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I have no idea what you are talking about, but you seem pleased, so I'm happy for you.

Don't make the mistake of being emotionally tied to your house as if that will provide a measure of sanity, or bait for a new relationship. (I still have this big house! Chicks will dig me!)

I didn't move... and that was a huge mistake.

I can understand the house attachment with all the blood sweat and tears invested, but UT is right, so be flexible.

Hmm... accidental email open divulging plans...

dear anon

ut and xob are both experienced in this ordeal, they're worth paying attention to.

my experience was different regarding the house. I wanted the house, and I kept the house. this had an uncomfortable side effect of being property rich and cash poor--a situation that was exacerbated when I lost my job. but I need to explain my *MAIN* reason for wanting to stay in the house--SonofV was just starting high school when the deal went down and the top of my list of priorities was trying to do the best for him. In this case, maintaining the only house he'd ever lived in and the connection to the schools in the immediate area was huge for me.

additionally, I'd moved out the previous three or four times--look what it got me. also, t*nk *did* want to move, had been wanting to move for a long time. it worked out for both of us. as a community property state, the bulk of our net worth was in the equity in the house. obviously we couldn't divide the house, but we could divide the value of the house, once that value had been converted to cash, and that meant refinancing. the refi itself was another fucking ordeal, worth one or more separate posts later, if you wish.

continued good luck.

I'm finally starting to clue in as to what this is about.

And I'm still happy for you. I have no experience in this area, so I'll stay out of it. But I wish you the best and am glad you have wise people giving you advice here.

Good luck, anon, I just want to say, my instincts went with Bruce's. Just happened to leave an email open on a computer one shares with someone from whom one is separating? :eyebrow: indeed.

Wimminfolk can be tricksy.

Might be time to talk it out with her so you can get the house on the market if'n that's the plan.

but but but but....

I thought anon was planing on staying?

I prolly missed that.

There is a lot to be said for just making a clean break so everyone can move on with things. Both of you really.

(if/)when there are kids involved, who stays is not about the house.........

good for you, anon.

I did too, but I was aware of what it would cost me, not just money, before I made that decision. That's what I was cautioning, know the costs before making a decision. Changing course always makes things more difficult, but that's always an option too.

Counting the cost, and all considerations, is good advice. If keeping the house is important for the kids (stability, neighborhood, schools - huge aspects), or for personal reasons, it's worth it.

Glad the counselor is helpful; wishing you the best.

Is this a continuation of the eggshells thread? Or another, similar situation? Either way - I wish you well and refer you, as others have, to those here who have experience of these things.

House schmouse.

I don't see the big deal about 'who gets to keep the house.' For me, it was a hassle I didn't want to go through. I just walked away. It wasn't about winning anything for me it was about surviving. Of course, I make a great ex-wife. ;)

The children make the difference though. Who will they live with? That's when the house is important.

What I hope for you is you get through this with as little pain and stress as possible. I've watched couples fight and bicker and end up hating each other. I also know my grandma and grandpa got along famously after they split, and they were all about their child, my mom, at that point. Another relative did the opposite, and the kids suffered for it greatly. All is OK now, but it wasn't for a long time.

There is no revenge that is good, no vindication that satisfies. It sucks all around and I hope that in the end everyone is as unscathed as possible. Because it's a horrible thing to go through (unless you're a serial marrier, which also makes no sense to me.)

I do hope for your happiness.

for me it was about the kid. What is best for the kid? I walked away from the house but my kid stayed there with his dad surrounded by his usual stuff.

It was pure hell on me to leave the kid-not the house. and that's how it felt. Like I was leaving my KID.

Oh, god, if I could only go back and not be such a fuck up. I HAD to leave the kid-I was a mess. At least you are functioning. You'll get a better house. Just think about the kiddies.