How to be happy
 

Interesting article found on CNN this morn. Some of these I do; some of these I need a little work on!

10 instant tips to be happier now

By Gretchen Rubin

(REAL SIMPLE) -- A few years ago, on a morning like any other, I had a sudden realization: I was in danger of wasting my life.

As I stared out the rain-spattered window of a New York City bus, I saw that the years were slipping by.

"What do I want from life?" I asked myself. "Well...I want to be happy."

I had many reasons to be happy: My husband was the tall, dark, handsome love of my life; we had two delightful girls; I was a writer, living in my favorite city.

I had friends; I had my health; I didn't have to color my hair. But too often I sniped at my husband or the drugstore clerk.

I felt dejected after even a minor professional setback. I lost my temper easily. Is that how a happy person would act? Real Simple: How to make positive changes in your life

I decided on the spot to begin a systematic study of happiness. (A little intense, I know. But that's the kind of thing that appeals to me.)

In the end, I spent a year test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and tips from popular culture.

If I followed all the advice, I wanted to know, would it work?

Well, the year is over, and I can say: It did. I made myself happier. And along the way I learned a lot about how to be happier. Here are those lessons.

1. Don't start with profundities. When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditation or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics, like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry.

Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness. Real Simple: 34 low-cost, make-you-smile ideas

2. Do let the sun go down on anger. I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedtime.

Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock.

Expressing anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate.

3. Fake it till you feel it. Feelings follow actions. If I'm feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I'm feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for her and my feelings toward her soften. This strategy is uncannily effective. Real Simple: Small, helpful gestures with big impact

4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness.

The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction.

People who do new things -- learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places -- are happier than people who stick to familiar activities that they already do well.

I often remind myself to "Enjoy the fun of failure" and tackle some daunting goal.

5. Don't treat the blues with a "treat." Often the things I choose as "treats" aren't good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day.

While it's easy to think, I'll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine...a pint of ice cream...a cigarette...a new pair of jeans, it's worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better.

6. Buy some happiness. Our basic psychological needs include feeling loved, secure, and good at what we do.

You also want to have a sense of control. Money doesn't automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help.

I've learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences.

For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness.

7. Don't insist on the best. There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met.

When they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision.

Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until they've examined every option.

Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they're often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

8. Exercise to boost energy. I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself, "I'm just too tired to go to the gym"?

Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook.

9. Stop nagging. I knew my nagging wasn't working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house.

Wrong.

If anything, more work got done.

Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging.

I hadn't realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that. I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example, leaving a new light bulb on the counter); using just one word (saying "Milk!" instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, most effective of all, doing a task myself.

Why did I get to set the assignments?

10. Take action. Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You're born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that's that.

Although it's true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control.

Taking time to reflect, and making conscious steps to make your life happier, really does work. So use these tips to start your own Happiness Project. I promise it won't take you a whole year.

***

After some reflection, I'd like to add a couple of my own:

--Be resilient. Learn to roll with life's punches, get back on the horse, etc. Learn that shit happens and don't sweat the small stuff (as long as I'm milking the cliches).

--Develop significant relationships with people. Close friends and family can be lifesavers, literally.

See? This is what is wrong with people. She's young (no hair dye) married to the "love of her life," has healthy children AND a job she loves AND lives in a city she loves and she's healthy AND has good friends?



she's not happy?

Cry me a river, stupid bitch.

oh come on. She had an epipany on the bus bri!

( totally teasing and with you on this ) big ole yawn.

I think sometimes we concentrate so much on the bad things in life, and don't appreciate what we have.

True but I don't even like what other people write inside greeting cards! Sometimes statements are so pat, so obtuse, so over done.

I must have a jaded heart. I want a truth that's going to hit me right between the eyes. Kinda like what lj said in one of those threads I am too lazy to look up. Sometimes truths about happiness take your breath away. These did not but I get your point cloud. I think YOU have a beautiful mind.

Hey, guess what, Bri? I'm in the same boat. I'm married, employed, reasonably healthy, etc. And. suicidal, on occasion.

Cry me a fucking river indeed.

It does not matter if you are beautiful or rich or successful. Happiness doesn't reside in those things.

And Skyshide, THANK YOU for the wonderful compliment!

I was a little worried as she set off... but actually that seems a pretty good list of advice to me. Don't start with profundities and fake it til you feel it are the kinds of things my mum has taught me.

being "occasionally suicidal" wasn't on that cupcakes' list.

All this ever got me was mental fatigue from the effort of faking it.

Whether "I'll feel good" or whether "this will . . . make things better" are not really the same question. It may well be that a glass of Scotch will make me feel better, but won't really improve the situation. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have the drink. (It also doesn't mean I should.)

Wait, what? Isn't this exactly what we aren't supposed to do in #5?

The fake it thing really does work. It may not make you happier per se, but it can certainly alleviate stress and make the people around you happier.

#5 is very important, and a hard lesson to learn. It's about the long and short term effects.

#6--I had to do a double take on that, too, and I think it's poorly worded. What I got out of that is, "use your money in support of your values and your significant relationships."

But do you have that same mental fatigue when you're not faking it too?

I think the difference between number 5 and number 6 is avoiding meaningless indulgences, versus not being afraid to spend money on concrete items. The booze/cigarette/ice cream is gone once you consume it, and its effects are basically over. The big-ticket item, however, might get used again and again and again. Really, the two pieces of advice are for different personality types. I am definitely the type who will not buy something even if I can afford it, simply because I am a miser. Number 5 does not apply, because I basically don't treat myself to anything, ever, :) but number 6 definitely does.

I also noticed the tension between 5 and 6. I think Clod is wise on this - there are differences between the two.

Faking it works. If you are down, FORCE yourself to hold your face in a big silly grin for 30 seconds. This does cause the release of neurochemicals, esp seratonin, that are associated with feeling good. Seriously.
Do the grin in private, though.

Number seven is something that I have been very slowly learning. Don't wait for the perfect thing, get something that WILL DO. Otherwise you'll be waiting for ever, and have nothing.

#4 which is essentially, break out of your rut and learn something new, is very valuable.

#7--I'm a maximizer, so I have to work on this

In America, '#2' is a euphemism for poop.

..

That's cute, dar. :)

My solution to finding happiness was to walk away from "traditional life." By this, I mean the usual: living in a city, commuting to/from work with a million other sad lemmings, doing a job that you don't really care that much about (or actively HATE) for 40 hours a week so you can have two days off to do pretty much nothing of interest or value, before you have to get up again on Monday morning and repeat the drudgery for yet another week.

Sure, I had a gorgeous condo and made $42,000/year, but was I really happy? Not for a second.

So I chucked it all. Moved to the country, planted a garden (or four). Created a HOME - a forever place. Found a pet-sitting job (great work, but quite sporadic), got some writing gigs, took on other part-time jobs as needed/available. Scrambling most of the time for work (the ultra-sucky economy isn't helping at all), but somehow managing to keep afloat.

Today, I haven't a spare nickle to my name, but I've discovered that nothing makes me happier than having a spastic chicken follow me around the yard as I tend my garden. Seriously. Sometimes, I just sit on the porch swing and drink it all in, astounded that such simple things can be so rewarding.

Life is GOOOOD.

How I be happy:

I try try try to remember, when I am decidedly unhappy, that I will be happy again. Sometimes that's the hardest part.

But right now I'm pretty damn happy so what do I know. ;)

I have done very much the same. All 'cept the spastic chicken :)

Focus, recenter, realize what is truly important is the many things you take for granted everyday. PAY ATTENTION because tone never knows when it will all be ripped from you and the "plan" you had will radically change in ways you couldn't possibly imagine.

What makes you happy is the compilation of the things that on the surface may appear mundane or unimportant ... yet they are the most important.
Drink it all up for your cup may soon be filled with a bitter reality you never thought possible.

The things that make me happy today would not have even registered on my "happiness scale" a few short months ago.

I appreciate you posting the article, Cloud.
But I'm in the same mood as Bri when it comes to reading the self-satisfied journalistic smug-bombs.

We say it better in the Cellar, without anyone having to pay a dime :)

Of course, l'il Miss Bus Ephiphany Girl probably never suffered from depression. Probably was never fat, or ugly, or invisible or lonely. It's not her fault. I just have a chip on my shoulder about journalists - probably because they write for a living and I envy them :)

Exactly...a general feeling of ennui and disguised disgust with yourself for being bitchy because everything on earth isn't going your way does not qualify for unhappiness. Not the kind of unhappiness that people suffering from depression go through. It all just seems a bit shallow to me.

I do agree that at times you can talk yourself through low moments: but when the demon depression sets in, there's no talking to yourself about anything.

I mean, please.

Thanks, Shawnee and Sundae, for getting my meaning. I feel Pie was offended but I meant exactly what you two just said. Li'l Miss Bus did NOT mention crippling depression or suicidal thoughts. that would have changed the game, obviously. No outward measure of 'happiness' can touch you when you are depressed. Different animal than the Bored Rich Girl Having It All syndrome.

This is not a list of 'ways to cope with depression'. It's not aimed at depressives hoping for a cure. It's a general list of ways to be happy, aimed at people who, for whatever reason, just aren't.

If she'd marketed this as a sure fire way to cure depression I'd agree with every word you guys have said. But she isn't. At what point did this woman deserve the judgement of being a Bored Rich Girl Having it All ?

Just by being made by a cookie-cutter which has mass-produced millions others just like her. I'm sticking with "wahhhh."

A cookie cutter? She never made a claim to have come up with it all herself. She claimed to have test driven some of the suggestions, including 'wisdom of the ages' and this was what she learned from it. She used herself as a test subject and came to these conclusions about which of the methods helped her.

Some of that list I would agree with. Some of it I have come to myself over the years. Faking it til you feel it can help. I find it can anyway. Not when I am in the throws of depression no...but then depression and unhappiness aren't the same thing, and, as I already said, this is a list of ways to try and be happier, not to get through depression.

Ok, then, this:

What studies? She has a moment of enlightenment then trots out every cliche for happiness formula I've ever heard in my life. Don't go to bed angry? My grammy told me THAT when I got married. Of course, I didn't tend to get angry if hubby didn't take the trash out: I tended to concentrate on things that were actually important in life. It didn't fare well for me in the end, but I certainly didn't sit around whining that my life wasn't quite perfect enough. Meh.

If you read the piece again I think you'll find she says Do let the sun go down on anger. She's countering the popular piece of advice with her own experience of it and an (admittedly rather fleeting) reference to modern studies.


I have sat around whining that my life wasn't quite perfect enough. Many times. Of course, I wasn't 'whining' as far as I was concerned. I was just very unhappy.

Or are you suggesting that because she has what 'should' make her happy, then she has no right to be unhappy?

Besides, her start point wasn't that she was unhappy, but that she wasn't 'happy'. There's a difference. Why shouldn't she try and be happier than she is? Why shouldn't anyone try to be happier than they are?

Dana, I KNOW she wasn't Rxing for depression. She comes off a bit pat, that's all. some people have real problems, right? She is, in my way of thinking, living an envious life already.

eh. If you don't get it, you don't. I was commenting on the general whininess of some who really, if asked if they'd trade with others, wouldn't. Never mind. This is ridiculous to pursue - as most things really are.

If you'll read my post again you'll see I find her assertion that there are studies telling her it's OK to go to bed mad because her husband went out with the boys to get away from her whiny naggy ass is the real poppycock.

Have to say I agree with the S and the B here.
She lives a life I envy, and while she has every right to whine about it, it sticks in my craw to have her preach about how she copes with her perfect life. Gag.

You'll have to excuse Bri, Shawnee and me though. We are bitter ex-Strawberry Queens going rancid in our inelegant old age. Said with the sting of old fruit, but not actually directed at you!

Oh I fully understand your point Bri. But my point is: just because someone's life seems 'envious' doesn't mean that person is happy. Anyone's unhappiness is real and central for them, regardless of how much their lives may look like a fairytale dream come true. Even if they are a fairytale dream come true. The sad fact some people find themselves confronting is that the achievement of what you wanted doesn't always bring the happiness you might expect.

I once gave Tiki some advice that she thought was just cookie cutter pat nonsense. Set in that list it would read exactly as that. But I was suggesting something that I had come to myself after years of depression and had found helpful to me.

Aging ex-Strawberry Queens who got it going on in our own rights. ;)

She doresn't actually say she was unhappy anyway. She was just feeling like she was in danger of wasting her life. As she says: she had seemingly everything to make her happy and yet found herself losing her temper and not acting like a happy person. There must be many people who go through that experience. Some of them will actually be suffering mild depression without realising it.

Oh shush.
You're being all reasonable and making sense and I can't defend my knee-jerk dislike.
Bitch needs a smack, y'all!

Too much Maury, maybe?

I'm sitting here wondering, "why did I immediately dislike her?"


It's her litany of Wonderfuls. I don't have health, a soul-mate, a job I adore, nor do I live in a city I adore (or one that's even remotely interesting), etc., etc., but I have managed, in my own tiny, pedestrian way, to relish the good and hope for the light when it all fades to black. If THIS woman is unhappy, what hope for I?

The Born Agains would say she needs Jesus.
The Catholics would say Confession.
The pervs, a good lay.
The docs, a bit of serotonin.
The junkies would Rx a fix and a drunk would offer a snort.

We all take our medicine where we find it. I'm glad she's worked thru her ennui (for that it what it seems to this old woman) and can find joy again in, what I can only assume, by her OWN list, is her envious life. Maybe the Hamptons would cheer this dark night of her soul?

(yes, catty. Non, je ne regrette rien la chat)

For me, it was the "poor me for not being downtrodden, beaten, poor, unsafe. Those people get ALL the attention...me and my ilk deserve a voice too! I guess I'll have to find my own unhappiness...now where did I leave it?"

I don't think you have to be a perv to recommend a good lay as a cure.
Just a Dwellar.

FTR Bri - la chatte, le chat. Sorry.

;) I bow to your command of the French language, SG. My mother would be horrified.

Sex is only dirty if you're doing it right.

Sigh. Anyway, I'm so bored. I should be making sandwiches for the homeless or scrubbing at something or writing my Get-Back-At-The-World novel but I can't even be bothered to argue. Should I go to the movies?

I'm not an ex-Strawberry Queen (or a current one, or any other type of former or current queen), but y'all are welcome to come take an instant dislike to stuff like this at my place any time.

There are Strawberry KINGS also. ;)

He can be the Rain King. ;)

Another one. What kind of statistic is that? Fine, write a feel-good article, but don't pretend that science is on your side.

That does seem a rather arbitrary figure :P

I blame Cloud. (j/k)

onwards and upwards, right?

uh, guys? It was just something to think about. I think we can all stand to be a little happier.

And btw, dumping on this journalist, or anyone else, is probably not the route to happiness.

I don't really think there is one sure route, but I do think more awareness about what's important in life, and development of life skills to deal with the vagaries is worth the effort.

I do that every day, as part of the ongoing process to take control of my life and make it better than it was for years. *shrugs* I don't think calling out bad journalism (or just bad writing) is the road to unhappiness, nor do I think journalists don't expect critique: it comes with the territory.

You post it here it will be commented on. Isn't that the point?

Cloud? You need to own up to the fact you made the ex-Strawberries (King and Queens) unhappy.
That is the route to your happiness.

Go on. You'll feel better once you do.
Say you won't do it again.

(stomps foot) No. If I want to make people unhappy, I'll do it!

Wait . . .

that can't be right!

(mutters: I'm happy! I'm happy, goddammit!)

I agree, Shawnee that it was a clumsy piece. I wold not exactly go to the wall to defend this woman's journalistic talents...

It was the way she (and any unhappiness she may or may not have felt) was dismissed simply because she appears to 'have it all' that struck me somewhat.

And this is true: I haven't walked in her shoes. It just gave me a general feeling of distaste, kind of teenage angst carried on far too long. We choose, or don't choose, happiness...unless we have a mental, or physical, illness that precludes such thought processes.

Anyway, I am happy for the discourse. :)

And in the same spirit, I forgive Cloud for her error.
She deserves strawberries as much as the next lady. Or man. Or alien.

Aw shoot, let's just send her Captain Jack.

Wait, what did I just write?!
If anyon'e getting the Cap'n it's me!
Then when he's exhausted me, Dani.
Sorry Cloud, but third in line is better than not being in line at all. I'll bathe him before I pass him on.

Hmm. I don't think this is necessarily true. Most people are not "present" enough in their own lives (and I know that sounds stupid) to actively choose happiness. Most people just schlub along and wonder why they're not happy.

Of course, WE are not "most people"!

And this is what I find to be something lacking in "most people." It's usually the schlubbers who complain about not being happy, rather than utilizing a little self-examination to figure out what to do to change it. Also, some people would rather NOT be happy. I will concede that this woman employed some self-examination for herself.

Of course, as I pointed out earlier, I'm fairly darn happy right now so my viewpoint is jaded. I'll check back in a week or so. ;)

But of course we're not. :)

Now that I think is probably the most sensible thing that's been posted in this thread thus far. I really do think there's a choice involved in happiness and unhappiness. As a general state, I mean, not in terms of experiencing the day to day effects of the world on you. It's more than just figuring out what's making you unhappy and changing that, it is, I think a decision to be happy, or not.

Obviously, one cannot simply wave a wand and decide not to be depressed...but they are very different things. Though I could not claim to be happy whilst I am affected by depression, and though I regularly am affected by depression, I would still say I am, overall, a happy person. I am not jumping about with glee. I am aware entirely of the dark morass lurking slightly beneath the surface of that overall happiness and am occasionally (usually whilst a bout of depression is creeping in) somewhat worried about what would happen if my little happiness raft did split. So much of it is founded on a present I understand and the future is filled with losses that could capsize me. But I choose to be happy. I chose long ago to jettison guilt and regrets and to try and be less possessive of my pains.

A lot of us do that at some point. We realise we've been carrying round an injured teenager in our heads. A picture of ourselves that is somehow dependant upon the scars we've gathered. It's a choice to let that go sometimes.

Yes!

depression is far different from unhappiness, though. Not only can one not choose to be depressed, often one can't even choose to get help.

I do think many people dwell to much on bad things that have happened to them in the past; crappy childhoods, etc. So, your dad beat you. So someone fondled you when you were little. Get over it. Look forward not backward!

Oh quite. It has a nasty habit of rendering you incapable of doing the things that might help.