I'm still crying/missing Autumn.

This new dog....sigh. I should just name him Rebound. He's too much of everything and he's a dog whereas Autumn was a person. She was so loyal---she was the only one who loved me and I loved her. So, so much.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, a basket case, a loser but Autumn didn't think that. I have no one. my younger son was supposed to see me yesterday but he's too busy and my older boy is just about to graduate college and here I sit, still in my pj's hating this dog b/c he chases and terrorizes the cats and ISN"T AUTUMN.

I (at the suggestion of my therapist) read her a few of my poems. She managed to have a concerned, bewildered, disappointed and perplexed look on her face all at the same time. She said, "What's the meaning of that poem?" She does not deal in wallowing. The poems weren't about Autumn but about some aspects of my life----I'm nobody's poet but they're like milking a snake for me----gets some of the venom out.


I KNOW I am not dealing with BIG issues like so many people are. but I am so sad and I am crying; supposed to chair a meeting today and I totally spaced on it and didn't go. AA isn't really helping me. It never really has. I'm an emotional cripple---merc got that right about me. I feel like I'm on a tightrope. I am useless; I do NOTHING productive save clean my own house. I can't meet the world on the world's terms. I want an anodyne, I want escape. Autumn is in the cold, hard, cold, cold ground when, if I had been more mindful, she'd be alive today.

What do i have? Nothing. No one. voices on telephones telling me to 'hang in there, baby' and the ever-present reply but you have children!!

No, they are adults now.

Ravaged by an abrasion. That;s me.

Ach honey. It's barely any time at all since you lost her. I was a fucking mess for about two months after I lost Pilau. The first month especially, I was totally unable to get my head and heart around the loss.

When I brought Carrot back, I mourned Pilau all over again.

thank you for your sympatico, Dana.

It gives me hope that others have lived through it. I know Tony has, Jaydaan, Nirvana...Sundae lost Dylan, and more of us.

It's like Wuthering Heights weather-wise here and I've only a bouncy, cat-chasing dog for company. Even the cats won't come up.

I want to go away. I want some sunshine and some happiness before I ossify. godDAMNIT~!

My father passed away tonight. Even though he was 94, it came suddenly. My sister called me from the hospital, but by the time I got there it was too late. I saw him last weekend, but didn't really expect it to be for the last time.

Sorry Rich.

Sorry for your loss Rich ,
but hey 94 is a Pretty good run

Sorry, Rich. :(

Sorry for your loss, Rich.

Rich, sorry for your loss, it's never easy at any age.
I saw my 93 year old mother on Tuesday, and without a second thought, told her I'd see her in May. One of these days, plans will go asunder.

So sorry Rich. No matter how old the parent may be, losing them is still one of the most heart wrenching things that can possibly happen. I hope you have plenty of support people around. Xx

I'm sorry for your loss Rich.

Rich that must hurt.
I'm so sorry. I know you were prepared, but my heart goes out to you.

My love to you and your family.

There is no such thing as complete preparation, only varying degrees of adequacy. Though it may not feel like enough, it can be enough. I hope... Ugh.

I've lost my father, I recently lost my aunt. I want to be most helpful to you Rich. I'm just so sorry to hear such news. My heart goes out to you.

Oh Rich, I'm so sorry. *hugs*

I'm so sorry Rich. I don't know what to say in these situations---they are so painful; even if he was 94. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you try to process this loss.

the loss of a father, no matter how old or infirm, has got to be gut wrenching.