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I think Beestie made a very nice analysis of the problem. As small children we learn what it means to be loved from our parents. Our parents are flawed human being themselves, and unfortunately, some parents are out-right physically or emotionally abusive. As adults we may intellectually realize that some of the things that happened in our childhood were not the best, but when we meet somebody who embodies these traits, we are drawn like a moth to the flame. It "feels like love" because that is what has become imprinted in our emotional templates, and it can be very hard to overcome.
Picking abusive, inappropriate partners is not just something women do either. A couple of nights ago I had a long talk with a male friend of mine who is 14 years younger than me. I have known this guy for quite a while now and I've watched him go from one awful relationship to the next. One woman he fell madly in love with had an extreme problem with anger, another was a narcissist who couldn't love anybody, including herself. A third was a pathological liar who made my every instinctual alarm bell go off the moment I met her. He thought she was wonderful until sad experience proved him wrong. "What am I going to do?" he asked me. I want a woman I can love and who will be my closest friend. I'd like to have a son of my own. Every relationship I've ever had has blown up in my face. I think I'm a decent person, so why does this keep happening to me?"
I told him that I thought his "radar" was broken. He actually flinched when I said that and said sadly, "You know, I think you're right." This man came from a terrible childhood. His mother died when he was three and he grew up going back and forth between foster homes and the home of his drunken father and abusive grandfather.
There are too many tragic stories like his among men and women both.
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