More bad karma. Or something.
 

Wow. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a breast mass. A big, honking lump in my right breast.

Found it two nights ago, inadvertently. There it was. Huge. How did I miss it before?

I think I have felt it before, actually – maybe a couple years or more ago. Just as big. And then it disappeared. So could it be a hormone-responsive fibroadenoma? God, I hope so.

On the plus side, I haven’t lost weight, haven’t been ill, I’m slim, I eat a low-fat diet that’s mostly whole plant foods. No unusual bone pain, cough, weird CNS symptoms. On the minus side, I’m 52, haven’t had a mammogram in 12 years, I drink alcohol (it's a possible risk factor), I had my first baby above 20 years old (really, do we all have to be teen mothers to not get breast cancer?).

I dithered a day, then went and got seen today. And the FP guy felt it too. Measured it at 2 x 2.5 cm. SHIT. That’s Tumor Stage 2 – T2 – right off. I have a little tender axillary node, but honestly it just came up last week and I can’t see that it could be malignant. It’s tiny, mobile, and tender – reactive. Not malignant. Don’t think about that.

But someone besides me says the lump is there, it exists, and I have a diagnostic mammogram booked for next Tuesday morning. Now I have to get through this weekend in Colorado with my daughter, our fun cowgirl weekend together, and not let on. I’m glad the mammogram isn’t tomorrow, actually – if it were, and I got bad news, it’d be much harder to keep it from her. I WILL have this weekend, have fun, enjoy my daughter, and not let this cast a shadow. If it’s bad news, it can wait until next week.

I just have to convince myself of that tonight.

I feel like screaming.

I can’t let my ex know. My big fear – he’ll just suck me right back in, take over, control everything, consume me. I have to think about how I’ll handle things if this IS malignant. After all I’ve been through, after all I had to do to get away … I can’t go back. He’ll want me back, want to remarry me and put me back on his health insurance. Health insurance, or the lack of it, is a scary thing. I have it now through my training program in WV; but if I do have cancer and need expensive treatment, will I be able to finish my residency? Will I lose my insurance if I can't continue? Will I be able to get work after, and get insurance given a pre-existing diagnosis of cancer? Will I be left with no insurance?

I’m panicking and that can’t happen. This will probably turn out to be a fibroadenoma. Except I’ve never had fibrocystic disease, ever. I’ve never had a cyst or a breast lump. Pretty strange for it to happen all of a sudden at 52. Not likely.

This is probably cancer. I’m going to get the diagnosis next week. And then what? Will I be up to doing my residency, to the MPH grad courses? So many questions. Not many positive answers.

I won’t die from this, I refuse. Holy shit, after all I’ve been through!!! After all the terrorizing, all the death threats, all the fear, the wasted time, the regrets.
I just can’t stand the pure bad karma I seem to have. One thing after another. I can’t seem to catch a break.

Tomorrow I’m going to the new student orientation for my MPH. I’ll sit there, join in the discussions, have lunch with everyone, and I won’t even know if I’ll be there at the classes. Next week my life could change completely. I know, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and that would change my life too. But this … it’s like knowing that bus is coming next Tuesday, nothing I can do about it, and I may or may not survive the collision.

I'm so sorry. Be strong.

Orthodoc - take a deep breath.

I survived stage 3 breast cancer. This may not be malig.-
It may be a cyst - it's mobile & that is good. Mine was not.

Pm me anytime if you want more info.
Hugs. Best vibes your way!

If you believe in karma, then good. Think of it this way: "it" waited until you had your previous world changing crisis behind you. You've already survived. You already know you can face uncertainty, calamity, danger, etc. and prevail. You're already a survivor. Karma's doing you a favor. [/pollyanna]

Now.

Cancer's a favor to no one. But you will find that worrying about specific details like you already clearly know is bad enough, don't add in worry about details you don't know. What kind of masochist are you anyhow?

You're tough, smart and strong. That's a good combination for any set of circumstances. You'd want you on your team--congratulations, wish granted. You've never been in a better situation to handle whatever this is. And that *is* in your favor.

Thank you all, more than you know ... holding onto your good thoughts tonight. Tomorrow will be better, I know. Thanks. Sorry about the hysteria.

You'll be just fine. Cancer or not. My friend had stage 4 and is doing just fine. She's one of many friends who fonud lumps/masses. All the others were benign.

Yeah, what everyone else has said. Breast cancer is not a death sentence. It might mean a change of lifestyle for a while, but after, you'll be fine. So many women find lumps and have them removed and then have precautionary treatment 'just in case' and never have any other problems. Once your body is over 40, you start growing all sorts of strange things in strange places. Don't be freaked out. Just follow the steps and get it all sorted.

Have a great weekend, there's nothing gained by worrying before you have confirmation there's really something to worry about. Worst case, you'll get it taken care of... and save money on hair dressers for a little while. It'll make a great story to tell your great-great-grandchildren. ;)

Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee?

yeah, but not with her boobs!

What they all said.
In simplistic terms, what is happening is alrady happening.
Finding out is the beginning of a different journey.

Don't borrow trouble this weekend.
Have the best time you can have.
Anything that needs to be faced will still be there for you when you get back.

Much love to you though. A horrible thing to discover.

ortho, I'm sorry you're going through this scare. Try not to think about it, and just enjoy your weekend. You've got a plan and you are doing everything you can do right now.

Attachment 39850

The Bobby McFerrin Flowchart of Life.

:thumbsup:

"I cannot say that I am happy that I was sick, but I am glad, if it had to happen, that it brought me to the place I am now. It's a better place than a I was before." - Marilyn French.

:flower:

I once had a cancer scare (pancreas) and had treatments "just in case".

It turned out to be nothing more than an overcautious doctor. I remember how my world came crashing in when I heard the C word and how elated I felt when it turned out that the first doctor was just an idiot. I really can't count myself among "cancer survivors" but I can count myself among those who took chemo. And survived.

Hang in there, this WILL turn out to be nothing at all!

Love

Pamela

Home from work, doing so much better today. Because of you guys. Honestly. :blush: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Last night was my collapse, my stream-of-consciousness ohmygod that you all fielded. And sent me back sensible, caring, practical advice and good thoughts.

I've read my references, I know the worst case scenario and I have at least some idea of how I'll approach things if it turns out to be that. If it's not, that's cake. If it's totally benign, I'll buy all you guys a virtual drink (sorry, wish it could be real) and send in a big tip to the tip mug. :) (Actually, I'll do that anyway! But if I could buy you guys a drink, I would ...)

In the meantime I have horses to ride and cows to herd ... packing up my stuff and I'm going to enjoy every minute of this weekend, from the airport (maybe have a drink on the plane, just for the hell of it) to the campground and back. I'm going to enjoy every minute with my daughter, who is THE BEST, most amazing young woman I've ever met. And then we'll see. If it's bad, I think I'll go see what the night sky looks like from the bottom of the Grand Canyon, or go to Maine, or ... somewhere cool ... before things begin. And I'll beat the f*cker. Because I did NOT come this far to lie down and be beaten at this point.

(Note to BigV: thanks for your note about karma. Imagine if I'd found this a few weeks ago, before my divorce was final, before I'd moved out? Talk about being roped back in! At least I can now deal with this on MY terms. So yes, maybe this isn't bad karma after all.)

Oh yes ... I'll do my best to get some decent pics of the weekend and post them. Hopefully they'll be good for a laugh!!

You're welcome. :)

Have fun and be safe. Pics or it didn't happen.

...or...what happens on horseback stays on horseback!

sometimes what happens on horseback echoes through the canyons too.

It all depends on how hard you hit the ground! In that case, what happens may stay in the canyons ... !

(Unless it's particularly funny, in which case I'll swallow my pride and post it anyway)

Yes, pics please. At every stage and of everything.

So the weekend was great. GREAT! The accommodations were a little more rustic than I expected - the shower was 'broken', no running water, tent in the backcountry. That was cool, I just thought there'd be a bit more 'campsite' to it. The staff asked right away if we had food in our luggage because, if so, please keep it in the car. The place is full of ... bears. Bears, omg! (I've had a phobia of bears for years.)

Now, why I didn't clue in to the fact that in the Colorado backcountry there might be bears, especially in a place called Bear Basin Ranch, I do not know. D-uhhhhh. My daughter laughed her head off, because apparently while I was standing there thinking: no problem, the bears won't come, and if they do I'll kill them before they get near my daughter! - my face looked like I was screaming inside. Gotta work on that!

Anyway - I'll post pics, if I can figure out how, when I get home tonight. Proof! I have herded and 'cut' cattle on horseback. Hooray!

A little less 'hooray' is how things went with my tests yesterday. That big bus I felt coming last week? It gave me a pretty good hit. I do not have a cyst. I have a solid, irregular mass with microcalcifications, which is mammogram-speak for cancer. The ultrasound was no better. They took an U/S-guided biopsy immediately and are expediting the pathology so I can see the surgeon Friday and hopefully the oncologist Monday. They're pretty efficient; the nurse hinted that I might get my surgery next Thursday. All pending the path report, but no one seemed to doubt what was going on.

So ... damn.

I did buy a baseball cap with a grizzly on it, at the ranch. A sort of 'face your fears' thing; rather than wear a cap with nice horses on it, I thought I'd wear the thing I was afraid of. So maybe I'll just wear this cap if/when I'm having chemo.

I'm sorry, Orthodoc. That's really bad news. But good job keeping your focus on what has to be done. You're going to take care of it and come out the other side a stronger woman.

You can do this.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

If this thing was outside your body, you could squish it under your heel.

Wish it were; wish I could. Guess I have to use more subtle means to destroy it. Although the first moment the surgeon says she can yank that sucker, I'm there! On that table! Get the damned thing out ...

They'll take it out. You'll have chemo, then you'll be better. Just go through the process..as shitty as it is.

eta: Re reading that I come off a bit blasé, but I didn't mean to. At times of high stress I just find that focussing on the mechanics stops my mind from wandering into areas it's better off not contemplating.

No problem. I'm focusing mostly on mechanics at the moment, myself.

Official call with the path result came this morning: it's cancer. Stage 1 clinically so far, which is good. Grade 3 histology, which is bad. I won't get away without chemo and the survival rate is lower. I hope, hope, hope this is not triple-negative (which would be added bad on top).

At least now I know for sure and I can make a plan and get ready. They should have the rest of the results (receptor status etc.) by my appointments Monday morning, or at least sometime early next week. I'll find out when my surgery will be - hopefully asap. With that histology I want this f*cker out.

Time to practice meditation, drink green tea, eat very healthy foods ... and stop shaking.

Perhaps, but it doesn't sound that way to me though you're not talking to me. That's your training kicking in. We've all experienced it. It's a good thing.

Go easy on the caffeine and carbs. Cancers love that stuff. :/

Oh honey, what a shitty thing to have to deal with. You'll get through though. At least you're in a much better place to deal with this stuff than you were before. Keep strong. Think about all the people who've beaten it and give a big Fuck You to cancer.

What Undertoad said.

Visualize squishing this puny thing under your heel, just destroying it, grind it into the ground and show it for what it really is: cowardly rogue cells just ripe to be taken out.

Thanks ... I was expecting to be told it was cancer, knew it was a T1 (so Stage I clinically for now), but have been pretty bummed about the Grade 3 histology. However. It just means I'll have to hit this thing with everything. This is war!

I've cleaned out my cupboards and fridge; no more cheese/meat/alcohol/fatty treats. In with the healthy food (I already had a bunch, but now it's the only stuff in there)! And the green tea ... have to see if I can find Japanese green tea that costs less than $20 for 2 oz. :eek:

I just want to be in the best possible condition to fight this. If I can take a load off my immune system by avoiding inflammation-inducing foods and stay in good physical shape, hopefully my body will have the resources to fight hard.

I told one family member tonight and that was all I could do. The biggest stress right now is the prospect of telling all my relatives. Especially my kids. Has to be done but ... :(

I can totally understand that, but that sucks that that's the way it is.

If it were my mom, I wouldn't want her stressing about telling me. I'd want her to break the news the easiest way possible for her, and if that meant a mass email to everyone at the same time, that would be what I'd want her to do.

Everyone seems to cope differently with telling people stuff like this. With our Mum, my brother and I knew as soon as she'd come out of her appointment with the specialist because for one thing, I took her to the app and then told my brother for her. Then I just rang the aunty in the family that likes to tell people stuff and let her do her thing. It was pretty easy and Mum didn't have to worry about telling anyone.

A friend of mine who is dealing with breast cancer at the moment hasn't even told her kids about the latest round of radiation she's having because she 'doesn't want to worry them'. Personally, I disagree with her choice there, but it's up to her.

It will be hard, ortho, but not as hard as what you've already been through. You can beat this puny walnut of a thing.

Thanks, guys. I've been stressing about this a lot, but I had a hilarious call tonight with my mother ...

She was terrifyingly abusive to me and my 3 sibs all through childhood/adolescence - the source of my bear phobias. She's a narcissist and now lives alone, secure in her view of how everyone has treated her badly.

So I called her to let her know, and she was totally perky and upbeat. It can't be anything, because no one else in the family (read: her) has had this; so it can't be anything major. Her mother had a benign tumor once, so this won't be anything either. More narcissistic stuff that I really shouldn't make public. :smack:

Anyway ... a little humor from unexpected (or expected) sources never hurts, right? :yelsick:

On the upside, I'm trying out some new healthy recipes. Made a fantastic Thai soup tonight. Yumm.

Absolutely, take it from wherever you can get it, and be thankful you can recognize it. That shows besides your fears, which is natural, you've got your head on straight and can handle this. :thumb:

By the look of the photos from the cowgirl trip, your "children" are grown up.

I think you should tell them directly, plainly, and openly, without taking on the extra burden of hiding things or "managing" the message.

Just my two cents worth.

From our local co-op:
Organic Green gunpowder tea - 14.00 / pound
Organic Green SenCha tea - 17.00 / pound

pm me if you'd like me to mail you some.

You will beat this thing! fuck cancer

Absolutely! There has to be a t-shirt somewhere that says that.

Yes.
http://www.google.com/search?q=fuck+...w=1186&bih=932

Just reading this thread for the first time (been away in no-innernet-land). Good luck Ortho! Listen to Bri, keep well and upbeat. Sending positive vibes from across the water. x

@ Bruce ... thanks! There's one I especially love: 'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Cancer'. Think I'll get that one. :)

@ Zen and glatt ... you're right, I didn't try to 'manage' the message, just modeled it on the 'how to give bad news' model from school: Give the facts briefly. Wait. Add concrete information as to the next steps. Rinse. Repeat with next family member. It went okay. And there was some unexpected humor here and there, which is golden.

@ limey ... thanks! I appreciate your good wishes. I am indeed listening to and taking Bri's excellent advice.

@griff, clod, ali, footfootfoot, Dana, and others whose names I am NOT intentionally leaving out ... thanks much. One day at a time, and today was a good day. Found out some of my test results are generally favorable for treatment options. Very encouraging!

I'm glad!

Well, that's good news, at least.

We could make a cellar specific "Kick cancer in the taco." shirt too, I suppose.

Give cancer the cunt punt? Cunt punt a cancer today?

I dunno...it needs work :p

Ortho: good news on the test results:)

:jig:

fuck yeah fuck cancer!

One step forward, five steps back ... phone call from the oncologist today says they all went over the pathology again and want to add an addendum saying it's not as bad as it looked at first glance (but this doesn't fill me with confidence - did it take the entire team to convince themselves of this? Why didn't it look medium-bad at first glance instead of severely-bad?). Okay, it's good news.

Then he tells me the surgeon and plastic surgeon think they can get together in the same OR with me in ... OCTOBER. Fucking OCTOBER!!! That's oh, 3 months post-diagnosis. Maybe there'll be lots of little positive nodes to keep them busy then, maybe even a liver or brain met to make their day exciting ...

I lost it. I burst into tears on the phone. I have now cried twice on this man, this oncologist, and I haven't cried on anyone else so far; only by myself. He's going to think I'm a nutcase. I told him the national average 'wait' for breast cancer surgery is one month and WVU tries to do better, so what is this? Does no one at WVU get reconstruction done? He was very nice, he's honestly a great guy, and he said he'd call other surgeons in town and see what could be done. But now I don't know ... do I call UPMC? Call my insurance and see how much it'll cost to go out of network? Screw it, borrow money and pay cash somewhere out of state? Yet I have to keep working here. I can't quit or I'll lose my chance at writing Boards (which I need in order to be employable in future).

All this delay also promises to scuttle my MPH. The university is totally rigid with dates for dropping courses. If I have chemo and it spans both first and second semesters (because it doesn't start until November, with an October surgery), thereby scuttling both, I won't be able to make it up and I'll be out of the program. Meaning I won't graduate my residency, won't be able to write my Boards, and won't be employable on the other side of all this (assuming there IS an other side). The more delay, the better the chance that I'm screwed.

And ... one more big lousy karma turd falling on me ... not only have several of my 'friends' bailed after a quick 'so sorry', but a guy I was seeing - as a friend, no big relationship, but someone I liked and was willing to just go along and see what happened ... I let him know how things were looking last week, before I got the path report, and ... silence. He's gone to radio silence. Wtf, I only wanted to be friends, and friends ... at least say 'so sorry' before they bail. I wasn't even worth a 'so sorry but I can't deal with this'?

These men who sing sad songs on videos about waiting on a woman and having their hearts broken and all that? I haven't met any. I just ... I don't know. I know others are having a hard time, I don't want to give offense. I just don't know why I've never run across any of these nice, normal men. If they were all in happy, fulfilling relationships I'd be happy just to know they existed, it'd restore some of my confidence in the human race.

Well that's a big fat pile of shitto suckfest.

While we're fucking cancer can we fuck that school's rigid policy?

There seems to be a deep irony there, Ortho. Enough almost to drive you into the arms of homeopathy...

Sorry, ortho. :(

That sounds like a violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act, to me.
Are you sure he felt the same way, and not more serious intentions? Did you tell him before you went to cowgirl camp? Since you haven't communicated you really don't know what he's thinking, you may have blown his mind and he's trying to figure out what to do. I'm just speculating here, just saying it's not black and white... it's never black and white.
Wait, weren't you married until just recently? That makes it a little awkward for random guys to prove their devotion.
Bwahahahahahahaha Normal, what the hell is that?
I've got more faith in the human race than I do in happy, fulfilling relationships, but that's a variable depending on an individual's definition of said same.
The only thing I can promise you is we here in the Cellar will stick by you no matter what. :3way:
Fuck cancer.

"The only thing I can promise you is we here in the Cellar will stick by you no matter what," - xoxoxobruce.

We are here for you, ortho. I know it's cyberspace, but we WILL help you get thru this.

School/boards - it is what it is.
the surgery date? - it can be tweaked.
Men? - your hormones/emotional state are in a storm. YOU are in a storm. Things are going to look more bleak than they actually are. You will come out of it. YOU WILL. One foot in front of the other, do what you can and what you can't do - give it up to the Universe.

Do you know the serenity prayer? yeah, it's corny, but it's helped even me and I'm a right old bitch sometimes.

"Abby someone."
"Abby someone. Abby who?"
"Abby... Normal."
"Abby Normal?"
"I'm almost sure that was the name."

Fuckity fuckington McFuckshite. Ortho, I'm on the team here rooting for you all the way. I do think you're entitled to cry. On anyone at all. And especially on an oncologist bearing news, of any sort whatsoever. I say again - listen to Bri, and lean on us all. We're here for you, all around the world.