I'm about to become a morsel in the banquet of love!
 

I should have known that my escapades in the Senior Cowboy on-line dating site would not go either un-noticed or unpunished by the gods! I should have been satisfied to get out with merely a humerous story and paid attention to my intuition which warned me that while I might have survived my first encounter with FaceBook, going there twice was inviting bad juju to leap out at me at any moment.

Today the juju struck. It not only lept - it jumped, hopped, sprang, skipped, capered, and pranced.

My motives were pure as the driven snow. I clicked onto FB merely because I wanted to send a PLATONIC male friend a cute video I had managed to capture him on.

While I was deep in FB's inner corridors, I happened to think of Jarah, a young woman I remember fondly and haven't been in touch with for years. I figured that since the entire population of the US is on FB, she would be, too. Alas, I entered her name and didn't find her. I wondered if she'd been abducted by aliens. Hmmmmm...

I glanced through the list of people with her same last name. Then I saw it - the name Glen E. accompanied by an all too familiar smiling face. Glen is Jarah's father and incidentally the man I had a passionate, completely doomed affair with 7 or 8 years ago. I had actually thought he was dead. Still skeptical that he really existed, I thoughtlessly sent him an IM, asking if he was "my" Glen.

He was online and replied immediently, letting me know how he had given up ever finding out where I was, and he was delighted to be in touch at last and that he loved me as much as ever.

Seeing as how the last time I saw Glen, he climbed into another woman's car and drove away with her forever (or 7 years, anyhow), I regarded this last statement in the nature of a warning.

Still, I let him wheedle my phone number out of me. He called earlier this evening and we talked and talked. It was like old times - like we'd never been apart. Any other of my ex's - sure there would be a hint of the old magic there with a couple of them, mere curiosity with most, and a slammed phone with at least one.

But Glen is my weakness. I can remember every rotten thing he ever did and invent excuses for him. We were going to get married, so I quit my job to home school Jarah. Glen became the sole wage earner and he made good money which he showered on me and Jarah. I loved them both, and Jarah and I were good friends. Glen and I planned to marry in January and honey moon in the Baja. The Chris Isaack CD - Baja California - which came out around then had all "our" songs.

Glen and I had nearly identical tastes in music, the same irreverent attitudes, we laughed together and wrote poems and stories together which we were always handing back and forth. When Glen would glance up and see that I had entered the room, he would smile a smile that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle and me go weak in the knees.

Then Glen came home from work one Friday evening - it was Halloween. I'll never forget that day.

The old furnace in the house had gone out, and Jarah and I were bundled up in sweators, waiting all day for Glen to return and fix that furnace. Instead, Glen walked into the living room, stopped and looked me in the eye and said, "I just can't do this anymore," turned and walked out. Forever. I was left with no money, no job, no heat, no Jarah (she had to go back to her real Mom), and no Glen. Never been so devastated in all my days.

There's more stuff too, but you get the gist. Anyhow, life went on and I survived. Now Glen wants to come visit me here in Cortez - at the moment, he's doing some work for his bro in Arizona. He also told me that he might be able to give me a car (if I had all the cars people have been talking about giving me lately, I could open my own used car lot!)

I have zero expectations of Glen at this point. But I'm strongly tempted to let him come up for a visit. It will probably take me the rest of the year after he leaves to recover.

Any thoughts? Sorry this was so long.

Without knowing more details, my first instinct is a big fat NO. A man that broke your heart that bad the first time, you really want to give him another chance to do it again? This is not the movies, people rarely change for the better. You probably want this so bad you're trying to convince yourself that its all OK, but the fact that you are posting on here shows that you know better.

*Hugs*
Even though I may be young, I know how hard it is to stay away from a person that you're so deeply attracted to, even when you know the whole time that its a bad idea.

Sounds a dangerous situation to me.

What happened to the woman he went off with? How'd that end? How many women has he walked out on? Seven years have gone by and now what? He's got a space in his diary for you now?

Sorry if that sounds harsh. It isn't meant to.

you have to ask yourself - do I really want to be just a morsel in this feast we call love? Or do I want to be the main course?

are you the wilting parsley, an afterthought, a mere morsel or are you the juicy good filet mignon????

:)

Then she sighed as she whispered "mañana"
Never dreaming that we were parting
And I lied as I whispered "mañana"
For our tomorrow never came

i tend to agree with everyone else. i just got screwed over just before the holidays when my girlfriend decided that she was going to dump me and go back to her ex-boyfriend. we had a damn good relationship or so i thought. playing with fire sam. i don't recommend it.

When my lightweight ex boyfriend walked out on me, I let him. Two years later,he sees me the college parking lot and walks straight toward and gives me a hug. He always makes me smile and laugh but I had to be firm. Instead of returning the hug, I said, "Shouldn't you be kissing my feet instead?" Ignoring that because my eyes were crinkling with amusement and my voice held no rancor,he said, "It only seems like just yesterday since I saw you last." Smiling I said, " I haven't missed you either." He told me he was here giving a ride to someone he was dating. I told him he better treat her right. He showed me his new car and I showed him mine. I asked him to trade his Jaguar for mine, for old time sake as he is caressing the steering wheel.We laughed and chatted like old times, then parted. Long story short, I didn't give him my new number or address. It was the right thing to do because he is a totally lovable old flake.

Something like this:
http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?t=24267

The wily ones will always wheedle their way back in...even if you are just checking to see if that's him on FB and if he is still alive.

Big lightbulb over his head "OH, why did I ever leave her?" he might be saying. He might actually feel that. But his track record shows that such feelings are fleeting. Some people can't hold on to things long term. It gets too heavy, or too hard, or...most likely, too easy. They're like the proverbial thing you set free, except what that proverb fails to mention is that if they're flying about so haphazardly to begin with, they will need to fly about again.

Having tried it multiple times, with different people, I can honestly say that "you can't go back". You can move forward sometimes, but you will both still be who you are. He showed you who he is when he walked out without an explanation. That's who he is. Believe him.

Oh, please don't. Just don't.

Sometime it takes another go 'round to finally once and for all get him out of your system...unfortunately. I used to be pro at that. I don't really recommend it, though.

I thought I saw the Evil Ex at London Victoria on my way home this Monday.
And I was all ready to go up and say hello!
I can only blame the 12 hour journey.

Luckily it turned out to be someone who looked nothing like him when I saw his full face. I shudder that I even considered it. He would certainly not have tried to seduce me, but the fact I would have been friendly to a man who never treated me as if I was worth the effort of friendship is a sad indication of how far I have not come.

Stay away Sam.
Pretend it didn't happen.
Attraction isn't really worth shit - we are betrayed by our own hormones.
It's only worth anything when the attraction is coupled by love and/ or friendship.

Even if there is love and friendship. If there is not also emotional reliability, then it's a dangerous attraction.

As Stormie* so rightly pointed out: he showed who he was when he walked out without warning or explanation, stranding you in financial straits and completely disrupting his daughter's life into the bargain. I wonder if he warned her mother?

Unfortunately, the person whose eyes crinkle when he smiles at you, and who so solicitously made you happy for the years you were together is also the real him.

This is a lethal combination.

The reason he is so convincing and able to get through your defences, may be because he really feels it. But there is absolutely no reason to think, and every reason not to, that he will feel that way in six weeks, six months, or six years time. And the way he feels when he walks out on you again ('cause it will happen) will be just as real as the way he feels when he declares his undying love.

Might as well set your store with the wind as trust this man with anything more than 'hello'.

Again, I am sorry if this seems harsh. But you are worth sooo much more than this. And it is encumbent upon us as your mates to make that absolutely clear.

(*Hi Stormie! have you been gone, or have I just missed your posts 'cause I feel like I haven't seen you in ages!)

Having never really done the go back several years later thing, I can't say I have any experience. I can see why it would be tempting. Memories have a way of seeming so benign the further back they are. There was a reason you were with him in the first place, after all. I guess I don't really have enough information about why he left, or who he is or anything like that. I would say that what everyone else is saying is the sensible thing to do and probably the smartest as well. I would give it some time and if you have some small doubts, treat them as bigger ones.

Good advice that.

Jackass didn't just walk out on you. He walked out on his daughter. Wonder what she thinks of him these days?

Have him meet you in a parking lot. When gets out of his car, run him down and then back over him a few times. I guarntee you'll be a lot happier in the long run.

Do not date him Sam I Am.
Do not date him in a train
Do not date him if you have half a brain
Do not date him here or there
Do not date him anywhere...

Dear SamIam,

you have this guy stuck. You need to be rid of him. And not be wondering anymore. They say kick him to the curb. You know that. You know he's bad news and yet you not only contacted him but you gave him your phone number and chatted at length. You can't just stop this right here and now, can you? You know you should, but that doesn't make it happen.

So, you need a plan. I suggest the first part is demand that he write to you via email or a PO box) and explain why he dumped you and his daughter and the repercussions that had on his life, what he thinks it might have done to your life, and why on earth he thinks you should forgive him.... and catalog his lovelife since that point. If he can't/won't maybe that will be enough to convince you that a rekindling is not a good idea. If he does and you read it and are still tempted....well, report back here..... you probably need to meet him but not in your safe place ffs.....

Glen used to love that Sheryl Crowe song, "A change will do you good." In fact the first time I ever went for a ride with him in his truck, he had that song on in his tape player, ramped up to top volume. I should have listened back then. Other than playing that song often, Glenn didn't warn ANYONE, Dana! Poor Jarah was heartbroken, and I was a complete mess for at least a year after.

I am pretty much in agreement with you and Shawnee and everyone else who replied. Glen took what was a very special connection and destroyed it with less concern then he would have felt kicking a pile of autumn leaves off into the wind. I know him well enough to understand that he would like to have our old intimacy back, but I also know that he remains as incapable of sustaining it as ever.

I've had a day to think it over, and I realize that even if I WANTED to go back to the old days with Glen, I am incapable of it. I could no more spread wings and fly. In fact, flying would be easier.

So now I'm being pragmatic. Two good time Charlies from my past have reappeared and each one is talking big about giving me a car as a sort of payment for their sins. Ron is simply hopeless. Glen on the other hand is a wild card. He can be very responsible if he wants to be - for a while.

My thinking is to let him come visit me if that's actually what he wants to do. I even have a nice lumpy sofa bed with his name on it. He can act the part of the silver-tongued devil, and I'll enjoy the show, then retreat into my bedroom ALONE except for my cats.

Glen can also drive me around to do car shopping. He's smart about mechanical stuff and cars and trucks. I'm sure he can find me something adequate. The rest of the time he's here, he'll have the complete attention of every woman in our small AA group and probably many non AA ladies as well. I expect I will be highly entertained and I'm betting my money that he will make a big play for my sponsor. Oh my, if he does, Glen won't know what hit him!

It is also possible that he'll show up dead broke, hoping that I'll take him in for a while. If so, he's in for quite a shock when he sees how far down the food chain I currently am existing at. It will only take him a day or two before he hits that lonesome highway leading to some relative's house.

I have also been toying with the idea of moving back home, and Glen may well head in that direction. If so, I just might offer to pay for the gas, sell off most of my junk, put the cats in a carrier and let Cortez eat my dust. After all, a change would do me good! ;)

Do not let him into your home.

I WOULD prefer a check rather than his presence. :eyebrow:

wait a minute. hold the phone. glenn? ron? two?!?! take a break hun.

Then tell him so. Tell him "you fucked me up financially, i'm still suffering, send me a check that doesn't bounce, then we'll talk"

or did you mean the other type of check.....

Aw let him come to Cortez, there's lot of open spaces for shallow graves.

I have no serious advice, but I just have to say:

:eek:

I think I see where that comes from, but ... but ... Sarge!

:lol:


:lol2:

All other arguments are invalid.

:luv: I love you guys - you just crack me up!

So here's what I'm gonna do. I will not date him here or there - I will
not date him anywhere. Instead, I will have him meet me at a lonely spot outside of town. When he gets out of his truck, I will jump into the driver's seat and smash him flatter than roadkill, hide the body under the nearest sagebrush, and drive off in my new vehicle. If anybody asks about him, I'll just say, "Oh, you know Glen. He might be in Tangiers," and shrug my shoulders. :D

Shawnee prolly knows a few good burial spots

Sammy I never ask for this but did you like my post too? Here I am acting all insecure. It's off "Baja California" which is why I thought it was clever. That song "Over the Border (Down Mexico Way)" wouldn't have been one of your shared songs though. Oh I'll be all butthurt if you don't think it was clever.

I DID read that, UT. And do you know that to this very day that song brings back the memory of long ago pain. I have all the words by heart, just like every other song on that CD. When I saw your post, I flinched mentally and quickly went on to the next. Your reply was too clever by half!

I congratulate you on having the good taste to not only listen to Chris Issak, but to remember his lyrics as well.

(Is my nose turning brown? ;))

Sam, don't forget you use the term "blood libel" when somebody does away with this loser and everyone blames you..... :lol:

I feel good now Sammy, thank you! (But no use brown-nosing me, as I have no power or goods to offer in return. If I did, I would disperse them equally amongst all the brown-nosers, er, Dwellars I like.)

The song always gave me a double take. Whoa, Chris Isaak did a one-nighter with that chick and she became a nun! He actually ruined her for all other men! I think I listened to the original once and it seemed just a horribly sexist thing in the original context.

Update (warning, rant follows)

OK, this is not going to turn out well. I am rapidly attaining the status of main dish even though I keep turning down the dinner invitations.

I won't pick up the phone when the caller ID shows that it's Glen. He retaliates by leaving long messages on my voice mail. He tells me that I "am loved," and reads me stuff he has written, including poetry (he IS a very good writer). He expresses concern for me and tells me funny stories about his day.

After listening to a few of these voice mails, I am softened up enough to finally answer when he calls. He expresses delight to finally speak with me at last, recalls the good times we shared together in the old days, is witty and self deprecating and very sexy in an understated way. The telephone lines from Arizona to Colorado must be fairly sizzling when we talk.

He has even enlisted his family in the cause. I have spoken with his sister on the phone and on FaceBook. She comes off as a very nice person. Glen 's youngest son also chats with me from time. I am still fond of that kid!

Yes, I know that I should get an unlisted number, change my e-mail, and not go NEAR FaceBook for at least the next 20 years. I should distract myself with cleaning the kitty litter box, thinking uplifting thoughts and even seeking out silver foxes on an Internet dating site - they may all be scoundrels, but at least they haven't PROVED it to me yet. Or maybe I could start sending sultry PM's to Urbane Guerilla.

I could write a self help book titled "Women who by LAW should be prevented from relationships - the true story of SamIam's amazing romantic misadventures."

So Glen's plan is to go visit his son's family back in our old home town, then come to Cortez to finish me off. I don't understand why he is putting all this energy into my demise. Up to now I was minding my own business and not hurting anybody - OK, I did send a few sarcastic replies to would-be online silver foxes, but that was it.

I have one question. I'd like to ask Glen to re-arrange his schedule and come see me before he goes to visit his son. Why drag this thing out? He is quite capable of carrying out in less than a week whatever diabolical plan he has in mind. I, of course, will spend the next year or two recovering. But I want to get this entire sordid affair over with and go on with my so-called life as soon as possible. Why stretch things out? Strike when the iron is hot and all that.

Do you think he would agree to this? Or would he just get mad and vanish again, only to reappear when we're both 70?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in Cortez

Tell him you've gone lesbo and your SO is not happy with the situation.... Worked 1x with me and a guy who wouldn't take a hint.

Honestly I don't think it'll be good for you to meet up with him again, but its your choice to make. If he *really* wants to see you all that bad, he'll rearrange. If he doesn't and decides to blow you off again, well that's probably best anyway.

Sam - it's the thrill of the chase.
My Evil Ex used to reel me back in every time with this sort of attention. And after a while (the timescale went from months, to weeks, to days, to hours) he'd have what he wanted and switch it all off again. Or generally transfer it to another woman. In fact towards the end he didn't even wait until I'd left his flat before starting gooey conversations with "just a friend".

I don't think he will change his plans if you're softening. He'll find it more useful to talk you round. If you are capable of issuing an ultimatum and sticking to it you might get rid of him sooner rather than later. But don't expect him to take no for an answer. He'll more likely let you stew for a few days then phone up pretending the two of you were still on for meeting after he had seen his son all along.

I could be way off beam, but his behaviour just sounds so distressingly familiar to me.

He's got your number, in more ways than one.

Playah, or so it seems to me.

Thats my thought, too

Sam, you seem to be enjoying this....you might as well be the one calling all the shots. You tell him what to do and when to do it. If he doesn't follow through, no loss right?

Seems there's a bit of "Come-hither, Get-thee-away" working in both directions here.

Thrill of the chase, and the first thing that occurred to me is how the brain works on remembering your past. Remembers the good bits, and cherishes them; forgets the bad bits because who wants to dwell on that?

And so maybe he remembers the good bits, and forgets why it didn't really work at the time.

Wow sometimes i think how great it would be to go back to my college days. Good times! All the terrible bouts of depression and anxiety and desperation and confusion... I'm sure that wouldn't happen if I was young again and had another crack at it!

I have this great memory of the semester I spent abroad in Germany in college. I mean, it was honestly the best evar.

Last night, I was flipping through my journal from that time. And first of all, I had plenty of time to fill a journal then, so what does that say? And second, on most days my only entry was something like "skipped class today. Was bored, so I went for a really long walk."

Now I have pictures from then, and they show me having a good time, and I have lots of memories where I had a good time, But I'd completely forgotten all those times when I was bored and lonely and walking for miles with no particular destination.

That is what this "relationship" is a long walk with no destination. If I understand this correctly (he dumped you and the child?), it is a terrible game for a child to have to watch. No way should a kid be put through that kind of bullshit.

Hang on, back up.

He had a daughter, whom he abandoned along with you. He also has a son? Where does this second kid fit into the timeline?

Both kids lived with us, but Jed, the younger son, kind of did his own thing and wasn't around so much. Jed is definately the favorite child. When Glen split, he tried to take Jed with him, but the Mom threatened to charge Glen with kidnapping if he took Jed across state lines, so Jed came back. (Yes, there was plenty of high drama)

It has it moments, I'll certainly grant you that, and I have to joke about it - the whole thing is just so bizarre.

But it is also very upsetting and I haven't even told half the story - it would take forever to explain it all. I can't understand why I still feel so vulnerable to this man. Its dysfunctional to the max. :dunce:

I know I'll work thru it eventually. I appreciate you guys letting me vent about it!

Back up? How about put the car in PARK?

How about having the damn thing towed off to the junk yard? It hasn't run in years! :right: