I agree with foot, do not let the ex back into the picture. He is not a nice person, he is only acting nice for his own purposes. You don't need him. Don't let him convince you that you do.

I gotta agree with 3Ft here. Warning bells jangling over your ex's offers of support.

My advice, is not necessarily to close the door on that, but not to call on that offer of help. Thank him for his offers of support. And appreciate the fact that you have some potential backup if you absolutely need it. But be very wary of actually letting him help with anything beyond words of encouragement. he may be absolutely genuine. Sudden illness like this can shake people. But he is also not to be trusted. because shakeups rarely change anybody in fundamental terms. However genuine his desire to help, he cannot be trusted not to slip into controlling behaviours and abuse the status that help would give him in your life.

You are strong enough. You have a handle on this. It's nice to know that someone's rooting for you, and draw strength from that fact. But don't open yourself up the hurt that comes from him not living up to the promise.

That's true, he is a resource which can be used cautiously... I stress cautiously... but only if you're emotionally cold enough to do that.
I don't think you are, I don't think it's your nature to be a user without feeling indebted.

But what do I know. :dunce:

You're right on target ... feeling indebted is part of what gets people hooked into abusive relationships in the first place. I'm not cold enough to be a user (need lessons from un-friend). My ex is being very respectful so far, so I have to keep those boundaries in place. But it's so hard; I've never been so devastated, so vulnerable. I'll have to reread my journals and stay mindful of what brought me to this place originally. Right now, his manner has changed tremendously. But I know, if I were the objective person, I'd be shaking my head.

A complicating factor is that the worst of the abuse was years ago; it settled into more of a neglect/low-grade emotional misery in recent years. I left because I could not get past the damage the abuse had done to me. He was devastated, although he let me go. I know he still cares about me; but the abuse is something I haven't gotten past.

I still have the deal with that damage. I can't just fall back into old patterns. Maintaining boundaries here will be a huge task. At least he isn't urging me to move back 'home', or suggesting I go back on his insurance, or wanting to re-marry me.

Ahhhh, crap.

I heard from un-friend this afternoon. It wasn't exactly an inspiring message - said he hopes this is beatable and semester-sparing etc. - apologized for being incommunicado, said various aspects of his life had been busy/overwhelming. But says he's my - friend - and let's get together soon, talk soon. Says he values our friendship and mutual regard.

I guess this is how he sees our friendship - pick up and drop whenever, and if your friend gets cancer, it doesn't mean you should get in touch if other things in your life are pressing ...

It would've been simpler if he hadn't emailed.

And there's still my ex and his offers of help that I really can't turn down, in cold practical reality ...

I think the universe is laughing at me

It's just saying "Eh... What's up, doc?"

But you've got us for immoral support now.
Which proves your smart enough to know the danger.
Do you know how horses are broken?
I suspect he will in time, he's smart enough to take it slowly.

You're in control, you're the one who decides if he's worth the trouble of making your life more complicated or not.
Help is nice. You said he hasn't offered insurance, so it's pick up the cats, go to your appointments because he can make better decisions, and insert himself anywhere he can... respectfully of course.
Well you know what you need, and where you can and can't get it, so you'll have to decide how close you let either of them.

Please be careful, you don't need extra stress right now, and don't forget we're here rooting for you.
Yay Ortho, fuck cancer.

What Bruce said.

All of it.

Double.

i just stumbled across this thread. Sending prayers & good wishes to you. Wish I could say or do more, but I'm one of those guys that feels useless in these situations. I don't know what to say or do.

Orthodoc, your Mr. Wonderful sounds like a Mr. Wonderful I had a few years ago.

He was an egomaniac, a snob, a 'mentor' type who wanted to pull me into his orbit and had a really teeny tiny dick, too.

watch out for those types. Little dick = Big ego.

He would also very subtly put me down. It was so good, so subtle that I thought it was llllllooooooovvvvvve. HA! It was HIM wiping his ego on my face, if you get my drift. Lose him. You'll be happy that you did. In Oscar Wilde's estimation he would be 'tedious' although he thought himself charming. He wasn't - he was a bore. A snobby bore. He used words like 'anon' as in
"I will email you anon" or "lemman" which is olde english for 'darling' but I think it really means 'my darling slut'. How did I stand him for so long? He was smart and pushed all the right Brianna Buttons. People really ARE charming or tedious. In your heart you know which one Mr. Wonderful is.

Not that this was exactly happening here but some douchebags have apparently worked this out to the level of a studied science.

Hee hee! That's where I found out about it!

The Game. Yeahhh .... what a bunch of douchebags, is right. I LOVE that cartoon, Zen!!

And ... Imma let Mr. W. go. I don't need the particular brand of 'friendship' he offers. A 'friend' who doesn't respond for 13 days after being told his friend has cancer ... can go be friends with himself.

Now that my brain seems to be firing on more than one cylinder again ... I have to get to work. Case analysis presentation tomorrow morning and I haven't even started! :eek:

Second panel from the end is my inner self talking to me.
I don't even have to go on dates to be negged :sniff: