Please excuse my emotional distance this week
 

My divorce is back on.

:(

That really sucks man...we're here for you.

i feel for ya man. mine was finallized 2 weeks ago...

No wonder you're losing weight, that would kill anybody's appetite. Don't hesitate to call on Help 'R Us. I'm as serious as a heart attack, man. You've got a tremendous support group here if you need it. Or when you need it. :(

OK, here's the short list of things I need:

- A place to live
- A way to make money
- Personal fulfillment
- Human contact

I have not had #2, 3, or 4 for some time now so I may be able to go without for a while longer.

Naw, I swear I'm not trying to be an asshole. I'ma be ok in the long run, I always am.

I was laid off once; I spent the rest of the day grinning. Fuck them if they don't want me around. They'll regret it because I am awesome.

This can't be harder than the slow-burn failure of my business. What eases the strain relief here is that we almost managed to agree to divorce about a year ago but it didn't "take". This time it will definitely "take".

What I really need is time. The worst aspect of this one is that it's thrust upon me. She basically said Thank you for telling me about how you're excited about your third act of your life. I've been writing a third act too, except that it doesn't have you as a character. !!!!!

Hopefully it will work out for the best, man. But you've got 11 years invested in it...just be realistic.

I can't help you with 1, but I can help you with 2 and 4. 3 can only be handled by you though.

My divorce, although nearly ten years behind me now, is still the single biggest twinge I get when I think back over my life, even though I am vastly better off now than I was then, and in all areas possible.

I learned a lot of lessons back then...let me share them:

1. Never drink alone...it depresses you, and you hardly ever get laid. Drink conservatively, drink responsibly, and always drink with others, preferably single women.
2. Always remember that it takes two to tango. Therefore, whenever you feel like you've failed at your relationship, remember that the crazy bitch you were married to failed also.
3. Albums that are perfect while going through a divorce: Guns n' Roses' "G 'n R Lies", featuring " I Used to Love Her"; John Hiatt's "Ridin' With the King", featuring "I Say It With Flowers" (and, if there's a shadowy male correspondant mucking up the works, the song "She Loves the Jerk"), and Harry Nillsson's "Son of Schmillson", featuring "You're Breakin' My Heart."
4. Albums that are bad while going through a divorce - Anything by Air Supply, Barry Manilow or The Captain and Tennille. Come to think of it, those are just bad, period, anytime.
5. And the one truly serious piece of advice I have to offer, besides the responsible drinking part of #1...always, always, always keep the phone number of a friend handy, and always, always, always remember to use it when you are really feeling down. My friends probably literally saved my life a couple of times when my 13-year marriage was exploding and my kid was paralyzed in the hospital at the same time.

I wish you all the best, UT, and I know you'll come out alright on the other side.

Watch it on Barry Manilow...though you might want to add Carole King to the first part.

Last week an ex girlfriend gave me a CD she had burned for my birthday but don't tel the RIAA. As I listened to it and reflected on our failed relationship, I realized that's what music is about. Most popular music is about facets of the human condition, usually relationships with family, friends and lovers. When your relationships are good the music reinforces that. But when they're bad it reinforces that also. Avoid music especially Country & Western. ;)

I don't drink at all, actually. I do smoke a little weed on occasion for relaxation purposes, but it seems quite pointless right about now, I don't believe it would help any.

This was sudden - the earlier weight loss has nothing to do with it, but I haven't eaten much today.

Jesus! I mean, what the fuck am I gonna do? Jesus Fucking Christ on a Fucking Saltine!!!!!! Aughghh!

Hey! Does anyone want to live with me in an awesome house in Oaks? Very high speed unlimited Internet access, two dogs, cold pizza, 32" TV, your own two rooms, $800 rent? Anyone? I promise to be more emotionally stable soon.

Totally wish I could take you up on that offer dude ... 32" TV AND two dogs!!!

Sorry about what's going on. Hope it all resolves well.

...and TiVo, and cable, and central air, and a garage, and a deck. All the stuff needed for a great life except for, you know, the companion to which you can form a lasting emotional bond.

(I'll get better soon, this is the worst of it)

We've been talking about going to AC for a while now, UT...let's do it man...next weekend.

You, Sir, have a deal! Good call. Thanks!

I'd take you up on it if we weren't stationed in NoVA pretty permanently.

Don't forget about how we could set up our guitar and bass stuff next to each other and spontaneously jam. The King of Prussia SAIC office is 10 minutes away as are the retail outfits in the malls that Jenni could manage. Plus you could run your servers out of your residence. Think about it.

Watch out you guys, by Christmas he'll be hooked up with some awesome supermodel that owns a casino and you'll be out on your butts.;)

It looks like this life/thread is already turning around. Take care of yourself man and look for the opportunity in the debris. It's always there somewhere.

No majik bullet for that...
 

My tips from experience:

Don't look past today - don't think about the future. No one likes uncertainty so why dwell on it.

Don't take it personally - no one is perfect so its not helpful to think its happening because of something you did. Doing those same things in another context could be fine - its not you or someone else - its the relationship.

Look at the bright side - it ain't working so you'll be better off. But, for reasons I cannot guess, shedding one's self of a bad relationship hurts more than being in one. Just a curse of the human condition, I suppose. Sort of like a bad wisdom tooth - it hurts but yanking it out hurts more but that pain stops in a couple days and no one doubts that you are better off.

Hug your dog. We could learn a lot from a dog.

Tomorrow it won't hurt as bad. And the next day and the next. Don't look ahead, and don't fight it - let it flow through. Best to face it now 'cause undealt with emotions are probably the biggest cause of unhappiness I can think of. Just face it and get it over with - denial seems, on the surface, to be an act of strength but its really not (cowardice is too strong a word).

If anything in here seems to look like I'm characterizing you - its not - - these are the general ramblings of someone who has had to deal with this crap in the past and who is 50 times better off now. Hopefully, you will too.

Good luck! [Urge to attach dumb, patronizing smiley successfully resisted]

SupermodelS, Bruce....he has 2 rooms available :)

Thanks B. I think that first tip will be invaluable to me. I hadn't thought about it in those terms. You are really onto something. The future could be anything; all I have to do is think that it will be better, and do what I have to do, and let it arrive.

She actually insists that I get the dogs. This is not for their benefit, but theirs; she knows they will live a better life with me than with her. She leaves at 8 and comes home at 9.

*sigh*

I always knew that if she found herself on solid ground, with self esteem and a belief in herself, that it might mean she'd decide I was expendable. But I still tried to help her reach that solid ground. If I wanted to control her, I would have subtlely undermined her, so that she would have come to rely on me more. (I've seen that happen in, well, MOST relationships...)

So when I think about it that way, she is my greatest achievement in life; I took a struggling, confused 22-year-old and helped her to grow into a brilliant, independent 37-year-old. (Along the way I took myself from a brilliant, independent 24-year-old to a struggling, confused 39-year-old.)

In return, she is basically giving me the house.

That is the bottom line of our lives together.

I'm glad Pearl and Bean are there to help on this ride. Sometime the most appropriate response is a face lick. If I can help, you know,... you know.

You are definitely welcome to help the dogs lick my face! (*blush*)

This is where my lack of life experience kicks me in the ass. But there are a few things I've lived through that can apply, so...

1) Keep an open mind. The most important piece of advice I've ever gotten.

2) This day, too, shall pass.

3) Worrying never fixes the problem, and usually makes it worse. So don't do it.

You're the man, Tony. You'll land on your feet. And then we'll go get some mother fuckin' PAD GAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember UT, you've got gobs of well-deserved friends here, you're never alone. We love you Tony! The fact that we all communicate through on online medium does not indicate friendships with less depth.

I tossed a little in the Paypal tip jar which will hopefully help with the financial aspect of things... I've been enjoying the Cellar for a while on your dime, so I wish I could afford to give back even more.

If you need anything which we can provide, please ask.

Well Tone, being a young, newly-married whippersnapper myself, I can't really offer much in the advice department. But I do know how those first few weeks being away from my wife were like, and my deployment sure <i>seemed</i> like an eternity at the time.

So I'll just reiterate the "take it one day at a time" sentiment, and hang in there, man.

Very sorry to hear about it. Well, if it will make you feel any better, you're invited to the next BBQ at my house when the reconstruction is done. I was planning on inviting anyone who was at Plastic Forks, especially our host Bob.

Nothing like hot BBQ in front of a fireplace on a cold fall evening.

You all are great, you know that.

We don't have many friends. Last night talking about our situation, I pointed out that we both have a tiny set of people that we can call on for help and advice and a good word. She pointed out that I have the Cellar people beyond that. She's right. All your words and advice are very helpful.

In fact, working alone like I do, I don't know what I'd do without you all. So thanks for that too.

And the PayPal tip jar Is where?????:confused:

Look for the "PayPal Donate" icon at the very bottom of this page.

Thanks, Pas! I looked at the bottom of the Cellar page and didn't see it, even though it's there. must be a freudian thing. :D

Tony, I'm sure things will turn out okay. They always do. I wish I could be there for you in person, but unfortunately I'm too far away. If you need any advice or just an ear, though, I'm here. If something starts to get to you, just tell us about it. Just communicating problems sometimes helps. It certainly doesn't help to keep it bottled up.

In summary: Everything will be okay, and I'm here for you.

How much weight have you lost? That number is going down pretty steadily.

Depends whether one's countin' by my high water mark of two-fiddy, or the point at which I decided to start losing weight this time, 240.

Goin' by the latter, and my body's response to two pieces of pizza and a Coke (today's lone meal) I will have lost 10% of my body by tomorrow morning. Not bad for starting 6 weeks ago.

Wow.. nice job. How exactly are you doing it? The two-pieces-of-pizza-and-a-coke-a-day-diet?

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; You're a good man, UT. More so because you did this because you believed it was right, but didn't do you any good.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; You are also a wise man. Recognizing what we have done that is right, especially when we are in pain is one of the most difficult things for one to do.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; You'll be okay. Life is life, it's not easy nor fair. Personnaly, I've always believed that what matters is living a life you can respect yourself for. Sounds like you are doing well by that standard, even if you do say you're confused.

Thanks guy. I have always kind of found the broken women and tried to help them. My most serious girlfriend in college had been sexually abused by her father. My greatest hope is that she's happier today because we worked on it together. We are so often broken people, in a shattered society. I want to believe that we get what we give... it's only a little harder to believe that now.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I know what you mean. I gave up on the idea of karma or any other form of universal justice a long time ago. I just couldn't find any evidence for it.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The funny part was that facing a world with no exterior reason to be good, just or honorable I found the only decent reason to be any of these things: self-image.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I'm an honest, decent guy. I am so because I couldn't face my reflection if I wasn't. In the end I doubt you'll have a lot of regrets. You sound like you know you've done the right thing all along. It's sad when things fall apart, but since you've followed your beliefs you can still face yourself. In the end everyone is ultimately alone. You are the only one you truly have to answer to. From the sound of things, you've been living up to your own standards. That's really all that matters.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I was writing this in response to UT as OC posted... Talk about different approaches...

Tx OC! We will meet someday... I want to see if you talk in purple too.

Juju - I was on Weight Watchers for a while a few years back and I learned their points system, and it works quite well if one is committed to it. It's really just a simplified concept of calorie counting where they limit you to the right levels. Syc pointed out separately that I am blowing it by not getting enough calories, and he's right too; I've been under the WW lower limit for the last two days. Today I will eat.

It never fails that I lose weight best through 3 squares, about 1000-1700 calories a day, 30 minutes of walking every day, and 8-12 glasses of water.

UT's gonna be alright. We're gonna roll down to AC this weekend, eat at the White House, we'll get him a hooker...it'll rock!

My first wife wasn't exactly broken when I found her, but she was, shall we say, undereducated in the finer side of life? She was terribly naieve, a bit coarse, and really, really tunnel vision afflicted.

Over the course of our marriage, I tried to open her eyes a little; things like the philosophy of world religions (she was a Lutheran, period), tolerance of differing sexual identities (early in our marriage, she met a friend of mine who had had a couple of lesbian experiences, and was repulsed...later, they became best friends), a broader range of arts, etc, etc.

Like UT, I took some pride in her changes even after she'd gone. Then, one day, four or five years after we split and she had remarried, I drove up in front of her trailer house to find her sitting in a lawn chair on her porch, shucking corn into a paper sack, a cigarette hanging from her lips, a beer can between her feet, and her husband's rusting 70's vintage Ford Fairmont with a deer skull in the back window parked on the lawn in front of where she sat. I might have been able to bear all of that, but knowing that her last name is now Clampitt kind of finished it all off for me, and I drove away shaking my head, mumbling "13 years of teaching down the drain."

I had this same tendency for a while. One of my most serious girlfriends was a woman who had been raped a few years' prior to us getting together... her neighbor had snuck out on the roof of her apartment building, and watched her taking a bath. When she got out of the bath, he broke in and attacked her.

Needless to say, the result was terrible. In subsequent years, probably as a result of devastated self-esteem, she got involved in some really unfortunate relationships, with men who used and abused her. When I found her, she was an emotional ruin on several anti-depressant perscriptions. She put on a happy face, but it was superficial... she was miserable.

I had known her before the incident, we had worked together. When I ran into her later, I asked her out, we dated, and things began to get serious. I remember when she told me what happened to her... I had known something awful happened to her, but to have her tell me the story... damn.

I won't subject you to the boring details of our relationship, but the short version of the story is that I gave everything I had to help heal the wounds, and in the end, she was off medication, and relatively happy, her self-esteem greatly improved. That was probably why it was so easy for her to toss me aside, and pursue another man... who happened to be my best friend and roommate at the time... but that is a long, convoluted tale for another day.

The sad folly of trying to fix a broken woman with love is that there are two likely outcomes... one: you wil succeed, and she will become a confident woman who loves herself and is ready to begin living life, putting her unpleasant past behind her; or two: you will fail, and where there was one unhappy person, there will be two.

It takes profound decency and goodness to want to help someone heal their wounds, but it can also take profound sacrifice. But you succeeded my friend, and though it is a shit sandwich today, in the end you're a better person for having done it. The next thing to do, after a suitable healing time, is admit that you deserve to find someone that makes you deleriously happy-- not a charity case-- and go find her!

Sheesh. What a bunch of morose, wounded, and abused 'nice guys'. I can't help but wonder which of you is secretly a shallow womanizer.

C'mon. You can't all be decent people.


In all seriousness, UT, the only divorce I've watched has been my parents, from the outside. And neither of them have really opened up about it, so I couldn't say what they did good or bad, or provide any advice.

It doesn't seem like you're in desperate need of guidance at this point, anyway.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; It's sad that she was ever repulsed though. I know that I'd love to have a "couple of lesbian experiences" myself. Ah well, to each their own.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Hey! This thread needed to lighten up a bit. Lemme alone. (Unless you can hook me up with that lesbian experience...)

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Feh, "meeting their needs" is most of the fun to me. Sounds like it'd be worth a try... or a dozen tries anyway...
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Whooo-hoooo! You are officially my hero! To use the colloquialism, you go girl!

Skunks, if it puts some perspective on things, I just spent the last half hour bawling like a baby. And I haven't made any plans for the next half hour.

I'm not saying that to get support. I know it's gonna be an emotional rollercoaster. And I'm the last one to go all needy on everyone, I'm not gonna do that. But you can bet that every single bit of support is meaningful and helpful and appreciated.

Even if somebody is saying Damn! That sucks Tone! That helps. In my most cynical of moments I couldn't imagine how it could help. But being here, I find it does help.

Uh...it is most of what I'd always heard. The rest would take practice, and perhaps some enhanced flexibility, both physically and mentally.

I can tell you this much...don't get involved in something like that if any one of the trio has self-confidence or jealousy issues...bad, bad, bad...

Lisa just drew my attention to this thread. Tony, please let me know if you'd like to come hang out with us for an evening; we live so close it'd be dumb not to. I'm PMing you my phone number

Tony, we all know that if one of us took a blow, you'd be right there offering help, so don't stress about coming off as needy. A person's only "needy" if they want to take more than they'd give.

I can send you my phone number if you need somebody to shoot the shit with, I'm up half the night every night anyway. I know that's not too helpful, but I'll do what I can.

Tony, perhaps if you told us more of the situation, how you feel, or what you're thinking about, we might be able to help you feel a little better? It certainly doesn't help to keep things bottled up, and it might help to talk about it.

lisa called me directly and we talked for a good hour... I am reconnecting to a lot of people.

Juju, I think now that this is just what happens in a divorce situation. I never understood it before; how can it be SO painful? Nobody dies, people are just trying to improve on life's situation.

But it's the emotional bonds that make it painful - take any non-marital breakup you've had, and multiply it by ten.

At the same time, I've written a longer version of the story to a few people, and I've told the longer version on the phone to about 6 people, and the big picture coalesces.

Practically every thought I've had for 11 years and in the 5 years before that when we were going out, has been with her involved in some way. What we're doing tomorrow, next week, next month is always with the other in mind. Now suddenly it's not, and everything around me is another little reminder that things are different now, and I'm confused. I sit in the chair she picked out, pet the dogs we raised, consider watching the show we were gonna watch.

Thr future we were going to have, that now only confuses me. Will I make it? Will it be incredibly painfully lonely? Maybe it won't! But it becomes more terrifying because of the confusion.

I don't see much of a response to this, and I write it because you asked and I think people may find it interesting. And maybe not a road accident sort of interesting. I just put it out there, there it is...

Y'know, maybe that's just it. Maybe I'm too cynical, unscarred, and naive to sympathize with, as I said, something I've only ever observed from a good bit of distance.

Give me a few years, alright?


Which isn't to say I don't see where you're coming from, either: I can dig that it sucks for you. I'm just having trouble with the magnitude, apparently.


<font size="-2">(...So, er, about those lesbians...?)</font>