Unreasonably up and down
 

I don't know if it's me or the cancer. I can't seem to find a balance.

I spend part of the time so positively - I've had some great exam results and general evals lately, I love the material I'm learning, I want to really master this stuff.

Then my energy crashes and dies, I go back to my apartment, and I can't concentrate ... I learn of online friends who are losing the battle with this disease one by one. I can't concentrate, I try to write term papers and prep for class, and my brain's not quite working.

I don't sleep, even with meds. I wake in the night with my feet burning and aching like I've been beaten on my soles with sticks. My hands burn until I want to scream. It's the legacy that Taxotere leaves, nothing to be done. But it keeps me up until dawn.

During the day I'm on top of my game, doing well, helping patients. Everyone thinks I'm back to normal, cancer's beaten, all is good. It's what I want to think, too, but I'm not really okay. I don't know if I can get the papers and projects and exams all done. My brain is sometimes good and sometimes not quite on its game. I don't know if I can cope with not getting everything back after chemo.

Nights are not good. I have to finish my academics in the next three weeks one way or another; probably pull quite a few all-nighters. It's better than waking up with neuropathy and the pain in my right chest and armpit that never goes away. I think something's there, but my onco insists I'm fine. I think I'm playing a waiting game.

Doing well by my patients is the most important thing. Just having difficult nights and a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How do you function during the day with your nights so bad? When my sleep is interrupted with any significance, it messes me up the next day.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I drink coffee +++ and I'm good all morning, which is when I see patients. I find I have a lot of sympathy and creativity in finding ways to get the things my patients need ... it's the afternoons/evenings/nights that are hard.

Sounds like you need some fish fingers and custard, doc.

Have you had your blood tested for your vitamin levels? If your iron, b12, or potassium are low, that would do it.

See your PCP and tell them what's going on.

Well, as long as you can't sleep anyway, maybe some vigorous excersize... wink wink nudge nudge. ;)

Your brain is running on empty ortho. I guess u really dont have any choice but to push through till ur classes are done. Maybe after that things will get better?

Also, maybe some counselling? Just putting it out there. Not sure if ur already in therapy, but if not, it might be an idea?

Sorry to see you're having such a tough time, Ortho. It's good that you're able to help patients and use your "up" time to such positive effect. I haven't got any practical suggestions, just
sympathy. Lots of sympathy.

Sorry Ortho, I'm with Pete on the vitamins.

Thanks, everyone. Sorry to whine. I'll look into the vitamin thing. I know my basic cell counts are okay but my oncologist said it'd be a year before my bone marrow is really back to normal and I'm not somewhat immunosuppressed.

It's easier to be positive at work, but the evenings at home are hard ... maybe what I should do is stay late at work and just go straight to bed when I get home.

It's not whining. So don't say that.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Thank you. I can't wait for the semester to be done (May 8); I think things will start to improve then. End-of-semester stress and fatigue aren't helping anything.

Things will totally improve at the end of the semester. Then you should really give yourself some time off for R&R.

Take a whole week if you can, then allow yourself plenty of chill time. Beating the cancer is the major battle, but it's not the war. That goes on. Always important to keep tabs on your retainers, head off any rebellions before they can form, nip dissent in the bud, remain ever vigilant.

Get plenty of rest, eat right, exercise, meditate, and drink eight glasses of beer a day.

No new advice except what everyone else already said, but take care of yourself ortho. I know it never feels like it, but it'll be over soon.

I'm sorry for the shit you're going through ortho. I hope it gets better.