Opinions wanted
 

I think I may have posted something about this a while back but some new info has come up.

My parents divorced when I was about 7 years old, around 1967. My father, from what I can remember and what my mother and sisters have told me over the years, he was a gambler, abusive, drinker, jerk.
I'm not even sure the few "memories" I have of him are mine or just what was told to me. The last time I saw him was when I was around 10.
Anyway, when our Mom found out she was dying in 1996, she applied for disabilty since she could no longer work. The state of New Jersey told her she could also collect from her ex' social security since she had been married to him for enough years, even though he had remarried (the woman he had cheated on my Mom with).
We assumed this meant our father had died and made some enquiries.
The state said they could give out any info unless we filled out some forms and paid the fees. Since none of us was that interested, we let it drop.
Periodically I would do some internet searches for an obituary, just to find out how he died, for medical background info. Never found anything until 2010. I did a search again and came across this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/re...Njzo.html?_r=0

Imagine my surprise to find out he was still alive. He'd be 84 now. I never intended to contact him and still don't want to try.

Now for the new development: My sisters received a letter in the mail from some friend of our father named Mary, addressed to both of my sisters with my name mentioned in the letter, asking us to call her because our Father is trying to get in touch with us.
It didn't say why he didn't write to us himself.

My question is: What do you think you would do in these circumstance?

I already told my sisters that, since the Times article points out that there won't be any inheritance, there's no need to contact him. :D

Oh gosh, Sheldon. There are chances for redemption around every corner. This may or may not be one of them. I think you should call her, even if not for anything other than curiosity. If whatever doesn't work out then you won't have lost anything.

That's just mho.

Thanks IM. The only reason I can think of to contact them would be to let him know his only son is gay. :-)

:) There's a bit of poetic justice in that, no?

:D I do love me some poetry. LOL I'd get to use the word Nantuckhim in that poem. hahahaha

Maybe he can't write for himself because he's disabled

Or maybe Mary just wants him to have that redemption and he hasn't asked for it.

It would be charitable to get in contact but reasonably cautious not to expect anything particularly special.

Be yourself Sheldon.
Personally I'd say make the contact because it's not a chance that will happen for much longer and you never know what you will look back on and regret not happening.

Just accept that this is a man who shares your genes and nothing else.
Like if a genealogy search turned up a third cousin twice removed (no, I don't understand that either, I think it's only important in landed titles). You'd want to meet them out of curiosity at least.
This man is not a father to you. And he obviously isn't trying to be now.
You were a spurt of sperm as far as he was concerned.
But you were born, you grew up and you became your own man. I have no idea what you are like IRL, but on the Cellar you are special, witty, cutting and enormously generous.

That man lost out. Never mind.
Just don't lose out yourself.
If you really don't think you will miss out, have nothing to do with him. You succeeded already.

It would mean that you share a common ancestor. Your great great grandparent is their great great great great grandparent. Or it could be the other way around.
Attachment 48903

I would probably respond to the request to get back in touch. But not expect much from it. And probably keep my guard up.

You might want his medical history. Just so you know what to watch for

Sheldon, I think Sundae spoke most eloquently about this and I second her thoughts. I would view it as a chance to learn something positive with a small chance to have something bad happen. Really, what have you got to lose? **I** would do it, but I don't have your experiences.

Speaking of experiences and memories, I don't think there's much difference in the sources of the things you regard as your memories now, what you experienced and what you were told of your conditions at the time. They're your memories now.

I wish you and your sisters the very best.

Thanks everyone. My sisters and I are agreed that we'll just ignore it.

My way of thinking is, I usually have a very good reason for everything I do. I have to assume there's a good reason why I don't remember my childhood and I don't want to mess up who I am now by finding out who I was and what happened to me then.

There you have it.

Good answer. :)

This.

And this.

I'm not sure I could ignore it.

I hope, for you, that you've made the right decision, but, ultimately, what's right is what you feel is right, and that's what's important.

This is a tough spot, for sure.

I would probably do it because i would die of curiosity otherwise.

I don't think the adult you are now could be anyway adversely affected by the knowledge of the child you didn't know you were then. Unless you wanted it to do so.

But there is no harm in ignoring the request.

Sheldon - I am pwd, but I think you should reach out to the old bastard to allow him to attempt to atone for his sins. I should know, because I left my family and played army despite their needs and wishes. I am truly sorry for being so selfish

My father left in the middle of the night after moving us
To a trailer park, taking the last $40.00 from my mothers' purse.
I don't think I'll lose any sleep by not contacting him. :-)

Something i thought of too. Maybe there are siblings who want to know you? Just be careful though. They may just be in it for the kidneys. ;)

Even more reason to not see him. I have enough problems with the siblings I have now. LOL

So you made up your mind, but the opinions keep coming. People in the Cellar are not shy about speaking their mind, especially when you ask them to.

I want to make a joke about how you're getting lots of opinions, and opinions are like assholes, and you're gay, and how that must be a great thing for you that you're getting so many opinions, but I'm not sure how to pull it off. So I'll just make this awkward post instead.

With some fava beans and a nice chianti? (Oh wait, that's liver). From your posts, it seems that you are a caring person with a good life. That in itself is the best revenge, as they say.

I like seeing the other opinions regardless of my decision.
Let me know if you need help pulling it off. ;-)

do some of us need to load up and go pay him a visit as in I don't have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.:eyebrow:

as a matter of public disclosure, i must state i do not condone any form of violence nor do i own any weapons, sharp objects, or blunt objects. i am a practicing Buddhist ;)

I have knives and spatulas. Some are sharp.

shhhhhhh. the nsa is everywhere

I'd prefer a four foot length of wet, half-inch, grass rope.

Doesn't do as much damage as a sharp spatula, but makes your point.

Hi Sheldon. I don't think we have been introduced. - maybe we have when I used to be an active member of this community back in 2005 and 2006. I have only just returned after a long absence.

Given the above, I hope you won't mind me adding to the observations already expressed by pothers with regards to your predicament. It struck me that the way he generated contact with you, through a letter from a third party to your sisters in which you are mentioned, indicates to me that he is well aware of the reception he is likely to get and so is approaching the desire he has to make contact as un-encroaching as possible. That's one way I think he may view what he is doing, forgetting another consequence of adopting this method.

You say you have made your decision to ignore the request . I don't think he will be surprised at this. Something his approach suggests. Who knows why he has made the decision to do this. Maybe he is ill, likely to die, or maybe he has witnessed or had an experience to realise what a terrible thing he did to you, your mother and your sisters.

Something has made him reach out, and when someone does that, in my case, I would find it hard to ignore, even in a situation similar to yours. Most of the responses here go along with the idea of responding, not ignoring, and I tend to go along with that, but I would use the opportunity to let your father know the scars he left behind and how visible to you they are even today, that your first reaction was to ignore his letter, and that assuming he must realise the situation he created, at least to give you the reason why he has tried to make this contact now. His answer, if there is one, will, or should confirm for you if your first intention to ignore him is the right answer or not.

At the moment the method he has used and the absence of this information is just screwing up your emotions and both you and your sisters deserve better than this. He clearly doesn't realise this other effect and if nothing else you should be entitled to put him straight on this point, without feeling that you are in some way giving him something he doesn't deserve by responding rather than ignoring.

Hey, Cyclefrance! Great post. Welcome back! [/thread drift]


Sent by thought transference

I think it's entirely possible that the guy doesn't even know that a letter was sent on his behalf. How many men say, "Sure honey, you reach out to my estranged family for me, that sounds like a good idea." And I bet Mary chose to contact the sisters first because she knows women are more likely to be receptive to that sort of thing. It's always the women who are the fence-menders between the stubbornly feuding men.

But if that's the case, ignoring the olive branch isn't going to do much harm, since it's not like the guy poured his own heart into some lengthy personal apology. At best, he's just willing to meet if they are. He's obviously not being eaten alive by guilt.

Maybe Mary is a beautiful woman, who is almost 21, initiating a meaningful relationship with his father where the desired goal is children. So many things may be racing through her mind. Should she be concerned that he had prior relationships with now estranged daughters and an estranged son? She seems very supportive of said relationships.

Did you ever consider that, huh huh, did you, huh? Smarty-pants. :p:

Hi CycleFrance! And thanks. Still not going to contact him but it's interesting to read the differing views.

And Sexobon, did you read the article and look at his pic? It would have to be one heck of a dumb young woman to get with that! LOL!!!