Oh Jim - I can't even...

What Limes said, be as kind as you can to yourself, hon.

Seems like every other night I let it through my guard. Last night was longer but less intense sadness. Saturday night it hit me out of nowhere, I don't remember what triggered it, but I suddenly found myself welling up. Felt lost and helpless and not up to the task of grieving her.

It's a pill I have to swallow one jagged shard at a time. Seems like the pill is about the size of my house. But pointier.

I haven't had any dreams about her yet. Day 13.

She's the first person I really loved that has died. Not to say I didn't love Biff or my grandparents, but they were more like acquaintances to be honest. Only saw them once a year or less. This is my little girl. My Smoochie.

Ippy. My phone knows that word.

I'm considering getting a tattoo. She had this beetle on her shoulder.
https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...05f899a469.jpg

That or, "Goodnight, Smoochie". Or something. I saw where you can have ashes infused into tattoo ink. Creepy. I won't do that. Just something small where I can see it. I was hoping to find out who the artist that did her beetle was and go there.

The weather is so nice lately. Feeling at peace in this moment.. Sitting on my porch with coffee.

I'm sad she's missing this live air and bird song, but it doesn't lessen the beauty. Gentle breeze, flowers surrounding me. Clear cool air.

Future Jim, stay in the present. Quit fucking around with remorse. If you feed it, it will become stronger than you and eat your soul. Pull it back to the now. Use both hands.

See? Smart bullshit talk.

True, but I'm feeling like I need to feel this pain fully so I can start healing. This big chunk that's been bitten out of my life. It's raw and it saps my strength. But. In this moment, what is lacking? She wouldn't be sitting here with me anyway. I wouldn't have thought to reach out to her over just another pretty morning. Just normal life.

I think I'll get working on the present tense focus again. Maybe listen to that book again.

Love you all, and thank you for all the kind words. And sorry to bring this rain into your lives. It's a huge help to me to be able to cry and scream and blubber and wail and sob and reflect and regret and put these thoughts down to get them out of my head.

I found a MSWord Doc on my PC, I wrote at the end of a long day where I left Cape Cod, went to my mother's funeral, and came home. I remember how it helped to get my head straight after a jumble of thoughts on the 5 hour drive home after the funeral. Didn't change anything, just putting it down in writing forced me to sort it all out. Maybe because I'm a hunt and peck typer, writing things down I tend to filter out extraneous bullshit and get to the point sooner.

Jim, you're turning to your friends. And we're here for you. It's what friends do. Corny as that sounds, it works.

I find I am thinking about it regularly, and caring regularly.

It is a feeling of powerlessness, less than a tiny fraction of the size of your own feeling of powerlessness.

I'm sure. And thank you. And you

And you.

I did spend the remainder of the morning listening to mr Tolle. He has a new tome called Practicing the Power of Now. It's a more direct instruction on keeping your awareness in the moment. I had goose bumps several times as I visualized the techniques. The man is on point.

Big help. I'm actually in a good mood today. Holy shit.

Yeah. That's what we're here for. It's what we can do.

Every man is embarrassed by his crying, because it's not like the movies where the man, lit by the sunset or campfire, has a tear run down his cheek at a respectable rate. Not too fast like a girly man, but not too slow like an insensitive lout.
The movies will never show the blubbering, snot bubbles, trembling of real life.:headshake

I don't have anything good to add, except that I'm reading, and I'll keep reading whatever you write about her.

Though I think you already have, I advise finding a private place and cry unrestrainedly, without reserve.
Wail, scream, sob until your eyes blur and burn and your throat hurts.
An hour, two or more is not too long.
And again and again is not too many.
It has helped me in such times.

Yeah. Me too.

I wrote a little thing so I'd be ready when people decide they want a service for her. Spencer says he would not attend, doesn't need it. From what I'm hearing, Shelby is ambivalent and is deferring to his choice. Her sister deferring to her, etc. So if there is to be a service, I may have to instigate it.

And I'm torn. I had been feeling like I was waiting for some kind of closure, so I could move on. But since I've been re learning to take shelter in the present moment, that feeling has dissolved.

I know my family is expecting some kind of thing... And there is a picnic planned at the end of this month. So, I'm feeling like if we haven't done it by then, that could turn into it. And I really don't want to ruin that event.

I just don't want to push her mother and my son.

I guess it's not that big a deal.

A commemorative event can be held at any time.
For my brother we had a humanist service, where friends and relatives spoke, at the time of his cremation. And then quite a while later we scattered his ashes in his favourite place and that too, involved friends and relatives, and had a very different vibe to it.
I do understand you not wanting to push Shelby or Spencer, but you must look after yourself and what you need, too.

I'm content as is. I'm looking forward to having Spencer over Saturday night. I'll let him talk about it if he wants, but won't ask questions or try to pry into his head. He's super stubborn. Usually goes contrary to what i advise. kids.