quite express how I feel about your post --- but thank you. You've been a rock of sense and friendship from the very beginning.

Perseverance is it's own reward, right? I don't want to die drunk. Not for me but for my boys. They don't deserve that.

*heart* you are a bestie in every way.

(PS to all the others suffering from non self-inflicted wounds---sundae is right when she says we are on the same road so I'm sorry if we seem self involved in this matter; cancer was easy compared to this thing I've got. anyway, I read all the posts here and wonder why I complain at all when others are going thru much tougher things and I feel for everyone who hurts, even dwellars I'm not close to....so know that I read your posts here and find gratitude and appreciate your sharing because we need to listen to each others' stories-----it helps me, anyway, feel less alone.)

If you sprain your ankle, it hurts like hell. Then you read somebody else broke their leg and you sympathize, but that doesn't mean your ankle doesn't hurt like hell anymore. ;)