The 24 hour engagement.
 

Long-time lurker.

After some rough patches in my relationship, went on a nice weekend away with my girlfriend. Proposed. She said yes.

Drove her home last night. Got to her place, she took off the ring, handed it to me and said "I can't marry you, and we shouldn't see each other anymore."

As I said, things had been a bit rough lately as we were trying to sort out some issues. Marriage had been talked about quite a bit, and last weekend she said she didn't want to go on this trip...until I said "Ok, let's take the pressure off and just have a fun weekend then." (this trip had been planned originally as THE BIG WEEKEND.) Asked her before we left "So, you said you needed more time...is this something you'll be able to communicate with me about, or am I just going to have to take a chance at some point in the future?" Her response: "Don't tell me about it, don't ask me about it...I want to be surprised."

Thought we'd turned a corner. Thought things were better. Got wrapped up in my head that if I didn't take action soon, it would be worse. I listened to my heart. I proposed. She said yes. We were happy, for a day.

My heart is an idiot.

So I'm sitting here trying to make sense of it all. I'm hanging on to the idea that when it all became more real, she panicked and reacted.

I'm just smart enough to know that there's very little I can do to make things better, but a multitude of things I can do to make things worse. So I'm currently all about giving her time and space. I'm not calling. I'm not driving by her place. I'm steering clear of her friends and family. I'm not standing outside her window with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel songs.

For myself, I'm holding it together hanging on to the hope that it was just a panic reaction and that it could turn around at any moment. I'm kind of hanging on to that to get through today so I can go back to work tomorrow and just busy myself with work to get through the week.

I'm suppressing the ideas that tell me that now is the time to take action, to win her back, to convince her that she was misguided...whatever. Those ideas got me into this mess.

I'm aware that this could be the end of it. I guess I'll have to deal with that as it comes.

But I could use a little advice from any of you willing to throw in two cents.

Consider yourself lucky she ended the engagement now instead of after making a public announcement, sending out invitations, etc. Obviously that's little consolation for you, but man, it could be so messy down the road if she's not committed to you.

How long have you been going with her?

been together 'bout a year and a half. Knew I wanted to have some sort of relationship with her (even just as a friend) from the day I met her. We retroactively considered that our first date.

Sounds like her first instinct, of not going, was the right one. She probably was drawn in by the romance of the trip and the proposal, and after you guys got back realized it was a mistake.

Protip (more pro than I wish I was): never propose during or immediately after a "rough patch". If your girl says she needs time, give her time and don't try to step up the romance or the relationship until things are good and have been good for some time. A lot of people try to "fix" their relationship by getting married or having a kid, and this is a terrible idea... never never do that!

That said, you may have to let this relationship go. Don't push it. Give her the time and space she needs... if she comes back around, that's great. If not, realize that it wasn't meant to be.

I can only speak for myself, but nothing sends me running faster than relationship pressure when I need space... something to keep in mind, perhaps, for future reference.

how old are you two?

I'm 33, she's 28.

tough to give any advice with what info there is. you seem to have your head on straight. tiki's advice seems good....but you need to keep in mind that she's a nutter. I don't think I'm qualified to offer any....I married jinx after 7 years of being together....there really was never much question about whether we'd end up together....it kind of just WAS.

just from a common sense standpoint, though....if she has ANY doubt...then I don't think you want to try to convince her. she should WANT to. neh?

Soon? Marriage is supposed to be forever; that means she has to still want to marry you tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that. If there's only a limited opportunity window, if you feel like you have to act fast or else, then you shouldn't be marrying this person.

Noted.

Tiki: I completely understand that proposing doesn't solve problems. I get that. As I said, I thought we'd turned a corner. It seems that I was wrong that things were better.

Clodfobble: You hear "Wow. I hope he/she proposes soon...or else he/she will lose them" once, and it gets in your head. Insidious. Forever is a long time, especially if you're living with a sense of regret for not getting it out in the open how you feel. Clearly, it's risky. But please, I'm still struggling with the action/inaction thing. I'd love to hear how great it is to know for sure that both sides are absolutely at the best possible point to have some fairy tale thing of being able to wait a lifetime knowing that "tomorrow will be just as sure as today", regardless of taking the chance for actually making a commitment.

lumberjim: Thanks. I thought we were approaching a point of commiseration. I'm hoping she's not a nutter. I'm hoping she saw the concreteness of it and panicked. Time will tell.

BigV: check.

I guess where I'm at is this mess of trying to react to all possible situations. I'm trying hard to focus on her words and her intent and I've got this noise of badly written sitcom plots and nonsense pop psychology constantly eating at my brain and it gets easy to forget what she says or does...

I'm feeling weak, small, and alone.

:comfort:

I don't have much else to say, being pretty hopeless at relationships and understanding women and such. But I say this: your heart is NOT an idiot, and you were right and wise to ask her if it felt right to you.
There is much, much more regret in the things you never dared try, than in the things you tried that didn't work.

FWIW, my guess is, give her a week, and then call her, see if she wants to talk, see how it goes. Just my guess, though, that's roughly driving advice from a guy riding the bus.

Yeah, a kick in the balls will do that to you.
But you're 33 and rational, so you're not desparate just depressed.

Many's the happily-ever-afters that start with fits and jerks, so be cool and see what happens. You sure as hell don't want to marry her if she's not sure she's committed to it.
Peace, brother. :chill:

AH....I was referring to Tiki. ....being a nutter. ...not your lady.

I wish I had said this to my second husband. I married him even though a tiny voice in the back of my head kept saying "Don't do it!".

I'm sorry to hear that you've been thru this upsetting episode. I'm sure I'd feel the same way you are feeling today if it had happened to me. I think you are handling it wisely, from what you've said here.

As has been pointed out, it's difficult to know exactly what's going on withought knowing all the details, so I'm not going to pretend to have some awesome insight into what you should do. One thing, though: if (and that's a big IF) she's the kind of person who can change her mind suddenly, you might not want to be marrying her. I don't like surprises.

I do think Tiki is on to something - the lady might have been expecting a lighthearted, 'no pressure' weekend and got a proposal instead. She might have originally agreed out of the momentum of the moment - then later realized she should have declined.

Hang in there. :)

That's the other aspect I was referring to; the "right after a rough patch" part. If it's getting better, you have to give the "better" a chance to settle in and get comfortable... months or seasons, not weeks.

Again, I'm speaking from my own experience and others may have very different experiences, but a proposal is very heavy and a lot of pressure to drop on a girl who just told you she wanted more time.

It sounds, from your description, like she was going to back out, agreed to go anyway because you promised her a no-pressure, fun weekend, and then you ambushed her with a proposal. That may not be how she perceived it, but that's the impression I got from the way you described it.

If you do end up getting back together with her, can I recommend listening and paying more attention to her cues, and not pushing things forward against her wishes because of your own restlessness/eagerness for progress?

I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am trying to shed some perspective on what may have gone wrong and how you can prevent it from going worse, if you do continue seeing this woman.

I hope things work out for you.