Am I Lazy or Crazy?
 

I feel like I'm losin' it -- I need a pat on the back, or maybe a kick in the ass. This is gonna be a long post, I'm afraid.

My mom died in December 2007. I'm an only child. This is good because there's nobody else to divvy things up with. This is bad, because there's nobody else to HELP. Well, except for my husband, and he's pretty busy. So all the executor stuff, all the packing/sorting/tossing/cleaning of her belongings has fallen to me.

Mom had a condo, a fairly big one, with 2 bedrooms, a 2 car garage and 2 walk-in closets. Mom always was kind of a sentimental packrat, though we did get rid of at least half her crap when we moved her from the house where I grew up. But there's still plenty. Going through it, donating things, packing things, moving things, has been a monumental job.

Straight away, I came into some funds from mom's estate -- and while I grieved her loss and wrapped my mind around this chunk of money and the responsibility that came with it, it suddenly hit me: I'd go back to college! I had always felt like such a loser for not finishing my degree. I knew that mom would have wanted that. So that's what I did. I absolutely THREW myself into college, putting in 110% at least. It's almost been obsessive.

Therefore, I've been incredibly busy the past year or so. Way too busy. And looking back, it's quite possible that going to college full time was not the brightest thing to do when I had a condo to clean out and sell.

18 months later, it still sits vacant.

For 18 months, I have been paying HOA fees, utilities, insurance and taxes on this stupid condo, because I have been "too busy" to get it emptied, cleaned, and sold.

I am absolutely ashamed of myself. This has been a terrible burden hanging over my head, but I can't seem to make myself do what I need to do!

At this point, it's almost empty inside except for a few things that need packed up and a few big things I need help moving, plus there's a ton of stuff in the garage. I figure I can put it on the market with things still in the garage, as long as the inside is empty. I just finished painting the bathrooms and tomorrow I plan to paint at least one bedroom. Damn, painting is hard work.

It's just so HARD. Yeah, I sound terribly whiny, but it just is. I want to pay someone to paint the place, but that seems like such a cop-out. I painted every bit of her house before we sold it about seven years ago; I can do this too. But I will pay someone to clean the disgusting carpets.

Now, all this stuff has to go somewhere, and I am terrible about not wanting to get rid of it. Every time I put things in a pile for a donation, I hear this voice in my head - it's my grandma, who wasn't very nice to me, saying: "you're getting rid of that? how ungrateful, don't you appreciate anything they gave you?" or "How could you get rid of that - that was your MOTHER'S!" (or, your father's!) Everything, I swear, has such memories attached to it. I miss my parents so much!

So it is piled in my family room, my office/sewing room, and in my garage. And there is more to come.

Furthermore, I cannot do anything to improve my house while the condo is there. Every time I think maybe I'd like to paint a room here, I remember I still have to paint the condo. All these projects we have planned - redoing our bathroom, replacing the kitchen floor, etc. - all must wait till the condo's done.

I feel like such a horrible person, in that catch-22 way. I feel guilty for wasting money and time and drawing this out longer than it needs to be, and I feel guilty for wanting to get it over with! I feel guilty for hanging on to stuff and keeping my family from having a nice home, and I feel guilty for wanting to get rid of the stuff.

I am totally going nuts. Totally. :thepain:

I the end, your folks are in your heart and the rest is just stuff. Sell the stuff and use the money to hire a painter. When the stuff is gone you'll feel better, life will be easier and your folks will still be in your heart.
Would I lie to you? :headshake

It was hard going through and getting rid of some of my mum's stuff when she died, but it was for the best. My brother and I went through and picked out what we wanted to keep, and then we let the word out in the family about other stuff, then we gave the rest to charity and finally got in a mini-skip and dumped the rest.

It was for the best, although hard to begin with.

I say pay someone to do the painting. Give yourself a break. You're not superwoman, and I doubt anyone expects you to be. Besides, your mum left you some cash, so why not use it?

OK. Know anyone who wants to buy 150 empty beer cans from the 1970's, a couple dozen 8 mm Laurel & Hardy movies, and about 500 vinyl records? How about a few hundred paperback romance novels, several boxes of 70's and 80's self-help books, 40 paper boxes full of assorted fabric scraps..........

Ebay is your friend!

There's all sorts of kooks out there who'll pay good money for that. Maybe even enough to pay the painters.

Yeah, I plan to put a lot of it on eBay and/or Craigslist. I just don't want to do that till I'm done with the condo itself and at least have it on the market. I'm not organized enough to deal with all of it at once. :(

Do you have a friend that could sell it for you... perhaps for a percentage?

I'll take the vinyl... Pooka will take the fabric

As for the painting thing, I say just find a weekend, get a couple friends and/or relatives together, spring for some pizza and beer, and just do it all at once. Tell your compatriot painters nice stories about your mother as you work. Let 'em know who she was and the good things she did in her life.

Sort of a combined eulogy and painting weekend.

Seem like the wrong way around to me. Get rid of the contents first, then dela with the condo.

You might go through the lot, pick out one or two boxes full of keeping things, then put the rest up as a job lot on Ebay, with a few photos and estimates of what is in there, buyer to remove.
Do not listen to the voices in your head. Or if you must, don't be bullied by them.

Yes, it WAS my mother's, but it isn't anymore, it is time to let it go.


Then get the painters in, then cleaners, then, I suggest, rent the condo out.
Now is NOT the time to sell real estate unless you absolutely must. Get some tenants, even at supercheap rent, to cover the maintenance costs, then in a few years, look at selling. What are you going to do with cash, right now?
We can reasonably expect a strong surge of inflation, and devaluation, of the US$ over the next 5 or 10 years, you want to be holding assets, not cash denominated bonds.
So, you'd invest your cash in, oh, I don't know, maybe a condo or something ....

Keep it, rent it, sell it later.

:2cents:

That is a stunningly good idea.

Painting parties can be really good fun. The therapeutic aspect of it being also some kind of mini-wake might be good too.

Juni, stop being so hard on yourself honey. This was never going to be easy, emotionally I mean. It;s really no wonder stuff is hanging over you and feeling too much. It's wrapped up with so much emotion. You made the right decision (imo) in going back to college. I bet your mum wuold be so proud that you did. That beats getting your act together on her stuff into the ground twice over. Ask your friends for help. Keep doing bits as and when you can.

You may need to develop a slightly more brutal streak on getting rid of some stuff. But that doesn't mean it'll feel easy, honey, it probably won't. Most importantly, though, you need to give yourself a break. Don't be so harsh with yourself. Nobody ever finds this stuff easy and it's twice as hard for an only child. It's right that most of your attention has been focused on your studies: that's far more time-bound than any of this other stuff. You don't get to put off deadlines and exams, they come along when they come along, regardless.

Keep us posted on how you get along. *hugs* You're doing great: look at yourself, you're on track to finish your degree! Keep that thought in mind. Shine it up now and again. There's a reason you chose to do that first.

LOL ... I just remembered the Simpsons episode where Ned Flanders needs help clearing out the things of his late wife Maude.

Get a mulcher, point one end out the window into a rubbish skip, and let fly.

Two hours, done.

Well, maybe not the thing to do, but it's an idea.

This could be an interesting opportunity for another dwellar...


As UT said - missed that post.

Aw, you guys. So thoughtful.

You're not lazy and you're not crazy. Cleaning out a house is a thankless task under the best of circumstances, and this is far the best of circumstances.

Is there somebody you could enlist to help you? Not physically, so much as in triaging the stuff with an objective eye. On the other hand, it's up to you how much emotional effort you put into deciding what stays and what goes. If you select some things you know you want to keep and trash the rest (and there are outfits that will carry it out and haul it away for you), nobody will fault you.

Laurel & Hardy 8mm films might actually have some value to collectors. Their fan club is called "Sons of the Desert."

Thanks, everyone.

I have so much emotional baggage along with this, it makes the physical baggage pale by comparison. :) I mean...seriously. I remember when my dad was depressed after his stroke and started talking about all his stuff that he'd collected through the years. "Just take all those cans downstairs and dump 'em into the recycle bin," he said. Boy, that hurt. Yeah, they're just beer cans, but there were so many of them, lined up on shelves all around his basement den, all during my childhood, so much fun to look at. And the LP's. And the silent 8mm movies. And the boxes of old camera equipment.

My mom's thing was crafts, so along with the umptyzillion boxes of fabric (and it's not GOOD fabric, necessarily, a lot of it is weird polyester crap, I need to go through it) there are also umptyzillion boxes of notions - trims, buttons, patterns, quilt supplies though she never even made one quilt (she always MEANT to and felt, I guess, that if she bought enough quilting shit it might make itself?). And also tons of other various craft supplies. And BOOKS on how to make crafts. The thing is, I like sewing and crafts too (I even DO make quilts) so I hate to get rid of it, but I don't have room for all of it at once.

Also, mom liked to collect items that were sold/given as premiums by the newspaper where she worked for 40 years. Multiples of the same item in many cases. So we have at least six boxes of glasses and also coffee mugs, director's chairs, sweatshirts, playing cards, serving trays, and I don't know what else that say "The Cincinnati Enquirer."

Also tupperware out the wazoo. And all the kitchenware that was used during my childhood, like this set of pastel Pyrex dishes I can't bear to part with because they were on the table every night, you know?

I don't really have friends locally who can help. Most of them are very busy with jobs and kids and I'd hate to ask. Tomorrow's the last day of school, so maybe my kids can come help out. I think and 11 and 13 year old are capable of painting a room, as long as there's lots of drop cloths. :) They don't want to go over there though, it's too sad for them.

Renting - I don't know if I can do that, the HOA I think has rules against it.

I was thinking about keeping the condo and using it as an office for my business - go over there every day like a normal job and work; I'm a freelance writer, see, and right now my office is this dreary little room in the basement. It would, after all, only cost me what I'm paying now (plus a little bit more for utilities, and Internet service) and would make me feel a lot more professional. But hubby didn't like it, said it was excessive for my needs, and I guess he's right.

It's in a very good area, and I think it will sell even despite the economy. I can afford to leave it on the market till I get a big enough offer; after all, I've waited this long!

Well, gotta go paint. I'm a messy painter, I always get lots of it on myself too. :) And UGH I bought a 5-gal bucket, which is so heavy...

I went through some of this last year when my dad died. Sometimes, the worst feelings come from throwing something away. If Mom (or Dad) had use for a particular item, it would feel like a repudiation of them to make it value-less in a dumpster. So if it doesn't get snapped up on eBay or craigslist, consider taking it down to the local goodwill or salvation army.

Someone will find value in it. Make the question for yourself: is this something I value, or would someone else value it more? Then emotionally you've done the right thing. And you can imagine Mom's collection of Cincinnati Enquirer stuff populating the bedrooms of college students everywhere. Your childhood corelle dinnerware being used to serve some other kid's after school snack.

It's still not easy, though!

I second the suggestion to make heavy use of Goodwill and Salvation Army. I really, really have a hard time throwing away things with even the slightest useful value left in them--but if I know that some poor family will be getting use out of it, then I actually feel good about getting rid of stuff I don't need. An emotional attachment is harder to overcome, but just keep reminding yourself what an impact a simple set of glasses could have on a family that doesn't have any. Or there are places like nursing homes full of people who love to craft but don't have the materials available anymore. Can you just imagine the joy that would come from a box full of quilting supplies for them?

I already have taken a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I did that right away with her clothes - bagged 'em up and trucked 'em over before I could have second thoughts. :) 'Cause no WAY would I wear my mom's clothes; let's just say, her style and mine do not mesh.

I was over there for a few hours today, just got back. I decided it's time to have an estate sale, so that's what we're gonna do next week, the kids and me. We're gonna get some tables and shelves together, organize and price the stuff, and try not to get emotional while people paw through it. I offered to split the money three ways with them if they help out. We'll see how THAT goes.

Oh what a smashing idea Juni! Let us know how it goes (and maybe get some pics of the stalls set up?)

no but srsly, what are the records?

They are round disks that music used to be recorded on before iPods and CDs. :D

The records are a huge collection from the 50's and on, big band, orchestra, jazz, 70's easy-listening stuff. There are also some 78's. Must be over 200 of them altogether. My uncle already went through it and got what he wanted before my mom died, so probably there's nothing spectacular left behind.

yes, but I think they're a bit far away from you. My friends bought a 1970s house a coupl eof years ago and are completely living in the 70s -decorations, clothes, kids toys -the lot.....

LOL, have I got the stuff! My house was built in 1965, but some things are just better left in the past. :)

Well, I've been informed by the hubby that he hates yard sales so I shall be on my own for this project. Big surprise, eh?

Dunno what ELSE he expected me to do with all that crap. Keep it, I guess. He has joined the voices in my head on more than one occasion, saying "aw, but it's cool to have that old stuff. It was part of their life."+

Sure, but where do we PUT it all?

See, he doesn't have any of that because his parents' house blew up in 1989. Yeah, I mean it actually EXPLODED. It was a gas line malfunction, I think. They were banged up but OK. He had already moved out, but you know when you're 22 you probably don't have all your stuff - you leave all of it at your parents' except what you need for daily life. So, kaboom, no more heirlooms, not even old family photos. :(

Consequently he has an almost obsessive interest in other people's old family photos. He'll cruise antique shops looking for them. Kind of weird IMO. I imagine our grandkids will one day look at all the framed b&w portraits hanging on our walls and think they're part of our family history, when really they're just some random folks whose photos ended up in the junk shop. Maybe I should put stickers on the back: Decoration only - nobody knows these people!

You seriously should.

I agree. Like on a gambling machine: For Entertainment Purposes Only. For effect, throw around some new frames with the fake family photos that come with the frame.

Oh, and I am fascinated by old-timey family photos too. I always wonder what their story was: did they get along, what did they do, where did they go...etc.

Or put a big wanted poster around each one. ;)

Better, make up a fake family history, and really mess with your great-grandkids heads.