Do you ever
 

feel the shit grow to a level you can't handle? The stress push past the point of no return? the assrape push past the firewall?

Well, do you? Then what do you do? No, really. If you're worth $.08 to your family alive but worth a solid seven figures dead then what do you do? Really? Even if you've never done a damn bit of good to anyone alive? ever? Really? If not one person would notice if you were gone would you really fight to stay? If nothing you have ever tried has worked how many times do you try? 7? 7x70? 7x7x70? Does it really matter?

It matters to your loved ones. They would rather have you than any money.

Yes, yes, and yes.

One foot in front of the other? I have, recently, felt like shooting my feet off, proverbially. Then there is no expectation that I have to move forward.

I'm not religious but I am counting the angels in my life. Those who love me. The library personnel who helped me out yesterday. My neighbor who works at the gas station who really helped me out this morning.

These roses amongst a million thorns can be missed. Look for them.

Ditto - they would notice

Absolutely. Whatever you may think they think. You matter to your family much more than any money.
If you really are feeling suicidal, please call the Samaritans, or a friend, a relative, a counsellor. Please.

you stay in the immediate moment. get your head out of the future... there is no salvation there. Nor is it in the past. When the pressure gets to a point that it is palpable, you look around yourself right where you are, right this minute, and remember that there is nothing lacking in this moment.

do what you need to do to plan for the future, and then get your mind back inside your body. smell the fucking roses.

mornin some1--

I say this as gently as I can and and firmly as I must, you are completely wrong in your "calculations". While I agree that one number is greater than another, you are wrong in assigning value to those numbers for the people involved.

How many times must you keep trying? You only need to try one more time after each failure. Just that one more time. You can do this, you have been doing this.

I was lost in a hole once and thought the same things you're saying. A friend saved my life by talking to me. The most important thing he gave me was this:

What would you say to your loved one if they were saying to you what you are saying to us?