Need advice on a personal situation
 

Maybe this should go under parenting, but I was hoping to hit a wider audience. I have never shared such a personal situation on the cellar, so please take it easy on me and also, beware of a very long post below.
Here is the background:
Bf and his ex split up back in February of 2004. Basically, she stalked him at work at lunch and chased him down in the parking lot with her van so she could get out and hit him in the face because he was not reachable over lunch break. That night, she took their 2 kids ages 5 and 2 at the time, and spent the night at her parents' house out in a nearby town in the middle of the country. That was when they both knew it was over. The next night, he left the apartment. He didn't technically move out because a lot of his stuff was still there, but he wasn't staying there anymore. She moved back into the apartment to figure out what she was going to do, and what she decided to do was file for divorce right away, move out to her parents' house with the children, and use her evil forces to unleash the wrath of hell on bf.
Over the next several months, she hired a lawyer and tried to intimidate bf in any way possible, while taking a victim role. She would not allow him to see his children, but alone and for a total of 8 hours every other Saturday. She constantly told him that he "left her and the children" and I believe she must have either told the kids that or told so many people that in front of the children that the 5 year old girl (who is now 6) believed it. Bf was able to get a little more time with the children...2 nights every other weekend and whenever the kids were over to spend the night, it was obvious they were extremely uncomfortable and it took them months to adjust to the changes. The 6 year old would say things like "Its okay if Daddy doesn't take care of us, because Grampa will" and "My mommy told me my lungs are all black now, because you and daddy smoke". We believe that the ex was completely out of control at that time. She would get angry with bf when he didn't agree to her terms, like when they had gone to mediation and she thought she was suppose to have full legal custody, and he wanted joint. But then, she would criticize him for not having the kids enough, even though that was precisely what he wanted. She would make up stories and twist truths in emails and on the phone about how he was "abusive" or "a dangerous person for the children to be around". She would then turn around and tell him things like "I know a real hitman and I would love to see what he could do to you....but I really do care about your happiness". It was messed up. She also quit her job ASAP after the break up, got enrolled in an associates program and then demanded an amount close to 1200.00 for child support on his 1800 a month salary. He usually paid what she demanded when she demanded it, because he knew little about how the courts actually work in divorces and thought she was right, though really irritating, since she was paying a lawyer to counsel her. He was then laid off, and began receiving unemployment about a month before the final hearing. She didn't let him have any of the marital belongings, so, all he had were clothes and tools. This all happened over about a 6 month period up until September. The final hearing changed a few things. BEcause it was considered an "uncontested divorce" since they "agreed" in mediation on parenting time, the judge didn't have to decide on everything. But, the judge did ask about his employment and he told her he was recieving unemployment because he was laid off. He also told her he was planning to enroll in school full time and after the undergrad would go to law school. The judge said this was a reasonable path and advised that he adjust the child support amount when unemployment runs out. Since the ex's lawyer is kind of a moron, he didn't adjust the child support worksheet, so the judge had to adjust it herself, which was inappropriate, apparently, and bf ended up with an order to pay 400 a month, based on his income from unemployment. The ex was beyond pissed. Parenting plan was "agreed" on at mediation and included bf having kids 2 weekends a month all year long with 1 weekend at 2 overnights and 1 weekend at 4 overnights...kind of sporadic, but it was the best he could get out of her in mediation. He didn't have the money to fight her in court, so he thought he would wait it out for a while and look for an opportunity to fight her, either when he had more money, or when she screwed up badly enough. Child custody litigation can run a person 20000.00 in legal fees. He didn't even have enough for a retainer. She had the backing of her rich, religious family behind her, so she could have fought, no problem. So, here we are now...she announced to bf that she wants to move to Houston, which is 20 hours away from Colorado Springs, where the children originally resided. Bf has since moved to Boulder, CO, which is about an hour from Colorado Springs, but an hour and a half from Peyton, where the ex still resides with her parents. She told him she wanted to get married in March of this year, so she wanted him to go ahead and agree to let her take the kids with her. He told her he would do so, but she had to agree to letting him have the kids all summer (3 months) and she would have to pay for their transportation. At the time, it seemed she was starting to calm down. Well, she came back with a counter proposal giving him half the summer and half the breaks throughout the year. She would not agree to paying transportation costs and there were a few other things she just did not address. They argued for a couple of weeks over it and she finally agreed to letting him have the kids for 2 1/2 months in the summer and half the breaks. Then, her father goes captain insano and sends him a nasty threatening email saying how he doesn't want to support his kids because he won't go out and get a job, etc. He threatened to hire all kinds of lawyers to allow her new husband to adopt the children and change their names. He also lied about conversations he had with his parents and tried to convince him that his own parents were angry with him (which, of course, they weren't). It was pretty bad. He talked to the ex about it and she was cold and rude about it, basically stating that her dad was "tired of bf running over her all the time". The thing is, she never shares any information about the children, like when parent-teacher conferences are, report cards, school events, etc. Any talk between her and bf has been about when and where they are dropping off and picking up the kids. He tells her about the things they do here, but she doesn't share any like info with him. They are suppose to have equal decision making in all areas concerning the children as per the decree, but she is not "co-parenting" and has not been. We also have reason to believe that all of this has been discussed and is still being discussed within earshot and sometimes with the children. When bf was a week late paying cs back in August, the 6 year old asked him "Daddy, when are you going to pay mommy?" She told me this last weekend that "Grandpa said daddy doesn't have any money." I asked her why he said that and she said "I think it is because Grandpa thinks daddy is being bad, but I know daddy isn't being bad." What the hell is going on in that house? So, they had decided on the parenting plan to let her move to Texas (in a huge leap of faith) but bf changed his mind. HE realized that we could provide a much more emotionally stable, constructive, loving environment for the children and that what we could give them was going to have a much better effect than what the ex can provide. He decided not to agree with the plan and she filed for a relocation with the court.

We're finally getting to the point here:
Saturday, he was served papers by mail telling him of her filing and it included all the reasons why she wants to move. One thing she said was that she had to move for a job (which is coincidentally at the company her fiancee works at) at 12.00 an hour for 30 hours a week. She said she needed this job because bf does not timely pay his cs. He has only been late one month, which he got caught up on. The second, less pronounced reason was her marriage to the guy in Texas. She also stated that he has neglected to take advantage of his parenting time, which was because of a change of plans that was agreed to by both parents at the time. She also stated that he terminated his employment to lower child support and would not agree to the move unless they changed child support contrary to the statute. This, of course, was anything but true. Bf has never had issues with paying support for his children, unless she has tried to get exorbitant amounts of money from him for no apparent reason. She also states that he hasn't paid her court ordered fees, and he plans to file for bk. He does plan to file, but has stated to her, that he doesn't plan on putting her fees in the bk, and there wasn't a court order for them, anyway. She cut his time with the kids back to 2 broken up 2-week sessions in the summer and either winter or spring break each year. All I could say is WTF?
So, what do we do? How do I best support my bf? How does he prove that she is lying through her teeth? Any ideas, suggestions or input? IS there any way we can get those kids out of that house? It is obviously emotionally destructive for them, but there is no worry about physical abuse to the children, according to bf, therefore it will be difficult to convince a court of an emergency situation. Thanks for reading.

You need a lawyer. She needs to be forced to take psychological testing to see if the children need to be removed from her (lawyer can have judge order the testing but it costs to have it done.) I don't think joint-custody or joint-parenting arrangements can accomodate her move to TX. Also, are you sure she's not bluffing about her folks being ready to spend the $$$ for a custody battle? She is clearly not putting the children's welfare first. Talking trash about the children's father in front of them--what kind of asshole does that? Good luck, my friend. And get a lawyer.

The lawyer is 1st priority right now, but we have limited funds (none). So, we are trying to do what we can in the meantime. Thanks for the support, Bri. The kids have to come first and they obviously don't for her.

http://my.voyager.net/83/F9/gadam/oz/tenfootme.jpg

sorry case, but I'm not touchin that shit with a ten foot pole.

doesnt seem like there is a happy ending likely to come out of that mess. psycho women are ten times harder to deal with if there are kids to manipulate. I have no advice, only sympathy.

PS. that's not me with the pole.....just some d00d i found with g00gle

It sounds like a very bad situation for all concerned - especially the children, whom the mother seems to have little regard for. Courts tend to favor the mother and/or the parent with the money for lawyers. Can your friend's family make him a loan for legal fees?

Do you know WHY she is acting like this? did your boyfriend do anything that hurt her feelings/ mistreat her? People usually don't act all psycho like this for no reason at all. What set her off?

Brianna nailed it. You need a lawyer (broken record here). I really have no idea how you will sort finances out to be able to do so, start asking around the law department at that school of yours. :)

As a side note, it's good to see you posting again. I was worried you quit because of some misguided belief that the cellar was "mine" or something.

LJ, thanks for the...um...yeah. Thanks :)

Stacey, this woman *is* psycho. She has been this way for years. She isn't just acting that way. Her whole family is like this. They are part of a super-religious organization that doesn't believe in cutting hair, wearing makeup or jewelry, watching TV, etc. She actually had to ask a counsel of elders for permission to remarry. Bf married the ex when he was 18, and his family was also part of this religious group (though, not quite so radical).

Perth, thanks! I haven't found much I have wanted to post about lately, but I have found a bit more time on the computer lately. I never considered the cellar your thing, though I know you are out there. It's cool, man.

I know someone else responded too...and yes, usually the courts favor the one with the lawyer. Hopefully, the lawyer we get will be as decent as hers. Though, it doesn't take much since her lawyer is truly a dolt. Unfortunately, bf's family definitely doesn't have the money for the lawyer. It seems we might end up having to sell something (god knows what). I suppose our souls could go up for sale :D

We went through the same thing. We hired a lawyer who represented 'men's rights'. WE GOT WHOOPED! She took the kids and moved. We got our visitation cut in half! and now we can't even get a hold of them on the phone. We spent soooo much money and it was pointless!
Good luck to you!

The strongest lesson I get from this is "Don't Date the Fundies".

Case, I know you all are broke, but is it at all possible to get a loan somewhere? I've been in major money crunches and I had to stop paying on bills (credit cards, etc.) and was able to get away with it for quite a while ('course, credit is now in gutter, but couldn't be helped.) so there is that. I understand if you don't want to go that route, though. You need a good, ball-busting lawyer. No pansies. A really good, mean one and then do everything he/she says to do. Anyone who is trashing the father in front of the kids...well, hell, doesn't she realize that the kids are HALF him? She is trashing the KIDS when she trashes the father! What an idiot! I really feel badly for you.

I'm in a similar (but not as severe) situation with my Husband and his ex.

At the very least, start reading up on the laws of your state. Learn them. Most should be available on the internet, if you can't find them, go to the library.

Is the BF paying CS through the DA or directly to her? If he's paying through the DA then she doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he's paying directly to her, is it by check? If so, get front and back copies of CASHED checks. This will show he was late once, but made it up. If he is paying directly to her, make sure when you answer the summons you request that you pay through the DA instead of directly, just to head this type of crap off in the future.

Do you have a calendar that you wrote down every day they came and left, what time you picked them up and dropped them off? If you dont have one, GET one. Answer that part of the summons by simply explaining what happened.

The judge has already responded to that, so put that in the answer, and she doesn't have a leg to stand on.


Once the support order is issued, she can't ask for more unless she files a modification request through the courts. Period. Well, she can ask, but he can tell her no, and if she tries to screw with his visitation because he said no, he can nail her for being out of compliance.

If there was no court order for fees, he doesn't have to pay it. Period. His bankruptcy has nothing to do with custody.

Again, she doesn't have the power to cut anything. The visitation is court ordered, and if she is not following that order, he can take action against her for not being in compliance with the court.

By learning the laws of your state regarding support and custody, by typing up the answers to the summons and brainstorming. By absolutely not dealing with the ex, let him do that. By helping him keep as calm and cool headed as possible.

That depends on how meticulous your records are and how he's been paying, etc. Most of the time, documentation that backs up your story is going to win the day. Also, BE HONEST. Even if he's screwed up or made a mistake, be honest about it to the court, admit the mistake was made, how you corrected it or intend to correct it, and tell your side. Keep the answer simple and factual. Make it chronological. Start only with the court order, and detail as much as possible where she's been wrong. Answer her lies point for point, using court orders amap (no court fees, she can't ask for more than the court ordered, she denied visitation against the order, etc).


That's going to be tough with him on unemployment. Not only do you have to prove she's a bad mother, you have to prove he's a good father. You have to prove he's a better father than she is a bad mother.

This is not an emergency situation. Personally, I would put in the answer that you don't want her to move the children to Texas for any reason. Tell the court that he would rather have physical custody of the children, amend the child support to her paying him a reasonable sum determined by the court, and set up visitation where she pays for them to come visit her and he pays for them to come home on a specific schedule (summers or whatever).

Note in the answer the comments the children have made, but make no mention of who you think is filling their heads with this.

If your answer to the court is written properly, in a coherent and appropriate way, that's half the battle. There IS a discriminatory bias when it comes to custody, but all you can do is what you can do.

We can't afford a lawyer either, and we filed our answer last week, so we'll find out how that went in about a year, if the summons was any indication.

Mainly, just document EVERYTHING. Get a calendar and notebook/folder that you only use for this. Telephone calls, the time of the call, how long the call lasted, the subject, etc. If she gets bitchy on the phone, then find a way to record the calls (let her know you're recording at the beginning of the call.) If she refuses to talk to you while you're recording, then all correspondance must be by mail, so that it's documented.

If she wants to play this game, then master it.

By the way... if she's a baptised mormon, and part of the church, then the parents have an obligation to help her keep her kids. If they can't help financially, you can bet the church can. I guarantee there in a lawyer in the local church that will represent her if not for free, then at significantly reduced rates.

That's some great advice, OC. Thank you for taking the time to go through all that.

The religious organization is not a church, per se. It is just a group of people who get together every other day (it seems) and talk about the bible. That's what I gather from it, anyway. But, the entire religious group they belong to is disappointed in how that family has handled this whole situation. I know the lawyer she has, and if she didn't get him really cheap, she got ripped off. Her dad is known for unloading empty threats. I don't put it past them, however, to try and mess up Bf's life.

One other thing I forgot to mention is that Bf knows for a fact that this family has had and probably still has several illegal weapons and has been party to a number of fraudulent incidents. I know it is low to bring that into it, but maybe we have to fight dirty when dealing with a corrupt system.

On the loan idea...yeah, we are trying that, too. Unfortunately, both of us have ridiculously bad credit. We are still trying, though.

I say we fight fight fight, until there is no more fighting to do. Even if we don't win, at least we both know we tried to do right by the children.

Bf's unemployment is actually running up soon. He is enrolled in school full time and will be attending law school in the next couple of years. I know they view that as a good reason not to be employed here in Colorado...or at least from what I have seen. Still, the ex has told us several times that she will not be working and be home with the kids (her 2 and her fiancees 3). I can't honestly believe she can actually maintain a job from home with 5 children. That's even more reason they should not be in her care.

So, yes, we understand this is, unfortunately for us and the kids, an uphill battle. Much of her lies can be proven by email (I don't know if that helps). Also, he has been paying to the state and they pay her.

He was going to wave child support from her, if he ended up with them full-time. Would that hurt him in court?

I have talked with her once on the phone a while back and once I sent her a scathing email telling her what a miserable excuse for a mother she is for using her children the way she does. The email was last summer, I think. Other than that, I don't talk to her. I know I will lose my temper if I do.

The other thing is, we do have email correspondence which includes the hitman statement and confirms that she did hit bf on more than one occasion. We also have emails from her to his mother stating he was never abusive. I wonder if this might help.

Anyway, I see the writing on the wall...big ugly battle, ahead...get mean lawyer.

That sounds expensive. Who's paying for that? :eyebrow:

Quote:
How do I best support my bf?


By learning the laws of your state regarding support and custody, by typing up the answers to the summons and brainstorming. By absolutely not dealing with the ex, let him do that. By helping him keep as calm and cool headed as possible.

EXACTUMUNDO OC !!!!

Case , document EVERY THING !!!!!!! Take the high ground , don't let psyco-ex drag you down into the mud !!!!!

( oh and make an annomouse call to the cops about the illegle activitys and toys )

These people sound like cult members and if I were your BF, I'd fight them tooth and nail for the sake of those kids with a free and easy conscience.

Illegal weapons? Fraudulent incidents?

Sounds like a pack of criminals to me. Call in an anonymous tip, make a formal complaint if you have enought supporting evidence!

no problem!

If her lawyer is as bad as you say he is, you may come out of this with the kids.

If you can prove it, use it. If you can't, don't.

At the end of the day, you have to live with yourselves, whatever the outcome. Fight clean.

Well yeah, but he still has to show he can afford to support the girls if he gets custody.

I thought she told the court she was moving to Texas to get a job? If you have proof she's said she's not going to work, include it with the answer, to prove she's lying. Doesn't look good for her if she's caught perjuring herself.

Absolutely it helps. And the fact she's in some wacked out cult involved in illegal activity helps too. If you can prove it. Send a copy of all her lies with the answer.

Brilliant! Get a statement from the court of all the times hes paid and highlight the one time he paid late AND the make up payments. Include that with the answer with some verbage like, "As you can see from the attached statement of payment obtained from the court, I was late on the ____ payment and made it up on the _______ and _______ payments."

No, if he really wants to waive support, he can, but insist on her paying for visitation BOTH ways, and make it clear he gets to claim them both on tax returns every year.

Well, don't do that again and hope she doesn't have that email.

Abso-fucking-lutely!! It goes to show she's abusive, he's not, and she's a lying, scheming bitch. Hitmen?? No judge in the world is going to ignore that.

Big mean battle for sure, as far as the lawyer, if you study up enough (and he's going to be a lawyer, might as well learn it now) on the laws then he can represent himself, if you can't afford a really good, mean attorney. To be honest, if you can't afford a GOOD, MEAN, AGGRESSIVE attorney, you'd do better to represent yourself. Seriously.

How long have you been with your boyfriend? How long after he separated with his wife did you start dating him?
It's admirable that you're so supportive and caring about his plight.

Thank you to everyone who has provided me with such excellent advice. I definitely hear the bad credit loan applications calling me, but I think when it comes down to it in the future we will be glad we took every possible route in this. I feel like it is our responsibility (technically his, but I make it mine, too, since the kids need all the support they can get) to do whatever possible to give them the opportunity for a healthy life. I don't feel they are getting that with her. I don't think they have ever had that with her. Even if we don't win, at least we tried our asses off. I know it could be a bitter feeling if we lose, but it would feel much worse if we gave up and things continued this way for them.

On the cult thing...illegal weapons and fraud are not a part of the religion. They are just things this family has and has done, but won't admit to. They are completely self righteous and never wrong. If something goes wrong they point the finger at someone else. Bf and I are thinking seriously about making a tip to the police, but then, I wonder if we should wait until a time when the kids are with us, so they don't have to be there for whatever happens with the police. Just a little paranoia to add into the mix.

Oh yeah, Stacey, I care for him very much. He would support me just as much if the tables were turned. And he does support me a great deal in other areas. I would say we have been together for 7 or 8 months. I dont know for sure though. We were friends when he and the ex split up.

A bit off topic, but several people in this and other threads have mentioned 'get a good, mean, tough' lawyer. If one has never previously had any experience with the courts, and neither has any of their close friends/relatives, how do you get a 'good' lawyer? For future referance of course ;)

I've only neede the services of a lawyer twice in my life (so far!) but I interviewed many before I chose one. I asked about their general philosophy regarding the situation I was in and gave them "for instance" scenarios to see how they'd play. I chose lawyer's who were aggressive and gave me good answers---just like I would choose a doctor. If I were being stalked, threatened, etc., I would want a lawyer who said, "we're going to stop this RIGHT NOW" and do the paperwork right then for a RO and have it served pronto. If I were in pain, I'd want a doc to run tests RIGHT NOW and not RX me pain meds and "wait and see" if it goes away. I guess I just like professionals who DO something rather than put me on the back burner. I've dealt with doctor's who never fix a problem but perpetuate it, masking underlying pathology with meds. I live in a mid-size city (Dayton, OH) but I almost always go to Cincy for treatment because they actually FIX problems in Cincy. Same thing with lawyers--I want it fixed. You could always ask someone on the police force who is a good lawyer...or a law clerk. Ask around, chances are more people than you think have needed a lawyer at one time or another!

Ask them how many child support/custody cases they've had, specifically representing men, and how many they've won. Find a local fathers support group (there's a link on the thread I started on the parenting forum) and have them help with finding attorneys. Mostly, their demeanor in the office at the consult will tell you everything you need to know. If they aren't ready to get started right away or seem in any way blase' about your case, it's not the kind of attorney that is going to do their best.

If you're going to pay for an attorney, pay him/her to win.

Many times female attorneys are more aggressive.

Did psycho woman think he was cheating on her?

Even if she did, that's still no excuse for the way she's acting...
I really hope you guys win.

Thanks Stacey. She had been suspicious since they met. She didn't let him go hang out with friends, or do anything at all alone. She simply didn't trust him. She was extremely insecure.

Thanks for the additional info on lawyers. I have been looking around at Fathers rights sites here and there. I will check out the one on your thread, OC.

update on the sitch...
 

Just wanted to let some of you guys know what is going on in our saga, now:

- Found out earlier this week that psycho ex's fiancee is coming out this weekend for an impromptu visit/wedding. They are getting married. According to bf's daughter, they are "getting married in a few days and moving to Texas".

- Met with a lawyer on Tuesday and we like him. His retainer is 2000.00 which, actually, we are able to come up with through some miraculous sudden sources. (Yay!) He is aggressive, sharp, quick, and insists that he be there for mediation.

- Psycho ex never told us she was getting married (not that she would have to). I think she is using it as part of her scheme. I think it will hurt her chances in court.

- Psycho ex told us mediation is in 2 weeks. We have yet to receive the notice. We have a theory that she thinks since bf doesn't have an attorney, he will back down in mediation and give her what she wants. That will not happen, but she doesn't realize that.

- Things are looking better, since we have a lawyer. He is hopeful about it and feels like we have the ability to make this happen without a psych eval or any of that. Since she is marrying this guy now, she really can't stay, unless she divorces the guy and she will not do that.

- All we have to do is keep her from moving the children to Texas.

Thanks for all who gave support and encouragement...let's hope things go okay, now!

Well good! I hope this attorney works out for you.

Stick it to this bitch and get those kids!!

Keep us updated....

update...
 

So, we have a lawyer...he's awesome. He is super sharp and very aggressive. He has come up with ways to get through this victoriously that we hadn't even realized would be feasable. He did hook onto that whole "cult" feeling about her and her family and he is running with that as well as countless emails she has sent to Dakota. He is making it really obvious she is lying in pretty much every word of her motion to relocate. Apparently, her side hasn't even submitted *any* evidence. It doesn't help her that her attorney is a former DA who was ousted due to possession of marijuana. She doesn't know that, and we won't clue her in on it, either. :)

Anyway, the real test will be with the judge. We'll see how it goes!

Kids seem to be doing okay. We are still getting comments from bf's daughter about what her mother's family says about her dad...we never ask her about it...she just tells us, because she gets confused about it. Bf's son hates when he has to go back to his mom's and throws a fit when we have to take him back. Hopefully the court will figure out what is really going on here.

I REALLY hope for the best for you...

I feel that this whole "illegal weapons" thing is a serious issue that this lawyer could jump all over. If she spends more than 5 minutes in that house with your (his) kids, the court should freak out to find that there are weapons in there which would be considered shady. I would be freaking out if my psycho ex's psycho cult parents were "touched" enough to keep these weapons laying around. The jusdge should know this!! Imagine if one of the kids got their hands on one?????

"oh yeah, and by the way Your Honor, Mr. So-and-psycho keeps a loaded AK-47 full-auto in his front closet in case some twit comes by selling Electrolux, and I am SURE he has no permit for it."

Or tell someone who knows someone (EVERYBODY knows someone who knows a biker or some other under-the-radar-of -the-cops type) that this guy has those weapons laying around in case they want to "borrow" them. Who would he complain to?

YAY on the lawyer! When is your hearing?

Yes, the illegal weapons are a big deal. We haven't even fully discussed that with the attorney. We don't have proof of it, though, so I am not sure how we should go about approaching that.

Thanks, OC! The hearing is on Monday, 3/7. We have a week, but our attorney plans on adding several addendums with evidence. I think we have a good shot at it...and there is a possibility that the court may require a psych eval to re-determine custody. If this happens, they appoint an evaluator, but we are not so sure we want social services digging around in our lives. I guess if it comes to that, we don't have much choice. If we had the money we would hire an evaluator and request the evaluation ourselves.

One other thing, we requested the attendance record from bf's daughter's school and we received it in the mail the other day. Daughter has had 18 absences so far this year. She is a kindergartener. 9 of these absences were excused by her mother and 9 of them were not excused. There is a whole week in January where she was absent unexcused, and when bf asked about that in an email to the ex, she never responded.

Anyway, thanks so much for all the support here. I will keep you posted!

What exactly are the illegal weapons?

personally, I am not sure what they are. I have no knowledge in that arena. Bf knows about it, though and it isn't like they just sit out for everyone to see/use. They are hidden in the basement. I think one of them is a modified auto-matic something or other and there is a sawed off shotgun. There are others, I guess, too. Plus, her brother doesn't have a license to have any sort of guns, but he has several, and lives in the same house.

Most jurisdictions don't require a license to own a gun, but do require a permit to carry a gun. There are legal standards regarding prior criminal history or prior mental health commitment (in sometimes this includes voluntary treatment) that may restrict firearms ownership. You can get information regarding state laws at http://www.packing.org

Many modifications are legal, including sawing off shotguns to a certain barrel length (usually about 18 inches, IIRC).

Good to know, wolf. I am glad we aren't really using that angle, anyway. I couldn't care less if there were guns around, actually, unless they were accessable by the children, and I doubt they are. I would like to learn to shoot one, actually.

Sounds like, according to the attorney, we have far more compelling evidence in other arenas (parental alienation, her outrageous emotional behavior, her unwillingness to allow a relationship between kids and dad, etc.) to even go the gun route.

Her only witnesses are going to be her and her new husband. We thought she would call her entire clan up to the stand, but it doesn't look like it will be so.

i understand completely what you are talking about.i was in the same situation for a few years until i was educated a little about child custody.i now have custody of my three children and yesterday i was amazed to see a check for cs in the mail(they had kept her taxes).one of the most important things you can do and most people don't know about:at the county clerk's office in the county you were divorced in,you have a file that you can see that holds everything regarding your divorce and custody issues.they will even give you copies of anything in there for a small fee.any time she won't let you see the kids write a letter and go put it in that file,also you can put copies of the cs receipts that you pay,you can even contest anything she files on you by putting it in writing and having a clerk there witness it and put it in the file.before any kind of hearing is scheduled by the judge,he looks at this file.if you don't do this all the judge can see is a file that seems like you don't even care.you should even write about how much you miss and love your children. i kept at it until the judge finally saw that my ex was playing games and using the children as a tool to get at me.i also found a good lawyer who believed in me,too many nowdays are sell outs.if i can be of any help let me know. oh yeah,one other thing is if they are telling the kids that you are so bad and confusing them,if they are young the dhs in the town you live in can do an investigation.doing that to children is a form of child abuse.but most importantly,tell your kids the truth about what is going on,they will understand more than you think they do.

Is anyone living in the house a convicted felon? If so, the presence of the guns can mean lots of trouble for them.

Your boyfriend's ex sounds like a bitch from Hell. It is rare that a person would consider themselves evil, yet people like your boyfriend's ex do seemingly evil things on a regular basis. The interesting thing is that most people who do such things feel completely justified in their actions. People tend to compromise their principles more readily than they realize when they believe it will result in "justice."

I figure that your boyfriend's ex must have such a delicate self-image that she can't admit wrongdoing without putting her self-image in jeapardy. To protect their self-image, such people unconsciously prop up flawed logic with true facts, selectively employed, thinking that they can nullify facts that disagree with their logic with those that support it. They become blind to reason on the matter.

This results in victim mentality, which produces exagerrated feelings of entitlement (to make up for perceived wrongs that have been done to them). If such a person is unhappy, the cycle accelerates, and any little thing can snowball into huge feelings of entitlement. That person may then sacrifice their principles and do nasty things, viewing them as necessary to achieve "justice." The farther down this road one goes, the more one is invested in it, and the more cemented the original flawed logic must become to protect their self-image.

I think this is why so many intelligent, reasonable people can do seeminlgy evil things, while similarly intelligent, reasonable people can sympathise with them. But that doesn't make it less evil.

It's a rare thing to find someone with the strength of character to admit a mistake, particularly with something important. People don't want to admit mistakes if it will also be admitting a fundamental character flaw. This constitutes a greater human flaw, I suppose.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted. Sorry for the windy writeup.

*Sigh*

Well, I guess it is time to give you all the update. My delay in posting to this thread has probably given away, in part, what the outcome was.

No, we weren't successful in getting the children out of bf's ex's influence, but we did manage to make a little progress:

The judge ruled that the move would be permitted. Part of her reasoning had to do with our choice to move to Boulder for school (1 1/2 hours from kiddo's grandparents' house) and part of it, I believe, was due to the judges past experience as a single mother. But some of the benefits of the ruling included the way the judge expressed her concern about the influences of the ex's family and the ex's noncholant attitude about her daughter's performance in school and attendance record. She repremanded the whole family on her side of the room, while they were all sitting there. She told them their behavior was disgusting and these children should never EVER be put in the middle of a situation like they have. She expressed to the ex that she never should have allowed the children to be in the presence of people who were making those kind of remarks about their father and didn't support his role. She also gave bf the entire summer, all spring breaks, and every other winter break with the children, as well as scheduled times to call them throughout the weeks they are with the ex. I didn't get to be there for the whole thing, since I was a witness, but I heard all about how bf's lawyer made the ex read portions of countless emails she sent threatening bf. I heard that she couldn't finish reading them, it was so bad. Her whole self-righteous family was denounced and she was "publically" embarassed. She ruled that whenever the kids are with their mom, visiting Colorado, bf has first right of refusal and is allowed to have additional parenting time for the length of the visit. That goes for any and all visits she makes to Colorado, period. One more thing, the judge said that if she hears of any more absences in school that are excessive, she will not hesitate to bring the children back to Colorado (judge's words).

So, here was my take on all that: It was disappointing for the judge not to have put much weight on the ex's inability to put the needs of her children before her own. But, this was not a custody hearing, it was a move-away hearing and the ex stated in the beginning of the hearing that if she was not permitted to bring the children to Texas with her, she would not move to be with her husband. I am sure the judge would have assumed she would continue to live with her parents where the crux of the emotional problems in that family lie. Add that to a long distance marriage and a lost battle with bf, and I am sure the judge realized the emotional repercusions to the children while with mom. As for the visits to Colorado, we are pleased as punch that anytime the ex wants to come visit her parents, bf can prevent their influence by exercising his parenting time for the duration of the visit. Also, like I said, the judge had raised her children by herself and was new to family law, as she had been a public defender for many years prior to becoming a judge. So, yeah, some of that may have been reasons for such a shocking outcome, but we are not giving up.

We have started a log (which we should have done a long time ago). Everything that occurs between bf and his kids or his ex is getting recorded with dates and times. I am doing the recording for him to help him out. Everytime he calls the children, it gets logged. Everytime the ex makes a comment in front of the kids that the judge would consider inapporpriate for the children to hear, we log it. This week and next, we have the kids, because they are still in Colorado and the little girl is not in school, because of spring break. Ex didn't call tonight on her scheduled night, so we are logging it. EVERYTHING is getting logged.

The other side's reaction? As one might expect. They heard the judge say the move was permitted, but must have been plugging their ears for the rest of it. Bf's daughter asked him if he had to go talk to a judge with mommy, after her grandfather had explained the whole court process to her(completely inappropriate, IMO). BF talked with ex's father the other night to ask him not to talk about the courts to his daughter and was told that the ex was now going to a "home life" and the kids will have a "real father". He was told the grandfather would continue to explain all of that to bf's daughter because "she should know that an authority is allowing her mother to move to Texas", etc. This is all getting logged too. We are being supportive and positive to the children about the move, though, since we don't want them to feel like they are disappointing dad. We have come up with some neat ways to stay involved with them (videos, webcam, letters, etc.) The ex denies what the judge has said about the influence on the kids, and refuses to address any of bf's concerns about the kids. We will be ordering the judge's transcript for our records and usage. We are preparing for the next battle, because the war is not over yet. At least, in the meantime, the kids are going to be better off than they would have been without a court hearing, out of their grandparents' house and never to have that influence forced upon them. Let's hope the psycho can handle being in a world without her parents within a day's drive, unless, of course, she comes back to Colorado.

This sounds *exactly* like that family. They have a lot of money, but they have sort of swindled it out of people, with all kinds of justification attached to it. When you call them on it, they get into attack mode, hurling insult after insult at the accuser as if to make you seem worse than them. Kind of like "well, they pointed out my shirt was red, but look, his shirt is GREEN!"

They are messed up, emotionally...all of them. I can't wait to afford a psych evaluator for that group of loonies.

*sigh*

Well, this may be for the better in the long run. Without knowing the people involved other than your descriptions of them, my opinion is that thing with Texas isn't going to last long, and when she moves back to colorado, it's all about having the kids full time.

Absolutely keep logging everything.

This ain't over, sweetie.... I'm sensing you'll have them sooner than you may think...

I know what you mean, OC. In these situations people tend to demonize the other side. These people are seriously messed up, but I would hold the same reservations.

You're probably right. I'll bet she doesn't make it too long 20 hours from her parents. Either that or her husband will wise up at some point and give her the boot. I don't know, though. We will just see how things go.