After your Ex, Moving Forward: Dating again
 

IMHO, the best way to move forward after a disasterous relationship is to do light dating again.

How does one do that? How does one find new singles?

Let's brainstorm here folks. At this time, no debate or criticism, just brainstorming. What can be done?

If you want to avoid the bar scene, offering to buy beverages at Starbucks seems to be a 21st century thing. I heard some 25 yo girl talking about that on the train. I said to her "How does that work?" She said that when she's on line at Starbucks, sometimes guys will ask her and she politely says she's dating someone already. But, she was recommending that approach to some single guy on the train. I think in the 21st century, gals could offer to buy guys drinks at Starbucks.

I think the online dating services work better than mutual friends.

Post your ideas here. Anyone know of onling dating experiences? Anyone have any ideas at all?

Let's brainstorm folks!

I wish I knew. My last relationship was such a disaster, I haven't wanted to go near a man for the past year. I was introduced to the guy by mutual acquaintances, too. :thepain3: So my feeling is what the hell, strangers in bars or coffee shops, internet dating, whatever. Leaving town is what works for me right now.

I here 'ya sister. Leaving town is one step. But hooking up again is the next step, girlfriend. "you can't just do a geographic"

Part of light dating is just having a guy in the early stages of dating just treat you like a women. With some respect, even if just to get to the next date. Just light stuff, after the heavy duty shit that just passed. A new model for being treated nicely on a date.

Of course, with forums, datings services, and other online or even offline stuff, you still have to go thru screening. With most Dating Services, you can get phone calls before live dates.

Some of my girlfriends found that Online Dating Services work much better than references though IRL friends.

A lot of my friends are doing the *speed dating* thing. Its seems pretty cool and well organised.

Not sure how popular it is outside Australia, so forgive me if I am telling you something you already know.

Basically, you go to a pre-arranged place (bar, cafe or something) and you have 5 minutes intervals talking to the opposite sex.

At the end you indicate who you liked and if they too marked your name, you are given each others details.

If nothing else its a nice nite out with some decent conversation (well...hopefully) with no strings attached.

They have lunchtime meets for those who are workaholics and cant make the nite time ones.

Other than that, I know some ladies from a forum I visit who have kids use online dating successfully.

I like the idea of online as at least you can email etc first.

We have the Social Development Unit aka Government Matchmaking here.

Really? That sounds downright Orwellian. Does the government force you to take part of this service or is it optional?

Rock Steady, once I've done my geographical, I plan to join a church like the Unitarians or some other such liberal congregation - no fundies, please; get involved in some community organizations (may have to drive over to the big city of Durango for some of those) and attend me some rodeos and pow wows (I want either a Navajo BF or a cowboy - a Navajo cowboy would make an interesting change!)

Its a lot easier for the youngsters to meet someone, a middle aged woman has a lot fewer options. I think this is one reason why I stayed on with the ax murderer before I realized he was an ax murderer. Its such a pain for a woman who is a little older to meet a reasonable guy.

The other thing I've thought about doing is learning how to fly fish and join the local Trout Unlimited chapter. Fly fishing is a fun activity that doesn't require a man's strength, yet its almost exclusively a man's sport. Fly fishermen tend to be upscale outdoorsy types, and I think there are fewer predator types like the ax murderer or Bri's professor among their number. Could be wrong, but its a theory worth testing. In a Trout Unlimited meeting, there's probably 5 women (if that) in attendence for every 30 guys. Now a few of those guys are bound to be in my age bracket and divorced or widowed. Even if I don't meet a BF that way, I'll get to learn a new activity which is very interesting and contemplative. My ex husband is actually a fly fisherman of some reknown, and I used to go with him on his fishing excursions. It was kind of like watching a Zen master, the expert cast, getting the fly to land lightly on the water, knowing the spots where the trout were most likely to be in the river, watching the hatches of aquatic insects and the ripples of a rising trout on a summer evening towards dusk... I'll set out my lures and see what happens! ;)

true, dat, about being middle-aged and finding the stream has done gone dry! People my age just are NOT available. I do hear horror stories of women who've met men online only to find out the guy was married or a serial dater (having 7-8 women on the line at at go) or worse. I get discouraged quickly and my heart is tender, tender. The healthiest among us would have a hard time listening to rejections all day long. Maybe I'll just get a teddy bear. When I was young, I was fearless! Now, I am the sadder but wiser girl. I'm thinking of devoting my life to spiritual endevours. That, or investing all my time, money and energy into food. Just getting ungodly HUGE. Or, I could rock back and forth on my bed and try to decipher song lyrics, like David Sedaris did. I wish I were gay. Seems gay women have better luck than I do. Hell, Charles Manson had better luck. Sigh.

It's gonna pour here, a real thunderstorm. The sky is black, black, black. Fits my mood to a 'T'. I hope hail rips somebody's head off...

Here's an idea I've been kicking around in my brain pan. Pick an activity you like, (biking, photography, diving, etc) and join a club. The idea here is that even if you don't meet someone directly *in* the club, you're getting out of the house, out from in front of your computer, and doing something you enjoy. Expanding your social circle is clearly going to increase your chances of meeting someone, even if only by referral, and even if you don't meet someone right away, you're still having fun. Plus, you guarantee that you'll have something in common should you meet someone interesting.

Now if I can just get off my butt and try it out...

Plus any married woman you meet will try to fix you up with their single girlfriends. Like it or not. :lol:

Yep - I'm with Ridgeplate get out to some social activities as you aint gonna meet anyone sitting indoors and waiting for it to happen. Clubs is good - even married you need to get out and meet new people and social circles or else your friends are just those at work. We belonged to a church years back and that was an ideal pool for meeting people but that all went tits up (am I allowed to say that) so now its hard to find new friends. In the uk if you try dating on line there are loads a women to choose from but never tried it just browsed - funny tho cos online it seems most mid late 30s women are either divored with kids and baggage or not settled down and a bit desparate. mmm.... choices - maybe thats a little hard but I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.

to be honest, i was on the verge of posting something like this myself and getting everyone's opinion.

just got out of a long term (almost 6 years) relationship. as a matter of fact, i might have seen this thread sooner had i not been dealing with some of the aftermath of that. it seems like a lot of people on here have at least tried the online dating thing and i wanted to ask what the general consensus was. i think that some of you have even met someone and are in a relationship as a result of it. thumbs up?

it seems to me that the experiences you have online vary depending mostly upon your age and sex (duh, but they seem to be heavily related to age, more than i would think). opinions? i'm 28, and i'm sure that might seem like a whipper snapper to some of you :) but i DO feel a little old and out of touch with the dating scene. that's probably because the last time i was in the market was in college, where you meet people whether you want to or not.

in theory, online dating seems like the perfect idea to me. you're not dependent upon chance or what bar you happen to be at or whatever. you can learn a lot about a person in a short period of time (factual things, likes/dislikes, general info) before you try and get to know them better. but then, there's always the chance of setting up a meeting place with a girl and getting chloroformed by a 260 pound guy named larry........:worried:

Likely one's distance from the dating scene rather than age is more important about one's fear of it.

Larry and his cloroform aren't a problem in public places. Anyone you meet online, that doesn't insist on a public place for a face-to-face, you probably don't want to meet anyway. :headshake

heh, agreed. i'll still keep a transmitter in my undies in case i come up missing, though.

anyone have any recommendations for good sites to use? i made a fark personals (yes, i know) account a while ago but have never used it, except to search a bit.

i'm not afraid of the dating scene or meeting/talking to people, as a matter of fact many people tell me that communication is one of my strongest qualities. problem is, most of my friends are in marriages/long term committed relationships, so it would be difficult to meet people while i'm "out" with them because of where they like to go. can't say that i blame them, either. when i was in a relationship i didn't feel compelled to go "out" all the time. another thing, many of the single women that i ran into before were as a result of her friendships - heh, something i don't think i can count on now.

IMO online dating holds pretty much the same drawbacks as meeting people in any other forum... face it, one could lie online as easily as one could lie in person (well except for Larry and his cloroform...) public meetings are a must when it's an online date - that's common sense - as is a first date in a puiblic place with someone you met at your cousin's girl friends picnic. The rule is always to be safe...
Ridgeplate has the best idea - find something that interests YOU, and then go do it - have some fun and expand yourself... that way you not sitting in a bar with your arse on a stool waiting for Mr. (or Ms.) Right.
As to finding someone online who is real?? I met my fiance online through a Christian Dating site - the wedding is July 29th - he's my senior by 11 years and it's been the most awesome time of my life... so it can work.

Be selective on which sites you choose - there has been lots of talk concerning dating sites using sham daters to keep you renewing...

Were there any lions posing as christians? :blush:

The problem with Pagan dating sites is that everybody on there is a fucking wackjob. OTOH, most guys on Christian dating sites can't get past "You worship more than one God, but none of them is Satan?"

So, RS, are you back on the market, or are you just posting generally helpful info here?

i hadn't heard of that before. what sites are considered reputable around here?

No, I'm not on the market. But thanks for asking, sweetie. I have a number of girlfriends that are at various stages. I've been encouraging Brianna to get out right away.

A local friend (54 yo) had tried to meet guys thru friends or work. But, that yielded nothing. In Nov she started using eHarmony. She dated one guy a few times, another once, but the third one may be a keeper. She's been seing him for over two months. She didn't realize that eHarmony was for Xtians. Since she was a liberal jew, she was marginalized, and found guys that were similarly outcast by eHarmony.

It seems to me that hooking up thru friends is very hard. The online dating services bring people together that woudn't have otherwise found each other. Also, the ideas above on clubs and activities is also very good.

At the risk of derailing a thread....

Hi everyone! I know I've been gone a while. A few weeks ago, it was finally accomplished: my divorce was made official.

So I've been curious about the whole "join a club" thing: how does one find out about these? I tried ye olde trusty Internet, but didn't turn up any results.

The trick is to figure out what KIND of club you want to join first. You're not going to just find a listing of all clubs in your area. If it's a book club you want to join, ask at a bookstore. If it's a sports-related club, ask at a gym or sporting goods store. You have to at least start with an idea of what interests you.

I like reading, but don't think I'd like the whole "analyze the book and tell me what you think" aspect. Just boring for me. I like writing poetry, but much less so reading or hearing it read. Maybe I'll just go, share my own poetry, and leave lol.

As for a bookstore, we had one here once upon a time, but they shut down due to lack of sales (because they were overpriced). What about the local public library?

It's optional but a lot of the activities in university take funding from them. -__-

Their website is here: http://www.lovebyte.org.sg/web/ent_p_home.asp

EDIT: I also just realized how cheesy the website sounds. Yuck...

Well hell yes Bruce - I was there!! :p


OK - sorry I was slow in answering...
I believe Match and Yahoo personals were hit for playing the game with having fake postings...and even having employees go out on dates...(is that lible or slander on my part?? oh well it's public record)...
that's actually why I chose a Christian site - I figured maybe the chance of having a few "real" people interspersed with the wack-jobs was a bit higher. And for me it worked. But we "dated" for quite some time before we met - hell I had email and phone conversations with his kids, his best friends and his Mother before we met... I was taking no chances and either was he. Discretion is the better part of valor in dating.

I've pretty much decided upon a life of celibacy and thankless, back-breaking work. Perhaps I'll join a cloister...

I'm with you. My last experience was sooooooooo AWFUL! BLECH! I don't trust myself to make good choices, anymore. There may be some great guys out there, but I guarantee that I pick out a guy, he's a great loser and that's about it.

Hey Mari, I just know you from this forum, but I think you have a great personality, and after your move and joining activities, you will be in the driver's seat again. You go girl! ....RS

Stop it! You're just trying to make me feel guilty for not meeting you in Pittsburgh for "fun and games". OK, I'll try harder to justify a trip back east. Chicago might be easier to swing. You're the best, darling; can you do Chicago? :love:

I can go anywhere! ;)

Why, thanks, RS. :blush: You're being quite the pep squad for me and Bri, here. I hope you're right. Right now the only whickers I've been waking up to next to my pillow belong to my cat. I wouldn't mind seeing a man's instead! :lol:

I haven't had time to add anything to this thread. Anyway, good luck RS. IMO, you could let friends and relatives know that you are looking. Sometimes they can find people in situations other than obvious 'meat market' ones.

Good luck also, Mari. Judging by your picture, you shouldn't have any problems when you decide to get back into dating.

BTW, remember Levy's Law on Dating - Never have sex with a woman until you have read all of her tatoos.:D