The Shitjob Chronicles - my personal tales of working with bumfuks
 

For anyone not familiar with this theme, check out <a href="http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4084" <a> this thread to get up to speed </a>

I hope you enjoy these. They've been a hoot in real life and to write about. Most are not totally 100% factual but based on an event or something specific done or said. Many are 95% fact but none are total fiction.

There are about 50 story lines in development with 5 or so continually ready for posting, of which one will get posted every week.

Feel free to comment or ask questions but understand I dont want to release any proper names or specific procedures of the company.

Hillbilly Nascar

There are many things about working here with all these bumfucks that are strange. Not many are stranger than their racing at lunch though. The first time I witnessed the challenge firsthand, it was sort of low key and informal. We were all in the breakroom talking before the station assignments and the usual suspects were spouting the usual nonsense. I didnt really pay attention until I heard some unique key phrases through the white noise of hillbilly banter.

QuitCherBitchin: Everyone here knows I got the fastest ride in the lot. I've never been beat.
CanMan :W-W-Well, y-y-you can prove it by racing me at l-l-lunch. W-W-We'll see whos got the f-f-fastest ride.
QuitCherBitchin: Yer on dumbass, but lets make it interesting. Let's make this worth my while. You got $20 that says your shitbox is faster?
CanMan: Yer on asshole! (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
QuitCherBitchin: Lunch it is. (hands a $20 bill to TatooHead)
TatooHead: Ok, now we just need to go over some rules here.....blah, blah, blah......

The CanMan is a strange but hard working guy. He's known through the plant as the "can man" because he's always collecting returnable cans and bottles. He doesnt just collect them, it's a passion with him. It seems bizarre to me that people like "can man" will put so much effort into collecting and cleaning cans for their nominal value, yet wouldnt even think about taking a tech course for some kind of certification that would increase his salary substancially. In any case, he's a pleasant guy in his forties thats been there for 5 years. He stutters a bit and I've always made a point to be patient with him because a lot of other people arent. I also make it a point to throw my cans and bottles on the conveyor that rolls toward him, so he can easily collect them. This seemingly small investment of my patience and effort has yielded a healthy return as he helps me with information that is valuable. Information like who in management is looking at what defects, and how to avoid them.

QuitCherBitchin is a thin guy around 30 with long red hair and a weathered face. He's a likeable guy although he often sees the classic worker/mangement conflict as "us and them". He ponders some interestingly deep issues and he's one of the few I would even bring up politics with. His whole life's path was apparently derailed by a failing grade at trig in highschool, which is the single reason he's not a highly paid and respected pilot today. He couldnt get into pilot's school having failed trig though he was in the ROTC program, and didnt even try to get a retest. Sounds suspicious to me but he is good at his work and pleasant to me.

TatooHead is about my age, 35. He's got the classic couch potato profile with a shaved head, a goatee, and a tatoo thats says "fuck off" on the back of his head. Very scary looking but friendly, helpful and trustworthy. He works away from the line so I dont see him much but he's often a referee of sorts because we all trust him and he's got seniority at the plant. He's another strange man I would never had even talked to because of his appearance, if it werent for this job. Guys like him kick the asses of guys like me when we wear white button down shirts.

So it seemed that everything was set. During the first break, they set up the course as someone distracted NiteSuper who would have ended the race beforehand if he knew.

Then racetime came and I hurried to my car to grab my digcam, hoping maybe to get some awesomely vivid hillybilly crash pics to post on the cellar. I powered up the flash descretely and imagined where one of these guys would crash.

They started their cars and stood briefly in the midst of each racer's fans.

slang: Hey, you know the company handbook specifically forbids drag racing ?
QuitCherBitchin: Yeah, maybe it does, but this aint drag racing, it's Nascar. We're racing down the parking lot, then turning left and racing down the side of the building. Turning left, just like Nascar! ( very proud of himself for recognizing the distinction)
slang: How on earth could I have overlooked such an obvious difference?

They both rolled up along side each other for last minute instructions, then they were off to the starting line.

CanMan: I'll be Jeff Gordon. (revs the engine) And I'll kick your ass, just like he would!
QuitCherBitchin: I got the hat dumbass! (points to his Jeff Gordon ball cap) I'm Jeff Gordon! You can be Tony Stewart.
CanMan: I dont like Tony Stewart! He finished twelfth at Watkins Glen!
QuitCherBitchin: Quit yer bitchin and get ready................Tony Stewart. :)

And so they drove to the makeshift starting line and before I knew what was what, they were flying towards us. The crowd was standing at the corner of the building so we could see the entire race. The finish line was a telephone pole and TatooHead was the witness. As they both tried to get the inside lane to make the turn, CanMan's truck slid way out into the field and was moving sideways through the light brush. He had missed the turn completely and I ran out towards the still moving truck, cam in hand. CanMan's truck came to a stop and I could hear him bitching. The only pic I could have taken was of him all flustered, and maybe some tire tracks proving his lack of stability in the turn.

QuitCherBitchin: Haa! Jeff Gordon always beats Tony Stewart dumbass!
CanMan: Fuck off! I'll be back at cha when I get some weight in the back of this truck! Then we'll see who's faster.
QuitCherBitchin: Dont forget another $20 bill! $20 is a lotta cans there dumbass! That's my minimum.

The re-challenge still stands. I now wish I had snapped a pic.......of my first hillbilly nascar race.

Outstanding narration, Slang. Chris Economaki (sp) is in deep shit. This is why I've always enjoyed working in the shop more than the office.

Hmm, if your gonna do this weekly, you could prolly get your own forum ..

Oh, and what happened when DaySuper saw the skid marks leading from the corner of the lot?

Just curioius - isn't ALL Nascar hillbilly Nascar?

Naw, that's a myth. Actually the demographics on Nascar fans is pretty startling. It's like the badass Harley Criminal Dudes that are really lawyers and stockbrokers. Hmmm...come to think of it, they are criminals.....:haha:

ROFLMAO!!! i'm laughing so hard i can barely type!!! i think we call it NECKCAR! (here in houston anyway)

slang, my compliments on the neckcar story! i could picture it as you said it! (oh, and i work with a guy who fits marineguys description only this guy was in the airforce in norad as a sergeant. now, a CAD operator (was a programmer of unix and a ladder logic program that's not used today unless no upgrades have been made). i could go on but i digress. well maybe a little taste. he's actually a very good guy away from work but holy hell, at work he's an ass. example: (telling our super) "the next time these drawings come across my desk and they have there "such and such" fubared YOU need to go tell Lou (our I.T.) that there is a problem and to go and fix it. funny thing is that we work in a relaxed atmosphere. there is no reason for him to say what he says (orders and the like) when he should go and tell Lou himself. he just likes to hear himself roar i guess. not to mention that we have made a dictionary to translate all of the "big words" that he uses only he uses them wrong, or they're just completely made up.

erf!:drunk:

Good story Slang , i don't even want to relate how many times i have seen stuff like this . As I live in the sticks 20 miles behind the back side of no where raceing is king , dirt track , NASCAR , hell any thing with wheels is raced around here . You should hear the sounds of all the bubbas in there pickups on a sunday after a race out here , it sounds like Daytona!
I personaly don't get Nascar , drive ,turn left , drive ,turn left ,drive ,turn left . Where is the challange ??? Now I am not saying I could hang with the big boys on this , but DAMN how hard could it be ????
I always like to mess with the bubbas when they start that Nascar crap "Nascar ain't shit , you want to see some REAL raceing watch a Rally race some time , those Motherfuckers are CRASY !!!" 500hp all wheel drive mixed terrain against the clock , you don't have the excuse that Billy-Bob spun you out .
You eather win or you loose !!!!! You can drive or you can't !!!
here's a link to the WRC
http://www.wrc.com/en_GB/default.htm

Fuck yeah - rally racing actually takes driving skill as opposed to a stupid oval track snoozefest.

Isn't ladder logic for PLC's?
What did NORAD do woth those? Make Vending machines?

Pro Rally is my favorite racing sport (although I admit to watching Indy most years). I always wanted to drive Pro Rally, but can't afford to support a car.

And strangely, not far from Slangsylvania and Grifftopia, is one of the best US Rallies. I used to go to work the race in the mid-late 80s. It was a lot of fun, and the world's greatest steak house (The Steak House) is located across the street from the Wellsboro Hotel (not the Motel, that's down the way a bit).

Susquehannock Trail Pro Rally

yeah, we still use it with allen-bradley PLC's (micrologix), i still can't remember that system that he was supposed to be an expert in, even sober!:rolleyes:

bah, norad is where he learned unix. his main function there was to watch the skies for ICBM's on radar. like i said though, great guy outside of work but at work, shheesh!

Exatumundo !!!! A trained monkey could driveNASCAR .


Doesn't this look like more fun ?????

Point of order. Driving in Nascar takes a tremendous amount of skill and ability. Driving any vehicle anywhere at 200 mph is no joke. Unfortunately the cars are so fast they can't race anymore. When they could, it was fun and required a whole other bunch of skills than they use now.
You've got the right. My brother is a past president of the New England Region SCCA, and races an old RX7 on the paved courses. It's a middle of the pack effort in a lower class and still costs a fortune to field. The amount of money it takes to be competitive is astounding and in Pro Rally it is stratospheric. Most people couldn't afford the lights which can run up to $1,000 A pair. :eek:

Granted , but so does driveing fast in rush hour traffic .

Ever delt with a 40+' long 60,000+ lb multi axeled vech in down town rush hour traffic in the rain ???? It is do'able , but still no fun .

Rally raceing may be expencive ( so is nascar ) , and it may be dangerious ( ditto nascar ) , take a tremendous amount of skill and ability( ditto #2 nascar)but it just looks like more fun to me .

Not trying to cause problems here just express my opinion :cool:

It looks like fun but the way these guys do it, it's intensely (and deadly) serious business. Plus these people are conditioned athletes and still feel like they've been run through the washer and dryer then next day. Guys like John Buffum or Rod Hall will feel like NFL linebackers as they age.:D

insoluble - i remember now, it was SCADA systems, wasn't atari more powerfull?? (j/k):p

i used to race supercross and motocross as a teenager, that was grueling! i found muscles that i didn't even know i had, as well as breaking a few bones along the way. any kind of racing involves concentration, physical fitness as well as mental fitness. it's a huge demand on the body and brain. i commend anyone who has raced anything and also commend the fans b/c without them, well, we'd still do it but they make it more fun for the show!

Don't you know your name?


Much of the work we do each night is done with pairs of people. The normal molding equipment is heavy and 2 people are encouraged to handle it. The average item to be lifted and carried is a frame of fiberglass and angle iron about 4 ft by 2 1/2 ft by 1 foot. These weigh 78 lbs. The worker needs to walk them about 20 feet down the line every 2 to 3 minutes and stack them in a pile. There are lighter and heavier similar items to be lifted in the normal course of making sinks. The heaviest is 200 lbs, and the lightest is about 35. In addition to the equipment, the sinks themselves have to be put onto the conveyor belt, and into the grinder. It's a lot of lifting, no matter how you look at it, and you find yourself asking for help, waiting for someone, or helping someone all through the night.

Most of the time I work right down the line from HoseMan. I call him HoseMan because he uses the high pressure hose (120 psi) to blow debris from the molds and because he is always after the few females at the plant. He's also been known to have a certain woman from the shop "check out his hose" while inside her car, after dark during break.

HoseMan is about 5-10, #230 with a shaved head and a great attitude. He's a great worker and we joke about MarineGuy when he marches around telling everyone what to do. HoseMan is working at the plant to satisfy a probation order that he be employed, a stipulation of his release from prison on a cocaine possession charge. It really surprises me that HoseMan has such a past. He's a conscientious and consistent worker, but by his own admission, only because of the court order.

If I were to catagorize anyone at the plant as a pal, it'd be HoseMan. I get along with the entire crew but just not consistently. HoseMan is the most likely to cover for you while you take care of other business and knows how to to tell a joke and mock people without starting real fights. There are several funny people here but HoseMan is the funniest.

On this particular shift he was working at putting the sinks on the conveyor, which is a tough job. It's a lot of lifting which he normally does by himself but probably should not be.

This is the diolog between us after he yelled at me several times for help.

HoseMan: HEY! Dont you know your own fucking name?
slang: Huh...oohh, sorry. I've not answered to that name for years. Hell, most people dont even know what my real name is.
HoseMan: Well what do you answer to? HEY DUMBASS?!
slang: well actually, I'd prefer a loud "hey" followed by a finger point to what you'd like my help lifting. Thats what I do.
HoseMan: Whatever.

Then about 15 minutes later the same thing happened again.

HoseMan: (walks about 20 feet over to me) Mister "HEY"? Can I please have your help for a minute?
slang: Sure, but you did that wrong. It'd be quicker for both of us if you'd say ...."HEY" , then point to what you want help with, you dont need to walk down here every time you need help.

So this went on for about another hour or so and then HoseMan asked me;

HoseMan: So what do they call you outside of work here? What fancy pants, better than all of us name are you called? Sir (slang's real name)? King (slang's real name)?
slang: No, it's a long story dude. I dont like my birthname so I shitcanned it years ago. Since I call you HoseMan, why not just call me ClampMan?
HoseMan: Your real name is Gaylord Focker, isn't it!?........ Isnt it!!
slang: No. It's ClampMan, can we get beyond this?
HoseMan: OK GAY FUCKER!!! (points to a sink to be lifted) lol Have it your way.

damn, you crack me up dude!:thumb: (hehehe, you said hose!)

Another winner, Slang. Clampman...Hmmm.....The images that conjures up.....;)

Thanks Bruce.

We use a lot of vise grip type clamps to secure forms to molds. They normally get wax and polymer buidup on them and sometimes I clean them up. Someone called me clampman once and it sounded better than GasMan (another name that fits).

I just have one question:


Are you a pothead, Focker??










if i hadn't asked, you know you would have

The Inner Marine

We had a new guy start the other week and he was confused about our beloved MarineGuy. This new guy has a lot of potential of being a good employee, so I did what I could to help him out,

AmishGuy: Hey, is that MarineGuy always like that? I mean....such a pain in the ass?
slang: lol Captain kickass? Yes. Why, what did he do that's buggin' ya?
AmishGuy: He's got a lot of stories, I'll say that. And he's fucking bossy, is he the supervisor here?
slang: Well.......dont tell him, but no. That's ok though, having just completed "boot camp" myself I can give you some pointers. He told me the other day that you're doing really good. That's important to MarineGuy. Dont tell him I told you so though, that kinda goes against the "boot camp" psychology.
AmishGuy: What's that mean?
slang: The working theory is that when you peel away the razor stuble and the smelly clothes, the huge bullshit stories and the loud abnoxious comments, he's an ok guy. But you have to appeal to the "inner marine" in him. He spent about half of his adult life in the Marines. He also goes on and on about seeing combat. But, the important thing is you have to go along with him AND speak his language. At least until you graduate "boot camp", then you can fuck with him just like any other asshead here.
AmishGuy: He challenged me to a fight outside tonight. I think he was serious.
slang: Prolly was.You must have disrespected his authority in some way. You cant do that til you graduate boot camp.
AmishGuy: Ok. When's that?
slang: Well, you're on your way. Taking the initative to do something proactive to avoid downtime helps. So does just taking on more than you can reasonably handle as a newguy. He respects that. Sure, he'll still bark at you sometimes and boss you around, but when the shit hits the fan, you want him backing you up, it's that simple. When he helps you out and at the same time yells at you or calls you a name, you're through boot camp.
AmishGuy: Ok, well I'll look to you for cues.
slang: You just have to understand how he thinks.....and how he talks to other people. He doesnt use the word please and he only understands and respects loud harsh words. Watch and learn Mr Newbie.

slang: (walks down toward MG and pushes by him without saying excuse me or giving a courtesy tap) GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY, YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER!!
MarineGuy: (moves quickly out of the way) SUCK MY ASS, PECKER HEAD!!

After this brief demonstration I came back around to talk to AmishGuy again.

slang: So after the initial rash of bullshit he hurls at you has thickened your skin and he knows you dont pussy out of doing tough things, yer in. Just one last thing, you can spit in his soda and throw powder in his face, you can tell him he's full of shit, and call him a cocksucker, but...... ..........DONT..EVER..SAY..ANYTHING..NEGATIVE..ABOUT..THE..MARINES!!

I'm enjoying these, Slang...do keep them going!

Fucknin-a-Skippy !!!!!!!!!!
Bad mouthing the corps will get your ass kicked on general princaple .

Superb, Slang. You're gathering enough characters for the Great American novel. :)

The Fan

Anyone who has spent any time in an industrial environment is familiar with the standard industrial appliances.One of the most common would be a big fan. In factories, they're used for cooling products and people as well as redirecting air to deflect dust and debris. There is one other use for these fans that only factory workers can truly appreciate, for horseplay or basic revenge.

Towards the middle of the production line, which is about 70 feet long, stands a very powerful large industrial fan. The official purpose of the fan is to cool the sinks as they solidify. Immediately after they are removed from the molds, the sinks are soft but need to harden quickly for the next stage of the process. In about 15 feet, the temp should fall sharply to give the sink "blank" rigidity. To do this requires a enormous flow of air, which is generally regarded as a great thing for those who work in that section of the line. Sometimes it really isnt a good thing for the line workers though, but only sometimes.

Imagine the Walmart fan you might have in your home. The kind that stands on it's own and ocitllates. Now imagine the fan gaurd and blades being 36 inches in diameter instead of maybe 12 or 18. Then imagine, instead of some pussy ass 110 volt 1/8 HP motor, it has a 10 HP motor. The blades in your fan are plastic, the blades in this dude are metal......and have a very aggressive pitch. So much so that when it's running and the other equipment isnt, it sounds like a low flying plane. The gaurd for the blades is also heavy duty stainless steel and extremely strong. I cant say how much thrust it makes but the base that holds the fan unit complete, down to the ground and stable, is a piece of 2" plate steel about 3 foot in diameter. It's a pain in the ass to move. Pretty heavy duty compared to the residential fan, for sure.

This Hurculean fan in itself isnt anything funny, but combined with the particulate matter that constantly settles on it, sets the stage for a very common sink factory gag.

Anyone that has been here for more than a week has seen the potential humor of this awesome fan. When you start shift, before the machines even crank up, the smart line worker turns the fan off then taps the guard. This knocks all the powder that has collected on it, onto the floor without it shooting into your face, as it would if it were running. Over the course of just a few hours though, the dust deposites back into the guard.

The victim of the gag can be anyone. Someone just passing down the line or someone like HoseMan actually working in the immediate area the fan ocilates into. The perpetrator can be anyone that can hit the fan with some type of projectile from any line of sight.

The execution is very simple but hilarious. Hit the fan guard with something hard enough to knock the powder into the fan's airstream but not hard enough to damage the fan guard or blades. The powder falls off the guard and the air shoots it directly into the face or drink of the victim. The duration of the blast is about a second and if you arent paying attention, it's easy to get nailed. The fan sits about 8 feet from the victim and the "snowstorm" is generally thick enough that you cant see through it for the second or so that it's happening.

The aftermath of the snowstorm is generally a light dusting on the skin, contamination of your uncovered drink, and in some rare cases, getting it in your eyes around your safely glasses. Nothing serious because you know what to look for after an attack. Clean your glasses, get a new drink and move on. No biggie.

After this happens a few times you get wise though, and the cackling wiseasses need a new victim. It seems they put some thought into the whole thing though, as I found out the other night. Whenever I work in the danger zone, I keep my eyes open for BigShouldersGuy and HoseMan trying to nail the fan and get me in the process. Anyone can tell they're up to no good by the expressions they hold just before they "fire" at the fan. When I see the suspicious pattern emerging, I take cover. Getting nailed is funny the first 1000 times but gets old after that.

This one night though, there wasnt anyone next to me on the line, so I let my guard down.

UnknownSniper: ( fires a shot into the fan ) TINK! WHOOOOSH!
slang: ( looks around and only sees people laughing at some distance ) dammit, you got me.

This happened 2 more times that night and each time was a total surprise. Then it happened again and then I decided I'd been blasted enough.

UnknownSniper: ( fires a shot into the fan ) TINK! WHOOOOSH!
slang: ( looks around and only sees people laughing at some distance ) GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!........ HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING ME FROM THAT FAR!!? ( covered with dust for the 4th time in one night )

At this point I see BigShouldersGuy stand up from a kneeling position with something in his hands at a distance of at least 30 feet. He is smiling but not outright laughing like most of the other distant workers.

slang: ( walks over to the smiling BSG ) ( using a bitchy tone) How the fuck are you?
BSG: Ok.
slang: What ya got there smiley?
BSG: A tube.
slang: Yeah? What is it?
BSG: Just something I made on lunch yesterday.
slang: Really!?
BSG: Yep. I really like it

This new toy that he made was a piece of steel tubing 4 feet long with an attachment for a standard high pressure air nozzle and some contraption looking suspiciously like a crude rifle sight.

slang: Thats nice! Looks familiar though. Looks like um.....now I know this sounds silly....a rifle to hit the fan and dust me from long distances.
BSG: TatooHead always said that yer a smart dude.( big wiseass smile )
slang: Do I need to employ counter sniper tactics here at work now, or, worse for you, get captain kickass in on this?
BSG: Hey, lighten up man. It was funny, I'll get someone else now.
slang: You sure do seem to have a lot of spare time.....to make a sniper rifle and all.
BSG: What, you think you're the only guy in the world that can design shit? Actually the hardest part was finding the ammo. Those little rubber stoppers ended up working best, you gotta lube them with the slurry wax first though.
slang: ( hairy eyeball )

:applause:

Wow! Two shitjob stories in one night, and both awesomely fun and entertaining. :D

(Our idea of entertaining at work is seeing how many times we can bounce free crap from drug reps off the ceiling fan blades, or the "which body fluid would be worse to get on you" conversation. I do less heavy lifting though.)

Dude these storys are pure gold !!! :D :D
Keep them comeing ..

Reminds me of a steel mill i go to every now and then . In all steel mills they brew their batches so there is slag on top( some thing to do with drawing out impuritys ) , any way when they are going to pour off the liquid steel they have to pour off the slag first . Some mills pour the slag in to big slag pots , some pour it in a water cooled trough . This mill uses the trough method . When they hire a new maint man the old guys ALLWAYS find some reason for him to be close to the trough , and when his back is turned they throw arasol cans in the trough ( ever seen a can of WD-40 blow up ??) blowing moltentent slag ALL over the place . They tried this shit on me once but i had seen it done Tooo many times to other folks .:cool:

Somehow I sense that was part 1 of the story and the future is unwritten.:haha:

I hadta leave early

Without humor, this whole excercise in futility ( working a shitjob ) would be unbareable. Fortunately for me, there are some people here with a sense of humor. AmishGuy is one of the few that ocassionally say something noteworthy. One of his first nights here I knew we'd at least get along if not be pals. The dialog went something like this:

slang: Hey AmishGuy , there's a horse out here in the side field. Is that your ride?
AmishGuy: Was there a black cart behind it?
slang: No. lol
AmishGuy: Well then, it isnt mine!

Finally, someone with enough brainpower to be funny without demeaning one of the dumb mother fuckers on second shift. Things are getting better.

So AG is on the short list of people I actually say hello to and engage in general small talk. The majority of the psychos and wastelings just bitch about something of absolutely no consequence to themselves or anyone else. Sometimes he surprises me though, like just the other day:


slang: Hey AG, how's it going today?
AmishGuy: Ok. I had to leave early last night though. Christ, I was so fucked up.
slang: Well the flu is going around bad this year and every time I even go into the breakroom I know I'm going to feel sick soon after.
AmishGuy: What the fuck are you talking about, I ran outta beer. Thats why I hadta leave early.
slang: You....ran....out....of ....beer? I dont see the connection between beer and leaving early.
AmishGuy: lol Yeah, I brought a 12 pack to work, put 6 in the toilet tank and 6 in the car. CanMan thought I had the shits. Between the first break, lunch and taking shit breaks, I ran outta beer early......and hadta leave. That was really stupid of me though. I coulda got nailed.
slang: The company frowns on drinking at work.......they're weird like that. You know, I told HRGuy in a mini-meeting yesterday that you're good.
AmishGuy: I am.......but I'm even better after a few beers.
slang: If anyone else asks, I'll just tell them you are a lot less annoying than most of the other guys and have the cognitive ability to be witty on the fly.
AmishGuy: ( checks his fly ) huh?
slang: ( look of disappointment )

He comes up with some real interesting one liners too. They arent "break down and cry" funny but good in comparison to the other simply stupid things some of the other guys think is funny.

As I entered the restroom I saw him at the sink.

slang: ( sees some idustrial toilet cleaner sitting on the shelf.....grabs it and fake pours it into AG's hands at the sink ) Here, you're gonna want something with more horsepower to take the germs off your hands from this fucking place.
AmishGuy: ( pulls his hands away from the fake stream of cleaner ) No thanks man, I dont want to get that on my dick when I jerk off later.

In the sink factory lingo, thats a funny........compared to something really fucking stupid like this:

slang: ( at the beggining of the shift meeting in the breakroom, just saying my general purpose hello ) Good morning.
PaintChipEater: Morning!!?? If it's morning, I guess we can go home. ( laughs at his own stupid joke hysterically.....alone. )
slang: ( look of disbelief that I'm actually working with this guy )

Every night there's material for another little funny story, so they've been backing up in my " to be posted" folder.

Thanks for the positive comments, I may be posting more than 1 a week for a while as long as there are people that like to read them.

Back to work now. Later.

Did you ever wonder what they would write ablout you....if they could write.:typing: :D

Ok...so, how did AmishGuy get his handle? I mean, your descriptions of him don't sound like any Amish person I've ever met.

Bruce:

I actually have thought about that. They have also said among themselves things like "man, that guy asks a lot of questions". Thats because they often work against their own efforts and dont coordinate their work.

You cant make suggestions to these guys without receiving resistance, so, I ask questions instead.

Something like; " if you are doing this operation....and I am doing that.....doesnt it make sense for me to do such n' such to assist you" ? My thinking is that if they can see the wisdom of me prepping them for their specific job, that they might do the same for others.

My hope has been to show some cause and effect as well as inspiring some teamwork. The majority of these guys are so wrapped up in trying to do the absolute least amount of work as possible, that they dont see how some simple changes would make working here much more enjoyable and productive. It's true that the company has fucked many of them, but if you plan on staying at the job, why not make it as painless as possible? And if you plan on finding another job, why not just bite the bullet and try to make things go as smoothly as possible until you leave? At the very least, in doing this, the management wouldnt hassle you and you could focus on taking the steps required to get another job. This philosophy is far from contagous though.

Ep:

When AG started, he wore solid, dark colored button down shirts and old style "Ben Franklin" spectacles. His beard was also long, so he reminded me of an amish guy......until he spoke anyway.

I've worked in a lot of places with similar characters, so I know what you're talking about, Slang. I just wonder where THEY think YOU are coming from.
Oh, and sometimes instilling logic only annoys the pig.:haha:

True, but to my amazement, one of these guys calculated a substandard mix ratio in his head the other day. Even if he had a chart he couldnt have known this specific figure off the top of his head so I know they arent stupid. Maybe they're autistic, like rain man?

Funny comment anyway Bruce. Not too far off visually* either. :)


* - being the studly bastard that I am, I can say that with a straight face.

Pure gold !!!!!!

You are refering to real world logic , industrial logic works just the opposite , reverse logic as it were . If it makes sence and is logical do just the oppisite .

slang...........these are amazingly good. =) keep 'em rolling. maybe you should start an underground company newsletter?

I'll kick his ass for ya

I guess it makes sense that in white collar work some people define themselves on how smart they are or how well they can perform their "thinking" job while blue collar workers focus on physical tasks. At the shitjob, some people go a step further. They brag about how they can kick a specific person's ass.

When one of the trained monkeys get wound up and intentionally do something violent that affects us all ( read....affects me ) I get bitchy and sometimes yell with my new and strengthened loud "shop voice". This attracts attention and in this one case BSG came by with a deal. He's always been a strange guy but I thought this was one of his best moments.


slang: GOD DAMMIT, QUIT SLAMMING THE LINE!! YOU DONT NEED TO SLAM THE MOLDS TO GET THE JOB DONE!!

BSG: ( hears me yelling and comes over to my station on the line) Hey, I can go down there and kick his ass for ya. It'll cost ya 2 bucks though.

slang: Really? Sounds like a bargain.

BSG: Yeah, hell I'm married and I got 4 kids. I dont even see my paycheck. I'm always open to making some cash on the side. You see the hot wax tank there? I'll stick my hand in it for 5 bucks.

slang: Yeah but then you'll be out for a week and I'll end up doing some suck ass job because you'll be out for medical.

BSG: Ok, well you decide whos ass you want me to kick then. I need some spending cash. Hey, have you ever seen a general manager get clocked? I got 5 more weeks on probation, then I could do that for ya.

slang: No, that's ok. The GM is a cool guy, I dont have any issues with him. I'll keep that in mind for any potential future conflicts though.

BSG: Well that would cost ya 500 bucks but if you got the cash, in 5 weeks I can make it happen.

Bring a pallet over


When working at a factory there are many hazards. Most of them are manageable but when many hazards are collected in space, it gets crazy.

slang: Ya know, I was just thinking, it's too easy and safe to get around these obstacles here. You see that welder over there? We need to bring it over here so it's right in the way.....plugged in. We need a good tripping hazard. Look around and see if there is any thick grease available or ball bearings, we could use those too. Oh, and bring a pallet of the powder right over here, right in the way. It's entirely too easy to navigate these obstacles......too many resources are being used in the actual manufacture of sinks instead of dodging the bullshit we use to make them.

CanMan: (confused) well , ok.

About 20 minutes later the forkliftguy comes up to the line.

forkliftguy: (Beep, Beep) Hey! Someone said you wanted a pallet of powder down here? Where should I set it down?

slang: DOESNT ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SARCASM!!!!!!

forkliftguy: Hey ya dont have to be an asshole, make up your mind, do you want it here or not?

how much do you think it would cost to have him visit sycamore? ;)

Well.....he'd need expense money too. I'll pitch the figure of $30 him and see what he says.

Ahh, excuse me

Does everyone here know my background and how strange I am? Well, I consider myself pretty strange in several ways but its always interesting to talk to some of the team members at length just for the entertainment value. Hey, everybody has their quirks. It's the variation of the quirks that I find so interesting.

There's a guy on the team. His name for the chronicles is Albert, short for Albert Einstein. Hes 40 years old, about 6'4 at about 350#, lives at his parent's home, doesnt drive or own a car, and from what I have gathered from many conversations, about 30 (!!) credits shy of a BS in something obscure, cant remember exactly what he said.

I dont know exactly what happened to him but it seems he "let go of the rope" many years ago during his college days and has settled in to a life that makes me crazy just thinking about.

There are only a few people that will hang out with him but I think hes pretty funny to listen to in moderation. It's not the things he says that is so funny but the things he does while he is talking.

This is an example of one of the many things he does that just cracks me up. He's slamming a 20oz Coke in between breaths in this conversation.

Albert: So....I was watching this special last night on Nova. The show on metaphysics. Wow, that was cool. They detailed the effects of Einsteins theories in space and how they relate to blah-blah

slang: (listening politely)

Albert: And then they show Steven Hawken ( BUUUUUUURP!! ) ....Ah, excuse me....and he talks about the relationship between blah-blah

slang: ( totally unphased by the enormous burp )

Albert: So then they show the old letters from Einstein and how he was really right about all this but no one was smart enough at the time to prove the theory......( BUUUUUUURP!! ) ....Ah, excuse me...because, you know, they didnt have computers back then and the modern computers can make theoretical models to prove this kind of thing.....

slang: ( again totally unphased by the enormous burp )

Albert: So anyway, the whole unified field theory is fascinating to me personally, when I was in college.... ( BUUUUUUURP!! ) ....Ah, excuse me....I had a roommate that was studying physics and he'd explain the workings of the mathematical aspect of the---

slang: Hey Albert....I dont really give a shit if you belch out loud to the point that people in Towanda can hear you, thats totally cool. It's the the "ah, excuse me" part that's ridiculous. Tell you what, I'll stay clear of any projectiles thrown from the burp, and you just leave off the "excuse me" part. That's fucking stupid, excuse me infers some sincere embarassment or an apology, and it's quite clear that you'll be belching for the entire conversation.

Albert: Ok.....so anyway, then they showed some computer program running that simulated the.........( BUUUUUUURP!! ) .... planets of this solar system and blah-blah-blah.......

Clamp man

Before every shift, there is a shift meeting . The shift super assigns people to the various stations based on who showed up that day and the ability of the workers. Sometimes people are overlooked as the super is focusing on some particular problem or individual. When I get skipped, its like a day off. It doesnt happen often but when it does you need to even the score for past events you didnt have the time to deal with.

slang: looks like someone fucked up the job assignments. I went to the line and there are 2 people doing my job, so I came over here. I've been fucking off for about 3 hours and NiteSuper hasnt said a word. Look at what I did. (slides some very new looking clean clamps across the counter in front of BSG)

BSG: wow, they look new. Whatja do to em?

slang: Soaked em in acetone for about and hour. They came out pretty good but take a look at these. (slides another set of clamps out in front)

BSG: Holy shit man! How'd you do that? They look chromed.

slang: Well I took em over to ThinGuys bench and fucked up his buffing wheel polishing them. The wheel was smoking when I finished it up. I used an entire block of buffing compound too. The wheel and the clamp were in continuous contact for about 15 minutes before the wheel totally disintegrated. Wow , that was funny. That buffer doesnt have a vacuum attached either, so there's debris, and I do mean, all over the fucking place. As I backed away from the buffer I had to use the airhose to blow away my footprints, The clamp was so hot that the fixture scortched the contact surface pattern into my gloves. (holds up the polished clamp to see his reflection) It was worth it though.

Bsg: Well, you done good

slang: Thanks. Mission accomplished in two ways.....polishing the clamp and fucking up the wheel. HoseMan also deserves a round of applause for switching stations with ThinGuy and then taking an extraordinarily long shit while I was destroying the buffer.

BSG: lol no shit man, ThinGuy's gonna be pissed!

slang: Fuck that pecker head. You remember last week when I looked like I might die....you know when everyone thought I was going to pass out, when I got white as a sheet?

BSG: Yeah, what about it?

slang: Well that was ThinGuys idea of a joke. He gave me a good pat on the back with gloves that had slurry all over them. I had his handprint in red on my back for 3 days. Rather than have you fuck him up for $10 or make a formal report to the office, he'll just lose his buffer. This time.

BSG: No shit. I'dda decked him.

slang: well he also fucked with HoseMan. His air nozzle went missing for an hour last week and HoseMan hadta use his hands to clear the hot sharp debris from the molds. He was one unhappy large felonious man that night, I can tell you.

BSG: I've never seen anyone fuck with HoseMan in the entire 3 years I've been here.

Shitjob update:

I've been out of the habit of posting these stories for the past few months because there have been more important things for me to do and the overall morale at the shitjob has dramatically improved.

The old shift super is gone and TatooHead is running the show. He's been there for 5 years and he knows how to get things done and more importantly, how to keep the first shift from screwing our production numbers. If the numbers are good, then management stays out of the way. This is a truly wonderful thing. Unfortunately, it was a rare thing with the old manager.

Through the process of moving around, TH has also found a station that he feels I'm really good at too. Now I run a buffer for 10 hours a day. My forearms arent quite as big as Popeye's yet but wow. It suits me fine and as long as there are no more than 2 people out from the shift, that's where I stay.

The new manager has made this job from something I think about quitting every fucking day to .....maybe just once a week. Yes, it still sucks ass but the likelihood that I can stay until I graduate is much better now.

Thanks for the comments on the stories. I hope you find them as funny as I do.

That is NOT funny. Trust me Slang, that shit WILL come back to haunt you. Be careful, please. :(

That's true Bruce. After absorbing that chemical into my skin and getting some rather persistent kidney pains, I went to the office to get the MSDS on it. I cant even remember which chem it is but it's definately bad news. I talked to the old super and got a few minutes of fresh air. That and washing the jacket seemed to neutralize everything except the red hand print.

ThinGuy is basically just a kid, hes 19 and one hell of a worker. He's always horsing around but rarely bothers me. And as you know, going to the office to file a complaint is a last resort option out in the shop. We prefer "shop justice".

After I fucked up the buffer that he was ultimately responsible for, he didnt bitch a bit. He really knew that we were now square and that this non-sense would go no further.

And wow, that fucking buffer was a mess! The clamp I was polishing had 2 clamps on it, so I could hold it after it got hot. I leaned into that 12" buffing wheel so much that at times the wheel almost stopped moving. The sharp edges just shredded it.

I havent had that much fun since pigs ate my brother!

Another spilled drink


During the course of a ten hour shift I normally drink about a gallon of water. That may sound like a lot but when you add the heat of working next to equipment that generates heat on it's own with the natural loss of water from physically exerting yourself, it's really not. Most everyone else is conditioned to the environment and they dont drink as much water as I do. If I'm staying in one place for more than a few minutes, there will be a water cup nearby.

Sometimes the cup is seen as too much of a temptation to resist.

HoseMan: ( walks over to my water cup, hit's it with a blast of air, it spills, and the cup rolls away on the floor )
slang: That was my water cup.
HoseMan: Oh was it? Sorry. lol (walks away)

Since the water is critical to me being able to work the duration of the shift, I went to create a HoseMan proof cup. The new cup was actually 2 separate quart paper cups. The first paper cup had some marble polymer added to the bottom, then the top cup was added and taped to the bottom cup. This made it taller and therefore theoretically more vulnerable to tipping. I thought this was pretty inventive and would eliminate the HoseMan fixation on emptying the contents. It was heavier than just water by almost 2 times, surely it'd be stable enough. I was wrong.

HoseMan: ( walks over to my new heavier water cup, hits it with air, it doesnt move. Positions the air hose directly over the cup, the contents spray out, the cup remains in place ) Ha ha
slang: I'll buy a personal hydration backpack if I have to.
HoseMan: Looks like your water leaked out. You need a better cup. lol (walks away)

So the next version had a top, with a straw. This would work, wouldnt it?

HoseMan: ( walks over to the now fortified cup. tries to blow the water out from the top, cup cover keeps the air from the water.....looks desparate for a second, then carefully positions the hose to blow the straw from the cup 10 feet away to rest on the dirty floor ) Yer getting better! But still not good enough. lol
slang: Are you bored tonight or what?
HoseMan: Looks like the air caught your straw, man. Sorry. lol (walks away)

Ok. So this time I change the strategy a little. This version I fill the cup with polymer to the top, make a lid for it and insert a straw into the wet, slurry. Wait 15 minutes and it's hard as rock, heavy and the straw isnt going anywhere. The perfect diversion. Now to place it nearby to lure HoseMan to it. I also made a duplicate of the solid cup, filled with water, just to switch at exactly the right moment. You want games? I got more games than Milton Bradley baby (a famous HoseMan quote).

HoseMan: (same routine, hits the cup with the air.....nothing moves because its all in heavy, solid polymer)
slang: (sees him hit it with the air....takes a drink from the real cup while he's looking at the decoy)

This goes on for about three hours. He hits the cup with no result, then goes on working. The next time he tries something a bit different, maybe getting closer to the cup or hitting it from another angle. Every 20 minutes or so, in between really working, he hits the cup with no effect. Each time he's so focused he doesnt see me drink from the my real cup.

HoseMan: (walks over) You must be getting really thirsty!
slang: Actually, no. Why would you say that?
HoseMan: That water cup there doesnt have any water in it. You're pretty sneaky dude. I picked it up, it's solid marble.
slang: What? I was drinking out of it 20 minutes ago, it can't be.
HoseMan: (goes to pick it up) I'll show you, you're full of shit! (sets it down)
slang: (drinks from the switched cup, they all look the same) I really appreciate you not fucking with my water now. That hose trick was really funny but it's getting old.
HoseMan: (confused, looking under the line for the solid cup he just picked up) Yeah, no problem.

Now for my turn. His air line runs from right under my work area. For the rest of the night, every time he turned the hose on a mold, I made had a crude foot pedal that would pinch the hose and cut the flow of air by about half. The hose was wrapped around a leg of the line so when HoseMan pulled on the hose to straighten what he figured was a kink in the hose, my pedal was undisturbed. Very funny and effective revenge. When the air wasnt really necessary, it ran full strength, when it was, about half the normal pressure was released.

HoseMan: Hey! Is that fucking compressor working? My pressure keeps dipping!
slang: Why dont you go check on it................and while you're over there fill my water cup.

So much more fun than a cubicle.;)

Isn't it nice to find out that there are people stranger than you (this is a general "you", not a specific "you) out there?

I don't often get this opportunity.

Well, okay, I do, but I really don't think that nuts count with respect to this kind of situation. ;)

The variation is interesting indeed.

Nice run of SJ stories tonight ... I've been missing them!

You gotta get out of there before you crack a chromosome or something, though ...

Oh, and if you want to read "A Brief History of Time" so you can converse with Albert, I have a spare ...

Well........maybe if I was making Bruce sized checks.. :)

I should contribute more to the existing office pranks thread...I have a few that I think are pretty funny.

One doesnt converse with Albert, you only listen. Thats why no one wants to be too close to him. That and the projectile belching.

But thank you, very nice to offer.

Bob's 4 barrel buffer


One thing that's really different about the shitjob world is the swapping of stations so frequently. It makes sense in several ways but it's still annoying. If someone doesnt show, which is often, then someone else has to do that particular step in the process. The process of manufacturing, at least in this case, is all live. It's all time sensitive because of the curing time of the marble. Once it's poured you cant unpour it to stop. You have to finish each step in sequence.

In the engineering or design process of any given product, if someone doesnt show for a day or more, it's nothing that cant be managed and worked around. This is one of the hardest parts of the shitjob world to deal with. Everything is live action and sequencial. It sucks enough doing the job you normally do, but just when you get good enough at it to make it bearable, you have to cover another position.

So anyway, I get switched the other day to buffing. The upside is that there are a lot fewer knuckleheads to clash with, the noise level is a lot lower and it's a lot less dangerous. The downsides are that the dust will eventually find it's way onto every inch of your skin, they are consistently overloaded with work, and there are fewer knuckleheads to help you out.

I hit the scene with TylerDurden busting ass on the buffing line.

TylerDurden: Hey, where's MarineGuy.....dont tell me all I got tonight is you.

slang: MG's having his head surgically removed from his ass but he'll be in tomorrow whether the procedure was successful or not.

TylerDurden: Funny. They tell me you're funny but that you're a pussy ass when it comes to actually working.

slang: I appreciate your confidence in my ability. Got any suggestions as to how we can keep up with a comic pussy ass filling in for two regulars?

TylerDurden: (heavy sarcasm) Yah, why dont you see if Bob will loan you the beast. He'll know what you mean.

Bob is the senior guy in the plant and he's kinda bitchy. He's a no bullshit kinda guy and he appreciates a little respect and a lot of results. So naturally, he doesnt get along with a lot of the knuckleheads. The rumor is that hes been there for 30 years. If that's true, he's seen a lot of change in the company policy and a lot of people filtering in and out of the plant. I've always listen to his advice no matter how strange it might seem at the moment. The guy knows what's what.

slang: Hey Bob, Tyler says I should ask you to borrow the beast for this shift because we're down 2 regular buffers.

So I get the typical Bob nod and we both walk to his stash cabinet.

Bob: (looking very serious) Now I'm going to tell you this and I tell everyone that uses this monster the same thing. Some listen to me and some dont. You seem like a sharp guy and can understand what I'm going to tell you.............this buffer is high performance and can be dangerous to the user. On top of that, you can fuck up the product if you arent careful. This motherfucker is not a playtoy.

slang: Ok, Bob. I believe you. Do I need some special training or insurance?

Bob: No, just try it right here and now and I'll give you some pointers if you need 'em.

slang: Fair enough.

So I picked up this chromed buffer and connected the air. Bob was watching me attentatively and I gently squeezed the trigger and let off.

G-r-r-r-r---waah.

The vanes in the air motor groweled distinctly as I tested it out. It sounded like a 2 stroke motorcycle at low RPM and the muffler was different from all the others. The beast was quite a bit louder too. Then I snapped the trigger wide open then quickly backed off. The inertia jerked my arm unexpectedly and I actually felt the chill of adrenalin.

slang: What_the_fuck........... did you do to this thing?(grinning ear to ear) This has got to be twice as fast and powerful as the other buffers.

Bob: (chuckling) I put a 4 barrel carb in it. (starting to walk away ) Don't get hurt and.......(cold glaring stare).....I want it back in the cabinet when you're done with it.

slang: Do you charge a rental fee or a deposit?

Bob: No....you're either entrusted with the beast.............or you're not. There is no negotiation.

I went back to the line and started working on the tops as usual. The monster's high speed and power was a definite advantage and we were caught up in no time. It actually made the work fun.

TatooHead: I thought I heard Bob's beast shrieking back here. He knows you're using it, right?

slang: Well he got it out for me.....and....you dont think he wouldnt have heard it himself and reclaimed it if he didnt want me to use it?

Tatoohead: Good point. It's just that he doesnt lend it out much, you must be in his graces today.

:)

Ride the tiger.:thumb:

ohmigod. It's a Tim the Toolman Taylor moment.

The best thing to do when slang gets one of these is just find something else to be interested in, and try not to pay any attention to strange noises or lights flickering. If nothing is heard for more than fifteen minutes, check for ABCs*. If all three exist, he just passed out from ecstacy overload. Just give him a little time.







*for you non EMS types, that's "Airway, Breathing, Circulation"

Wolf, you'll never understand how difficult it is the handle "the beast" (genuflect), with a woody.:D

true.