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Clodfobble · 02-27-2005, 10:14 AM

I understand your efforts to find him, Patrick, but I have to admit I suspect it won't be as cathartic as you hope if you ever do find him.

How do you plan to contact him if you do? Perhaps in written form you might get some sort of emotional release... but if you actually talk to him in person or on the phone, you will forever be replaying the conversation in your head and the little things that you wanted to be said differently. Also, with writing, there's a chance he won't respond, which may be the best thing for your heart anyway.

I sometimes have the desire to contact my ex-stepfather, and tell him exactly what I thought of him from day one, and show him that despite his abuse, and comically childish behavior (ever seen a grown man throw a flailing temper tantrum on the floor?,) and all his horrific failures as a parent and certainly as a role model, I have somehow managed to rise above his influence and, as you said, use him purely as an example of what not to be. Ironically, I am most definitely a better stepmother because of him.

But then I realize there's no way to do that cleanly, without re-introducing him into my life in some fashion. Even if I tried to just write it down and mail it with no return address, it would rekindle his desire to find me--to apologize, to tell me off, it doesn't matter, it's all something I don't want. I'd rather he just stay gone. Perhaps your father is old enough that you aren't worried about that, but consider if you really want to give this man the satisfaction of knowing how you turned out.

02-27-2005, 10:14 AM	#8
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I understand your efforts to find him, Patrick, but I have to admit I suspect it won't be as cathartic as you hope if you ever do find him. How do you plan to contact him if you do? Perhaps in written form you might get some sort of emotional release... but if you actually talk to him in person or on the phone, you will forever be replaying the conversation in your head and the little things that you wanted to be said differently. Also, with writing, there's a chance he won't respond, which may be the best thing for your heart anyway. I sometimes have the desire to contact my ex-stepfather, and tell him exactly what I thought of him from day one, and show him that despite his abuse, and comically childish behavior (ever seen a grown man throw a flailing temper tantrum on the floor?,) and all his horrific failures as a parent and certainly as a role model, I have somehow managed to rise above his influence and, as you said, use him purely as an example of what not to be. Ironically, I am most definitely a better stepmother because of him. But then I realize there's no way to do that cleanly, without re-introducing him into my life in some fashion. Even if I tried to just write it down and mail it with no return address, it would rekindle his desire to find me--to apologize, to tell me off, it doesn't matter, it's all something I don't want. I'd rather he just stay gone. Perhaps your father is old enough that you aren't worried about that, but consider if you really want to give this man the satisfaction of knowing how you turned out.