Don't know how to say this ...
 

... but I've decided to get remarried. I'm nervous about saying it after all the support and encouragement everyone gave me last year, and ongoing. But for the same reasons you deserve to know.

I accepted my ex's help last summer after my diagnosis. He was respectful and went beyond what I could possibly have expected. Yes, you could say he had an agenda, but he was genuinely distraught over my situation and did crazy things with his schedule in order to be in my town when he was needed. I told him to back off two different times, when I felt crowded, and he did. He didn't approach me again until I asked.

I needed the physical help. I had complications that I couldn't manage by myself, and too much general illness to handle and keep working without literal physical help. I'm very grateful for what he did.

Maybe gratitude isn't the basis for a marriage, but it's a start. Friendship is a start, in fact it's probably the bedrock. All I was looking for with the 'friend' who brutally dumped me the second I had my diagnosis was affectionate friendship. After all that's happened, I think I can do affectionate friendship.

One thing with my ex - I've known him forever, I know him very very well. There are no surprises lurking, no unexpected monster, no sudden out-of-the-blue departures forthcoming. That sounds selfish, but I will do the same for him. My departure last year wasn't out-of-the-blue, for that matter; we talked and argued and cried through a lot. In the ensuing months we had a number of very direct, uncomfortable discussions about everything that happened. I finally feel I can move on.

I value myself now, in a way I haven't ever done. If things go south in future I won't hesitate to leave. I've done it successfully once and I can do it again. I don't think I'll have to, but I know I can do it and so does he.

In the meantime, in the time I have to be healthy (a year, a bunch of years, who knows - I don't have distant mets at the moment but I have regional spread), I'd like to be able to share and enjoy things in company. There are things I want to do, and it'd be nice to do them with someone else. And I have no illusions about how things would go if I put myself out there again, hoping for an 'affectionate friendship'. Been there, done that, learned my lesson. Won't do it again.

I also find that I'm not ready or able to give up my property in PA. It was jointly owned, but I designed and oversaw the building of the house; I planted all the gardens; I did everything on and to that property. It gives me peace. It's my little piece of heaven.

I'll never be financially dependent again; we'll keep finances essentially as they are now so that that never happens. I have had a professional setback in that my job in smalltown, the one I was going to return to, almost certainly won't be there. I'll have to set up my own practice or find another way to earn income. It'll probably work out for the best, but if I get sick again before I get established I could be without income and insurance, and without practical help.

I don't mean this to sound mercenary, but I've never had cancer before. Getting that sick changes a lot of things. I've had to not only think through my priorities, but plan for what happens when I get sick again. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I will certainly do everything in my power to make it a long time until 'when', but not everything is in my power. I know my ex will help me when I get sick again. On the other hand, he has some very serious health problems himself. If he gets sick, I'll help him.

You probably don't want to know all of this, but I want to explain somewhat in light of how difficult last year was, knowing how much you all helped me and how much I appreciated it. As I said, I'm nervous about announcing this but need to get it out there ...

Be Happy.:)

OK.
It sounds like a practical decision, one you've carefully thought through.
Hopefully he has a new perspective of you, your strength, ability, goals and will accept you as a partner and colleague.

But damn, if you wanted to get laid, all you had to do is say so.
Sorry, couldn't resist.:blush:

As always, good luck, we'll be cheering for you.

Congratulations ortho. I wish you all the best. :) xxx

Thanks, Bruce. :blush:

Thank you, rich and Ali. :)

It's an unusual case, but I know another person (a doctor, no less) who left a psychologically abusive relationship for about five years, but has since reconciled with him, and they're now happy together (as far as I know). Could be that seeing her stand up to him, and leave him, triggered some serious self-assessment on his part. He had initiated the reconciliation with an unsolicited acknowledgment and apology for his past misconduct. And the time off let her grow in strength and self belief.

Well, good luck. And in fact,CONGRATULATIONS.

Thank you, Zen! Your analysis hit the nail on the head, in this situation as well as that one. I couldn't have explained it better.

If you're both happy and will not repeat similar mistakes...then all is good.

I have k own a few folks that ha e divorced and remarried few times ,
Good luck!!

;)

You're going into this open eyed.

Good luck Ortho! And congratulations :)

Good luck and be happy!

Sent by thought transference

Congratulations, Orthodoc!

I'm happy for you. I do think that things can 'change' in a relationship, sometimes as a result of a giant slap in the face (the cancer diagnosis, and for him: you leaving) and I also believe that if you once cared and loved each other, it's in there somewhere.

Sometimes that isn't enough, but sometimes it is.

I send you best wishes, and I thank you for reminding me that life is fluid, and things can change, and do.

What matters is if the two of you are happy. As long as that's true, then more power to you. :)

Thank you all for your good wishes. And for the funny pic! :)

Follow your heart....:lovers:


and remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving again if you need to. But

Hopefully, things will work out for you!

Best wishes, ortho!

I haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid. :mecry:

Bridesmaids' dresses are always unflattering ... and you can never wear them again. Thought I'd spare you that.

Bless you. :D

But a kilt, that could be worn anytime!

And lightens the laundry load without all that underwear.

A fair amount of erm... baggage though.

My bridesmaids just wore little black dresses with spaghetti straps. As far as I know, they've all worn them again more than once. :) I wanted them to be able to use them again. That's why I chose what I did.

Very smart idea! I'm sure they blessed you for it. :)

Yes, Ali is smarter, and more considerate, than the average bear. :cool:

Life is full of happy and sad... more happy in your case Ortho, is fabulous! :)

Hmmm...I doubt that very much. lol Not sure how serious you were with your statement anyway Bruce. ;)

He's right, and he was paying you a compliment. Smile and say thank you like your momma taught you :yesnod:

Awww...well thats a lovely thing to say, and even nicer to have it seconded. :)

It's surprising how many people are great with comebacks, but stumble over a compliment.

I have trouble interpreting sarcasm online and don't want to look like a douche thinking every thing that seems nice actually is nice. In particular, I have trouble detecting some of the nuances from you yankies. I have no trouble with the brits and others, but it's a problem I've had here since I started.

Also, Bruce and I might be friendly now, but there was a time when he didn't think much of my level of intelligence, so you can understand why I might think he's having a bit of a joke at my expense in this regard. I didn't think he was trying to be hurtful, but I thought he might have been having a chuckle to himself.

When it all comes down to it, I'm insecure about some things, just like everyone else.

Nay, nay. there was a time when I was working 2nd shift, you and I would be the only ones here in the middle of the night(Cellar time) quite often. I would be here because we had a lot of far east spammers signing up at that hour.

So you would post and I would usually post a response, and because we disagreed on a lot of things you thought I was stalking you. I could tell because you'd sometimes get pissed when I agreed with you.

But I never questioned your intelligence, I just chalked it up to you living your whole life upside down.:p:

So are bats Australian or are Australians bats? ;)

Thanks Bruce. :) Glad you don't think I'm dumb. ;)

foots, we all navigate by sonar down here. Didn't you know?