Friends of the Opposite Sex
 

My friends are guys usually. I like guys but I find myself in a strange triangle. No big deal. No crisis just a new learning experience for them both. Truth be known I am neglecting my non sexual friend more which makes me feel guilty too. I've not been in this situation before where there were undercurrents of feelings comming from both sides.

How do some of you manage your relationships and please share them.
thanks....

Guy friend = guy that is waiting to fuck you.

I don't agree.

I guess since I was raised solely by a woman, I can enjoy having women as friends without having to get into their panties.

Exactly. We are not all dogs.

yes we are.

now, obviously there are no absolutes, so there are exceptions, but if we're talking about an attractive female, her single male friends ARE waiting to fuck her. they're waiting for the boyfriend to slip and piss her off so that they can console her. Howard Stern says so.

Ok... do your gobble baby...
I had many, beautiful, female friends that I did not want to fuck.
Howard would fuck a rabid hedgehog if given the right moment.

He has regreted his non actions of his last visit he said.

This is comforting.

It's only the old feeble men that come on to me at work in the most grossiest way. I think they ARE dogs.





ok ...here it goes......the 'friend' I have had for 5 years. He lives in Canada. He has visited twice. My boyfriend is my age. We are compatible. We've been going together since this summer. He wants me sexually and I want him. They both make me laugh and are outgoing. The canada friend dosn't want me sexually but seems to not appreciate me having a boyfriend either although he has lots of friends of both sexes himself. My boyfriend is a guys guy who probably wouldn't have a 'girl friend' outside of sex. Oh it's a little confusing when I think about it so I can't really wrap my head around the undercurrents to write about it clearly. sorry about that.



Well I guess neither likes to hear about the other. It seems to hurt them both. I have had boyfriends before and there wasn't this undercurrent of jealousy I am getting from the both of them.

....which is the bottom line I suppose.....


[edit- now I'll stop talking about me...I want to hear more of YOUR relationship storys]

I prefer (or used to prefer) to think of male friends as 'friends with benefits'. These days all our friends are married etc, so it's not the same, but back in the day, I guess sometimes there was sexual tension and sometimes there wasn't. If I didn't like or enjoy what I was feeling, I'd just change the dynamics. Jealousy didn't really fit into it though. I don't recall ever having to deal with that side of things.

This part jumped out at me.
Am I interpreting this correctly? "I'm not going to have sex with you, and I don't want anybody else to either."

I'm with you Steve - thats how I read it. Maybe the two guys just don't like each other.

My personal story, A female friend of mine has tried to get me into bed several times to no avail. Its not that I'm not attracted to her either - she is nice and attractive, but I am in a committed relationship and have no interest in breaking my word to my SO. I have been on the other side of that scene too many times with my ex-wife and I would never want to inflict that pain on anyone - ever. It still hurts and its been years.

Maybe he thinks her boyfriend takes too much of her time and not enough for him?

I've only had one girl "friend." I just wasn't into her.

The rest were what LJ said.

This part continues to jump out at me. Thus the confusion.

Stay committed. Or end the relationship to get with the other guy. Please don't cheat, it's wrong on all levels.

90% of my friends are male, and the girls that I am really really close with are guys-girls, so not the princessy type or the bitchy type....but the type that will sit down the pub, burp, fart and swear (I love my girls!!).

I kinda agree with LJ on the whole. Over the years, the majority of them have tried it on when I have been single or having trouble in a relationship, but there are exceptions.

Anyways, have the guys met?

I'm tipping your partner isnt comfortable with your non sexual friend because you have known him longer and partner dude probably doesnt believe friend dude doesnt want to shag your brains out given the opportunity.

Non sexual dude is a bit pissy because shaggie takes up alot of your time and you probably do the *we did this* and *we are doing that* conversations.

How to handle it?? Dont rub your partners nose in the friendship, but continue the friendship for sure!!! Sometimes with male or female friendships v's relationships.....you have to juggle because both parties dont get on.

Make time for your frienship when your partner isnt around, but dont hide it or he will get suspicious.

How can you say that and also say he doesnt want you sexually? I read that as he is pissed he didnt try and step the friendship up to something more last time he was around?

Nope but I think it would take some tension away. Not being able to size someone up is the problem I can see. I wish they could meet because they are both funny guys and outgoing.They both are musicians and are people lovers. I can envision me soon becoming a wallflower if they did meet. :rolleyes: I am reserved and not so much a lover of all humanity.
[/quote]
precicely
I am sure that is the problem and didn't utter a word about it today.:cool:
I hold true friends to close to my heart to ever just to let go...especially since I am not breaching any line...unless a loving friendship is a line.
Exactly
but he told me so when he visited. He is non sexual. (if that makes sense)

Ducks, I think you must be just as easy to get along with in real life too. Thanks... :luv:

They both feel you're cheating on them. Don't discount the emotional, it's as least as important as the physical. ;)

^ Bruce is right ^

But I don't think it has to be viewed as cheating, as long as you are completely open and communicative to both about your intentions. It sounds like you are. Perhaps your partner needs a little time to adjust, through which you will need the big can-o-patience. And by open and communicative, I don't mean necessarily a play by play to ease the fears of your mate. I just mean that if you act as if you have nothing to hide, represent that you will talk about anything if asked, then I think the questions will come, followed by understanding.

I don't think you ought to dump one guy or the other...it doesn't sound like you have the same kind of relationship with the Canadian guy. If you dump your platonic friend, you might later resent the decision and feel that your SO is somewhat to blame, causing problems in the relationship that are somewhat tougher to cope with, IMO. If you dump your SO, you may be missing out on what that relationship could develop into, assuming you get past this and learn from it as a couple.

I'm ditto-ing DuckNuts.

I have been through this WAY too many times. The reasons were always a little different, too.

In one sitch the guy thought he wanted to be more, found he didn't want to be more, but didn't want me having other friends, set me up with scumbags so he wouldn't be jealous and flaunted his own conquests in my face. Needless to say, we are no longer friends.

In another sitch, I thought we were friends, I guess he thought more. Hubby came along and we remained friends. Until the friend got married, wife got jealous and bye-bye friend.

Side note on serious relationships: Good friends always fear that a serious relationship will take the friend away and that is not unfounded. When you get serious or get married, all you want to do is be around and include that SO. It makes it hard to have other -good- friends.

So in the latest incarnation in my life, I've been married 17 years and along comes this 24 year old hunk-o-man. I'm completely smitten. He gets along well with ALL of us, so it's okay. My little heart leaps can stay right where they are with no threat and I can be good friends with this guy without threatening hubby.

But, of course, he is jealous because he doesn't get to share the stories and events we do. I feel the same about him and some of the females he works with. They get friendly, I hear the stories and my heart does a whump-thunk.

BUT, I don't share that! I let my heart be a little bit sad and a little bit happy. I'm glad hubby has friends. It is good for him. And I think he sees it the same way with me.

This is a long way into our relationship, though, but it IS possible!

You know, too, rather than jealousy, it could be a protectionist attitude on the part of Friend. He may be concerned that Boyfriend is just not good enough for you!

If Boyfriend is open to it, I would definitely have them meet. But don't expect them to be tight, especially if they are very similar in nature.

And LOVE the fact that you have good friends that care about you!!!!!

I love it too!

and I am sorry to hear your experience was less than pleasant cm.


@ case. I think we are past this. Thank you.:)

Men that cannot have female friends without wanting to fuck them, regardless of how attractive they may or may not be, are not fully evolved.
You choose how you relate to others.

You're throwing around words without regard to meaning. If a man does not want to fuck an attractive woman, he is genetically flawed. An evolutionary dead end. The next step in evolution isn't going to be abstention from sex.
Why wouldn't you want to have sex with friends? Shouldn't that be better than having sex with strangers or people you don't get along with?

As far as cheating goes,(and it can go a long way) I've found that women love to talk about the emotional being on par with the physical, but I only seem to get really in trouble for the physical...

No, you took what I wrote out of context.
I stated that he is not evolved if he cannot have a friend that he does not want to fuck.
Read much?

These posts are confusing but not to worry. I am easily confused.

I think there are many levels of caring and loving. I think there is alot of room in hearts to care. Being monogamous I keep my body just for one and the one that gets my body gets a tighter deeper commitment. It is just the way I am built.

I know that both women and men can be committed or not regardless of if they have friends of the same sex or not.


ps. I just realized that in one of my first posts i mentioned 'old men'. I was refering to an 80 or 90 year old man I find truly repulsive. Luckily he can only walk with a tilting forward kind of shuffle. I mention this because I actually DO like older men but not THAT old.:3eye:

Well skysidhe, that begs the question - How old or how much older than you do you like?

As far as cheating goes,(and it can go a long way) I've found that women love to talk about the emotional being on par with the physical, but I only seem to get really in trouble for the physical...

I don't think it makes a difference. Cheating physically or mentally is the same.

Have your significant other walk into a bar or restaurant and find you chatting with a member of the opposite sex. You'll be in big trouble.

Oh, and welcome to the Cellar, welthqa. :D

It appears I am genetically flawed. Personally, I call it "mature behavior." I have several female friends. I don't want to "fuck" them. They don't want to "do the nasty" with me either. Now, we don't "hang out" together, we don't really "party" together. More of a "professional" relationship rather than a "social" relationship.

Personally, I don't want to "have sex" with my friends. They're my friends.

:notworthy

When I was in better condition that was not an odd occurrence for us at all. We would just invite her to sit down and join us or vice versa.
Our wedding parties were mixed sex. Friends are about personality and interests for those who think outside of their pants.

I've been thinking about this. I really don't have any close male friends. Never really did.

Before marriage, If I met a guy outside of work or class project, I either dated him or never got to know him to the point that I would call him a 'friend'. Never kept in touch with any past boyfreinds either. I didn't date anyone I worked with. Definately flirted with lots though !!

Since being married the only men I have regular contact with are those I see daily thru work, or in my social circle.
Work: I am friendly (occasionally flirtatious) with men at work, but don't do anything outside of it wiht them, so I wouldn't call them a friend.
Socially: Either they are the husband/SO of someone I or my husband know, thus they are a friend by association, but not primarily MY friend. I don't know any single guys well enough to call them a friend. I definately flirt with several of my husbands friends, and they back.

I'll probably get grilled about this when DH reads this post, but at any given time I have had sexual thoughts at least once, if not multiple times about pretty much any guy I meet. (Unless of course they are really ugly or creepy.) It just may be a quick "Damn, nice calves...yum" to a full blown "Wonder what he'd be like in bed (or on the bar, or )" complete with visualiztion.

You'se guys here are the closest thing I've got to male friends, and frankly I've flirted with most of you at one time or another. And, yes, definately been attracted to lots of you at one time or another.

Sexual tension and flirting is fun, even when two parties know they wouldn't act on the exchanges.

My husband had lots of female friends when we met, and none of them were ugly...I know he'd of gladly messed around with any of them. Anytime I introduce him to a new female aquaintence, I can see him checking her out, and the little wheels in his head turning. I know that he has sexual thoughts about pretty much anyone with two X chromosomes. Pure male he is :rolleyes:.

Well said, rkz!

I like labrat's honesty even more than her butt.

Hmm its pretty close - I think I need to make another comparison first. ;) (hint hint) :p

Sit boy, sit....roll over. Good boy..who's a goo boy, huh, huh, who's a goo boy. You is...ess oo is, ess oo is...:p

If you don't hang out with them, they're not your friends, are they? Those are called co-workers. Genetically speaking, if that were true, then yes, you'd be flawed. It is the natural state for us to consider those we encounter. It can be repressed, yes....but that's so ......repressive. Mature behavior begins when you choose to not act on the impulse. Saying you don't want to is either a lie or a defect.

*the above assumes that you find them attractive

What is cheating mentally? Thinking about having sexual contact with someone other than your spouse/SO? If I was worried about hubby doing that, I'd have nary a single neuron left in my little head to concentrate on anything else. And I'd be an adulterer to the bazillionth degree. :blush:

The only thing I care about is if he acts on that impulse. We are sexual beings, you can't repress that. Trying to is wasted energy that should be spent with your SO! :doit:

I'd think cheating mentally means loving another. emotional cheating.

and i'd disagree strongly with that quote. fucking someone else is one thing....you can get past that. falling in love with someone else will devestate and end your relationship.

I would be more hurt if he shared deep dark secrets with someone else (emotional cheating) than if he screwed her (physical). I know he thinks about other women sexually (mental cheating), and I obviously can't stop that, so why let it get to me? Maybe he is still in love with a former girlfriend, but I trust that it she showed up again, he wouldn't act on those feelings now that he has made a commitment to me. If he did, there isn't a can opener big enough for the whoopass I'd open up on him.

So he'd be safe, then?

I meant what LJ said (strangely enough) when I suggested cheating mentally. I agree that in most cases, relationships can get past an infidelity of the body if that's all it is. Knowing your husband or wife or SO if you want to call them that has somehow given the secret parts of the love you share over to someone else is something that is almost impossible to 'get past'.

but you said you thought it was the same. you changed your mind?

OK...to some people cheating physically is the be all and end all right? What I'm saying is that cheating mentally can be just as bad in some peoples' books...or maybe even worse.

Me personally, I think mental cheating is worse, but then cheating physically can be very hurtful to live with too, so I guess that's why some people might think physical is worse. Hence, both can have similar meanings to different people.

My point was that you can't say that cheating mentally is less hurtful. That's all.

Dammit. DH made fun of me for that too when he got home. :rolleyes:

There wouldn't be a recycle box big enough for the can of whoop-ass I'd open up on him with my buns of steel...

Cocks. :p

Having been cheated on (physically) by my "soon-to-be-ex" I believe that the pain caused by the physical is directly related to the mental. It crushed me and all I worked so hard for. I thought that she appreciated me for working multiple jobs so that she could stay home and be with the kids and thats how I was betrayed! Thats the word - betrayal. I think the key here was that she basically betrayed me and when she was the only person that I could count on 100% once thats gone - its VERY difficult to get back.

I never looked at her the same and I strongly feel that is the main reasoon we split up. Even though it took years for it to happen, I tried for a long time to get passed it, but was unable. Maybe I'm not as good a man as I thought. I dunno.

Fucking thing timed out on me... Lost my post.

Oh well. Probably a good thing anyway. Since I still feel obgligated to answer this bullshit - I will.

In a nutshell and to the point. What are you talking about? Are you saying co-workers can't be friends? Are you saying that because I don't want to "fuck" my friend that there is something wrong with me? That's pretty "fucked up." Truth is, I may be curious about what they "look like" but that doesn't say anything about wanting to "fuck them." Maybe you would like to "fuck" your neighbor, co-worker or second cousin. If that would be "normal" behavior - Oh, "Genitically Speaking" for you.

Genitically speaking? :thumb: Oh, that's good! Really good! Please, explain Genetics to us - Genetically Speaking that is. Are you sure the correct term for this is "Genetics?" Try "Human Behavior."

Personally, I don't think you have a scientific clue about what it is you are trying to talk about.

So, don't assume you know someone when you don't that someone at all.

i hear you saying that you're all pissed of because i dared to contradict you.

you were the one that brought up genetics. i merely agreed that if your statement that you have no desire to fuck your friends was true, then yes, you would be flawed. our genetics include the desire to procreate, or they end when we die. the monogamy we practice is a social construct. i don't pretend to know you. i don't really care to, if you are as stupid and dishonest as you sound, either.

You just described my walk.

Pissed off? I wasn't pissed. Contradict? Jim, I don't care if you agree or disagree with me. Why? Easy. I don't have to live with you.

I guess if it were me and one, two, three... ten... thirty women in the world then I would probably have a hayday with all my "friends." Since that is not the case. You can fornicate with all the "friends" your desire. Do I want to have any more kids? No. Why? They become teenagers.

This is why I love forums on the Internet. An endless supply of theoretical philosophies to pass from one person to the next. What the hell, if it sounds good - go for it.

Guess I'll go have sex with my neighbors wife. Hmmm, should I ask her first? :3_eyes:

Well, back to lurking.

sure sounded pissed.

I always sound pissed. Just ask my friends. :D

Note: A new record for me... two posts in one day! :thumb: