[Lady Sidhe]

BIZARRE LABEL INSTRUCTIONS

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after
heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.


BIZARRE BOOKS

The Resistance of Piles to Penetration
Russell V. Allin, 1935
A revealing look inside this common problem.

Games You Can Play With Your Pussy
Ira Alterman, 1985
Inventive overview for cat lovers.

Persevering Dick
Mary D.R. Boyd, 1867
Adversity is overcome by Richard's determination and grit.

Making It In Leather
M. Vincent Hayes, 1972
A must have how-to book for this special craft





MISSOURI - Attention: Garden equipment should not be used as
a breathing apparatus. This warning comes after a man almost
drowned Monday morning when he used a garden hose as a
breathing tube and jumped into Longview Lake with a 20-pound
anchor tied to his waist. According to the Missouri Water
Patrol, the man had dropped his keys in the water and was
desperately trying to retrieve them. After one failed
attempt, he went down again and this time lost both the
garden hose and his breath. A person above the surface
noticed something was wrong and pulled the man out with a
rope. He was unresponsive for a brief period but then began
breathing on his own again. He refused medical treatment.





BERLIN, Germany - Housewife Gerda Niehus must have a Bobbit
fascination because recently while sleeping with her
husband decided to cut off his manhood. Only she wanted to
make sure she never had sex again with him and never wanted
him to *find* his penis. So she flushed the flesh down the
toilet. Her husband Hans has been released from the
hospital and Gerda is awaiting trial on a charge of assault
with intent to commit grave bodily harm.


University of Wales - The previously prestigious University
of Wales has spent thousands of dollars examining the question
whether mussels can suffer panic attacks. Yes, that's right,
some professor decided this was an important question to answer
so researchers placed dog whelks, which eat mussels, in a tank
and monitored the mussels' heart beat. The results? Mussels'
heartbeats increased for up to 24 hours even after the dog
whelks were removed.




LONDON - Two women were killed by a bolt of lightning in Hyde
Park when their underwired bras acted as conductors, a coroner
said Wednesday. "I think this was a tragic case, a pure act of
God," coroner Paul Knapman told an inquest into the deaths.
He recorded a verdict of death by misadventure. The two women,
Anuban Bell, 24, and Sunee Whitworth, 39, had been sheltering
under a tree in the park during a thunderstorm. Pathologist Dr
Iain West said both women were wearing underwired bras and had
been left with burn marks on their chests from the electrical
current that passed through their bodies. Death would have been
instant, he said. The bodies were not discovered until the
following day because passers-by thought they were vagrants.


Independence, IA - What do you do with a group of felons who
grow accustomed to the *conveniences* of jail? Well four Amish
men jailed for vandalism were growing too comfortable with the
TV, electricity, telephone and running water so Russell West,
Buchanan County Jail Administrator, wants their release ASAP.
When interviewed, West said, "I thought we'd better get them
out of here because they were getting too used to it."