I miss having a cat.

I can't have a cat. Not right now. I know that. My life is too chaotic, my flat is unhygienic and inhospitable, I have rats.
But I feel like the fictional and non-fictional accounts of a woman longing for a baby.

I want the heft of a cat in my arms. I want the feel of the fur. I want the weight against me when I sleep. I want to feel the purr. I even don't mind the Spindly Death Claws, and the games of Mad Cat Scramble and Kamikaze Death Cat (where the belly is offered to be rubbed, but attack can come at any second.)

I miss having a cat in my life so much.
Bawled my eyes out this morning.

Popped them back in to come here though.

Oh hon, I know that feeling. The seven or eight years I went without my own dog, before getting Pilau, I was just like that. I'd look at other people walking their dogs and be overwhelmed with full-on, throat-catching longing. It was never very far from my mind.

Nothing from me, but my friend got hit pretty hard. Most generous guy who ever lived, too, you didn't need to steal from him, he would have helped you any way he could.:mad:

Girl, you're telling my life. I don't want a cat, though. I want mine back.:sniff:

Attachment 54082

I shouldn't have went through those pictures, dammit.

Something in my eye...

Mum saw the oncologist yesterday.
She's been assessed as a "medium" risk. Unlike two of her friends, who have to have hospital treatment, or one of the others who had to wait months for treatment at the other end of the scale.

They're confident that the surgeon removed the cells from the original site (breast) but not that rogue cells aren't roaming about, ready to form colonies elsewhere.
So she has to start treatment in the next few weeks.
And Mum says this may mean Christmas (in London) will have to cancelled.

Of course I immediately said that this was fine, and I'd rather have her well.
But I had a very good cry afterwards.
Because although the trip was all her idea, I didn't realise how much I'd emotionally invested in it. Had an outfit to wear, have a sack of presents, have a mini (fake) Christmas tree for their room etc etc. SO looking forward to the boat trip on the Thames, the steakhouse dinner on Christmas Eve, dressing up for lunch.

This will make me sound like a silly, spoiled child compared to what Mum must be going through. Which is of course losing all that as well, AND going through chemo, AND having to deal with Dad. But I can only tell you how I feel.

It might still happen of course. She has to wait until next Friday to get her treatment schedule. By then I'll be more resigned. I'm only upset because I heard last night and can't handle change well. And it's better that I tell you on here than let any of it leak out in my conversations with Mum.

Oh, and I might still be able to make it to Aylesbury.
My train tickets are for London, but I can travel on from there. So I can be a help and a presence at least.

Not new behavior, you've always gotten wound up about future events, like your get togethers with Dana and Limey. A significant event like family Christmas would always make you ramp up planning and anticipation. Now it's even more important, and you've more time to dedicate to it, because of not working and having large gaps in your social calendar. Add the stress of your parent's health issues hanging like Damocles Sword, I'm not surprised the tears come easy.

You can get all rational and shit, telling yourself it's silly and not a big deal compared to others' problems, but it's your safety valve. Safety valves are preset, they don't say hey, do you think it's time to relieve some pressure? Fuck no, when the time comes they do their thing automatically, and have no regard for time, place, or if they'll embarrass you in public.

So don't let it worry you, what you've been doing and thinking isn't very far from what you've always done. You ain't as crazy as you seem to think. http://cellar.org/2012/nono.gif

Well, no crazier than you've always been, anyway. :haha:

Thanks hon.

Bruce is right, and you already know that although you find it hard to cope with change your plans to see your parents and help your mum are changed, not cancelled altogether.
I've wanted for a while to point out that it is you your mum turns to every time for help and support so obviously you are doing everything right. Chin up girl! Love and hugs from all at Chateau Limey! xxx


Sent by thought transference

What bruce and Limes said.

*hugs* you're doing awesome, hon.

Sorry Sundae, that's one tough bit of news after another. I hope your mum's treatment schedule will still allow for your family Christmas plans in London. It's okay to be upset, why wouldn't you be? You're doing a fantastic job of support for your parents in a hard situation, don't let any negative thoughts convince you that you're silly or spoiled. No way.

New keyboard came from newegg today. No !@#$% drivers or manuals. :bitching:
And online banking says I have wrong username or password. WTF

Another thing to remember is that your Mum is really good at jumping to the worst conclusion, so maybe nothing will have to change in the end. :)

@buster: that sucks. Any chance of getting the manuals and drivers online?

Yeah. I found them on Bill's site. Still pissed thou. 1st time screw up by newegg for me.:rolleyes:

Update

I have not updated on purpose; the story takes time to develop.

They found that the original breast cancer has spread to her spine, her pelvic bone, and her liver. So it's now stage 4.

There was a period where she didn't know what to do. She investigated a "doctor" in Argentina who, for $17,000, would put her on a special anti-cancer diet. In a conference call with the guy, he claimed that chemotherapy kills millions and his diet solves cancer at a DNA level. Her husband went off on the guy.

I asked, "Did you ever consider it?" He told me "If we actually had $17,000, I would use it to put a contract out on him."

At first she was hurt that her husband would not support her. Then her friends started telling her to wise up. After the third one, she came around and announced that, yes, she would use western medicine.

This week the radiation has begun, but she has had a terrible week of opiate withdrawal, pain, emotional swings, taking doctor's orders and then not following them; being re-hospitalized for pain. In one moment of bad times she briefly wanted to can it all, but again came around.

Husband has been a rock all his life, the dependable older brother. He doesn't know how long he can be that. He is alternately furious and devastated and spun around by it all. He just wants his wife back.

He's one of my oldest friends, and he's been the guitarist for "Rocky" all this time. He wants me to play "Rent" in April. I almost want to say no because I don't know where HE will be in April. If her treatments are successful, she will be given more time, in years. If she suddenly decides to quit treatment, she will be gone by then.