[lumberjim]

An interesting biproduct of trying to be aware of my own ego and my thought parade....and of trying to 'not know.' ( To not know is to be open to finding out. To know means you've stopped looking. I think. )

Anyway... I'm finding that I'm more... impressionable. A bit wide eyed at present.... Not overly, I think.... Just more aware that I don't really know what I had previously assumed. Less willing to react instantly with incomplete info. And seeing things from a bit more distance.

I'm seeing more that things are often backwards. Beginning with which direction to look for solutions when I think there is a problem. Mostly the issue is inward, not outward. Sometimes it's brought on from outside, but it's really how I take it.

I met an old guy today. 80. I had met him once before, but neither of us remember. He helped his grand son buy a car from us 3 1/2 years ago, and I did his deal.

He came because the bank had called him. His grandson had missed 2 payments. He must pay. His grandson had moved to Knoxville 4 months ago. They had had lunch a week before the kid (24 yrs old now) moved away for work. The girlfriend of one year went with him.

Since then, no contact. Since the bank called, he hadn't been able to get him on the phone. He had dates and times written in one of those little pocket notebooks of the times he called... Even had someone text him from his flip phone.

No reply. It was a whole story. I got the sense that it was his main focus.
He was angry about it. Even pantomimed shaking the kid by the collar at one point....

But I had to tell him... You promised to pay if he didn't. So you must pay. Or say fuck it. You're 80. Are you going to need good credit going forward?
You're not on the title, so you can't take the car. All you can do is pay or not pay. Why make it into a problem?

I also told him to try not to be angry. I said, you don't know enough yet to be angry. What if he's in trouble? Maybe he couldn't pay his phone bill either? I checked his insurance policy on the geico site, and it was inactive. Presumably for non payment... Maybe it's drugs? No. He never did that.... Maybe the girl? Nice girl.... Jail? ?? No idea.

So, You don't know. You're having both sides of the conversation in your head. It's not real. If you can't get him on the phone, get on a plane and go see him. You have his address. You're retired and you have the money. Go knock. Then you can choke him. If that's what you see he needs when you find him. Or don't.

Depends on how much you're willing to go through to find out what has gone on. I think he heard me. We talked for another 30 minutes.... Cool guy. Died when he was 25. Car crash... DOA, but he pulled through. Still has a metal chin.


And..
That Anias Nin quote jinx had as her signature.... 'We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are... '. This is quite clearly true to me now. I don't see you. I see light reflecting off of you. I see it inside my eyeballs at the back on the retina.

How far can you see? I used to wonder. As a kid... Looking out at the ocean on clear nights. I thought... I can see allll the way to the horizon. But.... You can't see any distance at all. It's like asking how far can you smell? Or touch or taste.

And the notion that we are part of the planet? That we are simply accumulations of what we've gathered over our lifetimes. Mentally, we accumulate the ideas and thoughts we're exposed to... through the filter of what has come before and/or the mood we're in when we hear it.... So... Random..... Accidental.... We could actually do that by design if we paid attention and made choices about what we want or don't want to be keeping. And the body is the same. We're accumulated earth. Small outcroppings. On loan until we die and give it back.

Aren't we though? Thinking about that... Yes, ok, I smoked.... Fine. But we're food. Made of food anyway. We ate a lot of things. Each one of us did. Those things.... It was plants, fruits, animals, drinks, drugs, medicine.... Some of it, we broke down and released their energy, and made more Jim or Tony or Bruce out of it. Some, we passed back to the planet, but the energy we used to make bigger or better bodies. Our particular body. Our bodies have memory.

We eat a banana. The banana has its own DNA. If you give a banana energy, it will turn it into more banana. If a person eats a banana, why don't we become more banana like? What changes the banana energy into that person's energy? We don't think about it. Science knows. That's that.

How do we manage to walk on two legs through a dark cinema, with a soda and popcorn and find our way back to our seat... To recognize our girl in the dark? To make a fade away jumper? To hit a baseball going 95 mph with a bat? To drive cars all the way home and have no recollection of the drive? Our bodies are fucking smart. That's how.

So lots of new thoughts to think. And I'm trying no to think so much. Funny.