Sorry Grav.

She sends her thanks for all your thoughts.

My stepdaughter is such a mess, and it's so hard to watch.

She's 15, but her maturity level is about that of a 12-year-old. She's been diagnosed with ADD, social anxiety disorder, and has some OCD behaviors that according to her psychiatrist mean she is "heading for a full-blown personality disorder," but he can't decide which one yet.

Blood tests have also shown definitively that she has anti-gliadin (i.e. celiac) antibodies, but her mom's not interested in whether that's causing some or all of her neurological symptoms. Never mind the fact that at our house, where she is gluten-free, we see maybe 10-20% of the behavior problems that her mom reports seeing. Instead she has her on Lexapro, Focalin, and Risperidone, none of which seem to be making much difference, according to her mom. She has developed frequent physical tics, a common side effect of Risperidone and one they usually say means you need to transition off the med ASAP, but the mom and psych believe the tics are inherently hers and not a side effect of the med. She has talked about suicide multiple times, another massive fucking warning sign for teens on Risperidone, and yet still they keep her on the med.

We have tried to convince her to come live with us, but she is afraid of hurting her mother's feelings. Yet she was baffled when we tried to explain to her that killing herself would hurt her mother far more than choosing to live with us. In her mind, taking herself out of the world is just her own business, rejecting both houses equally rather than judging one to be better than the other. And to be honest, coming to live with us wouldn't actually solve as much as we'd like, because her mother would freak out, move to our city to be closer, and generally insert herself so much into her life that it would be like she was living with her anyway.

It's hard being part of a step family. Hard to know what the best answer is most of the time. Mostly your hands are tied, especially when the children involved are old enough to have some say in where they live etc.

Can Mr Clod suggest to his ex that it's in his daughters best interest to have a change of scene, or even just put it to her that he wants a turn at full time parenting before she's an adult? I'm sure you guys have considered all the options, so I hope something changes the outcomes which seem likely for your stepdaughter. xx

Oh yes, the lengthy and expensive custody battle made it pretty clear he wanted a turn at full-time parenting. :) If he tried to take it back to court now, the mom would most likely bring her psych in to testify that such a "dramatic" change would be too destabilizing for her. Plus, she's old enough that the judge would ask for her input--he doesn't have to do what she says, necessarily, but it does factor in--and we think she would probably say she wanted to stay with her mom, to avoid hurting her mom's feelings.

Our hope right now is that she can manage to weather the next two years, and then get the hell out of that household (which is emotionally unhealthy in a number of ways,) at which point she can take control of her life and hopefully blossom.

I'm so sorry Clod.

I'm sorry too, Clod. I hope she can hold it together until she can get out.

What makes you think she'll be emotionally ready and able to leave in two years?

Nothing. But she'll never get emotionally ready if she doesn't leave first. The house is full of codependency (from the mom) and verbal/emotional abuse (from the other relatives living there.) If she doesn't get out at 18, when there's a logical impetus to leave and go off to college, she'll never escape. That's why the mom is still living in the family home, even though she's in her 40s and it means she has to share a single bedroom with both her children.

Not sure about where you live, but that alone would be a huge red flag and nearly reason enough for the court to remover her from the home.

Wow. That's fucked up. I mean, I know some people can't afford any better, and who am I to judge? But if you have any options, that's not a good living arrangement.

Oh wow, I thought it was just a clingy Mom, but much more fucked up than I'd imagined. I hope she reaches escape velocity.

Yeah, just make sure she knows she has a soft landing at your house.

That's it right there: knowing there is a soft landing somewhere.

I hope things work out for her.

It was this way back during the custody battle too. They argued that it was "cultural" (Vietnamese,) both the staying in the family home and the closeness. To be fair, the house is 5,000 square feet, they're not living in squalor. The family is loaded, but as the black sheep who went out and got knocked up, they give her none of it. She could sue for her portion of the inheritance, but doesn't have the balls.