Make fun of the opposite sex via email
 

i get a lot of this kind of thing. a fair amount from bruce, and some from some dude named Stu in minnesota who's got me on his email list.

AND

What were the two stores the woman skipped?

Three.

Spencer's Gifts, Tobacco Barrel, and the janitor's hallway/emergency exit.

And the Gap. She didn't get the pants she went there for.

.

From Bruce? Naaah. Not our Bruce...Must be a different Bruce.

well, to be fair....he sends the good stuff to jinx.....
but here's one he sent me that applies:

I think she meant to say 'bacon.' (Post #7)

Why Men Are Like Computers
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter

What Not To Say To A Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

What Men Mean
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you" = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out

Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now

I have something to tell you = Get tested

I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again

I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk

I think we should just be friends = You're ugly

I've learned a lot from you = Next

How a woman's brain works
 

http://www.massagedepot.com/images/hswmnsflowchart.gif

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

Yes, they can be blue.

I sent these particular examples to Bruce. I think your sister sent them to me...

well that little sentence made me laugh. :D

News flash! Being a "needle-dick" shown to have surprising advantages

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
nothing you already told her twice

Why do women wear white during a wedding?
All kitchen appliances come in white.

Why don't women need umbrellas?
It doesn't rain between the kitchen and the bedroom

God said, " Adam I could make you the perfect mate, but it will cost you an arm and a leg" Adam replied," What can I get for a rib?"
What do all the women in the battered women shelter have in common?

they don't know when to shut up

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
What! that bitch can cook in the dark.

How do you tell a woman is from Texas?

She has a hicky and a black eye at the same time.

Why don't women have brains?

They don't have penises to keep them in.

Oil change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:$20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total:$21.00

Oil Change instructions for men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is n ow on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35 ) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts:$50.00
DUI:$2500.00
Impound fee:$75.00
Bail:$1500.00
Beer:$20..00
Total: $ 4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

Okay I get that this is dissing the opposite sex, accurate or not. But I really don't get this one.

Women = kitchen appliances. Therefore women should be the proper color for kitchen appliances.

Only at a wedding? Meh. I don't mind sexist jokes as long as the person telling them doesn't have a sexist attitude. But bad jokes - never acceptable!

I've decided it means I don't have to cook after Labor Day.

An 85 year old woman has been widowed for a number of years, so her granddaughter fixes her up with a 90 year old man for a blind date.
The day after the date, granddaughter calls her gradma and asks how the date went.
"I had to slap him 3 times." Grandma says.
"Why," asks the granddaughter, "did he get fresh?"
"No," says gramma, "I thought he was dead!"

:lol:

That's funny!