You Must Control Your Temper!
 

Road rage, being nasty to people you love for no reason, blowing things out of proportion, making a big deal out of things, not accepting your wrong, constantly trying to prove your point, yelling too much, yelling too loud, saying "I hate you" too many times to people you actually love, swearing too much..... :mad2:

I am a nice person. Generally I think people like me, I make friends easily and keep friends easily. But underneath, if triggered, there is a bubbling volcano of swearing, yelling and making a big deal of things. But I only really release this to people who are close to me, who I subconsciously am aware that they will still love me no matter how much I go off at them, but its starting to wear thin.

Its starting to effect one or two relationships I have= family/boyfriend etc. I just cant control my temper!

I know this is probably a pathetic thread, and I'm sorry to babble on about my problems, but if any of you have any advice on how to help me control my anger, any techniques, philosophies.. please post them! (or else!)

smoke more pot

We spend a lot of time insisting on being nice ... you're not ALLOWED to express any of the "dangerous" emotions, only the "good" ones, especially if you're a chick. Then you're really not allowed to be anything other than garden-party happy.

Kind of like Stepford.

Anger and rage are valid emotions that do need expressing from time to time. Sort of a relief-valve approach, letting it off bits at a time so that you don't go *snap* all at once.

Finding some non- or less-harmful way of expressing the involved energy is usually good ... physical activity, for example, or artwork, or the old standby of severe pillow abuse. If you choose that last, I recommend foam pillows. Cleaning up the feathers is a real pain in the ass.

well.. thats one method i haven't tried!

I have tried knitting, breathing therepy, biting my nails, counting to ten, but haven't yet dabbled in the illegal methods of calming oneself down.

Thanks Wolf!

See thats my problem, i have TRIED being nice, and i can do it well, but i find it all just builds up and then i'll be nasty for twice as long as i was nice.

Also if i find myself focefully trying to be nice to these guys, its almost as though i'm faking it, and i don't want to be fake!

Work on sarcasm too. The more subtle the better. You get the satisfaction of having soundly insulted someone ... and by the time they figure it out, you're miles away.

Waste of time all these divertion exercises - count to ten, take a deep breath bla bla bla. Anger results from frustration and that is what needs addressing. Generally the frustration is an expression of the inability to communicate something. Maybe there are things you want to say to your partner/family but you don't know how? Try aligning yourself onto their level, reach out to them, and communicate on their terms. For example, if you know it winds your boyfriend up when you ask a question and don't wait for him to answer, don't do it! Take your time, give him time, and actually communicate. Then you won't feel the need to shout to make yourself heard.

Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, when he gets angry, you're a mile away and he's barefoot.

Find the root cause... then take out your frustration on us cellarites. :)

If you really can't control it, I'd try to figure out what's at the root of it. But, if you only do it with family/people close to you - its sort of like walking around in your underwear - its a liberty you take with family that you would never do in public. In that sense, its slightly self-indulgent (I lose mine at home before I would outside as well so I'm including myself as well).

Its tempting to get psychoanalytical with questions like this and I'm no therapist or anything but now that I think about it if you are losing it with people you love then I wonder if there isn't some exposed nerve that only those that close to you can reach.

I don't have any suggestions for how not to lose control - they all involve control which, at that moment, you don't have. It has to be pre-emptive and that involves finding the nerve and dealing with it in advance. But I could be way off base. I would reflect a little on exactly how you felt right before you lost it. That might help guide some self-exploration.

If nothing else works, make a deal with everyone that you tend to lose it with. Either you leave the area (before you lose it) or you agree in advance to wash their car or something. Silly, I realize but if it works...

How about looking at it from a behavior modification standpoint. ABC. Antecedent /Behavior /Consequence. A- Do you get angry in the same situations or at the same things? C- What do you get out of these blowups? Do you get your way? Do you get attention? Do you avoid something?

How about B vitamins? Do a google search on B vitamins and mood...
And I'll second physical activity. I prefer mindless repetative motion (like running) so I can think things out.

That's the upshot to a job that involves writing software for non life-or-death applications. Your fingers can do all the work while your brain shuts down for an 8.5 hour nap, and then it's time to go home.

:)

target practice with a nice .40??? mmmm, must leave work and kill paper man... :D

What works for me may not for others.

Besides, the poor thing's in Australia. Her government disarmed her a couple years ago. Heck, she can't even have a sword ...

(my coworkers were very, very nervous when my reaction to my best friend's suicide by firearm was to head out to the range and work out my frustration and anger with about 500 rounds of ammo in the course of a weekend.)

i can understand their concern but i also understand how effect of a release it can be to just keep firing until your hands start to ache. my sig was much more effective for that type of release than my current springfield XD.

I got a blister on my trigger finger.

Is your anger related to what has set you off, or is it a delayed reaction to something else that is bothering you? If you have trouble expressing anger, maybe you avoid it where it is legitimate, only to have it expode out of you for what you know (later, perhaps) is no reason at all. Wolf is right, you need to be able to allow yourself to be angry without it being destructive.

When you blow up at the boyfriend, try using "I feel.." sentences, rather than "You make me ..." sentences: at least that way you are simply expressing how you feel, and not having a go at him.

Just a few suggestions ... good luck.

Ah darn I was going to suggest the deep breathing, but that doesn't work for everyone.

I agree with those who say to express the anger, but to not allow it to be destructive. Also good idea what limey expressed: tell them that you feel a certain way when they do or say something that brings up the anger.

Careful though: I tried to do that with my mother, and she basically tried to put everything on me ("you're just too defensive and sensitive" because she's just too perfect to be flawed...ha!). Everything she has done has been for the good of my well being, even if it was being the opposite. Ah well, I figured it was useless to try and change her, so now I handle her differently.

At any rate, good luck with the anger management. Trust me, I understand. :D

Wow you have all made some really good suggestions - 1000 thank yous!

Last night and this morning I tried to just be nice, and then assess the things that were making me angry before i actually exploded.

I think a huge part of it is that all the wonderful and nice things people do for me, I put them in the archive box out the back of my mind, but the bad things that have happened, or naughty things someone has done - well they are all sitting in the easy reach files of my brain. So as soon as someone does one thing that may be minor (eg. Come home an hour late, leave the milk out) I immediently grab hold of 10 other similar instances and this starts a chain reaction which gets me really angry, and then i come across as phycotic because i am exploding over something trivial.

Now that i have realised that its getting out of control its a lot easier to stop and say to myself.. now does that action of someone elses really warrant my losing my temper? The hard part is just keeping my cool enough to think "No, i'll just say how i feel and move on"

It has REALLY helped just recognising this behaviour, and also talking about it and having some people understand where i'm coming from.. THANKS GUYS!!

Oh my God :eek: Rho, this means you're my sister. :biggrin:

a few years ago my explosive temper was getting the better of me. i stopped to take a look at my life and realized that i took really major things in stride, i wouldn't complain or speak my mind... i let the world walk all over me. (when my ex-wife left i helped her load the truck and then asked if she was sure that she didn't want to take anything else :mad2: )
later i would explode over something really trivial and unimportant. i figured out that i needed to voice my displeasure over the large things in a calm, rational, but forceful manner - when i re-learned to do that, i was able to quit exploding over the small things. i still find myself slipping that way sometimes, but now i know what i need to do.
don't know if that helps or not.

*cracking up!!!!* OMG whaddup bro? :D :D

Oh, it's the same way for life-or-death applications. Not that MY software ever killed anyone. That I know of.

Bwahahahaha. Been there, done that. :beer:

you could always try a martial art. nothing can compare with the rush of satisfaction, release, and relaxation that comes with kicking someone in the ribs and hearing their breath rush out in a comical "whooosh". this, of course, should all be done from a mental/spiritual/emotional place of complete zen-like calm :) .

Go to wal-mart. Get two of those long foam floaty thingies (that's the technical term, I believe), and when you get mad, hand one to the person you're mad at, keep one for yourself, and let the foam fly. You get your frustration out, no one gets hurt, and it's funny.

Sidhe

SunSparks:

(voice of Dr. Phill) Ok, now what you have to realize is not what/whom are you angry at, but why does it come up. There are several reasons,

1. things don't work out
2. people fail you at times
3. circumstances beyond your control

If it is #1, go to the person responsible for the action and calmly ask him/her, not what went wrong, but if they can fix it,(not for you either, say some other people first, then you)

If it is #2, try to understand that people are not perfect, very few are excelent, most are good, and almost all are average. Realize that people in today's society face a lot(I really mean a lot) of pressure, (if circumstances were on the Dow, They would read something like, Stakes rose 54.4 points today, closing at 10,887,648 points. Along with Standards & Demands, which rose 79.4 points to close at 499,521,684 points.) People come and people go, and on the way, they might skip a red light. Just talk to that person and let them know (Calmly, of course) that you noticed that imperfection and that you expect them to improve. Give them time also. People of all walks, Billionaires, Millionaires, Rich, Poor, Desperate, etc, are all suffering from Poverty. Not from money, but of time. They just can't cram another activity into their schedules. People scream at microwaves, get anxious about instant coffee, etc. Simply put yourself in the other person's shes and try to understand that is not completly their fault.

If it is #3, Do not be defeated. Understand that the greates freedom one can have is not letting to be controlled by circumstances. Things might look at its bleakest, but it doesn't nessesarily mean that you have to act bleakly too. It is hard, I'm saying that first hand. but with time, you will find that it is possible. Dr. Frankl was the person who worded the idea, but it was created since biblical times.

finnally, John 8:32 says that the truth shall set you free. You might want to examine your wordind to see if there is any lies, or anything that is less that thruthful, even if it has <1% of lies, get rid of it.