The Cellar - A letter to President Bush...

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A letter to President Bush...

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

If that hadn't been rehashed and sent around like 2000 times, that would be a lot funnier.

I usually see it addressed to Dr. Laura.

You didn't write that in pig's blood I hope.

Don't answer the door!

:)

Hadn't seen it! Ha HAAA! Is there a way to make them all slaves post mortum? ;)

Excellent, Radar. Excellent.

Haha! I like the "lesser degrees of abomination" line in #6.....

I like the lesser degrees also, and the "should I smite them?". I wish I could take credit for it, but it came across my email inbox and I thought I'd share.

Got to print out for room-mate..............she's gonna love this....

Quote:

Originally Posted by flippant

Hadn't seen it! Ha HAAA! Is there a way to make them all slaves post mortum? ;)

Why would you want a dead slave?

there are OTHER abominations, ya know!

Wait I might be on the list gotta gooooooooo!

Yeah, it's been around in one form or another for a long time but it still makes me chuckle. It also make an excellent point. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

Congratulations on your election victory.....

Dear W,

You're welcome for the tiny efforts I put into your re-election campaign and good luck in the next 4 years. You irritate people more than I could ever hope to.

Please do not make Radar disappear with the newfound powers granted by the Patriot Act. We appreciate his posts, funny as they often are, and believe that somehow....he is one of us deep down.

Look. He even congratulated you. Miracles can happen!

slang

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yeah, it's been around in one form or another for a long time but it still makes me chuckle. It also make an excellent point. :)

Precisely: that religion is nothing but "crowd control".

LOL, that's still a good one (the letter). Gotta print it out so I can shove it in the faces of the RR.

Enjoy the damnation folks!

First time I've seen that letter. It's pretty funny! Thanks for sharing Radar. I'm going send it to another board I post on. They'll love it!

I never noticed that wearing clothing made of two fabrics is wrong...with the way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if the damning sin for all mankind isn't war, isn't murder, isn't pride or sloth or all those fun things. It's gonna be that 50/50 cotton-poly blend I've got on right now. Why? Because that's the way my life works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphageek31337

It's gonna be that 50/50 cotton-poly blend I've got on right now.

You might get off the hook if it's American Cotton and poly developed by an American Lab and if the garment itself was Made In America and Bought In America at an American Retail Store owned by an American.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slang

Dear W,

You irritate people more than I could ever hope to.

Oh...I don't know about that. :p

Quote:

Enjoy the damnation folks!

Hi Rho, missed ya. :love:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladysycamore

Precisely: that religion is nothing but "crowd control".

Or, as Marx said "Religion is the opiate of the masses".

Now, when I heard this, I thought "That's it, Opium, Heroin, and Morphine?"

Can't we at least aspire to a religion that compares to ecstasy or LSD? This is the twenty-first century, the age of designer drugs! How about a religion like Benzodiazepines? :idea:

Quote:

Originally Posted by richlevy

How about a religion like Benzodiazepines? :idea:

With all due respect to Els, that would be Wicca.

Quote:

Precisely: that religion is nothing but "crowd control".

That's a good thing, because I'd rather live among zombies than pirates. Even though they'd both like to rip my heart out, at least the zombies would eat it. The pirates would just waste it. :yum:

Priates would stick your heart upon a spar or something ... decorate the riggings, make them more homey.

What if you spill something on your shirt? Is this also cause for everlasting punishment? I don't read the bible.......

Quote:

Originally Posted by flippant

What if you spill something on your shirt?

Pends on what it is. If you spill something that is regarded as delicious on your own shirt, you will go directly to hell for being wasteful.

If you spill something bad on someone else's shirt, we nuke you.

I thought I spelled that out in the bible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by God

I thought I spelled that out in the bible.

I SAID I don't read it- :D Oh and I suppose you are going to punish me for that too? Isn't the bible wasting paper which is also a lesser abomination Mr. Know it All? God always thinks he knows everything....sheesh :D Master of the universe bologna.

Quote:

Originally Posted by flippant

Isn't the bible wasting paper which is also a lesser abomination Mr. Know it All?

If you don't mind, Sir, I'll handle this one on your behalf.

You may have noticed that Bibles are printed on extremely thin paper, in small, yet easily read typefaces. Printed on regular density paper in 12 point palatino, it would run around the size of the Oxford English Dictonary. People would do themselves an injury trying to lift one to do some inspirational bible reading before bedtime. The Gideon's would have to recruit from circus strongmen and olympic weightlifters for delieveries. Hotel rooms would have an annex added just to contain the Bible.

This is also why there has been an effort to make online editions available. God's plan is that we shall all have tablet PCs with the Bible preinstalled on delivery.

Thanks be to God. I'm looking forward to that tablet PC.