*giggles hysterically*

oh, that WOULD be rich, wouldn't it???

I can't even begin to think about what I'd write.

Mail....and maybe money or a cake with a file in it. ;)

Update January 2006
 

I'm not sure what all I've updated in the last 18 months, so if some of this is repeat, I apologize in advance.

The Boy, at age 17, (April 2005 ish) finally discovered girls. Which was a good thing, I was getting worried. I knew that as soon as he found girls, he would start to change. I was hoping that change would be a good thing, that he would mature. I was really excited, since this is when, I felt, I would excel as a parent. I had told him of the mistakes I had made as a teenager, he was smart enough to understand what I went through, and he would come out of things on the "he did better than me because of my experiences".

Boy, what a bunch of crap that turned out to be.

So Miss Thang was in ROTC with him. I never had a problem with her, but as soon as they started dating, he turned into a belligerent, disrespectful asshole, for lack of a better description.

The highlights:
We didn't have a land line, only cell phones, and on Easter break that year, ran up my cell phone bill to $600 talking to her. When there was a computer RIGHT THERE for him to IM her on. For free.

My phones got turned off, so I made him get a job to pay for my cell phone bill. He worked at Sonic down the road and talked to Miss Thang on IM.

She is a "Wiccan" (more in the "Witchcraft is like Charmed" sense than in the sense of what Wicca actually is), and made him a necklace out of paperclips, which he wore, but didn't have the slightest idea what it represented.

The beginning of the end what when during teh summer between Junior and Senior year of high school, over IM while I'm at work, he tells me that he's been downloading pictures of demons and now they are moving. I became alarmed, and asked him to take off the necklace, since I don't know what she was putting into it, and felt that it MAY be drawing bad things to him. He outright refused, and I told him that if he could tell me what it was, what the symbol represented, he can wear it (after I had it for a few hours). He said he didn't care what it represented, because Miss Thang gave it to him, and he was NOT taking it off.

This was the point it became defiance. I told him I didn't want to take it from him, he can have it in his pocket if he wished, but I didn't want him to wear it until he knew what it represented. He was again defiant. I told him that I would not accept this from him, that I had made a reasonable request, and that if he did not comply, I considered it defiant and disrespectful. He said he didn't care. So I asked him if he realized that I will not tolerate him living in my home, eating my food, etc, if he is going to disrespect me. He said, fine, I'll leave. I said, fine, put your key on the counter and take all your shit with you, because you're not coming back.

When I got home, his key was on the counter, and I didn't like it, but I sighed and accepted it. (I found the back door that we never used was unlocked, he unlocked it and was hoping I wouldn't notice. Sneaky shit.)

Next day, I get a call from Miss Thang's parents. He's at their house. The father is on the phone with me, and basically says "do you know that since he's under 18 you're legally responsible for him?" I said, "Do you know that in this state, harboring a runaway is a felony?" Basically, he had told her parents about how much of an ogre I was, and how I was "so mean". At the end of the day, I allowed him to come back. I told my husband that he now had "free reign" to do as he pleased with The Boy, because I was done. He had broken my heart, and I didn't want anything to do with him. He was only coming back because I was legally responsible.

Husband put him on "lockdown", meaning, you stay in your room, no TV, no radio, no games, for a week. And Husband demanded The Boy apologize to me. For every day The Boy didn't apologize, Husband would add a week of lockdown.

At three weeks of lockdown, I tell Husband I don't want a forced apology. He relents, but the three weeks stayed in effect. Since one of MY conditions was that he no longer used my computer ever, I went in and basically formatted/reinstalled, to wipe all that demon crap off the machine.

My best friend and her husband were staying with us at the time, and the husband was at the house (We were at work), when The Boy came out of the room to eat lunch, and attempted to get on MY computer to "print some stuff" from Miss Thang. When he realized I had formatted, reinstalled, and everything from Miss Thang was gone, he went insane. He called me a bunch of names, but the highlight was Mother Fucking Bitch.

Oh, no you didn't.

Huband tells my friend, and my friend tells me.
I walk in the front door and tell my husband to come get me before I kill this child and proceed into his room. What followed I'm not proud of, but suffice to say I told him to say it to my face. He wouldn't, so I told him if he can say it behind my back, but can't say it to my face, he's a pussy. If he's going to talk like a man, he better be able to back it up like a man. My husband pulled me out of the room, and my final words were, "Don't go to sleep."

He ran away again, but I didn't know it until the next morning. This time I called the police and reported him as a runaway. I found out that he had left the house that night, and had walked/run about 40 miles throughout the night/part of the day to the town that Miss Thang was vacationing at. He called her Stepmom and she went and picked him up, and took him to her house (where he went before). And no one called me. She had to drive by my house twice to get him and bring him back, and it didn't occur to her to bring him by.

I find this out at 6pm, so instead of dealing with them, I just went to the police station, gave them the parents names and address, and a Sgt. went out there and picked him up, and brought him back to the police station. This accomplished two things. One, hopefully scared the parents that the police were showing up to get my kid, maybe they need to not let him in/see their daughter/whatever, and two, impress upon The Boy that I wasn't playing anymore.

In this state, if you runaway twice, you are considered an "Undisciplined Juvenile" and the state takes the child out of the home and into foster care until the child is 21 years old. Not 18. I knew that, and the Sgt. told The Boy that. Sgt asked me and Husband what was going on, I told him, and he told The Boy that it sounded like he needed to get his head together and hang in for 6 months, until he was 18. I took him back only because of the cops.

I had been emailing the ex (David, Piggy's father) about The Boy and I told the ex it was either he took him or foster care, because The Boy was not going to listen, and would most likely runaway again. David decided to take the boy in, and threw in some jabs about what a shitty parent I was since I obviously didn't have control over my own son. He had come back from Iraq the month before and taken Piggy back, and had Bryan (my autistic son) with him for a vacation. He was supposed to return Bryan on July 23, so I proposed that we meet in Atlanta on that day (halfway between us), and swap children, Bryan for The Boy. He agreed.

Then, 4 days from then, he emails me and tells me he's no longer willing to make the drive, and he'll return Bryan when it's "financially convenient". So if I wanted him to take The Boy, and I wanted Bryan back, I had to make the full 18 hour each way trip.

So I did.

continued in part 2....

part 2....

I had told The Boy that if he wanted a relationship with me, that he had to start from scratch. He said he would.

I didn't hear a word from him until right before Christmas, when he started making nice so I would let him come for Christmas break. Everyone knew it wasn't because he wanted to see me. He wanted to see Miss Thang, who he had kept a long distance relationship with. I don't think so. He turned 18 right after Christmas.

Most of 2006 came and went, and I saw him once for a few minutes when Dave would bring Piggy by for visitation. I'd get sporadic phone calls, Miss Thang broke up with me, I'm dating some new girl, graduating in December, going to cooking school, etc. OK, good for you, hope it all works out.

Dave goes to Afghanistan in June, leaving The Boy in the house. Alone. Mostly because I refuse to take him back. Not that Dave asked, just that he already knew I wouldn't. The Boy has a job at McDonalds, Dave sets up the electric bill and the rent and all on auto draft, so all The Boy has to buy is food. He works at McDonalds, for shits sake, and gets food 1/2 off. What a deal for an 18 year old.

In October, he calls me and tells me that some girl he's been seeing, we'll call her Sam, thinks she is pregnant. She JUST turned 17. *sigh* Well, has she taken a pregnancy test? No, she "feels" she is pregnant. OK, how far along could she be here? Well, we just had sex last week.

....

Um, did you use a condom? No. But you had sex for the first time last week? Yes. And she "feels" she is pregnant. Yes, her period is 2 days late.

....

Well, first of all, go take a pregnancy test, and find out for sure.
If she is pregnant, oh crap.
But if she isn't pregnant, and I suspect she isn't, then #1 she's administering "The Test" to you, basically, "what will he do if I tell him I'm pregnant?" to determine what kind of man you are and #2 for shit's sake, use a condom!!

Ok, we'll get a test. Ok. Two weeks later, I get a phone call, she's not pregnant, and we're getting married next year when she turns 18. Her parents are hillbillys, and Christians, and hick farmers, blah blah blah. I talk to her and she sounds about as smart as a rock. She promises to send pictures. I reiterate to The Boy to use condoms, the last thing you need is to knock this girl up.

You can see where this is going.

He quits his job at McDonald's because it is unsafe, but he friend's dad works at Applebees and can get him a job there.

In November, The Boy's high school calls Dave in Afghanistan and tells him that The Boy has made some threats in school (like "I'ma going to bring one of my Dad's guns to school and kill all you sons a bitches" type threats), and has been expelled.

Dave calls him best friend in New Mexico, and he comes to the house, finds out that The Boy has let 4 of his friends move in, and has been having sex with Sam on Dave's bed. Like we didn't know that was going to happen. So on orders from Dave, the friend throws all The Boy's crap on the lawn and changes the locks, takes the key from The Boy, and leaves.

Understand I am getting all this information through my Mother, who is the only person David will talk to. No one has called me and told me anything except her. David has called to speak to Piggy, but hasn't said a word about it. Still hasn't to this day.

At this point, this is all I know. I call my sister, and advise that if The Boy contacts her to let us (me and Mom) know, because as far as we know, the Boy is now homeless in the Winter. And so much for graduation in December.

I discuss the situation with my husband, and we decide we can't take him in, because of the extremely adverse reaction it would have on my autistic son. We've just got him to the point that he's getting better, he's learning, and through training, we have real hope that he'll be able to make it on his own by the time he's 25. We don't want to now bring The Boy's destructive behavior and compulsive lying back into our home to influence Bryan. The Boy is 18, going to be 19 next month (at the time), whereas Bryan is 13. We have to protect Bryan now. The Boy had his shot, he blew it.

My mother will also not take The Boy in, because of my nephew. He turned out ok, but there was a while there he was living with my mom, and he put her through some crap. So he ruined it for The Boy.

My Sister was never asked, but I doubt she would. I could prolly guilt her into it, since I took my nephew in at one point, but I wasn't going to do that. My opinion is that The Boy screwed up a good thing, and he needs to learn that choices have consequences. Obviously he hadn't learned it from me, maybe he would learn it from Dave.

A month passes, it's now a few weeks before Christmas. The Boy calls me out of the blue and leaves a voice mail. "I'm fine, staying with Sam's parents, you're going to be a grandma, give me a call."

Dave returns home from Afghanistan. He calls my mother and tells her that the police got a search warrant after The Boy made threats, and searched his home while he was away, and thank God he was so meticulous about putting his guns in a locked safe, or shit would have hit the fan. A black man in a very southern state with the arsenal he has would NOT look good.

So I call The Boy back, and Sam is, he says, in fact, pregnant, and is due in August. Her parents have kicked him out when Dave got home, thinking Dave would take him back in, but there is no way, Dave says, after what you've done. So The Boy goes back to the parents house. So I tell him get a job, so you can get the money to move out of there, etc.

A week later, he calls me again, Sam's exboyfriend, Josh, who is in the Army, and stationed in Germany, is on leave and visiting. She has broken up with The Boy and tells him she is going to take the baby to Germany in October, when she turns 18, and live with Josh.

So apparently the wedding is off.

The parents have not kicked him out, and at this point I'm pissed. We have no proof this baby is his, #1. #2, obviously she's mental and he's going to have to get his shit together. I make references to her being a ho and that "If these hicks" (as HE called them) "are going to kick you out, you need money to get a place." I told him if the baby isn't his, he needs to cut and run. As usual, he didn't listen.

He calls me back the next day, and is pissed that I called her a ho and her parents hicks, and proceeds to tell me that "the monster [i] married and divorced [David] told him to do the same thing [cut and run], so since [we] said the same thing, what does that make [me]?"

(In his warped butchering of the language, he was trying to call me a monster without calling me a monster. He learned what happens when he calls me names out right.)

Sam gets on the phone and wants to know where I get off calling her a ho, when I "abandoned [The Boy] thousands of miles away. What kind of mother are you?"

I try to explain first of all, that The Boy is no longer her boyfriend, so why the hell is she talking to me, and then try to explain that the place he is in now is the result of his choices, and that hey, if you're pregnant by your boyfriend, then leave him to screw your exboyfriend, IMO, you're a ho. I calls em like I sees em.

The phones broke up, and after 3 dropped calls during this conversation, I finally give up. He hasn't called since.

Then I get this email last week.

I didn't touch that at all, that's how he writes.

My reply:

part 3....

My reply:
Then I got this, the last one so far.

Well, The Boy knows how to push my buttons.
Now, you guys know what his father did, from the previous posts, and I never lied to the boy, ever.

I haven't replied to this email, because I don't even know where to start.

No, I haven't handled things as I would have liked to all the time, but still, ... just.... ugh.

So. Am I crazy? A bad mother? Completely wrong? How should I respond? Should I respond at all? Suggestions?

The Boy is working himself up into a fine froth by thinking you really intend to go to court and try to get custody of his child. If you don't (I assume Sam is lying 100% here) I would reply simply with that fact.

Ignore the rest of it for the time being, come back to it bit by bit when it is less raw. If you start answering hurtful things he has written as if they are reasonable statements/ questions the situation will be escalated even further.

There's no advice I can give. But I'm never complaining about my life ever again.

If I read this correctly, this whole thing started when you got freaked out that a Charmed-style "wiccan" was casting paperclip spells, and threw him out of the house for wearing a necklace?

I don't think you should be surprised if he finds it easy to believe that you may act irrationally.

No, I threw him out of the house because he was being openly defiant and disrespectful. He knew through many many times of me telling him before hand, "I will not tolerate disrespect or defiance in my home, from you or anyone else. If you want to live here, you live by my rules. Period." He understood that, and chose to directly defy me.

(I don't think I was being unreasonable by asking him to know what the symbol on the necklace meant before displaying it. It's like someone wearing a cross but not knowing what it stands for. I didn't hve a problem with him wearing it IF he understood what it meant.)

In the IM logs (which I still have), I tell him again, "Do you understand that you cannot live in my home if you are being defiant, and that this act of refusing to learn about the necklace or take it off is considered being defiant?" "yes"

I don't think that's me being irrational.

Being so freaked out about a necklace that you throw a child out of home is irrational.

I'm with Sunday Girl on this one. When a small fire flares up, stamp it out immediately. Don't throw gasoline on it. Your son was told a lie (I'm assuming it's a lie from the context) that you wanted to take his child away from him. You should tell him that it's a lie right away. If you don't, your silence makes him think it is true. If you had told him in the beginning that it was a lie, he wouldn't have responded with that hurtful e-mail. He still thinks you are planning on taking his child from him. Ignore the hurtful e-mail for now, and tell your son that he has been misinformed. You have no intention of taking his child.

It also might help if you referred to him as your "son," not "The Boy." Labels like that will build a bigger wall between the two of you.

Still, this might be a "pick your battles" thing.

As a learn-by-example behavior, note that "defiant" can parallel "abritrarily stubborn".

OC- good to hear from you, too bad it isn't under better circumstances...

You need to maintain your level of trust with him, by continuing to not lie to him.
#1, tell him that you do not plan to take the child away from him/them.
#2, when the child is born, a paternity test is needed before anyone should make any moves regarding the future of that child. When is it due?
#3 Your son right now seems to be willing to do what it takes to be a good parent. Let him know what that is going to entail. Reliable income, reliable housing etc. He needs to get his ducks in a row before his (potentially) child arrives. If he can prove he is prepared for fatherhood better than the mother is, it may help him should custody issues arise. <-- but that may be getting ahead of yourself.

My mother has advised him in a telephone conversation a few nights ago that I have no intention to take the child (I won't say his until I see DNA results, and I told him that.)

If he would have come at me with "Sam told me....." from the beginning, this would have been a very different email from my end. He's trying to be hurtful on purpose. I don't have to take this from anyone, let alone a child.

At this point, I'm so angry that I haven't responded. I know me. If I respond when I'm angry, it will not be coherent, it will be meant to hurt him back. He knows where my buttons are, but I also know where his are. And right now I want to hurt him back, so I'm just going to leave it alone for awhile; try to take the "high road".

He has been made aware that I don't want the child, and during the course of that conversation with my mother, he revealed that David took him back in three weeks ago.

Please also understand (I don't know if this was made clear earlier) the child is a pathological liar. If he told me the sky was blue I'd have to go check.

There is a very real possibility, and I mean this in all seriousness, that this girlfriend may not be pregnant at all, and he's trying to goad me. He feels like I abandoned him when I took him to David's, so he's going to "get back at me" the only way he knows how...by hurting me with his words. This hypothesis (or some form similar) has been proposed by my mother, my sister, my husband, and my best friend.

IF there is a child, and IF it turns out to be his, I've already given him the best advise I can: get a job now, get a place to live now, and position yourself into a position where you look like a more responsible person than this girl who lives with her "Pillar of the Community Christian" parents.

As if.

And as far as calling him my son rather than The Boy, well, I don't feel very maternal toward him right now. I know that I'm a very emotional person, but due to the circumstances with his early childhood (mentioned a few pages back), I never really bonded with him in the first place. Honestly, it wouldn't be hard for me to completely cut him out of my life at this point. I would be disappointed for awhile, but really, it may be for my greater mental health in the long run.

I don't know. Right now I'm just waiting to see what the next move is. I take all he says with a huge grain of salt. I guess we'll see how it pans out.

First off, for you newer Cellarites, OC has been around the block a time or two, and she knows from magick, and those who use it. *You* don't have to believe in it if those involved do. That said, if OC thought the necklace was having an adverse affect on The Boy (try to remember that he thought computer pictures were becoming living demons, apparently), then she, knowing what she knows and believing what she believes, was well within her rights as a custodial parent and mother to make The Boy remove said item.

When The Boy refused to do so, he was essentially throwing off the yoke of parental restraint. At this point, he has accepted responsbility for himself, and whatever comes afterward. Had he understood one single thing *about* Wicca, he would have known this first off, because self-responsibility and self-determination are basic, fundamental tenets of the path, well before you ever start mucking around with magick.

The Boy told her to go stuff herself, and in a couple of different, disrespectful ways. No apologies seem to be forthcoming, and his subsequent contacts seem designed to either provoke, defend or mine for information...none of it intended to reconcile between them. In the meantime, The Boy has continued to screw up his life, and he's managed to find a girl who is more than happy to help him maximize the drama in all of this, probably because it makes her that much more the center of *everyone's* attentions. You know the old saying, "Don't feed the troll"? HickHo is looking to be fed, folks.

OC - I know it hurts, I know you're going to be asking yourself if what you've done was right, and I know you feel like a shitty mother. Raising kids is easy; building grownups is not. The Boy is now in the process of becoming The Man. You've been down this path before in your own life, and The Boy is uninterested in what you learned through so much pain along the way. Therefore, let him learn his own lessons, take his own responsibility, and...if he survives the experience...be able to look back someday and realize that he could have saved a lot of trouble if he'd listened. Perhaps he will then be able to impart those lessons to his own progeny.

Hang in there.