Oddball News
 

As these seem to arise regularly thought it/they deserved a thread.

From Sunday Times:

LOSS OF THE WEEK

An artist who sketched his legs wrapped in chains had to hop 12 hours through the desert after losing the key. Trevor Corneliusien, 26, locked the chain around his ankles while camping in an abandoned mine shaft near Baker, California. 'He had to hop through boulders and sand,' said deputy sheriff Ryan Ford. 'He brought the drawing with him. It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped round your legs.'

he needs to google: escape artist

I think this is called getting the bird...!

There's nothing quite like the news the way British commentators and newsreaders deliver it:

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just id?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

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Lovely stuff!

WHERE did you get all that, CF? :eek: :lol: ?

Hah, good stuff CF!

Anyone else happen to notice this one?: "Gay" Horse Jibe story

Notice he just left the Cellar (Bar)? Coincedence, I think not...

That one just fell into my mailbox at work, courtesy of a client - no idea where he received it from, unfortunately. Thankfully there's the odd good offering that does the rounds along with the more cringeworthy stuff!

Whale oil be f****d
 

Can't get away from the big guys - today's Sunday Times:

Nothing for ages, and then two whale stories come at once. After the moving plight of the London whale, a couple stand to make £165,000 after finding a piece of whale vomit washed up on a beach in Australia. Fisherman Leon Wright and his wife, Loralee, found a 32lb piece of ambergris, which is vomited by sperm whales to rid their stomachs of solid objects. Ambergris - nicknamed Moby Sick - has a solid fatty/oily feel and will fetch around £13 per gram from perfume manufacturers.

Piss off....
 

Another from today's Sunday Times:

Chinese rail travellers are wearing adult nappies because holiday trains this Chineses new year weekend are so crowded, reports the China Daily newspaper. There's not even standing room left in the corridors as 120 million nigrant workers head home for this week's celebrations, so it's almost impossible to get to the lavatory. 'During the peak travel period last year, some passengers even became deranged on their joirneys because of the conditions and jumped out of the carriages', says the paper. Now supermarkets are reporting a 50% increase in nappy sales.

Open wide and say 'aaah...aaAAH...AAAAHHH!'

(yes, it's that Sunday Times Moment... just the one worth a mention)

A doctor, frustrated by lack of support, has closed his surgery and re-opened it as a brothel. Neil Benson shut down his practice in Coopers Beach, New Zealand complaining that health authorities had not backed him. 'It's about providing a private service and maintaining confidentiality, which was what my medical practice was about', he says. 'So, it's not a big leap really.'

OOOOooooo! Nasty, nasty, nasty...!!

Doctors have performed surgery on a lover who put a pencil inside his penis. The man, from Belgrade, had suffered erectile problems in the past and so prepared for a first encounter with a new girlfriend by imaginative use of a slim pencil. But he was forced to cut short his night of love when the pencil shifted and became lodged in his bladder. A hospital spokesman said: 'The patient said he had no idea there were things like Viagra available but agreed in future to try pills before he takes any more chances with pencils.'

How would you know that it was vomit? I guess he was a profeesional fisherman, they must cover that in fisherman school...

But still, "Hey honey, what's that?"

My luck, I'd drag it to the car, get it to the perfumers and find out it was just whale spunk.

"Sorry mate, can only give you 2 quid a kilo for that. Not much call for it really."

Cops Pull Over “Dead Woman”
Tuesday, February 28, 2006, 6:55:55 PM


(Des Moines – KCRG) -- It's not very often that police pull over a dead person. But that's what happened in Des Moines, sort-of.

Kimberly Du is accused of faking her own obituary and forging a letter that told a Polk county judge she was dead …all to get out of traffic tickets.

But police say they busted the scam when they pulled Du over again. Since dead people don't drive, they became suspicious.

Now Du is in the Polk County jail.

I guess they'd heard of the walking dead but not the driving dead...

Must be the sap rising and spring and all that - some good ones this week in the normally reliable Sunday Times:

1. It's magic!

A gang of steet robbers just learned the hard way: never try to steal from a magician. Four teenagers attacked David Copperfield and his two female assistants last week after a show in West Palm Beach, Florida. They took money, passports and plane tickets from the women, but Copperfield said he had nothing. He even turned out his pockets for the attackers, but managed to conceal his passport, mobile phone and wallet. The gang were arrested as they escaped by car after Copperfield used the phone to alert police.

++

2. That takes guts

Three sports fans have invented the ultimate drinking accessory: a strap-on beer gut. The £20 Beerbelly is a container that allows users to sneak beer into events where drink is banned. 'Most men find that people barely give them a second glance while wearing it,' says Brooks lambert, one of the belly's inventors. But a reporter who tried it in New York discovered a drawback. A street trader called out to him: 'Would it kill you to do a few sit-ups?'

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3. Spooky loos

Publican Roger Froggatt is calling in an exorcist after confronting an apparition in the ladies lavatory. Frogatt, 49, was investigating an early morning alarm in his pub, the Low valley Arms, near Barnsley, Yorkshire, and found three televisions switched on. So he went to see if anyone was hiding in the lavatories.

'When I went into the ladies,' he told the Yorkshire Post, 'there was a figure of what I believe was a woman with no face and silvery grey hair, dressed in a white gown. I was that shaken I couldn't even speak to the police when they arrived. My wife took two officers into the toilets and they saw them flushing by themselves.' A police spokesman confirmed: 'On entereing the toilet area, the toilets in the cubicles began to flush themselves. We are still investigating.'

++

4. Sweeping entrance

Police raced to a house expecting to catch burglars, but instead found a naked man stuck in the chimney. Michael Urbano, 23, had locked himself out of the house and decided to strip off and try his luck down the chimney, say police in Hayward, California. Urbano, who was firmly wedged for four hours was arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs.

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S.A.S camp?
 

A few good ones this week:

No.1

A dozen members of the S.A.S. hiding in bracken on an exercise near Hereford, braced themselves for action as their 'enemy' approached. Then, when the voices were just feet away, they pounced...!

Ubfirtunately, the men they surrounded were not the enemy - but a stag party dressed as characters from Little Britain.

'It was a real hoot,' says groom Rob Hann, 38, of Torquay in Devon. 'The S.A.S. men must have wondered what thye had stumbled across but they were great blokes.' Rob was dressed as Daffyd Thomas, the only gay in the village, when he was leading his party up a mountain path.

Private portrait
 

No.2

An unusual portrait of the Australian prime minsiter, John Howard, has gone on show in Perth. The artist painted it with his penis. 'I'd seen "Puppetry of the Penis" and I suddenly thought of the idea,' says Tim Patch, who also has painted the opposition leader. 'I then started doing it as a gimmick at parties and people were fascinated.'

According to Patch, it's a demanding technique: he holds the canvas in one hand, and the 'brush' in the other!

Dirty writing
 

No. 3

An opinion poll has discovered the most popular insult written on dirty white vans. The survey for Asda Motor Insurance, says the most frequent jibe is: 'If only my wife was this dirty'. Also in the top 10 were: 'White, with a hint of M1' and 'Also available in white'.

Seems eBay bidders have had one of their stranger moments this week. The daughter of one John Clarke, aged 76, managed to sell her father's Marks and Spencer's 1969 string underpants - they went for £273... the winner could probably do with a new pair now!

Nick my name.... please!
 

Cedillo, a Spanish village, has published its own phone book, using nicknames. Thanks to the town's mayor, Antonio 'Booties' Gonzalez, villagers can use the guide tolook up characters like Johnny the Potato and Pedro the Whistle. Not everybody is happy though. According the The Guardian newspaper: 'A man known as 'Baldy' and another called' Peh-Leg' asked to beregistered under their proper surnames.

Mystery high notes
 

Odd enough to find a piano dumped near the top of Ben Nevis. Odd still to have two different people claiming they put it there. First, strongman Kenny Campbell who has made a career taking items up to and down from Ben Nevis the last 30-odd years for charity. He claimed it was the church organ he had carried up there in 1971 to play 'Scotland th Brave' at the peak. Now a group of removal men say that they took the piano up 20 years ago for a charity stunt. They had meant to bring it down again, but ran out of breath! Seems like climbers need to watch out for a variety of musical hazards when ascending the mountain as there's supposed to be brass instruments and even a drum kit up there as well, somewhere!

Cheeky apprehension
 

It's a bit obvious, but still worth a chuckle...

Ten nudists have been arrested on a public beach in southern Italy after practical jokers switched a sign pointing to a nudist beach.

Stone dry
 

Bridegroom Carl Smith arrived in Krakow, Poland forv a boozy stag weekend with 18 friends, only to find that alcohol sales had been banned because of a visit by the Pope.

'We were getting ready for 3 days of boozing and instead we've been playing chess in the market square,' says Carl, 23, of Bromley, Kent. 'I had coffee with some nuns this morning. They were very nice, but it's not exactly rock 'n' roll.'

The most famous British headline of all time is ' FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER ' , The Sun , 13th March 1986 .

After a night on the tiles in Manchester , Freddie Starr lurched home and demanded a sandwich . The sandwich was not forthcoming , so he put his hostess' hamster between two slices of bread ( probably Sunblest ready-sliced) and proceeded to masticate .

Starr denied that he ever did this in a later book ' I have never eaten or nibbled a live hamster , gerbil, guinea pig , mouse , shrew, vole or any other small mammal' .

I heard a piece on NPR about the piano. Must get pretty boring in the UK.

Yep! just one damn piano after another!

Yes indeed , one could put it like that . One piano after another in this green and unpleasant land .

Sexy Building

A few UK local authority planning departments have been getting into trouble. When planning applications for extensions and changes to domestic properties are rejected the applicants have right of appeal. Some of those who have appealed via email have seen their messages ignored, so when the appeal deadline has passed they have lost their chance to do anything about the council's decision.

That is until it was discovered that the council server was filtering out their emails. Seems it was all down to the word 'erection' which commonly appears in building matters but thought to be a good indicator of something unsavoury in another context and therefore being present in the councils' list of filter mechanism words....

I heard on the radio that a woman in Germany called out social services because she was worried about her daughter, who had a boyfriend she didn't approve of.


When social services turned up they discovered that the daughter was 68 years old. The mother was 92, by the way.

I had to detune the spam filters on our email servers once for trapping messages with the word "toilet" in the same circumstance, building construction.

no doubt something was lost in translation from tubgirl...

Here we go again...

Girl told to pull over...

As part of her university project a young girl has knitted a lifesize Ferrari Testa Rossa. Lauren Porter decided it was the right thing to do and used 12 miles of wool doing it!

Cut out the absent friends...

Friends of one Michael Blake, who died in a car crash, decided that their World Cup trip wouldn't be the same without him - so they took along a life-size cardboard cutout of their friend with them. Their friend has been out drinking and dancing with them as well as attending the matches.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060621/D8ICR4K80.html

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060621/D8ICAH781.html

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20060620/D8IC18N80.html

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,10117...4-1702,00.html

More goodies... like....

Ducking and diving, bobbing and weaving...

Anyone remember a story quite a few years ago (14 to be precise) about a container vessel losing a box-load of plastic bath toys (28,000 of them, and mainly ducks) in a storm in the Pacific off the coast of China?

Well, they are apparently still bobbing around the world's oceans and reported sightings have been tracked by scientists over the years. It all adds up now to there being a better understanding of how the oceans tides and currents work.

A plastic frog has been sghted several times , notably off the coast of Scotland in 2003. Some of the animals navigated the Bering Straits in 1995, and then a few of these were seen trapped in slow moving ice in the Arctic Ocean in 2000. Others were found in 2001 in the same area where the Titanic sunk.

Treat that bathtime creature with a little more respect tonight, will you, please..?!

Flatpack furniture syndrome? - you definitely need to get out more often...

An art student has created a fully-functioning cross bow from a set of IKEA clothes hangers - it fires the little pencils that the stores give out for free. The student hasn't stopped there either. He's taken an IKEA bent-wood chair and turned it into a sledge. ' I looked around my room and saw it was full of IKEA products. It was easy to turn them into something else...'

Oooooh, Dear...!!

Revenge is sweet - big-time!

A cheating husband was greeted by a billboard message from his wife, as he drove to work in Los Angeles. The message cost £21,000 ($40,000), and read:

'Hi Steven! Do I have your attention now? I know all about her, you sneaky, immoral, unfaithful, poorly-endowed slimeball! Everything's caught on tape!. Your (soon to be ex) wife, Emily. PS I paid for this from our joint account!'

Ooops!

Failed her driving test - the examiner was feeling a bit rundown...

A woman was so nervous about her driving test that she drove through a wall as she arrived at the test centre in Calgary, Canada - and ran over the examiner..!

This cheating husband thing is, I've heard, viral marketing for an upcoming TV show.

http://thatgirlemily.blogspot.com/

Surely you've seen The IKEA Walkthrough V2.3.1?


=============================================================
IKEA WALKTHROUGH v2.3.1
=============================================================

IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to
role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings.
In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality
filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of
NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently
anesthetized...

Duped the Sunday Times....!

I'm still convinced that IKEA is an EU covert op designed to inculcate the metric system and ISO paper sizes in the young and vulnerable though psyops.

I'm not sure I can digest the logic of overcoming the real IKEA with another virtual form of IKEA. It's bad enough trying to find the right-sized standard allen key for my bike accessories and having to wade through 27 examples of the IKEA universal key first (which just happens to be a teensy weensy tad different in size) plus I seem to have a drawful of leftover indescribable metal objects which seem to be useful for joining two bits of IKEA coated chipboard at right angles to each other but absolutely useless outside of this environment,. I am sure I throw them all away, but, unlike that second sock, they re-appear without even asking....

As I understand it, this is not a proposal for a new video game. It is a recongition that IKEA as we already know is *is* a video game.

They did say "fully immersive"...

Book-ends...

From Monday's UK Daily Mail - surreal....:

BODY LOST BEHIND A BOOKCASE FOR A FORTNIGHT

The body of a woman missing for two weeks was found wedged upside-down behind a bookcase in her room. Mariesa Weber, 38, became trapped as she reached behind the 6-foot high bookcase to adjust a plug for her television.

Her family spent a fortnight searching for her, fearing she had been kidnapped,
Posters were distributed around New Port Richey, Florida, where she lived with her parents and younger sister Gia. Miss Weber, who was only 5 ft 3 ins and weighed seven stone, is believed to have suffocated.

Her body was eventually discovered when her sister noticed a foot protruding from behind the bookcase. Her mother, Corinne,said: 'I'm sleeping in the same house as her for 11 days, looking for her. And she's right in the bedroom.'

Mrs Weber said that they had noticed a strange smell from her room, but had blamed it on rats. She added: 'She's a little thing and the bookcase is six feet tall and solid. It seems she just couldn't get out.'

Anal retentive....

Police at Los Angeles airport last week arrested an Iraqi passenger. When Fadhel al-Maliki, 35, set off a metal detector alarm he told staff he knew what the problem might be and revealed a rock, chewing gum and wires up his bottom. He told police that the rock, which was 'from another planet', kept hiim calm while flying.

....and the chewing gum?

the rock was from planet juicy fruit

Holds the wires to the rock.

So would you chew the gum and prepare the device a some time beforehand so the gum has a chance to 'set'? Wouldn't it get all soft again in such a warm moist environment?

Maybe the chewing gum had been on the rock some time - I mean, you know how damn difficult it is to get the stuff of the sole of your shoe, for instance/comparison - and clearly it was deliberately attached to the wires for easy rock retrieval (saves all that straining if you can just yank it out!) - logical really....

Chewing gum is only hard to remove from places you don't want it. If your life depended on it sticking a note to the door..... your dead. :haha:

Stuck at work...

Fire crews rescued a 91-year-old man who accidentally stuck himself to the roof while recoating it with bitumen. 'He was like a beetle on its back, with his arms and legs sprawled out.' said a spokesman for police in Magdeburg, Germany. 'He couldn't free himself.' The man was unhurt, the spokesman added, but had very sticky clothes.

Man smuggles grenade in pot of honey

Border guards in Kazakhstan have arrested a man for trying to smuggle a homemade grenade in a pot of honey, local media say.

The man, a Russian citizen, was travelling by train from the Russian town of Omsk.

"The pot seemed too heavy so it had to be checked," a senior Kazakh border official told the Kazakhstan Today news agency.

The man told police he did not know it was a grenade and that his wife had given it to him as a present for her relatives in Kazakhstan.

Celery-wielding Chelsea fans face ban

A British football club has warned their fans against throwing celery during matches, saying it was a criminal offence and that anyone caught lobbing the popular salad vegetable could be banned.

The unlikely warning follows referee reports mentioning celery-throwing at two recent Chelsea football club matches.

The reports are being investigated by the Football Association (FA), the club says on its website.

The FA's investigation could result in sanctions being taken against the club, who says "the throwing of anything at a football match, including celery, is a criminal offence for which you can be arrested and end up with a criminal record".

"In future, if anyone is found attempting to bring celery into Stamford Bridge they could be refused entry and anyone caught throwing celery will face a ban," it said.

"The club also urged fans who spot anyone throwing celery in the stadium to call a telephone number, adding that "all calls will be treated in confidence".

Rather than pay overtime, it's probably cheaper for Chelsea to put them on celery. :blush:

I want to be capable of recoating my roof when I'm 91!
Wait a minute, I'm not sure I'm capable of it now :(

Just have to ressurect the thread for this story in today's Sunday Times - I'll label it 'Trivial Pursuit' , I think...

Two police officers commandeered a bicycle rickshaw to race to an emergency call. PC's Anne-Marie Rosier and Sue Beament yelled 'nee-naw, nee-naw' to clear the way as rider Ben Matthews - ringing his bell - pedalled furiously through Hereford to the scene, where an offender was resisting arrest. ' We knew it would take too long to run.' PC Rosier explained.

and this other one as well - 'Fruit of Allah?'

A family say they feel blessed after Allah appeared to them in a tomato. Uzma Khalid, 19, was preparing salad when she saw apparent Arabic script on a tomato segment. ' I thought that's a bit weird, so I showed it to my mum. She said it definitely says Allah. We believe it is a way of Allah showing he exists. It is a miracle in the sense of how it has been put in the tomato.'

That made me LOL!

God seems to have an odd affinity for appearing in food, doesn't he? (remembers cheese sandwich)

Mrs CF reckons they misread it and the word was ' 'Allo', not 'Allah'!