Can it be my turn to cry? (Long VENT. Like a novel.)
 

Can it be my turn to cry?

I am feeling very …I don’t know… at the moment. I guess I’ll begin about 10 years ago…

10 years ago my husband’s brother was diagnosed with cancer and we flew from CA to VA to visit with him while he was undergoing chemotherapy treatment. My husband’s 40th birthday happened to occur during our visit and his older brother, wife and I made an effort to celebrate it…40th gifts, gag gifts, cake, cards and a special dinner.
His older brother passed away early the next year.

A few months after hubby’s b-day is my 30th b-day, on a Monday. The weekend immediately before my b-day, one of hubby’s other brothers was driving a vehicle to us from OR and would stay the weekend and fly home Sunday. So, I cleaned and stocked the house for his visit. Friday morning I get a call from my Sis’ bf telling me she is having emergency surgery for a burst tubal pregnancy. I called hubby at work to let him know what was going on and that I would be driving 250 miles south to be with Sis’ bf and get her situated at home when she was released. I also called our folks, who were across the country vacationing with family in MD. Luckily, they were flying home that evening anyway and were able to get an earlier flight home to also drive down to Sis’.

Sis came through surgery fine and was able to come home Saturday afternoon. Mom and I were able to clean her house, get new sheets and bath stuff to make everything “pretty” for her and we grocery shopped and cooked and froze some meals for her recovery period. I left to come home on Sunday and arrived about mid-evening.

I arrived home to a husband that was inebriated and a house that was DESTROYED. I mean every piece of silverware, dishware, coffee cup, glassware, pot, pan et cetera that could be dirty, was. And they weren’t dirty in the sink or counter. No. They were ALL OVER THE HOUSE. In addition to various guitars in the living room, dirty clothes on the floor of every room, both beds unmade, empty beer and pepsi cans left on tables, windowsills, counters, furniture and the floor. Yes, they were PIGS. Freakin’ slobs. The next day hubby would be going to work and I would wake up to that mess on my 30th b-day.

I wasn’t happy at all and if I hadn’t been so tired from the stress of the weekend worrying about my sister and having just completed a nearly 5 hour drive of 250 miles, I’d have gone to my folks’ 125 miles back the direction I had just driven. I cried, hubby felt bad and cried...but I think it was the beer because he didn’t help me clean and I don’t recall what we did to celebrate my 30th so it couldn’t have been anything special.

Fast forward 5 years to when I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that left me tired, debilitated, forced to stop working and most times confined to our home. I was able to work for about 18 months after the onset of my illness, but the attacks were becoming too severe and lengthy (up to 45 days at a time) and I had to tell my work (a job that I loved!) that I had to quit. They needed an employee who could be there dependably, and my illness was making me undependable in a job that needed to be done daily. So, now I don’t get much social interaction and I miss it.

This brings us to present times. Last summer (2005) I began seeing a new Dr, a specialist who is the head of the department, in treating illnesses like mine. She began me on steroids and chemotherapy. Blood tests were good so we doubled the chemo in the spring. During this summer (2006), we weaned off the steroids and I began to feel nauseous. The nausea was a precursor to liver problems and jaundice. I did not know anyone could feel so miserable and still be alive. It was horrible and suffice to say that I could not eat, lost about 15 pounds and had other miserable side-effects of the jaundice and could take no medications for relief because of the danger to my liver in its’ weakened state.

Earlier in late spring, hubby’s sister came to live with us from CA. She was homeless for some months previously and finally accepted our offer to stay with us, work and save her money for a fresh start for her and her children that were back in CA with their father, her ex-husband. Just as the jaundice was about to make itself known, I returned from a New England vacation with my Mother to learn that Sis-in-law’s current hubby would be flying out to join her in our home. At this time, SIL had been with us for two months and was not employed, nor had she been looking, and therefore had no money saved. I was beginning to feel annoyed with her.

I advised her that the “deal” was off. No longer could she stay as long as she liked and save her earnings. I did not feel my home was the place for her marriage to begin and that I would expect them to work, save money, get their own vehicle and get moved out and on their own ASAP.

Just a few weeks later, she was a Godsend while I was ill with jaundice. She ran the house and took care of everything. I was so weak I could barely drag myself from bed to collapse on the LR couch. I could not even shower, I almost passed out from the effort. Had to lay on the bed for 15 minutes before I could dress and brush my hair to dry. Hubby began helping me bathe in the tub when he got home from work. He’d wash my hair for me because I just couldn’t hold my arms over my head to scrub my hair and brush my hair until it was dry.

When SIL’s husband arrived, he found work and was employed within three days of arriving in GA. Now it is three months later…and SIL is still not employed! I just spoke with her the other day and told her it is costing us several hundred dollars in extra utility bills and groceries each month they are in our home. Husband’s Jeep was never intended to be a year-round vehicle (it only has a bikini top, no sides/doors) and he would need his truck back for fast approaching winter so they needed to get their own vehicle.

I also baldly stated that I needed her to become employed. I didn’t care if it wasn’t what she wanted to do (business office work) but the Mall shops, Target, WalMart and the Home Improvement stores (retail) would probably hire and she could get similar hours/days as her husband so they could utilize the one vehicle available to them; ours for now, theirs when they get one.

I am also feeling a bit put-upon as it is like pulling teeth to get them to help out around here. We had a big fuss about a month ago and I stipulated that I wanted them to empty the dishwasher every morning. I load it every night before I go to bed. She has not vaccumed, swept or mopped unless I have specifically asked her to. During the Big Fuss, her husband made a comment about us treating them like “slave labor”. I admit to claiming Bro-in-law to help do some big projects around the yard…outlining things I wanted done on his days off. I must have been at fault for stating what I wanted him to do and not asking him to do these things. Now, since he made the ‘slave labor’ comment, I find it difficult for me to bring myself to ask him to do anything. …but I think I’m getting annoyed enough to get over it.

Two months ago, hubby turned 50. I was just recovering from my bout of jaundice and was still tired and weak, but I managed to organize a surprise party at a restaurant for 20 people to join us. I bought a banner to decorate our front yard, a store bought/made cake and took it to the restaurant earlier that day. Made a cake at home to keep the illusion of “nothing going on” going and bought some 50th gifts and cards. We had a great time with our friends at the restaurant.

Now we come to yesterday evening when hubby asked me what I wanted to do for my b-day. Which will be here very soon.

I acted surprised and said: “What, you mean you aren’t organizing a party for me for my 40th?” He looked at me blankly and then stated ‘When do I have time?’ Well, I reminded him how ill I was and was only just recovering when I organized HIS 50th to make it special. He said I was home all the time, he works. So I countered that he had a sister here, who was doing nothing, that could have done all his leg-work. I also reminded him about what happened for my 30th, which if the surprised look on his face was any indication, I could tell he had forgotten about.
Now, I’m going to feel like a right FOOL if he really has organized a party for Saturday night. …but I don’t think he has. He looked thunderstruck when I brought up the idea of a party for me.

So. To not make him feel bad, I just dropped it and blew it off like it was no big deal.

But it is a big deal. Which explains why I was lying in the LR with the kitties and crying for 20 minutes at 2am this morning. He ruined my 30th. He has basically blown OFF my 40th. I find that I really AM upset about it. I don’t know if he will be alive to make it up to me on my 50th. No joke. I just may kill him over this.

Dinner and a movie just isn't going to cut it. That is what we do every year for our b-days. Why couldn’t my 40th be made special like I made his 50th? Did I need to tell him I wanted a surprise party with all our friends, too? I don’t think the hurt is going to go away and I feel like I will be unable to express any enthusiasm for dinner and a movie, so why even bother…

Should I tell him how upset I am over this or just suck it up?

Hoof, you've got quite a bit of stuff built up. I don't think it's really about your 40th, even though it seems you were counting on your husband planning a celebration to make everything better...I wish it could happen that way, but even when we do certain things for those we love, it's never a guarantee that they will do the same for us. I guess that's why they call it unconditional love, you know? But they do other things in their own way to show their love.

And some are just not as good as others at arranging special occasions. May I suggest that if you want a great event for your birthday, that you put yourself in charge of the planning? There's no harm in that! In fact, that's what I'm doing for my 40th next week. I'm not going to do a big party, but you sound like you're due for one--make it the way you want it, I say.

You got some good advice from blue. When I'm stressed out, I don't react to the people around me the way I normally would. Hubby may not have thought you were up for a party. *shrug* Maybe you should start looking for a cheap apartment for the relatives and try to help them into it and out of your house. I love my relatives but I wouldn't last long living with any of them. It sounds lame but try to be positive and ease them out of your home.

Oh Hoof, I'm really sorry to hear that. Perhaps, he'll come through for you. If not maybe a nice hint to your/ his sis or someone else. I dunno. Some people just do not realize or appreciate how much things like this mean to others. If you really believe his heart is in the right place, then help him help you get what you want. If not - go on a nice tropical vacation - and send him the bill with a hearty "Thank You"

I would seriously blow up at him. Well maybe not but I would atleast tell him how important it is to me and how I feel as if he doesn't show his love for me. Its important to celebrate especially during the bad times. Perhaps he is planning a surprise party and he's good at not giving himself away. Just wait and I hope you get the party you deserve.

I also wanted to thank Blue for the advice given...
He really IS very good at keeping secrets, but I feel his excuses given and tone of voice were truthfully bordering on justification and defensiveness, not hiding a secret. I'm not holding out much hope.

As to planning my own 40th...there is no time, it is tomorrow.

He does love me. I know he does. He showed it this summer by caring for me when I was so ill and couldn't wash my own hair. I think perhaps I fell into the well of expecting my husband to read my mind. I'm going to let it drop. BUT...I think I will tell him I want to go bedroom furniture shopping.
I have to make him pay in some way!

Hoof...go for oak!

Sometimes partners can be so obtuse. But you said you know he loves you, and that is important.

I am currently leaving a relationship where I know he stopped loving me...very painful. I knew he wasn't the type to do special things for me, but I felt he loved me.

Hold on to love as long as you can. Hopefully forever. And happy 40th...I will be 42 on Sunday and I have NO IDEA how I got here!

I was trying to think of a delicate way to suggest this. I would never throw a surprise party for my wife. It simply wouldn't occur to me. Apparently it didn't occur to him. I have no idea what sort of communication you guys have in your relationship, but it sounds like there might be room for improvement. I also think letting it drop is a bad idea. I don't think you should hold it over him as leverage, but you need to let him know how you feel and what you were hoping for. Communication really is key.

And I agree with the sentiments so far that the house guests have to go. They are putting an unfair strain on your home life. Your own family should come first. This is also something you should talk with him about, and the TWO of you need to present a united front with whatever you decide together. It shouldn't be you alone blowing up. That makes you out to be the bad guy. You're not.

Sometimes you just have to tell us (men) what it is you REALLY want. And if it doesn't work the first time you just have to drill it into our heads. To heck with this "gee hon, I would really like you to arrange a party for my 40th birthday." No! Try: " I WANT you to give me a really GREAT 40th Birthday Party and if YOU DON'T you will have HELL TO PAY! GOT IT!!!!" Tthen add: "This is what I WANT YOU TO DO FOR ME - Please and thank you!"

Good luck!

VERY good advice! I will have to make note of this... <writes note to self: TELL Hubby what to do.> Wait, he'll say I do that already! :D

Pete would want to kick my a** if I hit her with a suprise party. It would tick me off if she did that to me as well so I guess we understand each other.

:D
I've never been a big fan of surprise parties either. Virtually every one I've been to, the guests all know that the honoree is in the know, but we are going through the motions so the person throwing the party doesn't realize the jig is up.

Men just plain don't give a shit about the significance of particular dates.

They did a study - no, really, they did - and there is such a difference between the abilities of women and of men to remember dates, that it must be built-in somehow.

I believe it. My wife remembers the weirdest stuff. Like what we did a particular weekend 9 years ago, and what I wore, or where we were, or something like that. I remember things too, but don't link them up in my brain that way.

She will remember who we saw a movie with 10 years ago, but won't remember the plot of the movie we saw.

There's a funny commercial where a guys wife changed the house alarm code to their anniversary, that is a nightmare scenerio.

My wife is really nice to me. When we married, she suggested we engrave our wedding date on the inside of our wedding bands. I know our wedding date, but check inside the ring every once in a while just to be safe.

For my first marriage I somehow managed to have first date, proposal, and marriage all land on the same date. Women felt it was romantic. Men knew it was practical.

Madman - Right on!!
Griff - you too
I agree that it comes down to the communication between the two of you and knowing what the other really wants. Personally? I'll take the furniture - it lasts a lot longer and I can enjoy it with my partner many many times over versus a one night thing. Oh and for the record, I got an Eagles T-shirt for my 40th - no party, no cake (cept from my mom) Nothing - same as my 30th. Thats just another reason I will not be spending any more birthdays or any other days with her ;)

My suggestion is to start changing your communication style. Make it a 'from this day forward' kind of thing. The very next time you have the opportunity to express how you feel about something, take a deep breath and just say it. If it's not fine, don't say 'yeah whatever, that's fine.' I used to have a hard time telling anyone something I thought they did not want to hear. But I have learned that to be fair to yourself and your own peace, you have to be honest with other people. If you're not, then your constantly lying to people and that's not right.

And find an opportunity to tell your house guests that it has gone way past the original offer of temporary housing.
Not to get everyone all upset and yelling, but it has to be all right to start a conversation about it and calmly say 'this is causing a whole different set of problems from the problems it was intended to solve. Let's talk about how we can change this. No offense, but I'm not happy with this living arrangement any more. And you know what? They may act offended and go away mad, but they have to know you are right. They don't have to like it but they won't truly dislike YOU for being honest with them.

This is way past my two cents I know, it's more like $1.50 now, but IMHO you should just talk with your husband. Tell him what you told us, what you expected, what you wanted, your disappointment, and tell him you have a problem expressing yourself honestly. You deserve to get what makes you happy, but people can't read yourmind.. you have to ask for it.

Hoof - so sorry to hear how things have worked out, especially with your health and all.

My :2cents: matches much of what is already posted here. Do try to take a step back (although in your position I'd be screaming the house down)

Don't say to yourself, "If I ignored his special birthday it would mean I didn't care" - it sounds like he just doesn't get how important it is.

You say he's a good man, and you're the most likely to know. So it's just a case of man-itis. I know it's hard, I know you deserve more, but sound off here (where most people will sympathise, esp the women!) and face your husband for a Serious Chat with a hug, a smile, and steel within that velvet glove :)

Where does your husband stand on the subject of the relatives moving out? Your current living situation and your illness(es) are far more relevant than a failed birthday celebration ten years ago. You can't change what happened on your 30th, and you can't really affect what will happen on your 40th unless you take the earlier advice to throw yourself a party (which I also heartily recommend!) But you CAN change the current living situation, and I'd bet a lot of money it's contributing more to the problem than you realize. Imagine what a huge weight off your shoulders it would be to have your own house back again.

RE: Clodfobble's advice. She is wise behind her ears. I find it hard to believe she is as young as she is and has the perception of someone much, well, wiser.

RE: Madman's advice. Have you considered a red crayon checklist?
;)

I agree... you guys are too old and have too many issues to be taking care of those who can be taking care of themselves.
This may actually solve a lot of the issues you have.
That extra tension in the house builds, it gets in the way of our ability to let steam off, to find times to communicate when we naturally would.
My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, no more... it just did not work with us and we suffered trough out last years of college because of it (much less money), but is was worth it and has been since.

I hope you get through this. Oh, he needs to clean-up after himself, no excuse for that shit. Especially after coming home to an, obviously, spotless house.
*sending loving and healing energy*

:lol2: I was going to suggest the Red Checklist.

If you had done dinner & movie for his 50th, would he have been disappointed? I'm betting, not.
We think differently, so if you want something SAY SO. Please, please, please, tell us what you want.If you add, "or else", you're a bitch......anything short of that is greatly appreciated. :D

I had to laugh...when we want to 'talk'...we find ourselves in the Master BR closet! I pointed out to him that this is OUR house and we shouldn't have to speak to each other in our closet. :rolleyes:

When they first moved in, he told them they were not to fight in front of me. It bothers me very badly (raised voices, cursing and saying hurtful things). He told them if they needed to blow off steam that way they needed to take it outside or down to the barn. If my health suffered (took a downturn) they would be out in a flash and it wouldn't bother him at all to turn them out. Thankfully, they have not fought in front of me...and not been the cause of any medical problems I experienced last summer.

Hubby agrees that they need to get motivated, but he also acknowledges that if his sis cries, he backs off. He and I discussed her and her unemployed status and agreed that she needed to be spoken to. We had planned on doing it together one evening...but that evening didn't turn out to be the best time...and I tackled it privately with the sis the next morning. I was balancing the checkbook and it seemed a good segue to speak with her about our finances and resources being slowly drained by them.

The convo was a good one. No crying, no raised voices. I just calmly stated the facts and what I expected out of her/them.

Now for tonight and my 40th tomorrow fiasco...
I have thought about it all day and realize I have been carrying this around with me for 10 years. It is time to let it go.
My husband loves me. He came home from work tonight and brought up how surprised he was when I mentioned a 40th party last night. His mind just doesn't think that way...and I really cannot expect him to read my mind. We went outside and moved some fencing panels to prepare for bringing my horse home from the trainer's and discussed plans for the property. We had a good evening.
I really am very lucky, he does a lot for me. I don't work. I have a nice home. I have a horse. I have a classic sportscar. A b-day party is NOT the be-all, end-all of my life. He is my life. He is there when I need him most, every time. That is what is important.

I am very glad I behaved like a Thoroughbred. I do not ever want him to think me a Nag.
Thank you all for your advice.
hh

ps...he made a comment this evening that he and his boss (our friend) are cooking up some sort of celebration, but it needs a bit more time...so I'll get some celebratory something...just not tomorrow. We don't have the funds this week.

Yay you!

Edit: HH, somehow I missed your last post. I think my eyes jittered past the last page altogether (see espresso thread).
_________________________________________________
I seriously forgot my own birthday last year. Don't hold it against him, hoof. In the day-to-day grind, guys forget that landmark dates mean something to women. What should really matter is not so much the 30th or 40th bday, but all the days in between.

But make sure you get something decent out of the deal. Forgetting birthdays with zeroes at the end is pretty lame.

And boot the freeloaders. Damn, I pay rent to my own parents along with taking care of the outside of the place. And I'm getting off easy -- it's going to be hard to move out again when dad's well and have to keep track of my own laundry. Maybe if you crafted a letter that outlines how you feel without being accusatory, SIL will take it better than a confrontation. But it might be more about her own fear of failure (or success) that's keeping her pinned down, and not laziness. But if it were me, I'd set a deadline for employment and charge 100 bucks/month or something. Even if you're contributing to the household, it costs money to have people running the electricity, gas, and water, not to mention the simple imposition. They're not owed room and board, no matter the circumstances.

Soemone save me, I'm sounding like my parents. :cry:

I hope you get somethin good for your bday ;)

muahahaha Bruce singing Spice Girls is sooo amusing to me for some reason.


HH - wooo hooo for the way you handled that situation. Well done!!

I'm glad you've come to terms with the situation, and I'm glad that you will be getting something, thats all most of us girls want, is some small acknowledgement, more than usually, but still not much.
For my 17th my mom gave me two small charms and I was taken to lunch by my dad and sis (mom was sick, bro never cares). I wasn't really happy with this b/c normally I would get more and since I had caused a "problem" early in the month, this was their punishment. For my 18th I got $75 towards my car payment (a car I hadn't really wanted/asked for) and my mom said happy birthday to me the day after, I don't even remember getting a b-day dinner.

Ha! I sincerely think it was being able to let off steam here at The Cellar AND reading the advice of others that allowed me to view it from a different perspective and let it go without pouting.

I got it out, and that was good. By getting it out, it wasn't inside to poison everything I touched with it. ...and I truly let it go...as evidenced by the relaxing evening and discussion* hubby and I had about it when he came home from work.

*I think I must be most of the problem of our communication problems. I usually pout and drag-around. I had let it all go...and that made a big difference in how we were able to discuss the situation. I see changes in the future...good ones.

poutin' sexy though isnt it?

Whew, I'm glad you've got a handle on it, 'cause my next suggestion was going to be .......buy another horse. :stickpoke

:eek: How did you know I was contemplating another horse earlier this week?!
Great Googley Moogley! Don't tell Hubby!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!:celebrat: :rainfro: :juggle: :band: :birthday: :gift: :rainbo: :luv:

Yes! Crescent Fresh 40th! The cellar is getting rip roaring drunk tonight in your honor.

:beer: :celebrat: HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY HH!!!! :birthday:

Rather late in the day ... I, too, am glad that communication - with your SIL, with your husband - has proved to be the answer this time. I am a great believe in talking things out, if you can. And belated happy birthday, too!

Thanks for the b-day wishes and apologies for the lengthy delay in responding. I had a friend fly out to visit this week and have been minimally on the internet with her here.

Communication. Well, it looks like we still need to work on communication with the SIL... SIL walked in on me and my friend as I was making disparaging remarks about SIL/BIL to my friend. Granted, SIL only heard a part of that conversation...but she heard the most damning. :redface: I felt awful. I really did!
For about 5 minutes. :neutral:
It took SIL that long to formulate a reply and come back to confront me with the juvenile, yet dramatic, statement of: "Don't bother to cook for us any more."
What she overheard was me making a comment about the crappy Hamburger Helper they purchase to cook on "their" nights. I cannot eat HH as it upsets my digestive system. When I cook, I cook REAL food. Follow recipes and such. Some things come out of a box, (noodles, stuffing, froz/veg) but not the main course. The REST of my comment to my friend was going to include how they haven't used the HH in quite a while, but the last time they (BIL, because SIL can't/won't) cooked was porkchops on the BBQ, but it was over 10-14 days previous...and I was feeling very put upon doing all of the cooking.
So, I was dumbfounded at her response and told her we all needed to sit down and discuss things, and she snarkily replied "Yeah, we will!" So I clapped my hands in a 'shut-up' gesture and replied that we certainly WOULD be having a discussion.
I didn't say it, but I was thinking...my house, my rules and I am going to WIN this one. :mad:

I read somewhere though...if you fight to win, everybody loses. If you fight to reach a solution, everybody wins.

I don't want to fight, but I am very tired of feeling used/abused and especially seeing so little gratitude or assistance from them. They empty the dishwasher. They do their own laundry. I have asked and had SIL vacuum once and asked and had her mop once. I have also asked for specific yard work. NOTHING is done on their own initiative. Well, the garbage gets taken to the outdoor trash and I know Hubby doesn't do that so I assume they are carrying that out. However, they do not assist in cleaning the kitchen after I have cooked dinner meals and I have even cleaned some of their pots/pans after they've made a bkfst or lunch meal for themselves.
I just want them out of my house if they are going to continue to behave this way. I want to help them, but I want to see some effort on their part, too. How can I get this across without alienating them?
hh

PS
...as I was preparing my own dinner this evening (of leftovers from last nights' delicious meal I prepared for my friend) SIL entered the kitchen and I heartfelt apologized to her about what she overheard me say. I really DO feel badly that she overheard my comments. She only looked at me and nodded her head. Didn't say a word and went back to the bedroom she and BIL share.
What do I make of that?

You say, "I'm so sorry. I really value our relationship and I feel that living together is causing terrible problems between a group of people who obviously love each other. Look how horribly I behaved! I don't want to make things worse, so you'll just have to move out of my house that I pay for that belongs to me and not you right away. I hope this will help you forgive my terrible outburst."

..my tongue tip is poking out the corner of my mouth as I carefully copy this down word for word. Good one! :D

Well, I have been trying to finish reading this thread for over a week now and I just never seem able to. But finally I did... and I am glad that you worked out the birthday problems with your hubby. Communication is key! :) Oh, and a very happy birthday! (however belated it was...)

I am so sorry to hear about the problems between you and SIL. She sounds immature and unresponsible. I think you should definitely sit everyone (hubby, Bro, SIL and yourself) down and talk things out. You might mention that the situation is making you resent them, and you don't want that. I am sure you want a good relationship with them and their living with you is making that impossible. Good luck though! I hope all works out all right!

Thanks, I hope it all works out, too.

Well, they returned home from work this evening and have mostly holed up in their room. I guess they don't want to have the discussion tonight, so tomorrow (BIL's b-day) it is. They did hang out a bit in the garage while Hub and I finished installing the soft top on Jeepers. BIL seems comfortable, SIL appeared to be avoiding me.

Later in the house, I overheard SIL ask her hubby if he opened the package of lunchmeat and I replied from down the hall that I had opened it to make my hubby (her brother) a sandwich for lunch. I don't usually eat lunchmeat, so she has nothing to 'dig' me on over that.
Besides, for what we are putting out to keep them, if she wants to fuss over lunchmeat...it will get ugly and go downhill from there.

I lived in a situation where I had to provide ALL of my own foods, kept seperate from the rest of the household AND pay my % of the bills. The food situation is a sore spot with me, and will always be a problem for me because of that situation. I do NOT want to harbor the same feelings here.

I think, to keep the peace, we will have our discussion but I will tone down some of the things I wanted to cover. I think I will outline how they are affecting our finances, request continued help with groceries and perhaps ask them to contribute meats or cook more. I do not want to charge them rent/utilities because I want them to save their money and get out on their own. If they have to pay us, they will be here longer. UNLESS, I keep their money and put it aside and give it back to them (or a portion of) to assist in getting them out. The biggest item...I think we need to give them an Out-Date.
No more bar nights on Friday/Saturday. They need to save their money and do those fun things when they're on their own, not while we are supporting them.

Oh, it is going to be so hard to be the bad guy...but I am certain it will have to be me. Hubby is a push-over if he see's Sis cry.

I also spoke with my mother today and she suggested letting Hubby handle it because it was his invitation and his family...but like I told her; if I wait for him, it won't get done. I need to push the envelope and get it on the table for discussion and resolution.

Thanks, everyone. I know I've dragged my feet over this, but it is nice to continue to get encouragement and advice. It keeps me moving in the right direction.

Maybe if you get it all down on paper in a concise but complete outline, it will firstly let you clarify in your head exactly what the problem is and how you feel about each item. Secondly, be able to discuss in detail how you feel with Mr Hoof Hearted and get his input.

After you, or is that y'all?, decide on what must be done, you can discuss your view/position/plan, with SIL & BIL as a united front. No appeal, that's the way it must be. If they are offended, then they are offended by you both.

Best for all, methinks.....good luck. :grouphug:

You must be psychoti...er...um...psyCHIC! Yeah, psychic. That's the word I wanted. :D
I wrote down everything I wanted to cover on Friday. I have been ammending and reading it to get everything clear in my head. I want to cover the key points but be able to do so in a non-judegmental manner. Sticking to the facts, discussing how things are making people feel (don't know what resolution we'll get on those...) and setting firm dates.

She came thru the LR just a bit ago to get a soda and stopped and spoke with me, saying she hadn't forgotten that we all needed to talk and I was able to let her know I felt we all needed to sit together and discuss everything and that I didn't want it to deteriorate into any arguments. There are just things that I feel need resolution and I'm sure they have things they'd like to discuss, too. I want it to be an open meeting, but there will be some tough decision making going on. The months are wearing on and tempers are getting shorter...we need some boundaries to contain everyone.
...or a door to push them through. ;)

It seems that waiting for the initial 'anger period' to pass allows for better thinking and refining of what one wants to say. I think we'll come through this pretty well.
Thanks for all the advice,
hh