The Cellar - George Carlins' rules.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here'show much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. there's a whole a isle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry,but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card,entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing ther eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If y ou're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.